<p>Now that D is almost 18 I am getting a lot of ," ‘D’ has become a beautiful woman", “‘D’ looks amazing” and my favorite, “‘D’ looks just like her dad, she is beautiful” (I’m the chopped liver mother). </p>
<p>D is intelligent, accomplished and can discuss any topic. I am at a loss how to respond to comments about her looks. I also worry how these comments affect her self esteem, as no one ever compliments her on her accomplishments. These comments invariably come from other mothers, so the obligatory reply is, “Thank you, your D is also very beautiful”.</p>
<p>Usually, I only compliment other parents on their kid’s achievement, never on their appearance. Am I too sensitive?</p>
<p>How about “thank you- we think so too”. Complimenting her on her physical appearance is NOT an insult. Be proud that she is smart AND beautiful. Enjoy and congrats!</p>
<p>They may or may not know about her accomplishments or erudite skills. But thay can comment on her appearance. Its fine. Dont sweat the small stuff.</p>
<p>If the conversation is one chopped liver mother of a beautiful daughter to another chopped liver mother of a beautiful daughter, I might answer, “Yeah, our daughters look so good - it must be nice to look like a Barbie doll.”</p>
<p>Others might get “We’re sending her to a convent next week.”</p>
<p>I tend to comment on a child’s looks either when it’s a parent/child that I know well and talk to often…then I can say “Wow,she looked fabulous for prom!” or someone I haven’t seen in years…then “Wow, I remember the braces…what a lovely girl she grew up to be.”</p>
<p>My D is the most photogenic person I know IRL. When I’m complimented on photographs of her, I usually make a funny remark like “Yeah, her passport picture looks better than my wedding portrait” or otherwise make light of it.</p>
<p>I don’t know anyone whose self-esteem has been lowered by being told they are attractive! It goes without saying, of course, that your daughter is intelligent and competent. </p>
<p>Sometimes people compliment my kids on their looks- handsome son, beautiful daughter, just trying to be nice if they haven’t seen them for awhile. I just smile and say, “Thanks! He’s (She’) a good kid!”</p>
<p>You are definitely being too sensitive. Respond with a “Thank you”. And make sure you compliment her on her accomplishments. Your opinion is the one that matters.</p>
<p>I gave that compliment myself a few days ago, when I met the parents of my 16-year-old son’s new “girlfriend” (or whatever term is currently used). WOW, she’s a knockout! My first thought was, “How did DS catch HER eye??” He told me she’s done some modeling, but stopped after she tripped once. I never know whether he’s pulling my leg or not.</p>
<p>A few months ago I told my 14 yo niece that she’s beautiful. She said, “thanks Aunt DB. My mom never says that.” </p>
<p>I think compliments matter a lot to teens. Especially when they come from (or don’t come from) someone they look up to. For better or worse, appearance DOES matter in this world.</p>
<p>As the mother of a beautiful and brilliant daughter, I always just say thank you to the compliments. Being pretty does not take anything away from other accomplishments and remember, beauty is fleeting.</p>
<p>The best thing of all is that my daughter has always been pretty, but she never really thought so. She has grown into one of the most fabulous young women I have ever encountered. Life is good.</p>
<p>A friend rolls her eyes when we compliment her D. Privately, she admits this girl is hell in a handbasket to live with. How do we respond to that!?</p>
<p>Looking forward, what comes to mind is my feeling about dressing babies and toddlers in an attractive manner. If not functional, they might as well be decorative. </p>
<p>Seriously though, that girl might need some complements in another direction, about her personality, talents or whatever, as perhaps she’s not getting much of that at home amid the battles. </p>
<p>Planestate, you’re perhaps being a little sensitive. However, if you’re like my mom, from a plain state where folks were not traditionally recognized for something as fleeting as beauty, your sensitivity is coming from a good place. Rather one where more important traits should be recognized. But the world is appearance conscious these days, and a simple thank you might suffice, if not up to a little humor.</p>
<p>A THANK YOU with a smile on your face is all you need to do. People are being kind & do not always know what to say or the best way to say things. I would accept the compliment for what it is - a compliment! Your daughters many accomplishments add to her beauty & self confidence.</p>
<p>As for… “”(I’m the chopped liver mother)" - UGH! Do not feel that way - those are the the comments of a petty person meant to make you feel diminished. Jealousy!</p>
<p>I had a so called “friend” always make comments about my son. My son is a good looking young man and was a very cute/good looking child,of course as the mom I always think this, but it also came from strangers on the street, an editor of a magazine that we sat next to on a plane wanting him to model, fathers of classmates (this one always caught me off guard) etc… This friend use to always make comments such as this “Your son is soooooo good looking! So handsome! There is not a BIT of you in him! I do not see you in him AT ALL!” - In front of people she would say this! I kept my distance & felt sorry for her</p>
<p>The self-esteem concern had to do with the linking of self-confidence to looks. As mentioned, the looks can come and go but the sense of self-worth should come from within. American society (media at least) seems to portray intelligence and attractiveness as incompatible. I can’t even watch “The Big Bang Theory” anymore because of the way they portray the smart kids. The hot chick is, of course, a waitress.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t read an insult into “beautiful” and “looks just like her dad.” Both can be equally true, but in an unrelated kind of way. It’s not necessarily calling you chopped liver at all, though I can see how one might take it that way!</p>
<p>Yes, you are being a bit sensitive but I understand why. At 18, though, I doubt since you are even thinking about this that your daughter thinks that outward appearance is all-important. I don’t know about you, but beauty within is a bright light and an physically attractive young woman with that light is a true knock out.</p>
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