Two part question here.
For those who have had this phrase said to them, how does it make you feel?
For those who have said this to someone, what are you thinking when you say it?
Some context - I have just started a new job. There are two extreme extroverts there, and two (including me) decided introverts, both of whom are brand new. The extroverts have mentioned our quietness MANY times in the 4 weeks I have now been there. I am old enough & comfortable enough with myself that it doesn’t upset me anymore - I know that as I get to know my new colleagues and feel more at home, I will share more and more. The other introvert is quite young, and I can tell the comment flusters her, as it used to fluster me. It felt like an accusation, certainly a criticism, and is likely to result in the quiet person becoming more self-conscious and thus even quieter. But I wonder if the extroverted folks feel uncomfortable with us, interpreting the quietness as standoffishness, or being judgmental?
OK, a third part to the question - what’s a good reply to this comment?
Answer for the third part:
You’ve acknowledged here that it is a true statement so just: Nod and then say, ‘yup’!
No explanation is needed; you just agree.
“Better to remain silent and thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” (This last one might do better as a sign - have seen it attributed to A. Lincoln.)
I am the quiet one and H talks to himself just to hear a voice when he’s alone.
I have a friend with this issue. She is voluble, extroverted, outgoing, a female version of my H. Her son is quiet and the type who doesn’t seem comfortable in a crowd. I have spent literally years telling her that her son is FINE, that it is a good thing to be comfortable with your own company and that he will find his people at college. Her son is like I was in school but in a male version.
JMO. People like to think they can cross that personal line, they think it’s their friendliness and want assurance you’re with them. And imo, in an office, you can’t always fire back.
“You’re so quiet.”
Smile, “I’m listening.” (Done nicely, not to imply they’re hogging the airwaves.)
I’ve used that. But if I know the people and like them, smile, then some version of “Don’t worry, when I get rolling, you’ll want to kick me.”
It doesn’t bother me, because I know I’m not always quiet, it’s not some flaw. I’d reassure my young co-worker it’s not her, not a critique.
I get the “You are so quiet” not so much when I’m not talking, but when the extroverts around me sense I’m tuning them out or not participating in the conversation at all.
It seems code for “Don’t you like us?” or “Is anything wrong?” or “Aren’t you enjoying XYZ?”
I find it exhausting.
Adding a little comment here or there, or asking the talkers questions to keep them talking helps give the impression I’m engaged. I don’t know about you, but I actually forget to say something at times, when people just expect a little Oh! or That’s crazy!
I was so quiet in high school, I was voted Most Stuck Up. I was floored. I had no idea I was giving that impression! I had a talkative best friend and let her do all the talking.
Not saying you are doing the same! Extroverts rule the world.
I’m introverted. I’m also sarcastic. I’d probably say, “Not quiet! I just don’t need to talk all the time! - especially when I’m working!”
I find at work that people can waste A LOT of time. Standing around chatting in the morning, coffee room chat, lunchtime chat, mid afternoon chat…ALL. THAT. CHATTING.!!! I’m “ok” friendly, and I might endulge in a morning chat for a couple minutes to catch up - but also, we spend lots of days and hours at work! How much catching up do we need to do!? I really don’t need to know what your evening before entailed, how you slept and how the drive in was in the morning!!!
I think it’s very rude for people to keep calling attention to others who are quiet. However, sometimes people do need reassurance that it’s not something personal. I would have no problem mentioning that it’s just my personality, I’m not a talker, but I do listen.
I have learned to fake it well over the years. But too much conversation exhausts me and I need a break. That’s why on a layover, I am a ,“slam clicker”, slam the hotel door and lock it, don’t want to meet with anyone socially unless I get talked into it (or it’s someone I know well and like). It’s just wears me out.
Some great input here - thank you all! I think this one is my favorite “Don’t worry, when I get rolling, you’ll want to kick me.” It says what I’m trying to convey - yes, I’m quiet but once I get the lay of the land you’ll hear plenty from me. And its hopefully reassuring to the extrovert that I’m not snubbing them with my quietness.
And @busyparent - that book changed my life. It was what convinced me to “come out” as an introvert & be fine with it, rather than try to pretend to be outgoing & feeling like a fraud.
Abasket, what drove me nuts were the office people who, every time you ran into them at some stopping point, (eg, the coffee maker,) wanted to say, “Hi, how you doing?” and get some full bore, updated answer. I’d want to growl, “Same as an hour ago.”
Yes, Gertrude, that fine line that says we aren’t disapproving. As my mother used to say, “Gahhh, people are complicated.”
My MIL used to tell me all the time how quiet my H is. I thought, hmm, not with me. Now I have a son who isn’t talkative with us. I wish he would share s little more, but he has lots of friends so I’m sure he talks as much as he wants or needs to with them. I’m introverted but can also be talkative at times. It takes all kinds.
I think Gertrude is totally appropriately sociable! (But I did meet her at a social occasion.)
It does sound like your young coworker might benefit from some reassurance that it’s them, not her, and she shouldn’t feel obligated to defend herself. I guess “and you’re so noisy” is not an appropriate response to “you’re so quiet”?
@GertrudeMcFuzz - You said it! It’s only since I’ve realized that it’s OK to be my introverted self and take care of that side of me that I’ve felt comfortable in my own skin. I just wish it hadn’t taken me so long.
This is a great topic for discussion. I am an introvert married to an extrovert.
I would love to hear from some extroverts on this subject. How does it feel from your perspective to work with an introvert? What do you mean when you say "you’re so quiet " ? What are you trying to accomplish? Do you think the introvert does not know they are quiet? Are you trying to draw them out and get them involved in the discussion?
I am genuinely interested in this, not to bash on extroverts, but to gain some insight. I shut down when too many extroverts are in the room. It seems my voice and my opinions are not needed.
A better way would be to politely try to find a topic of common interest and have a short pleasant conversation. I consider it rude to tell someone who is quiet that they are quiet. I’m an extrovert most times and purposely try to make some pleasant conversation with quieter folks so I don’t monopolize the conversation. In meetings I try to get some feedback from everyone in attendance, as facilitators are supposed to do.
I think a lot is gained from hearing our introverts, when they are comfortable and willing to share their thoughts. They may be more observant and insightful and add new perspectives to the discussion.
