This is an interesting topic, and one I’m enjoying. I am an extrovert, although one that doesn’t chew your ear off. I’ve been in situations where I feel invisible and didn’t like being ignored or asked my opinions. I’ve never asked someone “why are you so quiet”, but can tell easily who are the more introverted ones in a group, and the extroverts. who take over the conversation. Often I will ask questions to the introvert in the group, so they won’t feel ignored and because we all got together to share.
I like “sharing” conversations, and don’t enjoy it being one sided…carrying it all so to speak. That is exhausting. If it’s a work situation, I think it’s different. One has no responsibility in being anything but professional. In social settings, there is a responsibility to not make the extroverts the entertainment, we don’t like that.
How about “You guys are such a fun and boisterous bunch it’s hard to get a word in edgewise!”
I’m a quiet person. IMO it’s probable these people have been trying to socialize with you/other quiet person and are getting nothing back. That’s what’s going on when someone says it to me, in any case. I don’t think it’s rude unless they’re jumping on you with something like that the first or second day. In that case, it’s personally type I try to avoid whenever possible.
@Marilyn - oh, I’ve been so tempted to use the “and you’re so noisy!” comeback, but that wouldn’t be the best thing for building relationships probably (though how is it any worse than "you’re so quiet?). One of my new extroverted coworkers narrates her entire day - “I can’t believe this email” “I spilled my coffee”. She’s far enough from me that I don’t feel like she’s talking directly to me, so I don’t have to respond. I can tune it out, or listen and be amused, as I see fit. If I were right next to her, and she expected a response each time, I’d be useless - I’d get no work done & I’d probably have to ask to be moved.
I actually test as an extrovert but I am somewhat quiet at work because I am trying to get a lot of work done. I can’t imagine telling someone “you’re so quiet”
Truthfully there are a few people in my office who are “chatty” a lot of the time and hey drive me nuts. I would like to tell them " you’re so loud".
@Midwest67 - I had a similar experience once in HS. I was very shy, hadn’t yet embraced my introversion, was listening a lot (but didn’t recognize that that was just my way) and overheard some people walking behind me talking about how aloof I was. I was stunned. I wasn’t aloof, I was just peering in the window at the party, as it were, wondering where I fit in.
And great question. I haven’t been challenged on my introversion for quite some time, I think in part because I’ve so actively embraced it, but I have used variations on the theme of “I just need time to warm up.” People seem to get that.
Then there was that time I was on a bad date and got called out on how quiet I was being. Date satisfied himself thinking I was a shrinking violet. In fact, I was just counting the minutes until it was over; I didn’t have the confidence to just excuse myself and put an end to it.
This is a very enlightening discussion. I’m an introvert, but I also tend to talk too much at my current job – probably because I’ve been there 6 years now, and I’ve gotten to know some people well. I talk too much to the people I know well, but I’m still reluctant to talk with the others.
In fact, this morning I posted a question on the wedding thread (about the ages when kids need high chairs or booster seats) that could just as easily have been answered tomorrow by people in my office who are parents of young children. But none of those younger colleagues are my friends, and I wouldn’t feel right about bothering them.
I’m following this thread carefully to learn from everyone’s ideas.
@MaineLonghorn , my experience differs with yours. In my experience, in groups, the extroverts need to be mindful , but so do the introverts. Everyone has a responsibility to contribute. In my experience, simply leaving space for the introverts in a discussion is useless in many cases. They need to be called on at some point.
When I was in college, I ate most meals with the same group of friends. We had lots of lively conversation, and often played games such as “casting” ourselves in TV shows and movies. One day the other extrovert and I decided to try an experiment. We sat silent and ate our dinner. No one uttered a word for at least 5 minutes. We couldn’t take it anymore. (BTW, I just remembered that if we were all in MASH, I was Hawkeye and she was Klinger. )
I would NEVER say to someone that they are “so quiet,” any more than I would tell someone else to shut up. Both are rude. Yes, people who narrate their entire day or bend your ear endlessly about their personal concerns are annoying. But so are people who don’t participate at all, not even to give the expected little sounds or exclamations that indicate that they are listening to you. We all need to be mindful. Active listening is a good skill for everyone.
For the quiet ones, conversational skills can be learned. I also got the “she’s so aloof” back in the day-- my roommate actually told me that our new friends thought I didn’t like them, which was far from the case! I was shocked to hear it but it really opened my mind to consider what it’s like to have to be around me, as opposed to only considering what it was like from the inside of me. I’ve progressed a lot! I’m still on the quiet side, but a great conversationalist now–and this was learned by channeling and emulating those I admired in this trait and actually TRYING.
(In post #21 I meant to type “a personality type I try to avoid”. It’s true, non stop talkers wear me out, especially when they drone on and on from story to story that’s fascinating in their mind but a big yawn in mine. I’ll take a quiet person any day over this. The key is being thoughtful. )
(Remember the “That one time, at band camp…” girl? Ha ha ha)
^ People are not quiet because they don’t have “conversational skills.” It’s a temperament, not an ability issue.
The thing about being introverted, for me and some other people, is that I can be quite involved in conversation in individual, comfortable moments. But too much social stuff exhausts and stresses me to the max. I thrive on time by myself, and lots of times, in a social situation that I am participating in, an alarm starts going off in my head and I just need to be done. It’s not always true; there are people I am totally comfortable with and could spend all evening with happily, but if there’s any at all unfamiliarity or anything that sets off my “need to be by myself” preferences, it can get torturous.
My HS reunion last year was a freaking nightmare–not doing THAT to myself again!
As an introvert, I don’t care for responses that make it seem like we have a problem. I don’t “need time to warm up,” I speak when I have something to add to the conversation. We’re not extroverts, and it’s pretty forward of extroverts to try to pressure us to interact the way that they do. Why not simply ask the quiet person in the group an open ended question instead of embarrassing them in front of everyone else? If you feel like you’re carrying the conversation and you don’t want to continue, just quit talking. People don’t really like silence, so somebody else will probably jump in.
I’d forgotten that people used to make comments like that to me. I generally responded with something like, “Really? I hadn’t noticed.” People seem to like to talk about themselves so I learned to make mental notes of things they mentioned so I had something ready to ask them about in case I needed it. If I’m in a group, I wait for a lull in conversation because that’s the perfect time to insert one of those questions. The beauty of it is that I have something prepared and the extroverts aren’t soaking up all my energy.
If extroverts find it exhausting to talk with introverts, they need to develop some strategies too. The ones mentioned upthread about asking individuals questions to make sure everyone has an opportunity to participate in the conversation is s good one, and it’s one I’d encourage OP to use with her young coworker when the two of you are in a larger group.
I think certain types of people at work see the quietness as a threat on some level(like this new person is figuring out how to get my job) which just increases their need to know why you are so quiet. and for some people they need validation…so if you are not talking to them that means you do not like them…and they need reassurance as to why you are so quiet.
“… I was shocked to hear it but it really opened my mind to consider what it’s like to have to be around me, as opposed to only considering what it was like from the inside of me. I’ve progressed a lot! I’m still on the quiet side, but a great conversationalist now–and this was learned by channeling and emulating those I admired in this trait and actually TRYING…”
I like the way you phrased this, redpoodles. I’m a little embarrassed to admit how very long it has taken me to develop some awareness & take corrective action.
I think a savvy extrovert knows how to reassure her/himself it’s not aloofness. A few words here and there to an introvert can do the trick. And often, just a private moment. “Everything going ok?” to a new employee may more comfortable than expecting everyone wants to be bubbly in a group. Or wants to do the TMI.
There are introverts who don’t want open ended questions. That’s fine. Accept their quieter nature. But aloof is a different thing going on.
@lookingforward I totally hate the “everything ok” question! Ha!
I think in my case, and in a lot of cases, we don’t know what kind of body language we are displaying or the messages we send that way. We think we’re polite because we’re quiet, but being too quiet can also feel rude/unfriendly/aloof/snobby/angry to people on the receiving end of it.
Like I said, people can learn this. Being aware is the first step.
I did end up becoming great friends with those people who thought I didn’t like them, btw. I learned from them.
Another confession…I am not only introverted and quiet and exhausted my too much social interaction…I am blessed with a deadly serious look on my face, made worse with age.
@austinmshauri - I can totally relate. My dad was a hyper-extrovert who went to his grave criticizing me and trying to get me to be more like him. I complied most of the time just to keep the peace and avoid hearing things like “You’re no fun.” I felt like I was playacting most of the time I was with him, and it’s one of the reasons I loved him but don’t really miss him that much.
(BTW, I just remembered that if we were all in MASH, I was Hawkeye and she was Klinger. 
)