During the first week of K the teacher brought my d to the car and asked, is she like this all the time? I said if you mean talkative? Yes, the moment she gets up until she falls over at night. She plastered a smile on her face and said, great!
We’re 50/50 in our house. My hubby and daughter talk to themselves, sing to themselves and process things by speaking out loud.
I am perfectly capable of carrying on conversations and being in public, but I am glad I moved my office to my house. When I’m working I really can’t deal with idle chit chat. I have a signal now for everyone, if my office door is shut, don’t bother me. But the door has glass windows so hubby will stand and stare at me - lol.
I am glad that OP found a strategy that seemed to help. It sounds like the extroverts in the office come from a behavioral style where they might prefer to think out loud, and they require the social interaction to increase their trust and credibility. As an introvert, you may be more guarded about your own thought process, preferring contemplation before reaching your decisions. Or you may be more focused on the limited time needed to accomplish the goals, and you see the chatting to be a painful waste of time.
Recognizing the different behavioral styles can be helpful, as long as both the introverts and extroverts are willing, and able to do so. Some people are more direct than others who may be indirect. This doesn’t make either right or wrong. Similarly, some are more guarded while others are more open.
When extroverts learn that others see chatting as a big waste of time, they tend to adapt, but it may take time. Similarly, when introverts learn that some people’s trust is built with personal communication, they usually adapt and take the time to develop the personal relationship.
I would suggest that the best comment an introvert in a new job can give to someone who asks them of being so quiet, is to tell them "yeah, that’s me, there’s a lot to take in. For the record, I understand you aren’t trying to be rude and personally accuse me of being different, but there was a time in my life when I might have taken a comment that way. I’m glad you’ll be patient with me as our styles will ultimately bring out the best in each other so we can accomplish great things as a team…’
Since this thread was started, I’ve been trying to pay more attention at work.
I’ve noticed that it is not all extroverts that wear me down at work, it’s a particular type of extrovert. We have 2-3 employees that almost never stop talking. Really, it’s astonishing to me, as a quiet person.
It’s mostly the personal stories, current events, and sharing “hilarious” YouTube videos that wear me down.
With the personal stories (my sister’s neighbor’s child was just dx’d with cancer…), it’s more difficult for me to escape without appearing rude or heartless.
With the current events (politics or crime or sensational stories), that seems a bit easier to slip away from, although it might make me seem stuck up (see my HS story upthread).
With the YouTube videos, I rarely gather around to watch, but try to smile at others enjoying themselves.
Mostly, I want to get back to work, and wish everyone else would get back to work. But it’s a free-wheeling kind of employment environment.
We recently took a tour of Fallingwater, Frank Lloyd Wright’s design in PA. It was our second visit.
The tour guide for our first visit gave us a wealth of information. The second visit wasn’t as satisfying because the tour guide began each talk with asking us questions. What do you like about this room? What do you think the owners used this for?
It was annoying. I paid $30 a person for the tour. Give me the information I paid for.
At the end the tour guide said she wondered about our group because it took so long for her to get us to talk. So it made me wonder if she was an extrovert much like the ones who work with Gertrude, who need feedback to validate their worth.
Normally I would have just been unhappy with the presentation style, but due to this thread I had a little more understanding.
At my last job, I had the last office at the end of the hallway. Nobody ever came there unless it was to see me or to sneak out the back door without the boss seeing. At my present job, I was first assigned an office with a glass window in the middle of the floor. It was awful! When my firm moved, lots were drawn to pick offices. I got a low number and selected the only office without a glass window. My boss has an open door policy, but I am allowed to keep my door closed because there is a printer right outside of it. I do have a rear window but it looks into a courtyard. I love my privacy. People have to knock before they enter my office so I can make myself look busy if I don’t want an interruption.
I would classify myself as in the middle. As a child and through college, I was extremely introverted. When I went to law school, I made a deliberate effort to become more outgoing. I am by no means an extrovert who needs to share everything, but I do have a couple of work friends with whom I will chat on a regular basis. Generally, we start by discussing a work issue and then move into personal things. I try to keep these chats to 5 minutes or less. It is difficult for me but one of the people I chat with is someone I have known for over 20 years who is a consummate extrovert and the other is a working mom like myself.
It has been enlightening for me to learn that extroverts find some introverts as annoying as I find some extroverts! I will remember that in the future.
Thinking back on a past experience that still rankles me. I had just read the “Quiet - The Power of Introverts” book, and I was feeling SO GOOD that someone finally said it’s not only OK to be an introvert, introverts actually have some valuable qualities they bring to the table. Wow, these things that I’ve been criticized for (and very down on myself about) my whole life can actually be good things? This was several years ago, in a completely different workplace, but I shared these thoughts excitedly with a colleague (above me, but not my boss). His response -“I can teach you to be more extroverted if you want.” NO - completely missing the point.
You CAN learn to act more extroverted on the outside, as I taught myself, but on the inside, I am still introverted. Case in point - friends of ours just discovered long lost family and are bonding with them. They are both extroverts as is my H. I love them and enjoy dinner with them because all 3 talk so much and I just kind of nod and say uh uh occasionally. However, they recently invited us over to meet the new family. I made H tell them my D was coming to visit before going on vacation because I just didn’t feel ready to handle that type of interaction. They usually give a party in early summer with 100’s of people. Ironically, I find that easier to handle than a small dinner party where I am expected to be more on and engaged. I find a seat and stay there. In a huge group, it’s easier to hide. It’s also why I preferred large lecture classes in college. I also very rarely mingle at company or bar functions. I take my seat and stay there.
If you asked anybody who knows me now, most would say I am am extrovert. It’s a hard won and fought battle to appear outgoing when needed.
Extroverts do not need to “share everything.” Extroverts don’t talk just to talk. Extroverts gain energy from genuine interaction with other people. That often means having intimate and meaningful conversations in which the extrovert focuses on the other person.
Extroverts are just as annoyed as anyone else by the type of person who never shuts the hell up and makes it difficult to concentrate on the task at hand. Extroverts are also annoyed by people who never let anyone else get a word in edgewise–some of whom are introverts, one might point out, who once they take the floor cannot seem to master back and forth with others, they are just going to talk, often slowly and deliberately, until they are done–or who chatter aimlessly.
And guess what? Extroverts have feelings too. Just because a person has the courage to put themselves out there doesn’t mean that they are immune to being put down, rejected, and/or insulted, far from it.
It seems to me that many of you have a hard time distinguishing rudeness and cluelessness from extroversion. Just as, perhaps, others can have a hard time distinguishing rudeness and social awkwardness from introversion.
It doesn’t have to be either/or, nor the extremes some present, the fixed labels, implying wrong on the other side. Ie, that extrovert means endless drivel and introvert means they shrivel at contact.
I winced at “teaching social skills” because it seems to imply more ‘us vs them.’ It’s really just about balance, being mindful of the level of interaction needed in a group. Not too much, not too little, just right.
If a few are dominating, in whichever direction, that sounds like a personality and judgment issue. Not the simpler matter of likes to interact vs prefers less.
I think I’m pretty outgoing. I like to do things and I have friends. Where I differ from my sister and my sister in law is that I don’t particularly want to be with people all the time or need to have a large circle of friends.
They are always busy and love to plan things and go places. I’m more of a small group person and am more of a home body. It doesn’t mean I don’t like people or am unsocial. I just crave less of it than those I know who are more extroverted than me.
I have a group of people who get together to dine once a month. I like these people and see them in other things I do. I’m not great at the group thing though. I’ll go occasionally and it’s fine. But it’s too many people and too many conversations. I was talking to a friend and she said, I want to go to that restaurant but can just us go? Perfect for me. I would spend time with each person there but I’m better when it’s not all of them at once.
I have a friend. She loves to entertain and loves to have groups at her house. I break out in hives at the thought. Girls trips, I will do them but on my own terms. I think people think I’m a bit odd.
I always say, I live a very boring life. And I’m happy that it is.
I only say to someone “you’re so quiet” if I am good friends with them and it’s unlike them… I follow with “what’s on your mind? Do you want to talk about it?” I wouldn’t just say it to anyone. But I’ve also been through personality training…
For those of you thinking the statement is rude - I really don’t think when someone says “you’re quiet” that they are being mean spirited at all… that’s quite an assumption. I don’t think it’s rude, they just don’t understand and I highly doubt they mean to be rude.
I was extremely shy in HS and often people thought I was stuck up or were intimidated by me (as I found out later), but really I was just very shy/self conscious or whatever. Mid-college I got a job selling which brought me out of my shell in a major way and became extremely extroverted. I learned how to relate to people and throughout my 20’s, I tended to be more extroverted.
Now, I’m in between. When I’m at work, I really want to focus and not engage in idle chat. Yet I know the importance of developing relationships with my coworkers and let them know I care, which I do. Also, I can get excited about going out to happy hour with a bunch of people OR get equally excited about going home by myself to binge watch netflix.
After a little research on the topic, I consider myself an ambivert! Here’s a great article on it and after reading it just now, I really identify with it and it kind of makes sense why I’m a good saleswoman! Also, the part about getting “stuck” sometimes is so true for me.
