^^^ Bingo. Extroverts need peace and quiet too. The difference is…where do you get your energy? Being around other people or being alone? I love, love, love my alone and quiet time, but start to feel drained if I have too much of it and need to be around people socially, interacting to feel energized.
Introverts can be quite charming and social, and love it…but find it more draining and need to be alone to energize. My DH is like this…people love him, but he could do without them if need be.
I think there is a difference between quiet / talker vs. extroverted/introverted.
In general, too many people feel comfortable making statements like: “You’re too…” or “You’re so…” about a lot of personal characteristics–not just talkativeness. In doing so they essentially accuse others of being extreme in one direction or the other, since clearly they consider themselves as the standard of moderation. To me it’s rude and arrogant for them to think they have the right to be the arbiters of what’s normal. For example, some people have implied that I care “too much” about everything. Maybe I do, but what if I think their lack of caring is plain irresponsible? I never tell them they don’t care enough!
I am an introvert and as a child was terribly shy. They aren’t the same thing at all. The shyness came from fear. The introversion, as others have said, is defined by where I find energy. Fear can and should be dealt with. Introversion is what it is, and I appreciate extroverts who realize that I’m just not the same as they are, and are willing to make the same effort I as I am at the give and take that relationships require, particularly in social environments that favor extroverts. Both introverts and extroverts make valuable contributions to the world, they’re just different. Introversion is not a character flaw.
DH is an extovert. I can remember a time he took one of our daughters out (around age 12 maybe?) for a meal and shopping. She said almost nothing the whole time, but at the end told dad with a lot of genuine enthusiasm what a great time she’d had. She was happy just to be with him and comfortable with quiet. He was confused by the lack of conversation and thought she wasn’t having fun. Who needs to change to suit the other? I’d argue what is needed is just mutual understanding of different needs and some give and take.
OP : " Two part question here."
“For those who have had this phrase said to them, how does it make you feel?”
Made me feel more alone than I did earlier. Lousy. It pointed out that I wasn’t in the equation in some way.
Or able to hide like I would have liked at the time. Really needed a response that didn’t make me out to be the “bump on the log”. It is a statement similar to “you are fat”. It sounds like that to the receiver.
But being called “quiet” doesn’t ring the same for people.
They actually wonder “are you naturally quiet?”, “or upset?”, “something wrong?”, “did I do something to make you quiet?”
“For those who have said this to someone, what are you thinking when you say it?”
Never said it to anybody. I tend to give people benefit of the doubt. I don’t think it’s meant to be anything other than an invitation to join the group.
Especially when people are nice and welcoming in other ways as you say they are.
Yes, it’s uncomfortable to have people in a group (depends on topic) who don’t voice any opinion. Especially when people are trying to get to know one another. Later on–when you know one another–total quiet at times will suffice.
Third part–what to say in response? Depends on the situation.
That’s’ why I suggested the book. Sometimes just a nod, or “okay” or “so sorry!, I’m just so focused on working–tell me again later!” works. Learn some ways to turn chatty cathy off if that’s the problem. Don’t totally zone out.
I think the first 2 responses in this thread would get the point across.
I am a talker and can only speak for myself. I would say “you are quiet” just like I would mention it is windy outside. No digs intended and certainly no intention to make someone feel uncomfortable, just a statement of observation with no hidden meaning.
Both styles can be perceived in a less than positive light, but I believe the majority of the time both are simply an innocent combination of upbringing, genetics and habits.
I have worked on talking less, but it is a difficult journey. I was painfully shy as a child and I don’t know what happened, but sometime in late high school I became a talker. I could guess that this was about the time my mom stopped always speaking for me…
To those I have unintentionally embarrassed or hurt, I am truly sorry. To those I have made to feel welcome, I am truly happy.
Observation, not a pick:
“I am a talker and can only speak for myself. I would say “you are quiet” just like I would mention it is windy outside.”
This made me think. As leaning more towards introverted I can’t imagine myself ever saying, “you sure talk alot!” to someone in a general/work/social setting (unless with family or something!) .
In general, do people see these two statements: “you are quiet” or “you sure talk a lot!” as being offensive?
It makes sense to ME that introvert might not say “you sure talk a lot” - because they are introverted!
My answer: I would not say “you sure talk a lot” because to me it sounds rude. Ruder than “you are quiet”. In my mind, nothing wrong with being quiet. But being too chatty can be annoying.
“You are quiet” could also be a comment of concern. Perhaps a talker thinks being quite means something is wrong. Making the statement might be an invitation for the quiet one share what is going on…like you might say to one of your kids or a friend.
When I was growing up in Korea (when Confucious teachings were followed), being quiet was considered as a virtue. Having moved to US 40 years ago and being an introvert, I have been feeling disadvantaged all these years. I am sure it would be different even in Korea nowadays, having gone through such a dramatic change in society especially economically.
I suspect that those who say it, being generally nice people, would be surprised to hear that the recipient is hurt or upset by the comment. It does sting a bit though. A “How are you today?” would probably serve the same purpose of making a connection, with no implications of criticism attached.
I would never say that to someone I know only casually or professionally. It comes across as passive aggressive.
But rude or not, and depending on the source, my concern with a comment like that directed to a new employee would be that it’s meant as a not so subtle hint that this office values a more socially engaged co-worker.
My advice would depend on whether the people making these comments have any authority or influence. If they do, I’d be inclined to take it as a(not so constructive)criticism. If they don’t, I’d be more likely to consider them garden variety obnoxious types.
A particular office culture can be a good fit or a bad fit for an individual. I’ve known people who just wanted to get their work done and leave who were hurt professionally, and I’ve also known people who had a hard time adjusting to an “all business” type of environment after coming from a more open, friendly place.
It may not be criticism from a manager, per se, but an effort to get them to engage. In a meeting, eg, when others are piping up. That’s one thing.
But I got the impression this was office chat, not the business of business. If so, it’s intrusive, maybe even obnoxious, yes. But maybe their style. What makes an introvert uneasy isn’t necessarily an attack.
Here’s a little follow up. Yesterday I decided to pre-emptively engage with my extroverted colleague (the one who narrates all day), who I would describe as “good-naturedly obnoxious”. I went to her desk & engaged her in some small talk about the weekend. That seemed to make her happy & I didn’t get her coming to my desk later in the day to announce how quiet I’d been that day, even though I did spend the remainder of the day deeply focused on a project.
There’s probably some truth to that. Extroverts thrive on attention and when they don’t get it, some of them are offended or think there must be something wrong with the person not engaging with them. My dad was that way.
So glad your pre-emotive strategy worked. If you need to focus on a project, you might also mention that in your pre-emotive small talk. “It’s so nice we can visit before I need to be immersed in that project that needs to be completed soon and is time sensitive. I know I won’t be able to multitask while doing it,” or something similar.
