“Quiet Award”, which I thought was a copout in that the teacher or camp counselor or whoever didn’t bother to get to know me"
It’s not up to others to drag information out of you. It’s too much work. You have to open up to them.
I know that because I could have won the “Quiet Award” myself at one time. Ugh. I don’t know what I was thinking all those years that I kept my opinions/thoughts to myself. Nobody cared. Nobody judged me when I opened up.
Deciding to “be me” and not worry about what everyone else thought was the best thing I ever did in my life.
Gained respect along the way and much happier.
Very true! I’ve quoted my friend before, but for those who haven’t heard it: “When I was in my 20’s, I worried about what others thought about me. In my 30s, I decided I didn’t care what they thought about me. In my 40s, I realized that nobody was thinking about me!” I wish I could get my kids to believe that, but I guess they have about 20 years before they figure it out for themselves.
I am an introvert. It took me a long time to realize that not everyone was exhausted from social outings.
I don’t mind the fact that extroverts are more talkative than I am, as long as it doesn’t impact me. For example, when visiting a friend and having a one on one conversation, she would receive phone calls and talk for 5-10 minutes while I just sat there patiently waiting…until the phone rang again. We are no longer friends.
My nephew’s wife is the epitome of being an extrovert. One day she asked me to join her while she took her two preschool boys to the city market. But when I arrived, two other mothers with their young children arrived to join us. To her, this was fun. To me, it was a nightmare. I made some excuse to leave. She was so concerned she offended me that she called her husband (my nephew) at work. He asked her when she was ever going to learn that his family consisted of introverts and didn’t view social outings the same way she does.
We still laugh about that today.
In fairness to her, if she would have told me she was inviting other friends, I would have declined the invitation. But she presented it to me as if it would be just she and I and the boys.
(I can teach)“But social interaction is exhausting. Whether or not I can do it or like it (I often do)–it is exhausting. I don’t know how to explain that if you don’t feel it yourself.”
Most of us would not be comfortable at the head of a classroom.
Teaching is not a regular social setting. Being in charge and knowing what you’re going to say and knowing the response you’ll get is not the same as being at a party or meeting someone for the first time when you can’t predict the response you may receive.
Both teaching and social interactions are very much learned skills (even those “natural borns” can learn a few tricks.). They are similar but very different.
But the more you practice the better (and more comfortable) you become especially with some instruction.
So–I think it is something you can learn and not all about temperament. You may never be GREAT at it–but opening oneself up to the possibility of learning how to interact with others is a plus.
What makes you think introverts aren’t already skilled at the art of small talk? Not talking all of the time – or enough to suit the resident extroverts – doesn’t mean we’re socially awkward or clueless. And we don’t need to explain why we aren’t as vocal as others decide they want us to be. It’s really none of their business.
People who call others out in public because they aren’t speaking enough to suit them are overstepping boundaries and are deserving of less interaction, not more. The excuses you suggest only reaffirm to the extrovert that there is something wrong with the introvert that needs to be explained away. It’s missing the point that introverts and extroverts are different. Introverts aren’t inherently shy. We don’t need pointers from extroverts to be like them or manuals to learn conversational skills. If extroverts want to help us, perhaps they should make an effort to restrain themselves from being openly rude to us. Otherwise, we may need to respond to comments like “you’re so quiet” with “only with you.” If that leads them to make the unpleasant assumption that we don’t like them maybe they’ll take the trouble to reflect on their own behavior to figure out why.
“In fairness to her, if she would have told me she was inviting other friends, I would have declined the invitation. But she presented it to me as if it would be just she and I and the boys.”
And I don’t consider you an “introvert” for wanting to avoid an overload of kids and confusion. That’s just a huge intrusion on your expectation of a nice afternoon. Big difference in my book between “introverted” and putting up with people making plans without input from all parties. Don’t equate “introversion” with “doormat”.
I also test as a slight extrovert as an undergrad and young professional and was more extroverted as a child until strongly restrained somewhat by being in a large immediate/extended family of mostly extreme introverts(by even WASP standards judging by comments from WASP neighbors of aunts/uncles and WASP in-laws who married into our extended family) and then attending a public magnet high school where the prevailing attitude equated extreme extroverts as less intellectual/intelligent/not worthy of being a genuine Nerd*.
Yes, we actually had an environment where introverts were regarded/assumed to be more intellectual/smarter than extroverts. Got burned a bit by this…which wasn’t helped by hitting the academic wall in 9th grade which further reinforced the prevailing stereotypes.
A part of this was also a strong anti-jock attitude among most HS classmates when I attended due to most having experienced bullying/violence from athlete/athletic elementary/middle school classmates. As one older HS alum put it, "at Stuy, WE made FUN of our athletes." Unfortunately, this was sometimes taken too far as several HS athlete classmates had to put up with being assumed to be intellectually dim even though they passed the same admission exam and as variable in academic performance/bona-fides as the rest of us.
And yes, the environment there was such being considered a “Nerd” was not only a positive thing, but something highly prized and hard to attain in that highly competitive…sometimes even cutthroat sink or swim academic environment.
Heh.
Most supervisors, regardless of where they fell on the introvert/extrovert spectrum had no tolerance for chatty folks, especially if they weren’t productive or causing the rest of the team to get delayed.
Wasn’t unheard of for some to grill them about their progress on their part of projects and if the progress wasn’t considered suitable, to tell them to “Shut up and get back to work! We’re not being paid to chat the workday away!!”
I absolutely hate small talk, but I can engage in it with the best of them. Just don’t ask me to do anything but read a book or stare at the TV for the next 12 hours or so.
Austin-“What makes you think introverts aren’t already skilled at the art of small talk?”
Not sure why you think I’m attacking “introverts”…heck, I am one.
Maybe we’re at odds but on the same page…you can be a great conversationalist but still an introvert. I know those people. Maybe you’re just quiet. But still present. That’s fine. You don’t have to talk a lot to have opinions and express yourself.
Or…maybe you’re.the person who doesn’t know what to say in social situations who considers themselves an “introvert”. And gets left behind. Or just does great one-on-one until it’s a stupid party/business situation with new people to meet and you feel awkward all the time. Ugh. A few pointers never hurt. Hence, the book recommendation.
I wouldn’t know if you are good at small talk or not. I really could care less… If you don’t open your mouth the assumption is you don’t know anything whether it is true or false. I did say “first impression”.
“And we don’t need to explain why we aren’t as vocal as others decide they want us to be. It’s really none of their business.”
Harder to do in an office/organizational setting without someone forming opinion. Because it really is business.
And the original post is an office setting with co-workers.
" are overstepping boundaries and are deserving of less interaction, not more."
Because you’ll get what you give. Nobody is pulling teeth. They’ll let you alone. (But don’t wonder why you got overlooked for the promotion).
But if I’m not mistaken the OP wants to have an ongoing relationship and grow communication-wise not shut down which would be totally counter-productive.
"We don’t need pointers from extroverts to be like them or manuals to learn conversational skills. "
The book is from a linguist who studies conversational exchanges just as a body language expert does. I have no idea if she is actually an extrovert or an introvert. Would that matter?
And I disagree about learning conversational skills–we learn to cook, dance, clean houses, get along with each other from a million self-help books.and we also need the finer skills of talking to people…
What I tried to say (and guess I didn’t very well–I really didn’t mean to direct my comments specifically to you or make implications) is that sometimes people who are really great at public speaking (speeches, teaching, etc) are not great with other types of social interaction (parties, business, one-on-one). They are two different animals and while a person may be great at one type of interaction doesn’t make them an expert at the other. But there are avenues to help and learn to become more comfortable in either situation if they choose to do so.
I agree, gouf, except," If you don’t open your mouth the assumption is you don’t know anything whether it is true or false." I don’t think they assume ignorance. Rather they can assume some issue behind extreme disengagement, in a situation calling for some engagement. Aloof would be easy, compared with some guesses.
There’s a little bit of “When in Rome” needed, when the culture expects it. Few work where everyone js just operating their own machine or crunching their own numbers.
I think being quiet can mean a variety of things: it can result from introversion, fatigue, boredom, or anger, to name a few. The reason might be relevant to and have an effect on the workplace but I don’t think coworkers or supervisors should comment about the quietness itself. At times, it is appropriate to encourage a person who is being quiet to talk. It depends on the situation.
Sorry, but I have to take issue with the “introverts need to be different” line of thinking. No we don’t. We’ve been told that all of our lives much to the detriment of our self esteem. If I am quiet for a good portion of my 9-hour work day (while I’m, you know, working!!) I’m not going to apologize for that. I am perfectly social in the break room and during meetings and lunch time. And I chat plenty (quietly) with the person in the next cube. And so I am perplexed by the “You’re so quiet” type comments & what they’re trying to achieve. I have to think it comes from an insecurity from the person saying it - that they don’t feel comfortable around me yet, but it seems like sort of a confrontational way to try to get to know someone.
OP-- But I wonder if the extroverted folks feel uncomfortable with us, interpreting the quietness as standoffishness, or being judgmental?
Maybe start over…
What are your working conditions? Are the extroverts nice to you other than these comments? welcoming? harassing in tone? your bosses? co-workers?
Nope, everyone’s very nice. I’m actually really excited about the job. Just started pondering this one issue, mostly after seeing my young co-worker deal with it & wondering how to discourage this particular type of statement without getting off on the wrong foot with anyone.
I can make small talk and work cocktail parties and handle business luncheons no problem. I just am exhausted. I don’t get energy from those situations like extroverts do.
I also prefer to consider responses and measure my words rather than speaking off the cuff.
