Youth,Stress and Suicide

Parent Cafe
21

<p>what we as parents need to do is remind ourselves and our kids and their friends, and their parents, that the kids don’t have to do it all- don’t have to be the perfect student, the jock, they don’t have to go to the school veryone assumes they wll go to, that if they mess up on an SAT scores or get rejected, its okay!!</p>

<p>That its okay to not get everything you want or expect, that its okay to mess up</p>

<p>There is often a trigger event that sends kids to think about suicide- getting dumped, getting a rejection letter, getting an test score they thought they did better on, and kids are soooooo worried about how others perceive them, they get embarrassed over stuff that to us seems trivial, but can loom very large indeed</p>

<p>Imagine being the top guy in your school, having everyone look up to you, people “knowing” you are top school bound, always feeling the need to appear together, and happy and doing it all- and then thinking its too much, you didn’t do as well and may not want or be able to do what everyone seems to expect of you</p>

22

<p>I know what you are saying, but from everything I have heard, this was just a happy bright kid. Not the top guy or anything, just a bright kid. Apparently he brought home some bad grades. </p>

<p>While this is a horrible tragedy, I can tell you that my parents were always upset when my grades were not good, and it was only because they knew what I was capable of, knew I had been slacking or distracted. I always saw it as ‘being kept on track’. My parents praise me when I do my best, and let me know when I don’t. It may be by grounding, loss of priveleges, whatever. </p>

<p>It’s really sad that this wonderful boy ended his lown ife. Maybe he would have ended it anyway, for some other reason, like the many possibilities you mention, further down the line.</p>

23

<p>While there are some parents who push and drive their kids excessively (and I don’t believe this case was such), most parents encourage, motivate and maybe upbraid their kids, as the situation warrants.</p>

<p>How would most normal parents be expected to put their finger on the inner pulse of their child’s brain, or know that some fine line had been crossed, by the one extra thing they said. </p>

<p>Do you think that a kid who commits suicide for some reason that pushed them over the edge, would have snapped anyways, over something else, sometime else?</p>

<p>I know of a 14 year old boy who fought with his older sister, and the parents grounded him, so he commited suicide.</p>

24

<p>i think there are no easy answers to any of the questions put here. i think some parents are WAY harsh and others WAY lenient. i think a family’s dyfunctions of various levels are the norm…none are perfect. of course, some families have serious problems that warrant outside help, and i have no idea if this was the case here. the impossible pursuit of perfection is a serious problem for kids AND adults. i guess, and this sounds so trite, the true emotional connection with your kids is what seems most important in terms of our converstion here. i really don’t think parents THINK sometimes! we all get so busy, preoccupied, we wouldn’t know of our kid’s pain if we fell on it. add to that the kid who is HIGHLY INVESTED IN HIS/HER ROLE OF HAPPY-GO-LUCKY. it’s a Catch 22…they won’t get real about their pain, and those around them think there’s NO PAIN. i think that’s what happened in this boy’s case. we need to listen to our kids , EVEN WHEN THEY’RE NOT TALKING.</p>

25

<p>“He had everything going for him…looks, intelligence, athletic prowess and on the way to one of the top ivies.”</p>

<p>and then imagine bringing home bad grades and disappointing yourself AND all those around you…</p>

<p>many males that kiil themselves, which is what we are talking about, do so because they don’t think they can take care of business</p>

<p>My neighbor, a wonderful man, sweet, funny, with grandkids, shot himself in the car outside my home…he didn’t get the job he wanted/needed- felt he failed all those around him and was embarrassed after talking about it and then it not happening</p>

<p>We talk about stress, etc., but that is just one piece of the puzzle, and given different time, no, I don’t think he would have snapped anyways…</p>

<p>Again i am not laying blame toward anyone, but more talking about a culture where people know everyone’s business, where we are talking about “ivy bound” before applications are even finished, and where expectations toward some person from everyone else are just not fair</p>

26

<p>When either of my kids was visibly upset I always asked the question, “You’re not thinking of hurting yourself are you?”</p>

<p>And hurting can take many forms – cutting, anorexia, binge drinking or other drugs.</p>

<p>I would always get storms of scorn rain down on my head. I didn’t mind: if they were okay enough to express their disdain at my silly question I figured that they were all right.</p>

<p>If the child shows no outward signs it is more difficult, almost impossible, to intervene, but there are things parents can do for their kids from the time they are very young. The most important thing is to tell the child outright that he/she is loved for him/herself, as in, “I’m really proud of your grade, award, trophy, score but I would love you just as much had you not gotten it.”</p>

<p>My kids got so used to me saying things like this that they would say, “I know Mom.” </p>

<p>Of course, this doesn’t make them immune to severe upset over love relationships, friendship issues, but it is a start. In the case of girls it’s also important to reassure them that parental love does not fluctuate based on their body shape or looks. </p>

<p>We must keep letting our children know that the most valuable parts of them can’t be measured by tests or college admissions and can’t necessarily be seen by others.</p>

<p>I am not suggesting that the family of a child who commits suicide is in any way at fault. I am just saying that there are some prophylactic measures parents can take to instill true self-esteem that does not waver based on current achievements or situations. Self-esteem creates more resiliant personalities.</p>

<p>Much of this is beyond our control, but there are these little things we can do.</p>

<p>We must convey that a child who attends a less selective school can be just as loved as the child attending the top ivy, and that a kid who is cut from the football team can be just as loved as the star quarterback. We can empathize with THEIR disappointment but convey that it doesn’t matter to us as parents. (Sometimes I would even have to tell white lies and do a little playacting to be the person I wanted to be.)</p>

27

<p>BEAUTIFUL, mythmom. your kids are blessed.</p>

28

<p>Mythmom,</p>

<p>Ditto here. My concern for my kids has been met at worst with scorn and at best with bemusement. It seems you have to know exactly the right questions to ask at exactly the right time, and rare is the parent of a teenager (especially boys!) with that talent.</p>

29

<p>Interesting about the worst times being October and early Spring. I recall hearing a radio program (NPR, I think) on the worst suicide time for adults being the week before Christmas. </p>

<p>Suicide hotline workers and psychiatrists report conversations with people unable to recapture feelings from youth and home, trigger points anticipating family reunions, negative old memories of family associated with Christmas, the inability to live up to expectations from previous times when Christmas (=family) was better than at present. </p>

<p>I worked with a teacher who did a fundraising walk for supporting families of those who had committed suicide. Her brother had been her loss.</p>

<p>Does anyone know the name of that organization?</p>

<p>Happycollegemom, I am so sorry for your community’s loss.</p>

30

<p>The vast vast majority of these kids have bipolar disorder. The best thing to do is get the kids with this problem the care and medications they need. Unfortunately, bipolar goes along with not taking your medication.</p>

31

<p>

</p>

<p>I’ve heard that before too. It’s a very common myth. Probably suicides are more memorable before major family holidays, but they are not more common at that time of the year in the United States. </p>

<p>After edit: I should have guessed that this is the topic of an article on the Snopes website. </p>

<p><a href=“http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/suicide.asp[/url]”>http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/suicide.asp&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

32

<p>ok, today was the funeral, but i was at work(whew) my husband was there and, like the viewings, it was awful. again, for privacy sake i won’t give any details. so…a few comments…no, this boy most probably did not have bipolar disorder. not from any of the info coming in from friends, who probably knew him the best, via a bunch of blogs. their theme for him is STEADINESS and a person others did and could go to. i believe, in the broad sense of the word he was “neglected” and he was in part responsible for this, as i said earlier. he needed to say ouch to someone, anyone. IF he did, it was masked by anger, even smiles, and i have a feeling he wasn’t a sqeeky enough wheel.
i think suicides happen at different times, for different people…different ways and times for males vs females, manner of, planned vs. impulsive, etc. highly variable. i think DEPRESSION, not suicide rises with the holidays for many/most people, largely because of society’s expectations for what it’s SUPPOSED to be like, vs reality! i believe those who for whatever reason are ready to die, do it quietly, seriously without holiday fanfare. they DON’T want to be stopped.</p>

33

<p>My brother committed suicide as a college sophmore at a UC almost exactly 25 years ago in early December. 18-22 is the age that mental illness and depression most often surfaces. Unfortunately it was not understood at that time as well as it is now. He was depressed and my mother had him meet with her Chaplain. He jumped off a bridge later that day. The note he wrote before jumping off a 300’ bridge after eating pizza (empty box found in car) said to celebrate his freedom from pain and not to blame themselves (my parents). </p>

<p>So senseless and sad. My parents have never been the same. It took me a long time to get over my anger at what I perceived as his selfishness to take his own life and inflict such horrifying pain and guilt on survivors. It was a rereading of his final note about ten years ago that forced my acceptance of the end of his pain and the fact that we all eventually went on with our lives and had a greater appreciation of life itself after.</p>

<p>A lesson was taught to my family at a tragic cost.</p>

34

<p>

I am just asking a question. It’s kinda early to say he was admitted to a top Ivy, when apps. have probably not even gone out yet. The reason I used this date is because the OP said that the suicide was committed on Oct.24.</p>

35

<p>Maybe he received his midterm grades and realized he would not be accepted to an Ivy and felt he let everyone down and there was no reason to live after that.</p>

<p>Very sad. My heart goes out to his family and friends.</p>

36

<p>You are probably right Primetime. I was confused because the OP said that he was on his way to one of the Ivies. So perhaps that was just speculation/expectation.
It is indeed tragic, no matter what the reason.</p>

37

<p>alice~ as i’ve been trying to tell you, the purpose of my thread ir NOT to dissect this poor young man’s life, nor his family’s. i never said he was IN at an ivy yet, and i thought i’ve made it very clear from all of my own postings that his confidentiality is paramount. i have given no real detail. the purpose of this thread, as i stated was to help me a bit in my pain, AND get parents and kids thinking about their own lives.</p>

38

<p>PrimetimeMom~
so very sorry for your loss. i think your experience highlights a few things…how when someone is “ready” they get very calm, and without fanfare about it…pizza first, for example. also, i don’t even think suicide HAS to be accompanied by mental illness, especially in the young. and yes, your anger and feelings of his selfishness are a natural outgrowth of the painful, self-centeredness of his moment. all the best to you. thanks for sharing.</p>

39

<p>You seem to misunderstand HCM.
I am sad about any suicide, and even more a young person’s.
I don’t see where anyone is dissecting his life? Really only asking realistic questions about what could have gone wrong.
You said he was on his way to one of the top Ivies, in your very first post. But then maybe thats the kind of comment that contributes to all the speculation in any small town.</p>

<p>As far as confidentiality goes, I don’t see any personal information given out by anyone.</p>

<p>I have had close encounters with 3 people that committed suicide. And even though they were not very close friends, I was affected for many months. So I understand your pain. But you certainly misinterpret my questions.</p>

40

<p>And yes, suicide is not the time to blame anyone. Who can imagine the torture and anguish in that person’s mind and soul to make them feel so cornered, so hopeless. The last thing that any parent wants is to lose a child to suicide. Even though its not their fault, the guilt will never go away. And the last thing on anyone’s mind, before they commit suicide, is how will this hurt the people around me.</p>