<p>this thread has become a very special place, with a certain, how shall i say it, spirituality of sorts. so i’m not going to get into debates and disrespect the purpose here. all i’m saying is, since i started this thread i’m acutely aware of its sensitivity and confidentiality. you have been sharing things you have found directly about this boy,ie, blog info,“family problems, bad grades,passing the funeral home, etc.” you obviously know of this sad situation and are directly quoting from privileged sources in ths public forum. that’s why i’ve repeatedly asked you to please be careful. your response was to question his ivy dates. you are not just asking general questions relating to him and suicide in general…you are sharing info you’ve read on kids personal blogs, make references to “my town” and are debating whether it’s about his family or grades. so THAT’s what i’m talking about. this ,again, is an almost sacred place where people are sharing extremely personal stories and insights. let’s get off of him as the direct focus. thanks.</p>
<p>“And yes, suicide is not the time to blame anyone. Who can imagine the torture and anguish in that person’s mind and soul to make them feel so cornered, so hopeless. The last thing that any parent wants is to lose a child to suicide. Even though its not their fault, the guilt will never go away. And the last thing on anyone’s mind, before they commit suicide, is how will this hurt the people around me.”</p>
<p>Yet! The telling of the anguish of our family over 25 years could possibly be a cautionary tale to a young person considering suicide. I think to this day that if my brother had taken a gap year or not worried about his grades for a semester and got kicked out of his UC and backpacked through Europe, he would have moved through his funk. He left a Fiance behind who later married, had children and then divorced her husband. She now joins my family for a vacation at least once a year. She was a psychology major at UCLA when he killed himself.</p>
<p>We all feel guilt, remorse, and know that it was a senseless death. My brother’s death has affected so many people’s lives. If he knew that, I believe he would not have taken his life.</p>
<p>I never directly talked about the young man, my posts were a general discussion how WE can take care of our young people, about the pressures WE can put on, however innocent…</p>
<p>We don’t know what triggered the suicide in this case at all, however, there are certain common events to young peoples’ attempts that we should be aware of, and ways that we can but undue expectations that we may not even think about</p>
<p>Its good to talk about this because if we can help another person, that is a good thing</p>
<p>don’t know why you chose to pick on my posts, hcm.</p>
<p>There is only personal information in your posts, not mine. </p>
<p>You are just distraught, and you are excused for that. There is no debate or disrespect in anyone’s posts. And threads can go in many directions. There is no “focus”.</p>
<p>PrimetimeMom: Thanks for sharing this painful part of your past. We are all the hostages of the people we love. Tolstoy pointed that out very well in Anna Karenina.</p>
<p>It’s hard to understand and frightening because none of us really knows what goes on in our kids’ heads. I know on very bad days I have thought of this; don’t know what always stops me. Never gets beyond thought stage. I hope my kids never think about this. D was sobbing over the phone today about boy problems and when I asked if she thought about hurting herself she snapped out of it and said, “Oh course not”. But this is a frightening world, especially for parents.</p>
<p>Yes, let’s keep the tone high, so we can give each other the kind of support the topic warrants.</p>
<p>i could just cry over the turn this thread is taking, but for the sake of it, i’ll go away for a while. citygirlsmom…i feel so bad! this was not addressed to you! you all have been a tremendous help to me personally, and to each other and hopefully kids are reading this too! i can’t bear to have THIS thread go the way so many do on CC… debates and distortion. please, all of you, go back where you were. see you guys. please keep up all you’re doing.</p>
<p>happycollegemom: Sorry you are so frustrated on top of grief and loss. It’s wonderful to respect the privacy of all involved.</p>
<p>Please have a good night.</p>
<p>alice: I understand that we all understand things differently. I think happycollegemom is afraid of starting a thread that now violates others’ privacy. I don’t know anything about the situation so I certainly do not know this is happening, but hcm is upset so let’s help her. She is dealing with sadness and a sense of responsibility toward the family.</p>
<p>i hope this thread can get back on track.</p>
<p>welcome to my world hcm, ah well…most of us passionate types have been slapped on the wrist at least once </p>
<p>back to topic:</p>
<p>when a young person takes their life, it is so hard for the community to find that balance of remembering the student and not “glamorizing” (can’t think of another word) the situation</p>
<p>at my Ds school, there was a small rememberance in the year book, and something similar at graduation</p>
<p>and now, a few years later, the parents have started a support group type program in their Ds honor, and to help other kids</p>
<p>I felt it was all well handled- respectfully, carefully and warmly</p>
<p>WHAT…ME…PASSIONATE! haha 
thanks, citygirlsmom! i wonder if our school will be doing anything like that. i hope so…it’s the other kids out there who now need the focus. after all this, i’m learning of so many in trouble, and for some, too late. thanks, again!</p>
<p>Kudos to HCM for starting this thread. Teenage suicide is a nation-wide problem and is the third-leading cause of death for young people between the ages of 15 and 24 years, with a ratio of 5:1 (male:female). The primary reasons teenagers attempt/commit suicide is because of disappointment, rejection, failure, or loss such as breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend, failing a big exam, or witnessing family turmoil. If a teenager has a mental or substance-related disorder, they often have difficulty coping with these events. They are unable to see that their life can turn around, unable to recognize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
My niece attempted suicide at age 17 because she thought she failed a test. Her parents had no clue of the pressure they were putting on her and were shocked that she was depressed. Another example of major disconnection between parents and children. As HCM stated, we must stay connected with our children and remember that a child’s failing grade is not the end of the world and that we should be teaching our children coping skills when disappointment happens because in the long run that is what is going to get them through life, not a “A” on a test that will have no bearing on them in their future.</p>
<p>My next door neighbor where I grew up committed suicide at 19 because (according to the note) her parents wouldn’t let her go spend a week at her boyfriend’s house oos during the summer vacation from college. Apparently he dumped her when she told him she wasn’t allowed to see him “that way” and took up with another girl. She thought she’d never find another boyfriend, so she took an overdose of sleeping pills and her dorm roomate found her dead in the bed the next morning.</p>
<p>Because of a more recent suicide attempt of an acquaintance’s D, I did some research on google and found that often teen suicide results from depression that is so deep the teen affected cannot see things rationally, and what is really a trivial problem (to a healthy mind) appears insurmountable to the teen.</p>
<p>As a warning to all who read this thread, the recent suicide attempt was a girl who swallowed a whole jar of Tylenol. Found out on google that Tylenol is the current fad for suicide, at least with teen girls who seem more likely to use pills rather than a noose or a gun. Surviving the Tylenol attempt is still dangerous as it can leave the person with all kinds of organ damage if not treated correctly and immediately.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>It’s actually not clear that suicide has “reasons” that make much sense. The research on suicide suggests that within a given national population, persons with higher numbers of stressful events (which can be something as auspicious as graduating from college, as rated on personal stress scales) in their recent past tend to have higher suicide risk than persons who encountered fewer stressful events, but it’s very hard to establish a cause-effect relationship between life events and suicide attempts. When comparing whole national societies, it is often people in the poorest, most war-torn, wretched countries that actually have the lowest suicide risk: suicide is characteristically high in the most prosperous, equalitarian countries. </p>
<p><a href=“http://www.who.int/mental_health/prevention/suicide/suiciderates/en/[/url]”>http://www.who.int/mental_health/prevention/suicide/suiciderates/en/</a> </p>
<p>(Why should Belgium have a higher rate of suicide than Bosnia, for instance? It is surely more stressful to live in Bosnia.) </p>
<p>But, yes, parents have to be proactive with their children in fighting the all-or-nothing thinking that leads to young people thinking that any setback means they have no more reason to live. Neither a teen’s school environment nor a teen’s list of boyfriends or girlfriends is the last word on the meaning of a teen’s life. Helping teens have a broader perspective on the day-by-day stresses of life and awareness of other people’s problems is both life-preserving and good for society as a whole.</p>
<p>Someone asked earlier about the name of the family-support organization. I think you’re talking about Out of the Darkness. </p>
<p>Here’s a link: <a href=“http://www.theovernight.org/[/url]”>Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk;
<p>This thread is full of wise thoughts and supportive messages. Thanks again to HCM for starting it.</p>
<p><a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/30/health/views/30case.html[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/30/health/views/30case.html</a></p>
<p>Re causes of suicide.</p>
<p>I wonder if the higher expectations for happiness – however unrealistic – in countries where basic safety and shelter and other material needs are met could help explain why Belgium trumped Bosnia in suicide rates. </p>
<p>Where there is access to more, it is assumed that one can and should have more. And that one should be happier as a result.</p>
<p>Our sons and daughters of relative or outright affluence have been repeatedly reminded of their indulged place in history and hurried through childhood to bookmark their places as even bigger and better versions of their parents’ generation. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t want to be them. It was a lot easier coming from a background where I could do next to nothing and end up with a better outcome, both materially and otherwise, than my parents.</p>
<p>i agree on all counts, dizzymom! i also believe, and have seen that when one is truly faced with one’s own death, let alone have it as a daily threat, the mind-set of seeing suicide as a way “out” doesn’t exist, as these people realize they really DON’T want a way out, but want very much to STAY IN! take for one example, the woman who is very depressed and frequently thinks of suicide, only to be later faced with breast cancer…typically this woman will do everything medical to LIVE!
also, since i haven’t been here in a bit…thanks to connies,mercymom and harrietm for all your wonderful insights!</p>