I really like my daughter’s MIL and went out of my way to make things as comfortable as possible for her during the planning of their wedding. She had just gone through the ringer with her other son’s wedding, complete with a bridezilla and a MOB-zilla, I and felt bad at how she was treated. She was so thoughtful the whole time in asking me about dresses and wanting me to choose first. I repeatedly told her to get whatever dress in whatever color she wanted. My daughter also went out of her way to include her - especially in the wedding dress shopping, which she really appreciated, since she has no daughters.
IME, destination weddings are an expensive and logistical challenge. My daughter had one (although she argues that it wasn’t since it was a 2-hour drive from our house and not a flight). Thankfully she is a Type A and had every detail handled. It was still stressful trying to remember to bring everything we needed. Cars were packed as if we were moving! It was an expense for guests who had to fly in, rent cars and for everyone to secure lodging. Fingers crossed that my younger daughter chooses to marry in our town Older D has probably attended well over a dozen college & high school friend’s weddings in the past three years and only one was in our town.
I’ve said it a million times but I never understand why the groom/groom’s family plays second fiddle in wedding planning. I know that sometimes the bride’s family is paying or consider themselves “hosting” (a concept that is sort of foreign to me but I understand some feel strongly about this) but…IT’S A COUPLE… potentially with engaged and supportive families on both sides…why does the groom’s side become the lesser party in a wedding celebration???
^^^This has little to do with decision making. I personally think most wedding decisions should be couple driven.
In our case H and I paid 100% of wedding costs. The wedding was near our home with SIL’s parents living hours away. As we planned, we gave the kids choices that fell within our budget so they could have the wedding they wanted. We did not feel the need to get SIL’s parents involved with details (ex. didn’t want them telling us to get a DJ rather than a band, etc.) but they were always kept informed. D invited her MIL wedding dress shopping which was much appreciated. We kept excellent relationships with the in-laws throughout the process. Everyone was thrilled with the wedding. This approach worked for our family. Bottom line, every family should do what works for them.
DD#1 got married in the exotic location of Brazil INDIANA last Oct. It was a LOT more expensive than you would imagine with a few exceptions. The rehearsal dinner was very good and cheap. We invited all out of town guests (which was almost everyone!) and I think there were about 40 people. It was under $1000, including a $125 bar bill (cheap drinks in Indiana) and tip. Air fare, rental cars, hotel rooms were ALL expensive that weekend.
DD#2 just announced she’s getting married in 100 days! In Barcelona! (and I can’t read the article because I’m out of free articles). She’s only having about 35 guests. No children (so she may lose a few guests over that, but she’s okay with it), no Plus 1s (except me), no cousins or aunts and uncles. They are paying for the Villa, two meals, and have a list of events for people to do, including a soccer match in the big stadium. Most guests are from the east coast of the US and the airfare may be as cheap as if they’d gotten married in Hawaii or even Colorado in Oct (the other choice).
Part of the reason for a destination wedding is because they don’t want a traditional US wedding with 100 guests and a band and a dance party. They’ve gone to a ton of weddings and find they are mostly the same, and they just didn’t want that. They didn’t want to invite everyone (aunts and cousins and old teammates and ‘right now’ friends that may not be friends in 10 years). It’s easier to not invite any aunts or cousins than to pick a few and exclude others.
Honestly, it is what they want and it is easier for me. I’m just an invited guest (with a Plus 1). I think most guests will go for the 4 days and not make a vacation of it because they have jobs and children and even though it is in Spain, it is only a 1 day flight for them, no different than going to California or Mexico. I may add a few days (and go to Ibiza - I really want to go to Ibiza!).
All in all, I think the Indiana wedding will have cost me much more than the Spain one will.
The more confusing part than the destination is that it is black tie. Except tuxes and ties not required. Just black dresses (long or short, so you know mine will be short) and black suits (but no tie). Kids these days. That is not black tie, that is cocktail party attire that is black. But I just smile and nod and tell her whatever she wants is fine.
Oh, and 100 days doesn’t allow for bachelor/bachelorette parties (which they don’t want), custom dresses (which she doesn’t want), save the date cards, showers, fittings or anything really. This is my child who doesn’t want the spotlight on her.
This was us, but we’re the Groom’s parents, DIL parents paid 100% of the wedding. I didn’t feel it was my right to question or add my input. I was asked to go dress shopping and invited for the reception dinner tasting. The kids kept me abreast of what they were doing.
However, we gave them quite a bit of money to do with as they wished, in our minds it should cover a nice rehearsal dinner, honeymoon and help offset some of her parents cost. We often wonder if any of it made it to them or not.
This is sort of what I meant in my post this morning.
Of course you were courteous of the bride and her family and the fact that they were paying and making most decisions. That is sort of what we are told/trained/have manners to do. But it doesn’t mean that deep down the groom’s parents might feel differently - that they’d like to have a little more involvement - involvement doesn’t have to mean making decisions but sort of not being “the last to know” about details or waiting to get the go-ahead to look for a dress or whatever.
I may be the outlier but I just feel a couple is getting married and a couple (often) has two sets of parent(s)!!! I would not want to feel like a guest at my own child’s wedding!
I’m the MOB and paying for the wedding and I think I’ll really be a guest too. The B & G are really the ones driving this and making all the decisions, within the budget we gave them. We have veto power, but so do G’s parents. We don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable.
My husband and I were the florists, the cake delivery, and the decoration crew at the little kid’s wedding. In addition to the check writers . It was fun, but I would have been fine with being a guest because it was a lot of WORK!!
Heck, even buying all the beverages and then returning the unused booze to Costco was a lot of work! My sis was a saint and hosted the day after brunch and we didn’t have to do a thing but show up. That was nice! She wouldn’t let S reimburse her either! I was fine and happy to do whatever the couple wanted.
I believe @conmama meant the DIL parents that paid 100% of the wedding - if the couple did indicate the funds they received from groom’s parents to help offset some of her parents’ costs.
Yes, that is what I meant about Son and DIL paying. We know the rehearsal dinner cost a lot, but there was enough left to give the bride’s parents enough to cover our guests dinners. I just don’t think it made it to them, and since the gift came with no strings attached, I didn’t want to ask. I did say I wanted it to go towards any wedding/marriage expense, not to pay bills. I think they used part of it to upgrade her wedding band. Again, not going to ask. I just didn’t want her parents to think we were cheapskates.
I very much did feel like a guest, an honored one. I just don’t think you can’t have that feeling if you are not the hosts or paid for it.
The only good thing is, besides the rehearsal dinner which we decorated and hosted, I felt no pressure that day whatsoever. It was fun just being included in all the preparations, but having no responsibility. You just can’t have it both ways, I think.
Older D has probably attended well over a dozen college & high school friend’s weddings in the past three years and only one was in our town.
. It was fun, but I would have been fine with being a guest because it was a lot of WORK!!