Yes, my friends know D doesn’t want people to feel obligated to bring gifts.
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The ‘head table’ down the middle of the room, and groom’s guests on one side and bride’s guests on the other had things very segregated. Niece and her husband had this. One daughter was a bridesmaid and had fun with the bridal party; we saw enough of her before and after the dinner.
Our own wedding 45 years ago had a head table that faced the rest of the room, and we got to eat first (buffet). Since people lined up near the head table towards the buffet, we got to talk to people at that time, but DH and I also went around the room to talk to everyone.
DD and her groom ate in another room. Their bridal party sat at tables they wanted. Many tables said ‘reserved’ for the older folks - a lot of younger people were told to take the set-up chairs and also eat at the small cocktail tables because the room could not accommodate full seating at the larger tables. I was at the back of the buffet to make sure the older people all found seats. DH and I only had a very short list of friends to invite and made sure all got seated at tables after going through the buffet lines. The wedding was 100 miles away from hometown, and more distant for groom’s family and friends. They had the traditional cake cutting and then dancing/drinks, and they circulated the room. They had a live jazz band (22 person) - which also limited some table space; the band/vocalist was terrific for music - but we had a hard time keeping the sound not too loud – the room had sound issues even with the mikes at lowest setting. We were the largest wedding party at the hotel (there were 3 there), and it all worked out beautifully.
I’m no expert, but the first thing I would do is drop the word “shower” since it’s very hard to get away from the idea of showering gifts with that word. Eliminating the concept of a shower takes it a step away from the wedding and makes it easier to include non-wedding guests. My brother threw some kind of event for locals when his son and fiancée came back home for a weekend. Not sure what they called it, and not sure how many were invited to the wedding itself, which was destination for everyone. If the wedding and friends are all local, it does get trickier.
It sounds like your friends just want to celebrate your D, so maybe call it a Bridal Celebration Tea/Brunch/Luncheon/Reception. The invitations could ask for guests to bring a favorite memory or recipe, and include a card etc. for that purpose. Or ask for something simple, like a memorable tea towel, for example. “Bridal Celebration Tea, please bring a fun tea towel.”
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How about Engagement Party ?
Acoording to Wikipedia,
An engagement party , also known as a betrothal party or fort , is a party held to celebrate a couple’s recent engagement and to help future wedding guests to get to know one another. Traditionally, the bride’s parents host the engagement party, but many modern couples host their own celebration.
At any rate, not something to be hosted by friends of the bride’s mother.
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At least S/FDiL have already said no shower, no party, no registry, so we won’t be navigating that stuff!
I go for my dress fitting next week – I have never done this so I am somewhere between excited and apprehensive.
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How about just calling it a party or open house to get to know the happy couple?!?! It could be a potluck, desert & coffee/tea, whatever. That way folks can be more casual and have no expectations about gifts or wedding invitations.
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My daughter got married last year and a friend of mine wanted to do a shower but daughter didn’t have time to come to town. Friend said “oh, that’s okay, we could just do a lunch here and you can take her the gifts!” Not only were these friends not being invited to the wedding, the bride wasn’t even going to be invited to the shower! (No, we didn’t do that) A few of my friends did send gifts even though they weren’t invited to the wedding.
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Well if your daughter had never met the other bridesmaids it sounds like at least she didn’t have to endure a bachelorette weekend with them like my younger daughter did. And she had to plan the whole thing!
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From a Facebook group for Brooklyn/NYC therapists:
I am starting a new group for people who are engaged and in the wedding planning process. This is more of a trial run to see if people would be interested in committing to something more long-term. However, this series would be 6 weeks long, and ideally would have 4-6 people. That way we can build a small community of support. Below is the flyer and a small blurb to send to clients, people, etc. who might find this helpful!
Are you feeling the stress and anxiety that comes along with wedding planning? Struggling with managing expectations and navigating boundaries with friends and family? Wondering about everything that comes after “I Do”? If you are looking for a community of people who are feeling similarly to you, Engaged and Empowered may be the answer! This group is a 6 week run of people who are also navigating the ups and downs of wedding planning.
I never married and by daughter and son-in-law did their own planning. Do you think this is a good idea?
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Sounds like just one more thing to add to the “to do “ list! And potentially another expense!
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Catholics already are supposed to attend counseling &/or a retreat. My DIL & S seemed fine. H & I were fine.
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It sounds as if it could be good for a couple that has one or more people in their lives with boundary issues. Otherwise I agree that it sounds like 1 more thing to add to their already overloaded list.
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This doesn’t sound like marriage counseling though, it sounds like coaching for event planning. I feel more and more old fashioned every day — weddings seem more and more like entertainment spectacles and less like two people making a commitment with their people as witnesses.
We were required to have marriage counseling prior. S/DiL were also but our pastor said they didn’t need but one session. S/FDiL aren’t getting married in a church.
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That’s exactly how I felt, really, really old!
Wedding planning is inherently stressful, and if it works to talk about that and how it makes you feel, then by all means do that.
In the old days, I tried to appease all the parties, so that the wedding was about what was good for my parents and my husband’s parents. Some about what we wanted but more about pleasing.
Now, couples get married later and want to make the wedding theirs. I know both of my kids had their ideas of their wedding. They weren’t as interested in pleasing and making their weddings about what the parents wanted.
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Yup—my kids were willing to let us invite a very few people that they approved and that was all. They wanted very little approval but were happy with any polite noises we made. We were fine with them in charge.
For our wedding, my dad chose the venue for the reception and type of food (Chinese). He and we and in laws came to fabulous tasting dinner where chef made all the 7 courses we planned to have. It was great. H was in his 40s, but still happy with whatever everyone wanted. We did silently refuse to send invitations to relatives in China as we didn’t want to be sponsors of them to come to US and potential financial entanglement.
I was fine with having the venue dad wanted as well as the menu. We were all very happy even tho I didn’t know many of the folks dad insisted on inviting (or the folks in-laws invited). H and i invited the people we wanted.
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My SiL comes from immigrant parents who were quite clear that the wedding was a party they and we (splitting costs 70/30 they paying more ) were having in the kids honor. The kids wishes were strongly considered but they had no control over our guests. SiL had no issue with this and my daughter who might have wanted more control went along with him which certainly worked to my advantage. But other than my guests, I didn’t make many demands. For the most part daughter was very happy with his parents wishes for some crazy expensive but fun things his parents insisted on (16 piece band , plus DJ, plus string quartet….top shelf alcohol……live wedding painter….gorgeous outdoor tented venue).
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My folks paid for the guests they invited, my in laws paid for their guests & we paid for everything else. It worked fine.
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S/DiL we paid for everything related to /at the reception, the rehearsal meal, some other stuff; they paid for photographer, cake , dress and flowers.
S/FDiL we are covering an airbnb rental and the rehearsal picnic ; they are covering everything else (bride has a bequest from late gparents specifically for a wedding)
My own wedding, my parents paid for just about everything. My inlaws said they would pay for flowers but never did; we were newly graduated from college and had zero money – but we should have helped more. At least we stayed in budget!
We’ve had zero input on the guest list, as it should be.
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Yay! We got the bridesmaid dress back from dressmaker. They hemmed the chiffon gown perfectly so it shouldn’t be a trip hazard for D or anyone else. It also shouldn’t touch the ground and get ugly.
It was $60, which seemed OK to us, especially as the dress seller will pay a portion of it as alterations.
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