Oh my gosh - future MIL has a big guest list w/o even knowing what kind of wedding the couple wants.
Hopefully the couple can decide to have the happy event that is important to them.
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I also have a (semi-educated) guess of $100,000+
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My D was married last May at a venue 30 miles east of San Diego which was a place where you basically have to bring everything in. I believe they had just over 100 people and the total was around $45K.
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You really need to have a sit down with the couple and see what they can afford, add what parents are willing to contribute (if anything) and then STICK to the budget. It is very very easy in the age of Etsy and Pinterest to go from âflowers arenât essential to usâ to âI need live floral runners on every tableâ. I also think it is helpful before planning actually begins to have the couple prioritize the major costs. S2 and DiL are foodies, but didnât care a bit about flowers so those were purchased at a grocery store and she carried a single flower. But the food was chosen meticulously. S1 and FDiL donât care at all about the food, as long as it is good â so they chose the most popular items from the caterer without more than a half hour thought. But they looked for a DJ for months and months to find one they found acceptable.
Biggests costs are venue, food, flowers, music. Lots of guests and lots of wedding party add up quickly, so the budget decides the invite list. People absolutely understand âwe had only XX dollars so Great Aunt Hildy wasnât invitedâ.
For the record, in neither wedding were parents asked for a guest list, and we were fine with that. Itâs my kidsâ wedding, with their signficant people. I can show my friends pictures after the fact.
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Establishing a budget is a must before the planning begins. Itâs what should guide the plans. Dâs splurge was the photographer they chose. He was expensive compared to others in the area, but that was a choice D made - it left less room in her budget for flowers, but she found someone who was able to provide the flowers she wanted at the price she was willing to pay.
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I set a budget for D2, but at the end I did get suckered into âpaying a little bit moreâ to add another entree, upgrade the wines (that I preferred) and more flowers. D2 did it in three separate times, I think to make it seem less costly.
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My oldest asked us if there as anyone we wished to invite. Besides relatives that is. I asked if 6 people could be invited. For them, the wedding list was bigger than a micro wedding but less than the venue size they picked. This was before the pandemic and adding people seemed more doable.
The other kid did not ask for any input. I had some quibbles but wisely kept them to myself.
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My D and SIL are not what I would call foodies, but they wanted good food that was not rubber chicken. In the end they did a buffet which turned out to be very nice and we had many compliments on how good the food was.
They had an arch which they were married under that was decorated in flowers which were set up after the ceremony on and in front of the sweetheart table. The tables at the reception were lovely dark wood farmhouse long tables so we didnât need tablecloths. They were decorated with greenery and sunflowers for a pop of color and votives with electric candles. The tables were rustic/elegant.
D and SIL really wanted a great photographer and DJ. They did a lot of searching and the ones they found were perfect. Since everything had to be brought into the venue we paid for a wedding coordinator that took over 2 weeks before the date to make sure all ran smoothly. The coordinator and assistant were at the wedding for 13 hours and did an amazing job.
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This is why my daughter got married in Spain 3 weeks ago - she didnât want to feel obligated to invite everyone on her husbandâs side (and everyone was 8 uncles and aunts, cousins sheâd never met, family friends; our family is much smaller). She made the decision to invite only parents and siblings, and some long term friends. Her MIL was not happy. Her husbandâs brother was invited but not his fairly new (Nov?) girlfriend so he didnât come. No Plus 1s. No one daughter hasnât known for a long time.
She rented a villa for 3 days, had 2 meals catered and the rest was just everyone pitching in making breakfasts, going to town for dinners, etc. In all there were 25 people there, including the bride and groom. Really the only problem was that taxis didnât want to drive to this place, and we only had 3 cars - very small cars. We made it work and she got the wedding she really wanted.
Iâve offered to host a local party, and Iâm sure the groomâs parents would do that on the east coast too, but B&G arenât interested. She doesnât have a registry as 1) sheâs a minimalist and doesnât want âjunkâ (even nice junk) and 2) feels weird about asking for gifts.
I donât know how much it all cost. Iâd guess about $20k.
Places where she saved money? Invitations and announcements, which were mostly by email, welcome gifts (wine bottles in the rooms, which then were shared throughout the weekend, activities which were suggested but we paid if we went (soccer game, vineyard tour, Sagrada Familia tour) and just keeping up her minimalist lifestyle. She didnât have bridesmaids, her sister was the officiant (they werenât legally married in Spain but will file the paperwork in Colorado), flowers (which were lovely but minimal).
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It was interesting to witness the give and take D and her now-H had while planning their wedding (the initial planning - choosing the style - he wasnât interested in details). D leaned towards exposed brick walls and a hip vibe. After visiting a venue she really liked, SIL realized that he wanted something more elegant. They worked together to find the perfect place that made them both happy (an art deco venue in an urban setting). They knew that they would get married in a church, but that was a bit of a dance due to his familyâs religion. They handled his momâs desire for a Catholic wedding very well, finding out what would have been required and explaining to his mom why that would not work for them. Seeing them work together to make sure that they both were on the same page and dealing head-on with issues was great. Their wedding included a couple details that were familiar for the Catholic side, and they included things in their reception that were culturally important for his family.
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I totally agree! That is my and Hâs take on it as well. It is their wedding, not ours so we are not inserting ourselves into their process at all, just providing support and offering our thoughts when asked.
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Bridal shower in groomâs state was this weekend. Very nice little gathering. DDs and I flew down Friday night and returned Sunday noon in time to get to nieceâs shower! DDâs shower in our hometown is at the end of the month.
Tonight I started the zinnia seeds weâre going to try to put out in our pasture for the photos they want to take out there. If it works, great, if not, it will still be scenic. If it rains, those pics wonât happen at all.
Costs arenât outrageous here but it still adds up (small town Midwest, 175ish people). Some of the bigger costs are: reception venue $2500, dress + alterations $3000, flowers $1000, catering $4000, photographer $3000.
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When you do your planning, make sure you know whatâs included. Some venues include tips in their initial estimates, and others tack on a 20% surprise later
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I agree that each bride and groom will have their priority list. For my D & SIL the first priority was the location they wanted to get married in, the second was the band - they wanted a specific band, and great bands are not cheap. We wrote them a check for a set amount. They could spend it as they please and any amounts over were their responsibility.
Things they didnât care about: flowers & wedding cake. Florists can be insanely expensive. The quotes my daughter was getting were through the roof (she was married in an outdoor venue and the florists seem to want to go wild with draping flowers everywhere). I was able to find a more modest florist who was willing to scale back and give my daughter exactly what she wanted for a reasonable price. They donât care about the cake, so they got a small, tiered cake to cut and several dozen cupcakes from Publix for less than $300 (the florist threw some greenery on the tiered cake). Publix will do a cake tasting and will also deliver. Best money-saving hack ever!
All-in for 175 people, I believe the wedding came in at around $50-60k. D & SIL paid for the overages and also paid for the welcome party. If you have an outdoor wedding, you may also have to pay for things like a dance floor, heaters, a stage for the band and mobile restrooms (the venue had a permanent tent, which was included in their price). Iâm not a fan of outdoor weddings (too much uncertainty with weather). Dâs went fine, despite every type of weather in a single day, but Iâve already instructed my younger D that hers will have to be indoors.
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I think it would be helpful to know what year the weddings were and area of the country.
If giving a general idea of cost.
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Is future MIL going to financially contribute to the reception? Is the guest list going to be 1/3 hers, 1/3 yours and 1/3 the couples? Or maybe each party pays for their guests?
My D is still planning her wedding, and their first focus was on the guest list. They each made out their own list, and gave a priority rank for each person listed. So they were ranked 1, us parents 2, etc. Us parents could tell the kids who we wanted to be invited, but the kids assigned them a rank. Itâs still undecided how many people they will invite. It will depend on the size of the venue and cost. But this did give them a range to work with.
When I got married, it would have been socially awkward for my MIL if 4 certain people werenât invited. But those people werenât involved in our lives, so they meant nothing to us. We had the physical room, so we ended up telling my MIL that we would invite them if she paid for them, and that ended up being a very happy resolution for us.
Another resolution for many couples would be for the MIL to throw her own party for the couple when they get back from their honeymoon, and MIL can invite her important friends to that. That could actually be a lovely, more intimate gathering and would still be joyful.
Since we are in the thick of it, I thought Iâd pass along that if you are thinking that you could save some money by doing an outdoor wedding and getting a tent and catering, thatâs not the case. Itâs pretty shocking how expensive tent rentals, table/chairs/linens/silverware/china/crystal costs. And you canât forget the nice bathroom trailer. I looked at this last year, so I canât really remember what the breakdown was, except that the total all-in (food, drink, music etc) for 200 people was going to be about $100k, and that was with the middle of the road choices. This was in New England.
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I think we all have a list of must-haves when we start this process. My must-have is avoiding guests driving after the reception. So I told my D either the reception has to be at a hotel, or in an area with a lot of Ubers or you can easily walk to a hotel, or the budget has to include the cost of a bus between the reception and hotel.
Iâm curious what must-haves you all had, and whether it worked out.
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Our kids were all grown and flown by the time they got married. Their weddings were THEIR parties. We contributed $$, but it was an unconditional gift not attached to any strings. We did invite a couple of our BFFs who knew these kids from the times Th they were in diapers but that was it.
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The thing to keep in mind with buses is that you have absolutely no idea who will use them and whether it is worth the $$. We have now been to two weddings where there was transportation post-reception, but many of the guests had already left and many more werenât interested. So yes, walkable probably is more effective if thatâs a concern.
For the record, S2âs wedding had no alcohol other than wine for the toast (and only that because they had a friend who is a vintner). It was out of budget, the bride and groom donât/couldnât drink, so they just said it wasnât a priority. Falls into my category of âyou donât have to have this if you donât want toâ no matter what prevailing opinion may be.
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Our âsolutionâ was both sets of parents agreed to write a check for X. The kids then budgeted their wedding based on the expected checks. This set the number of guests that were within budget, which were allocated evenly between the 2 sets of parents after the kids came up with their list. For example, each set of parents got â20â free guests which they could invite. However, the venue could accommodate more guests, so the parents could invite additional guests based on a per âplateâ cost. That way the parents could have a more expansive list if they paid for it. It took stress of the kids.
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