10 years later, my mother is still complaining about my son’s wedding weekend. The kids wanted, and had, a welcome party for all wedding guest. This was held at 8:00pm and we served desserts, cheese/crackers and veggies & fruit w/dips, along with wine and beer. Prior to the welcome party, we had a seated dinner in the same venue for the wedding party, parents, grandparents and siblings. This was a very nice affair, with plenty of food and drinks for all, and wasn’t cheap by any standards.
Mom thought it was awful that my aunts and uncles, and other family members were not fed dinner that night. She felt they traveled to New Orleans for the wedding and should have been given a sit down dinner. All out of town guest were aware of the weekend’s schedule, and their website gave a nice list of restaurants in the area of the welcome party, as well as a list of their favorite place. A reminder was also given to make a dinner reservation as some place fill up on the weekends. This was New Orleans; there was no lack of restaurants! Everyone I talked to later had no problems finding a place to eat, and enjoyed going out and eating what they wanted.
Guests can think whatever they want. Vocalizing is unacceptably rude. Mom should be grateful to be invited at all. End of story. I can’t fathom why everyone doesn’t understand that the bridal couple gets to do whatever they want, and your opinion doesn’t matter one whit. Don’t like something, don’t attend. Don’t like something after you get there, so what. Keep it to yourself; it’s not about you. Yes, I’m cranky about this one because I married into one of these narcissistic families. Unfortunately for them, I shut down their every rude behavior immediately and to their faces. It always amazes me how unarmed they are for that fight.
Is that part of her personality, is it a cultural thing, is it elevating the importance of her generation and how they should be treated going to a family wedding that involves travel?
Was she willing/able to add the cost of these family members and write a check for what normally is considered a rehearsal dinner (wedding party and parents typically)?
We had a very nice but low cost catered Mexican dinner buffet - due to daughter’s connection, did not have to pay for the rental space (it had a catering kitchen and plenty of seating for all). The caterer was family run/daughter knew. So all out of town guests were invited and included, and a table of clergy too - some who were around at dinner time and no connection with the wedding (some were seminarians) - and happy to host them.
My generation was used to the concept of a “rehearsal dinner” the evening before the wedding, for not only the wedding party but yes, out of town relatives and close friends. Husband’s parents hosted that at our wedding, but to be fair, half of the 85 wedding guests came from his side, family and friends of his parents. I had very few relatives there. We had a number of our friends who were local plus some people from my office, so they didn’t need to be fed.
So I can see the mother being disappointed at the time, but had to just accept it and let it go.
When my nephew got married two years ago, they paid for it themselves and planned a destination wedding to keep her mother out of the planning. Most of their friends and her relatives were a three hour drive or train ride; just about everyone who had to fly were from nephew’s side.
Brother wanted to do a traditional rehearsal dinner for out of town relatives and close friends but (1) everyone was technically from out of town and (2) bride did not want a big event since she thought it might compete with the wedding itself . So brother threw a “hearty hors d’ouvres” reception at the hotel where many were staying, where the bridal couple dropped by for a few minutes. Then the bridal party and immediate relatives went elsewhere for a small rehearsal dinner.
When I heard these plans, I made later dinner reservations for husband, son, and myself at a great local restaurant, which was way better than the reception.
You are absolutely right that you can’t control whether the buses actually get used or not. My hope was that my daughter and her fiancé could convince all of their friends to take the bus, and then I have other people in my family and in the grooms family talk to their guests who might drink.
You are right that I would feel more comfortable if the reception were at a hotel or in a town where it’s walking distance to hotels. But, I didn’t wanna limit the kids options too much.
There were busses at D1 and SIL’s wedding last year which were used by everyone that stayed in the hotel that was about 10 miles from the wedding venue. The busses worked out great and no one was worried about anyone driving after the reception.
I think there’s a need to balance bridal couple do whatever they want regardless, and common courtesy extended to guests as appreciation for their presence. I am not a fan of (for example) the trend of telling guests what they can wear so the photos are IG perfect. Not a fan of people with known allergies , or vegan/vegetarian people being told to eat before they arrive (Yes, that has happened to us more than once).
But guest list, rehearsal arrangements? At some point, people have to draw lines and everyone should extend grace. Both sides of the wedding need todo that, and not spoil the day. My grandmother was incensed that my bouquet was not entirely white, my Mom was gonna take a beating on that soI just changed it, I didn’t care that much. I think back in the day, weddings had Rules, and violating them came at a high cost. Thankfully no more!!
My nephew’s wedding last year was at least that, and probably more (not middle of the road choices). Her parents paid, and actually paid a lot more than that as her 3 sisters were in the wedding party and needed hotel rooms ($400 each per night), dresses, extra photos, etc. The wedding was in the backyard of an aunt and uncle and it was lovely, but expensive. I think the tent was $20k. There was a photographer for 12 hours. The flowers were gorgeous.
My sister paid a set amount for the rehearsal dinner (for 40 people as the wedding party had 17 people and they all have partners) and told her son that if he wanted to invite more people he would have to pay (they couple did invite out of town guests to an after party at the same place as the rehearsal dinner and I’m sure it cost them a few thousand more.
This is how bride’s father wants to spend his money. Next summer is daughter number 4 getting married and it will be huge, at a resort, and will probably cost twice as much.
Yes, but isn’t it shocking how much was spent on a backyard wedding! I had thought there would be lots of savings doing it that way, but not so if you get the big tent and caterer.
IIRC you even have a picture of you in the dresses. That is just weird to me, especially for that time period. Now people seem to do much crazier stuff…
S/DIL wanted & had wedding & reception at the same place instead of having people have to get from one place to another. That was helpful. He also had emcee give an announcement for folks to get cars out of parking garage so they wouldn’t be trapped (it locks @10pm).
We listed all categories of expenses and estimates when wedding planning. When discussing bus - fiancés/now sons-in-law independently said it was so important to them they would take it out of the pooled money/ pooled items and pay the bus costs themselves. Transportation was not needed between the weddings and receptions. They both (different parts of country) said they wanted to make sure their friends had safe rides (and it was the social norm) We suggested multiple ride-shares but they said they would rather pay for a bus. Costs were shared in different ways between parents and bridal couples for the different weddings.
Have done weddings country club, backyard, dedicated wedding venue. Yes the backyard one was most expensive. Catered food brought in, tent, dance floor plus every chair, fork, plate, tablecloth =expensive. Bar more expensive due to needing extra to make sure everyone had his/her preference.
Important to all of us that although the couples had their preferences, they were hosting guests and thoughtfulness for guests’ comfort, food, arrangements were also considerations at every stage of the planning and during the events. Also even extra considerations for bridal party members and covering of some of their individual expenses. There did not seem to be any lack of the couples getting their wishes, but extra things were added for guest comfort/appreciation.
Oh I agree, especially if everyone is in agreement on who is paying. My sister is a very strong business and made it clear what she could/would pay. I think the ones who compromised were the B&G who originally wanted a smaller wedding but ended up with 175 people (about 75 more than they originally wanted. I don’t think they were upset about it because then they invited a lot more of their friends, cousins, and, well, ME.
They let her mother control a lot more of the things they didn’t really care about - a cake, a band and a DJ, some decorations. They didn’t care, she did, so they let her do it and pay for it. B&G cared about the food and wine.
We were at a backyard wedding of a close friend’s daughter - the backyard was of his parents. The back yard abuts a natural preserve, so it is a pretty back yard. They had spent a lot on a back porch addition and on the lawn in preparation for their sons getting married and then for them to enjoy. IDK if the oldest son was married there or elsewhere, but another son’s wedding was within a short time, and it is ‘available’ once the younger two perhaps get married. Guests went directly to the back yard. They had parking fairly close by and other sons did people shuttling, but it was not a long walk. There was a white arbor (IDK if it was rented). The lawn was very lush. Rented white chairs. The modest country club was down the street, and there was a tent that was a seasonal fixture which is where the dinner and dancing was. Things that were important to the couple were kept in the budget. Fortunately, the weather cooperated for the outdoor wedding.
My niece had her wedding and reception at a golf course which had bar and dining inside, but the wedding tent and patio area also as a seasonal fixture. The wedding itself was outdoors but could have been under tent area if there was rain (it was a great weather day). They went way overboard on flowers IMHO. Only child. Instead of using a fabulous bakery to get a wedding cake, she had a modest cake and cupcakes (the place might have charged a ‘plating fee’). IDK if it was her wishes/groom or how much with her mother. His parents were from another city.
Both wedding were over 100 people, probably more like 150 - 175.
My daughter and her fiancé aren’t having a wedding cake–they are having a desert table. According to their wedding planner, more couples now are nixing a tiered wedding cake in favor of other options. Also, this desert table is more expensive than a traditional tiered cake.
. So brother threw a “hearty hors d’ouvres” reception at the hotel where many were staying, where the bridal couple dropped by for a few minutes. Then the bridal party and immediate relatives went elsewhere for a small rehearsal dinner.