I put the ohhhh emoji because this just wouldn’t fly. My D would understand because she’s lived with him. But to anyone else he comes across as charming and reasonable. I’d be the one to come across as unreasonable and a bit of a lunatic. Best to just stay away as much as possible.
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I hope I didn’t offend you by my post. I feel for you and well, feel other things for him - as a man or just as a human - to treat someone as he has you!
I hope the majority of the wedding planning and festivities will bring you joy!
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No offense taken! And thank you for the support. I think the whole situation is very complicated.
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If you can only pay $x, don’t agree to pay $$$XXX. Better to disappoint your Daughter now than live in regret (and perhaps poverty). Things get out of control quickly with weddings. There is no reason divorced people should have their finances combined or that he should even know what you are paying. Don’t agree to pay half of $X, agree to a certain dollar amount. If your ex wants to pay more than that, that’s up to him. Why is he agreeing to pay half of a total only if YOU pay half?
I told my daughter what I’d pay and that was it. Groom’s mother donated the location (she owns a venue) and I don’t know if there was anything more OOP. His father (parents are divorced and DO NOT SPEAK, even ‘hello’) His father contributed nothing, but has had a lot of medical issues so maybe he couldn’t. Our contributions weren’t based on what others were paying but what we each agreed to contribute.
Second daughter got married and I gave her a similar amount. Her wedding probably cost 10x as much but it was what she wanted so she paid for it. His parents gave them money but I have no idea how much and it was likely 2x as much as I gave. Not my business.
In both cases, against tradition, I paid for the rehearsal dinner and not the grooms’ families.
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I believe in buffers! I’m remarried, and my D & H have already had several conversations about what H’s true gift is to D….being the buffer and my H being prepared to swallow things during the day to ensure a calm happy day. My H has a good personality to do this. Unfortunately my H isn’t able to come to next week’s dinner because he’s stuck at a business meeting across the country, and due to our kids’ obligations, they can’t reschedule unless they push it back to October and they don’t want to do that.
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Good point. I should have ignored the 1/2 and just said what I was comfortable paying. I feel like it would be unfair to go back now, but if anything else is proposed I won’t get sucked into that again.
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Glad you shared more of the story, before and after, with your life and some with your DD’s life.
I also figured ‘direct confrontation’ would not work even before you posted more. Glad you and your daughter both have had therapy to work through issues and have mental health and emotional strength to push through challenging situations.
On reading some good feedback on a therapist column (Lori Gottlieb) - I purchased her 2019 book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” a therapist, her therapist, and our lives revealed. I purchased the hardcover book on resale Amazon at a decent price but haven’t had time to read.
One of the endorsements for this book - I was intrigued and also purchased this book by Susan Cain “Quiet: The Power of Introverts ins a World That Can’t Stop Talking” - it seems 1/3 of people are introverts, and she has research and also describes some very successful people with introvert traits. I believe a worthy read for anyone who wants to learn about dealing with being an introvert (or how to identify and better relate to an introvert). I am not a therapist, but learn a lot from people that are.
I think you handled both weddings in a terrific manner, and hope your DDs were very happy with their wedding festivities and have happy lives now.
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@melvin123 I telling this story for your benefit
The parents of the groom for one of our children’s wedding was an absolute nightmare to deal with.
It was the father who was the problem but the mother enabled the behavior.
Issues included offering to pay for things that they didn’t uphold. Expected special treatment such as their names being larger on the invitation.
He insulted our family members. They refused to pose in pictures with us. He berated vendors.
They took over the reception in such a way to draw attention to themselves. And away from the wedding couple.
You know what? We and our entire family figured him out right away. We weren’t fooled for a minute.
The best part is that they live far away from us and we don’t have to deal with them. I feel very detached from the entire situation. I have no feelings because they aren’t worth it.
I feel bad for my kid that this is what they married into but the parents burned some bridges on their way to assert themselves.
I hope you feel less alone today. I’m so sorry your husband isn’t going to be able to be there when you have to interact with your ex.
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My husband would say: We will be DIL’s inlaws for the rest of our lives, and need to think about AFTER the wedding more than BEFORE. That really helped me through the moments when I wanted to scream.
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Wow, that sounds terrible! I’m so sorry that your child has to deal with him as an in-law!
I’m happy to say that I don’t think there will be any issues like this for my D’s wedding. I expect him to charm people, and people to think he’s a great guy, which will actually be a good thing for my D.
I think that you’re absolutely right that, with time, people who are closely involved (like my soon to be in-laws) will know the score. It just bothers me that people may be thinking that I’m the problem because I don’t want to be near him. You hear people say all the time that you should just be the bigger person and deal with it for your child’s sake. Of course maybe I’m just excusing myself, but I do think there’s a point when it’s not reasonable to expect someone to suck it up, and they can be excused from attending things. Part of the problem with that, though, is that it’s the bullied person who feels the need to remove themselves for their own peace, who then misses out on gatherings. Seems like a double whammy in some ways.
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Melvin123,
When planning weddings for ours, my friend suggested to “enjoy the process with daughter bride/son groom”. I was able to do this with all but one (very difficult other family), and have good memories of the planning. This meal seems it would not fit the enjoy remark at all.
To me, listening to what you are saying, this would mean an only brief appearance at the venue and not going to the meal. There just seems to be too much chance for stress before, during, and after this meal that could result awkwardness or worse. From what I know, I would say a simple no, thank you, or I don’t want to do this, thank you, and put my time and energy into other things related to the wedding. (Planning meal, bridesmaid lunch, bride dress shopping, flower meeting, dinner with bride and groom and a couple others another time). I think others will understand.
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I would put the kids in between, they are adults now. They could plan wedding planning events with separate divorced parents. They don’t have to both go for food tasting, cake selection, wedding dress selection, etc. When D2’s now in laws came into town, they would have brunch with her dad and dinner with me. It’s a lot easier and less tense for everyone. There was no reason to impose our family stress on other people. We only had one intimate “family dinner” with my ex, grooms parents and our kids the night before the welcome party. We were all adults and were very pleasant.
Family events are always tricky after divorce. I now have grandchildren’s birthdays, ballet recitals, holidays, etc. I think we have it mostly worked out now, but it can still be stressful sometimes.
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Thank you for the further thoughts. I’m kind of all over the board with what I’ll do, but all of your advice, kind words, and support has been really helpful. Thank you.
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Am I correct in saying couples don’t typically throw an engagement party for themselves, and doing so kind of seems like a gift grab?
Please tell me I’m wrong if it’s a normal thing to do.
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Honestly, anything goes these days. Personally, I don’t have an issue with it.
If you feel it is a gift grab, you can politely decline the invitation.
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This is someone close to me. They’ve been engaged 6 months already, and said they were thinking of throwing themselves an engagement party. I said to check with Dr. Google but I thought it wasn’t a good idea to do it for yourself. After I posted here I googled it, and as you said “anything goes” these days. Quick search does suggest it should be within 2-3 months of engagement.
They also bought a house just before getting engaged. I think they landed on a housewarming party instead.
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Housewarming party sounds like a better plan
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My son and fiance are getting married in August - I got my dress, second one I tried on. There was one other lady in the store when I was trying on dresses. I went and got an early lunch, and after I finished lunch, she sat down at the bar right beside me. I almost fell out of my chair. She had seen the dress I selected and she showed me her favorite dress that she tried on after I left the store. That was just a wonderful kicker to a wonderful day. It was so nice hearing about her excitement about her daughter’s wedding. Coincidences like that are really fun.
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That is fun! Best wishes for a lovely wedding in August.
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