At the reception for my younger brother’s bar mitzvah way back when, there was a fistfight among several of my father’s first cousins. To top that off, one of my father’s uncles had a heart attack and died on the spot. Quite an evening.
9 Likes
Wow! I was going to say on my niece’s wedding, there was a 100 year snow storm and that no wedding could top that in 100 years.
A question, when you give the couple a gift at the wedding, who do you address on the card? Both the bride and the groom, or just the bride or the groom? If both whose name first?
I always address cards (I give cash gifts on line ) to both. I don’t think about whose name is first - I usually put “Sally and Jon”, or “Jon and Sally”. I don’t use “Mr and Mrs” as most of the young women I know don’t like that.
4 Likes
I don’t think a lot about whose name first but probably put whichever of the couple I know better first. So if I know Sally better, then “Sally and Jon” - I also don’t do Mr and Mrs or last names.
But def not something I’d overthink
4 Likes
I am struggling with the high cost of my D’s wedding, which they are planning now. D and FSIL were planning to pay for wedding themselves and did not ask for $. But we told them we were happy to contribute X amount, and FSIL’s parents also wanted to contribute Y amount (a very generous amt, but it came with the stipulation that they had to invite a ton of FSIL’s parents’ friends). So as a result, # of wedding guests is large (200) and it now looks like the wedding will end up costing > $100k for 200 guests. They have the $ to spend, so that isn’t the issue. It just seems like a crazy amount to spend for one (or two) days when it could be saved as a down payment for a house. It’s not my money, so I know I need to let it go, but it’s hard! I have already shared this thought with my D, so know that I need to refrain from bringing it up again.
13 Likes
Yeah, planning the wedding is the practice for having your offspring turn into married adults! You politely say your piece from a “I” message point of view, they do whatever they want with that, and you shush. There’s lots of shushing. It does get easier, but you are not the only MOB/G shaking your head. Come here early and often 
FWIW, I agree. That’s house money! But if it’s early, they may change their minds a bit and downsize some of the expenses if they can. The couple often start out with grand Instagrammable concepts and let some of them go. Talking with DiL this past weekend (a week after the wedding) she was still kinda stunned at how much of the actual day she did not remember, how chaotic even the most carefully planned parts felt, and how much she had worried about things that ended up being perfectly fine. Thank goodness we took lots and lots of photos, it was fun to look through them and explain to her all the parts she either didn’t see or hadn’t remembered. And we both thought the on-site coordinator was a pita! A bonding moment!
2 Likes
It’s also a coming together of two different families with 2 different ideas of what they think is important and how they achieve it.
I also think that’s a big lesson for all of us. And that we have to let our children make their choices and decisions along with their future spouse.
5 Likes
I’m in the same boat as you. I can’t believe that this much money is going to be spent when it could be spent on a substantial down payment for a house instead. What made me feel better about it was shopping around and realizing that’s just the price in the geographic area we’re looking in, so the kids aren’t spending money willy-nilly. I’m still embarrassed though about how much we are spending and certainly won’t be sharing that info with my family.
1 Like
If the groom’s parents split the cost of the wedding, I wonder who pays for the rehearsal dinner? Or is it common not to have a rehearsal dinner anymore?
Separate question, I wonder how big most rehearsal dinners are now, since many people now come in from out of town.
One of the answers to this is that the old traditional “rehearsal dinner” was because there was an official run through at the church - where a lot of wedding sized to happen in our time and where a lot of weddings ARE NOT happening now!
Doesn’t mean that a run through doesn’t happen but it may be “less official” or a shortened time period than in the past.
I believe we invited our priest to our rehearsal too!
Some do a rehearsal dinner. Some just do a night before event for many. Some do both.
2 Likes
Around here big weddings 200+ people often cost more like $200 k all in(including a Friday night welcome party that is usually casual…..at brewery/pizza place). I do agree if it’s a choice between the wedding and a down payment on a house, spending like that seems crazy. Many people here are able to do both. But there are definitely people who seem to make a choice and do the wedding!
3 Likes
One couple I know well said they were all set to have their wedding and then the pandemic derailed plans. They had already paid deposits of $60k and no one would give refunds if they had a small courthouse ceremony instead. They had a lovely and VERY elegant wedding in fall 2022 instead, years after originally scheduled. We know they spent a fortune but that was what bride wanted and groom wanted bride happy.
Lots of money was available from the wedding couple (both mds), parents of groom (both mds) and father of bride (also md). Lots of MDs at wedding, to no one’s surprise. Everyone had a great time!
2 Likes
We had a rehearsal picnic of everyone in the wedding party and their SOs, plus a few family who had already arrived. Extremely informal but probably 35 people. The other wedding was soup and sandwiches right at the church after rehearsal, just the wedding party and SOs. Maybe 20. Both times there was an actual rehearsal prior.
It will vary wildly. I do think that you want to save some energy and peace for the actual wedding day. It can be exhausting, especially for the couple, to have a constant stream of socializing but ymmv.
2 Likes
D and SIL’s rehearsal dinner was a sit down dinner for the wedding party and parents only . Afterward we had an open party with beer, wine, soft drinks and cake for anyone who wanted to attend. There were quite a few out of town family and friends so it was a lot of people. We had 2 cakes ( from Costco) one for the wedding couple and one for my dad ( it was his birthday and he loved a party). It was a lot of fun.
6 Likes
Peace and saving energy. I think that’s where my D’s mind is set.
2 Likes
I had to come to terms with this last year. We split the costs with SIL’s parents, who are very good friends of ours, and we still spent an outrageous amount. DH and his family love big celebrations so I was the only one trying to rein in the cost. I gave up by mid-year as there was really no point in trying to be the voice of moderation when everyone around me is eager to add.
Now when the kids complain about being priced out of the housing market in their area, I have to bite my tongue hard. The money that was spent on the wedding would have been more than enough for a down payment on a home in their very high cost location as well as a lovely intimate wedding!
7 Likes
Wow. Some of the wedding planning stories here make me think I should count my lucky stars that we only spent an equivalent of a Corolla on each kid’s wedding! And that the IL - most importantly - were not involved in any way because they were not from the US.
4 Likes
Similarly it’s not just housing. It’s student debt or the cost of raising a family, infertility treatments. You name it.
I understand that this crowd is a privileged one.
Why is there so much emphasis on one day when there are so many other things that could bring longer lasting benefits to a young person’s life?
Rant over
10 Likes
I was finding myself biting my tongue a bit reading here and your post basically mimicked the lines which I was thinking.
You do you of course (a phrase that I actually hate). But as someone who is living fine in life but WAY not able or interested in providing $ for an extravagant wedding, I think part of this is values to a degree.
And what or who you value in life.
It is real hard to relate or even agree and not judge (shoot me, I’m the messenger!) someone spending $100K+ on a wedding no matter how many zeros your bank account has.
I don’t think I’ll ever be invited to one of those weddings to specifically comment tho!
I agree 100% which is why I initially posted my dilemma here. I think it’s crazy to spend that much money on one day, most of which will pass by in a blur. But D and FSIL both have very high-salaried jobs (more than twice what I ever made in my not too shabby career) and put a significant amount of their salaries into their savings and retirement accounts. They also have no student debt or debt of any kind. So it’s hard for me to begrudge them this when they are so fiscally responsible in every other aspect of their lives and it is THEIR money to spend. Just grateful that I have this group to complain to. Okay, rant over.
10 Likes