2016 and beyond wedding moms and dads (Part 2)

[SOSConcern]

Honestly it really depends on the families. SIL’s parents paid for the rehearsal dinner and worked this out directly with DD1/SIL. Everyone that came in from OOS or were at the hotel were informed of the dinner invite and came to the rehearsal dinner (which was buffet Mexican). All the Seminarians around, priests, etc. were also invited - we had a table of clergy. The wedding was at the Cathedral, and we had a number of those individuals participating, while others were around and invited to ‘come along’ to the Friday evening dinner, which was at a Catholic catered kitchen dining area which DD1/SIL didn’t have to pay for the use because of DD1’s years of volunteer and student involvement.

We paid more in on the wedding than DD1/SIL, but they did a great job with their local vendors – especially as DD1 had long-time ties with the community and got the right people for food, flowers, etc. This was in 2017. Budget probably now would be more than double.

[maya54]

Why values though? A large expensive wedding employs scores of people. A dozen or more wait staff, florists , dress maker, artists who create invitations and signage, musical artists , calligraphers, photographers, chefs etc……I do think it’s crazy to spend the money in one day if it means you can’t afford a house. But I don’t see it as an issue for those who can do both. Open to other thoughts on this.

[abasket]

Maybe I just can’t even imagine that a couple doesn’t need to use $100k+ on something else.
Student loans
A house
Adoption
College education for future children
Retirement savings
Cars
Health needs
Causes that are desperately needy that they support

This is my outlook. I cannot imagine not prioritizing something else. I get that I’m being judgy - but really honest.

This - for me - is where just because you have the money doesn’t make it a good decision.

But also I know there is a world - and right here on cc - where this is commonplace. You will often find me providing a societal counterpoint.

Continue!
I love this thread and have likely read every one of the thousands of posts on it!!

[momofboiler1]

We are talking very different dollars but back in the day, my parents offered us a wedding or gifting us the $ for the downpayment to a house. We already had the money for the house saved and put aside so we opted for the wedding, which our parents/grandparents also wanted (and we had no debts to pay off). While I’ve expressed my own struggles about losing control over my own wedding, our families were very happy to have had the celebration. We lost a number of elderly family members right after and it was the last happy family gathering where we were all together for many people.

Having had that extra money might have meant a bigger starter home for us but wouldn’t have meaningfully changed our financial trajectory in any way. And yes, I realize that I was very privileged.

[maya54]

I totally get all that. I do know though many people who have the money where the spending on the wedding will make no difference as to these things. These young people have million dollar trust funds already. Amid they have high paying jobs. Of course this is a,tiny privileged bubble. But I don’t exactly understand why it’s bad values to support so many musicians, artists and creators and working people as these weddings do.

[abasket]

I hear you. And truly appreciate you listening .

That is a world that is completely outside of my world. Completely.

[greenbutton]

If I might add in to a refreshingly civil conversation, I feel like it might be priorities. This is all well outside my own life experience and those of the people around me, never having had that kind of money – and by that I mean a local wedding would have trouble finding a way to spend 100K even if it was financially possible.

But in a world where so many people are going without, struggling to make ends meet, and the entities that support social safety nets are under threat, I would be honestly embarassed to allocate money for a luxurious party when I could scale down the party and allocate more to direct aid for others. Totally my own pov, and I understand that somebody who throws a 100K party probably also donates generously.

That’s different than saving for a home, of course, and there’s nothing wrong with any of these pov. Like @abasket , I am often aware of the demographic differences on CC.

[AnAsmom]

I have to add to my post to give a complete picture. Sorry, it’s a long post.

The wedding cost included multiple events spanning 2 days. In addition to the usual venue, wedding planner, decor, food, photographer, etc, costs we had others.

It was a destination wedding and we paid for accommodation for the 2-3 days for all those traveling to the wedding, which was most of the guests. They paid for their airfare and we wanted to make sure they didn’t have to pay the hotel cost as well. We also covered all the meals for those days.
All four of us parents come from closely knit large families and the kids wanted their extended families to be there. Therefore, the numbers went up. We also had >80% people rsvp yes which was unexpected yet heartwarming.

The kids are responsible adults, and have jobs that they are passionate about. They have no debt of any kind, live well within their means, contribute the maximum to retirement accounts, and have a really great nest egg saved up for buying a house. They set a budget for the wedding and stayed within the amount they had planned to spend.
Both sets of parents had an amount in mind — this was unconditional so could be used for wedding costs or towards a down payment. So it was surprising to me that they wanted to use that money and splurge on the wedding.

As an introvert who hated being the center of attention at my own wedding, I am all for small intimate weddings. I encouraged them to have a civil ceremony and later a celebration party if they wanted.
The combined contribution would have allowed the kids to purchase the house this year instead of as they now plan in two years.

The wedding was gorgeous, it was a fairytale setting, the food, and music was very good and everyone who attended seems to have enjoyed it.
It still is a great deal of money to spend on what is now just a memory, lovely as it is. The practical side of me wishes that they had used some of the wedding costs to buy a house now!

I know that the money that was spent went towards employing many people and don’t consider it to be wasteful.
As well, the money spent on a wedding sometimes isn’t a sign of how privileged you are but is spent because of cultural, and family differences.
While logic tells you that spending an inordinate amount on a party is crazy you have to also consider the intangibles that make it worth it. We had a family reunion on both my and DH’s sides that hadn’t happened in quite a few years. People who hadn’t met in over 20 years came together and enjoyed catching up. Elderly relatives were able to attend the wedding because travel was easier to the destination than it would’ve been here.
Thanks for allowing me to express my jumbled thoughts. I have been bottling a lot of this until now. I love this thread and have always read it even though I was only able to join last year as an official participant.

[deb922]

I think it’s only human to feel both ways.

It was a great day, you are happy that the family got together. Money well spent as they say.

But also to think back when there’s a home that seems out of reach and think how that cash could have been used in a different direction.

Most of us have to make choices. I think it’s an extremely fortunate position to be able to do it all.

I know I have to make choices. Doesn’t mean that I don’t live a great life where I can do most anything I want. Means I have to decide which one of those things I can.

[mom60]

I think this thread has evolved into another one where anyone who spends more is somehow frowned upon. It’s the same as when people brag about how they drive old cars and their neighbors spend in an irresponsible manor with a fancy car and expensive holidays and meals out. Many people spend above their means but many who spend can afford it.
I can easily see how a local wedding in my are can get near 100,000 and not even be fancy unless it is small. Venues alone can be $20,000. When one of mine got married local they went with a place that was a restaurant that also did events. There was no site fee just a spending minimum on food and beverage. It wasn’t anywhere near the top of their venue choices but it was just when Covid restrictions lifted so spots were hard to come by. I think where you live plays into it. I’ve not been invited to a church wedding or hall reception since I was in my 20’s. I’ve never been invited to a wedding with just cake.
I don’t judge anyone for the decisions they make. For me it was treating all my kids the same. I didn’t feel right telling my son he didn’t get the same wedding cost contribution as his sibling.

[deb922]

I think it can be viewed from both sides.

Those who choose to spend more feel that they are being judged

Those who choose to spend less feel that those who spend more look down on their choices

In the end it’s about what you can afford and what you choose to spend that on. Just like cars. Or education for your children. Or the house you buy. Or the vacations you take.

And some have the ability to do all of those things.

[HImom]

When S and DIL attended relative’s wedding shortly after they were engaged, my sisters kept saying how that gala would be a tough wedding to top. My S kept saying, “They had the wedding they wanted and we will have the wedding we want. It isn’t a competition.”.

The next year, S & DIL did indeed have the wedding they wanted and it was very different from the other wedding. Both were joyous events, which was all I cared about. I was proud of S and DIL not getting sucked into any competition.

[abasket]

It may depend which side of the fence you are on. There is plenty of bragging here on CC about the spending $$$ side of things (clothes! Travel! Cars! Tipping!) and there is also as you say, bragging about driving a 20 year old car, or not using social media or whatever.

The difference can be when you’re driving the 20 year old car because you have to. You live in the starter house you bought 40 years ago because life dealt some bangers and it’s what you can afford.

All weddings should be about celebrating the couple and bringing loved ones together if that’s what the couple wants - and can be afforded. Cultural wedding traditions can come at all price points. It is not more of a family event or cultural event because there is more $ put on the table.

Moving forward I hope we can respect all info laid out on this thread. But like other threads on CC that doesn’t mean that we all are going to be on the same page. We might disagree. We might roll our eyes for or against something.

I hope we can encourage everyone to post here - whether your family member is having a $1000 wedding or a $100,000+ one. Like other CC threads, I think sometimes we discourage “the average Joe” from participating because of the “bigger is better or more is better” attitude.

So, anyone attending a wedding this month? Or the last couple of weeks? HOW WAS THE CAKE OR OTHER DESSERTS?!!!

[mom60]

One issue I have with the cake or dessert is it’s often served later in the evening and some of us older folks are past ready to go home.

[abasket]

Maybe weddings should be one of those occasions where you get to eat dessert first!

[HImom]

S had a buffet so folks could take their desserts with all the rest of their food. Tate end of the evening, ramen was available for anyone interested. I figured it was already paid for so I got a serving. Slices of wedding cake were handed out after they cut the cake.

[sevmom]

My son just went to the Hindu wedding of his coworker/friend.. It was a 3 day event. He said the vegetarian food was great but didn’t say anything specific about dessert. It sounded like a very expensive wedding that was meaningful and lots of fun!

[HImom]

My niece flew to India for a wedding of a college friend. She bought new garments and everything. I didn’t hear any details but am guessing it was an interesting and fun experience. She has a lot of international classmates at University of British Columbia.

[greenbutton]

We had a ceremonial cake which was tasty, but also had ice cream and retro wooden spoons and man oh man did the dance floor clear out when ice cream was announced!!! Delicious on a hot day.

I was at a wedding that served the best lemon and raspberry filled cake I have ever, ever,had. And thr cocktail snacks are often overlooked but so great. Popcorn also seems to be increasingly popular , which is fun.

[greenbutton]

My DiL/S attended a 4 day wedding celebrating Indian and British traditions, and the bride’s family included specific notes on what women could wear, how to get it, and why it wouldn’t be cultural appropriation if those without Indian backgrounds wanted to dress that way this time. I thought that was very thoughtful and DIL did indeed get a sari!