That’s just not how we….or DD, her fiancé or most people in general among their friends and close acquaintances where we live….. think about a wedding’s reception. For us and them, it is a party given by the parents in honor of their children’s marriage. We want them to love that party and they have a huge say in what the party looks like but just giving them money and saying do whatever with it is it not how it typically happens. Parents have veto power. Totally understand that not everybody views it that way. But here conversations between the bride’s parents and the grooms about the costs are a common part of the process and expected. Among the people we know, the grooms family typically pays between half and a third the cost of the reception. ( groom to be family’s here happens to have many many mutual friends so we know they have the same knowledge of how things typically go here). Our daughter is already looking to us to do a lot of the planning work, we have already negotiated with the band the couple wanted and signed the contract. Our older daughter’s husband’s parents paid more than half since their guest list was so enormous and the money was of no concern for them. We do not expect this to be the case now and we wanther fiancés parents to feel at ease that we are happy to cover everything without making them feel uncomfortable. It’s a touchy subject though.
We have already booked the venue. Which is a private club of which we are not members. You have to be “ sponsored” by a member. The club is beautiful but not one where we or anyone of our friends or family know a member (its members are a different demographic than most people we know…I.e, not Jewish….we do live in a bit of a bubble ). I was able to find a potential sponsor through a friend of a co worker but didn’t want to bother then unless DD and fiance were sure they wanted the venue. Because our older daughter had a baby (!) on the day of the venue visit I had to leave town. Grooms parents immediately stepped in, cancelling their plans to go with the couple to see it. They relayed all information to us about why the couple loved the location and discussed the pluses and minuses with the couple before they decide for sure . (DD and her fiancé were looking for that sort of help). I then got the sponsor. So yes they have been able to support the couple in non monetary ways that are very valuable.
Sounds like both sets of parents are off to a very nice supportive start.
And 
congrats on the new baby!!
Congratulations!
I think you can frame it as their having to pay for their own accommodations and travel is already a big contribution and you are appreciative of that because you were in that position with other child.
Edit: Looks like they are local too. Maybe they can host the traditional rehearsal dinner?
Exactly. They are local. The do have a ton of potential out of country guests so not sure they can do that by themselves. We are happy to split or even pay for it all. But do not want to insult them in any way.
Costs often relate to number of guests. I know DD1 and SIL figured the relatives that they were inviting, and we had a very short list of close friends to be invited. They invited additional local friends close to the wedding when distant relatives could not come (venue size for dinner/dancing reception limited the guest list). Wedding was in the city of DD1/SIL, 100 miles from DD1’s hometown. DD1/SIL pooled the funds for the wedding itself (from us and their own earnings between engagement date and the wedding) - DH asked DD1 if they needed more money and DD1 said “we have it under control”. SIL’s parents hosted the rehearsal dinner (included all out-of-town guests) - which was economical and worked out great - catered at a place DD1 was not charged for space use (due to her association/work with/at the venue) - was very festive and happy time. SIL’s parents were a great help with negotiating the hotel’s contract - they had been through it with their other son, and their expertise included having no charges for the valet parking which saved us all quite a bit with coming and going. The wedding details were all worked out by DD1/SIL, and after the wedding reception, DH and I filled in when ‘assigned friends’ didn’t stay to help with chores (venue responsibilities) - we made sure all was completed. A few friends also helped stay to help us. We got all the gifts moved to our vehicle and transported them to their new apartment where some of the male groomsmen were staying (they were already there…. these guys totally ‘forgot’ to help at the venue).
IMHO what the brides’ family has saved for the gal’s wedding (traditional thinking) might be different than what the groom’s parents may be able to contribute towards.
Our situation worked out well because it was the wedding the couple wanted, and they wanted the control. We provided funds that were reasonable on our circumstances, as did the groom’s parents. DD1 lived in her city enough years that she got the reasonable rates for great food and flowers - for both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding reception. DD1 did try on dresses at a traditional bridal shop with me, but had a legitimate Italian designed dress that she ordered to exact measurements (we had a choice to have a traditional size and ability to return, but there would be no time to return the dress - and the dress fit perfectly). The traditional bridal shop lady confirmed that the Italian designed dress was legitimate; we purchased undergarments at the bridal shop. I also found a dress ‘off the rack’ - I believe I ordered it but the dress worked out great for me (DD1 already knew her bridal colors and the dress color was ‘approved’). I took care of the money exchange in paying for the dress (Euros) and we ordered the lace for the veil along with the dress and that worked out great.
One only needs to look at bridal shops to know how overpriced veils can be!
One additional thing that the groom’s parents helped with was that the groomsmen, the groom, the groom’s father and the bride’s father all had suits from the same place - DH got measured at the local store and all the suits were then done - we all paid for our own suits but it was a lower cost due to the group order. They had been through this with their other son.
What can be negotiated with the right manager/store.
How’s the wedding planning coming for anyone doing this?
We’re still a year and a half out, but have my D’s dress and reception site locked down. The florist and DJ should be locked down in the next month, but we’re getting closer on that and I think it’s going to be beautiful. Next up the photographer.
On a side note, the issue about the hotel cost is turning out to be a bummer for me. When I told my extended family the rate, ALL of them said they are not going to stay there. I think what’s going to happen is they are going to try to find a cheap hotel within a half hour and just attend the Saturday night wedding. I think they’ll miss the Friday night welcome reception at the hotel and the Sunday morning breakfast there (as well as running into the other guests in the hallways and just missing out on the weekend vibe in general). I’m very grateful that my D is taking that news in stride because she had really wanted everyone to hang out for the whole weekend, but she says as long as they take Ubers Saturday night, that’s fine. Gosh, I really love my kid’s attitude!
Do you think you overshot the hotel and what your family could afford? Especially if considering a minimum 2 nights of lodging?
Maybe some with change their minds!
I think the real problem for most of my family members is that my family isn’t really big into celebrations and don’t really want to spend that much money going to a wedding. Most have spent that much money going away for something special they’d enjoy doing. That being said, I do think they’d come to the actual wedding to show their support, they just don’t want to spend that much money on it. Also, there are a few members of my family for whom this would be an imposition. I was planning on paying for a couple of Airbnbs for those families because I wouldn’t have wanted them to be left out. But that can get awkward too, especially if I pay for one of my niece’s but not her brother or sister.
Things have gone really well for my D and her fiance! They are getting married at the end of June (this year, 2026). They are getting married at the church they attend and are having the reception at what is essentially a “community room” that is operated by another local church.
They booked their caterer this week - they are getting Thai food from a restaurant that is their favorite “date night” spot. Apparently they attended another wedding that had catering from this restaurant, which gave them the idea. I love that it is creative and out of the ordinary. Virtually every wedding I’ve ever been to has either BBQ or a traditional meat/potatoes/veggies type wedding dinner.
When my D was home over break we went wedding dress shopping at a place that mostly does off-the-rack dresses, and she found the dress of her dreams within budget, and we got to take it home that day!
She was also going to be calling hotels to find out about a room block somewhere, but I didn’t hear how it went. We think there won’t be a huge number of guests that need hotel lodging – many will be within a close enough drive, and others have friends/family they may stay with locally.
Now with those bigger pieces out of the way, she is down to somewhat smaller decisions, like dessert (deciding between a friend with a cake business or friends with an ice cream business that each offered her steeply discounted prices…or maybe do both!), getting invitations designed, etc.
Have you thought about about providing transportation from their hotel to the event(s).
For both of our Ds weddings we found different price range hotels.
We are about 3 months away from wedding #1. Invitations have been sent. S/FDIL1 live in a 1 BR apartment, so they are having their gifts shipped to us. Every day now we get packages and are making a wall in S’ bedroom. There’s plenty of space in there. This is the fun part for me!
The not fun part of clothing for everything is almost done. I need to take my dress for the wedding to be altered. I’ll need to do that soon. (ugh) My rehearsal dinner dress I just ordered off amazon. Hopefully it’ll come soon. I’ll just wear that as is, as long as it goes on my body. Then, the shower outfit. I was hoping to wear black pants and a top, and bought the sparkly amazon top @HImom linked in a different thread. I liked that, but then I got the invitation that it’s “tea party chic.” ChatGPT told me my black pants could work, but not with the top. I found a pink top on amazon it said was OK, so I’ll go with that. I also bought some silver flat sandals for the wedding/dinner, which should also (hopefully) be delivered soon. No pics of anything, because I don’t want anyone to tell me it doesn’t work. I’m stressed enough about it already to the point I’m about ready to say I don’t care and will show up in my comfy sweats.
Wedding #2 is a little over a year away, and I won’t feel the pressure to adhere to a dress code with them. They have the venue booked and the wedding party people selected, though I’m not sure if they’ve been officially invited.
Re: hotel rooms… Wedding 1 has several to choose from, and I was surprised at the cost for several of them, especially for the DMV area. We are staying at a boutique hotel which isn’t cheap, but it’s where the main family are staying. All hotels have transportation to/from the event.
edit: I’m surprised and happy at how excited my Mom is about this event. It’s not like her to get giddy over such things. Maybe she’s just happy they won’t be living in sin anymore, lol… It is also the first wedding of a grandchild. Maybe that’s it…
That sounds wonderful! I love the idea of their date night Thai food for the reception meal. Have they decided on their music?
I think they have discussed some ideas, but nothing definite. They have friends who do church music who will do music for the ceremony most likely, but I’m not sure if they will have a friend DJ for the reception or hire a DJ. They also hired a photographer already that several friends have used for their weddings. That was the first thing they did after confirming the date, I almost forgot about that.
Depending on your hair style, a hat might look great with your outfit for the tea party
My D doesn’t want to provide transportation. Part of it is she feels then that people are trapped. Another part is she feels that she is doing enough and if people want to do their own thing, then that’s absolutely fine but that’s then on them to arrange. Luckily Ubers are plentiful in the area.
I don’t do hats! Nor jewelry, purses, scarves, hairstyles, or anything else girly… I probably should have been born a man
Got it! No fancy schmantzy adornments for you!
You do you and don’t give your clothing choices another thought! I bet you’re look fine because you will be with your family and have a big smile on your face - THAT is best dressed! 