<p>bladdeblah, I think there is more to this than church attendance…I feel your frustration with your mom loud and clear, been there done that, now we get along great</p>
<p>You don’t owe your mother anything and so what if she disagrees with you…what you need to do is change your expecation from your mom and how she is</p>
<p>Once you realize that she is who she is, will not change, and you don’t come to rely on her for emotional support, if she is just unable to see that you need it, then let that part go</p>
<p>Find others you can count on for that, and with your mom, maybe just feel a bit sad that the kind of relationshi you would like is just o possible</p>
<p>My mom had to do that with her mom, sure it was superficial, but it was what it was</p>
<p>We all have relationships that serve different purposes, and no one relationship can be everything</p>
<p>Believe me, I understand the frustration and hurt from both sides, but think about it this way.</p>
<p>6 hours a year, and maybe someday, your mom will understand you, and if not, well, you did what you could</p>
<p>Hmm, probably not, it would be interesting to go once and see. I like learning about the day-to-day life of other cultures. But I don’t see what that has to do with anything brought up in this thread thus far. </p>
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<p>Yes, “the situation” being the fact that my parents continuously attempt to make me go to church, mostly on holidays. I wanted opinions about that situation in general, past, present, and future, not specifically about whether I “should” or “should not” go to church next Sunday. I never said i was looking for totally generic thoughts about raising children and religion, otherwise I would not have posted anything about my situation to begin with.</p>
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<p>I find the Christmas service less boring because it has a different setup and nicer music, so I decided that out of the two, I’d prefer to attend that one. It’s also more part of a family tradition on that day, so to speak. Those are the reasons I tell myself to justify my presence there, anyway. I am vaguely aware in the back of my mind that they’re useless reasons and that the only reason I’m there is to allow my parents their small moment of thinking that sitting in a church for an hour and a half will make me “see the light”, but I prefer to think about the first set of options, personally.</p>
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<p>Placate my mother, in what way? Do you mean, going to church every Sunday like a good little girl and being quiet about it? I have done that already, for many years. But I already said that. Yes, my parents’ actions have made me lose respect for them (and for Christians in general, although I fight against feeling that because I am aware they are not all the same). Just because they are related to me does not mean they can treat me however they please, or that they should be held to the bare minimum of standards, if any.</p>
<p>I guess my family is “worth” the same to me as I am to them, considering they know full well what I think and they continue to be the only ones to ever bring up the subject. I must be worth very little to my parents, if they like to make me feel this way over such a little thing, huh?</p>
<p>My husband was made to go to church every Sunday and when we got married he insisted on a justice of the peace. I was raised an agnostic by atheists and eventually became a member of the Unitarian church, but haven’t been in multiple years–and I never went for Easter or Christmas, because I found the ultra-religious nature of the two holidays offputting. A few years back my D and I went to the local Episcopal church for Christmas Eve carols, though.</p>
<p>Nonetheless, I would suggest not going home for Easter or Christmas, just to avoid the fight. Agree to disagree. </p>
<p>BdB, I think your parents are probably very worried that you’re going to go to hell.</p>
<p>^^Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t know any Christian denomination that thinks people go to hell for not attending services on Sundays. If BdB didn’t feel the need to discuss her atheistic beliefs with her parents, I have a feeling things would be more peaceful in her family.</p>
<p>Oh yes, my parents definitely think I’m going to hell, and have told me so on multiple occasions. I actually thought for a long time that they were completely convinced everyone who didn’t attend church every Sunday would automatically go to hell, because that’s what they always told me. I found out recently that they didn’t really believe that, they just told me that to try to scare me. I know that they do think people who don’t attend church regularly are bad Christians.</p>
<p>hereshoping…if I should not discuss my beliefs with my parents, what am I to say when they bring up the subject of religion? When they ask me why I do not like to go to church? When they ask me whether I still don’t believe in God? I don’t think they would take very well to silence as an answer.</p>
I think you could placate your mother by going to Church on Christmas and Easter (in other words, while at their home; I’m assuming you still don’t live at home) and, yes, not complaining or screaming about it. It doesn’t sound as if you have ever done that. You have recalled being dragged from the house to go to Church and objecting to it for years, so it doesn’t sound like as an adult you have ever tried to keep the peace. If you don’t think your family is worth it, then I am very sorry for all of you.
Oh, again with this. Stop acting as if they are beating you. Yes, they could be more respectful. Most of us have said that. Parents aren’t perfect, and you can’t keep expecting them to be. You can solve this so easily that it’s painful for me to keep reading about it. I think that family is a valuable relationship and that we should put more effort into our relationships with our families than with random people off the street, even if your parents or siblings aren’t the ones you would choose if family was a choice. You evidently have different views.</p>
<p>I also think that cultural respect is important, which is an interesting point HS and CGM have brought up. If you are in someone’s home, it is polite to follow along with their rules and traditions, even if you don’t agree with them, as long as they aren’t harmful. (If they are harmful, I think leaving the situation is the best call.) My sister spent three months working away from home recently, and when she was with friends or a family who were going to a religious service, she went along since it was the polite and decent thing to do. Keep in mind, these services were standing room only, for four or more hours, and in Swahili. I doubt my sister held those beliefs (but, really, who could know? Her Swahili was quite limited), but it’s the right thing to do in that situation. Your situation isn’t all that different. You are spending time with people (and not only people, but family members) who have different cultural and religious beliefs than you do. It is easy for you to follow along peacefully, and I don’t see it as very offensive to a non-believer. On the other hand, I think that if I were a Christian mother, I would be horribly hurt if my daughter refused to go to Mass with the family on Easter Sunday.</p>
<p>IMO, at your age, you get to decide where you go. If you want to please your parents you can choose to go or do other things to show your love and respect. I would have a hard time going to a Catholic church although my dad is Catholic because I so disagree with so much they stand for.</p>
<p>I don’t think a parent did a great job raising you if you share all of their beliefs. Hopefully there is mutual respect for the fact you will believe in different things.</p>
<p>The arguments were mostly when I was younger (as were the occasional appointments with dad’s leather belt)…after I realized they weren’t going to bother listening to what I had to say, I gave up and shut up. My parents, for their part, assumed they were right that I was lying, and assumed there was no problem or resentment on my end, because I said nothing in order to “keep the peace”. I suppose that’s the best option from their point of view, because they get what they want and they get to think nothing’s wrong, but it doesn’t work so well for me.</p>
<p>My going to church next Easter Sunday would not solve the problem, it is still there beneath all the tongue-biting. It would still be there every Sunday I come home, it would still be there if I have to move back in temporarily after I graduate, it would still be there if I move 500 miles away and my mother calls me on Sundays to check up on me and makes a point of mentioning something related to going to church. Being quiet just makes my parents think that they are right, that I am a liar, and that everybody’s happy and everything is fine and dandy. </p>
<p>I keep seeing you say that it’s not a big deal for non-believers to go, that it should be no issue, etc. I think that assuming this is one of the big problems…unless you have been in that situation, how do you know that it’s not a problem for the person? Maybe some people don’t mind but that’s obviously not the case for me. And I would never invite my parents to stay for a few weeks and then tell them that they are absolutely not allowed to attend church while they are staying with me, nor would I care if they did end up going to a local church. And I bet a lot of people would throw a raving fit if I did tell them they weren’t allowed to attend church while staying in my house…but yet it’s completely ok for them to do the opposite, isn’t it?</p>
<p>It’s not the opposite. Lack of belief is not really the opposite of belief in practice because they have many different implications. Atheism is not a culture or a dogma, while religion is. Atheism does not have consequences regarding going to Church, while Christianity has consequences for not going to Church. I do not feel your comparison is very valid. They shouldn’t require you to go; they probably shouldn’t even ask you to. Nonetheless, I do think that it’s the polite thing to do. What is so offensive about you going to Church? I’m not talking about the way your parents ask or trest you. I just want to know what bothers you so much about sitting through a service. Do you feel the same with funerals and weddings in churches? Is this universal for all religions? I’m not attacking you. I really am just curious.</p>
<p>I’m a lesbian with a Catholic father who grew up in the 40s and 50s… I do have experience with making family work when religious and cultural takes differ. It takes some compromise, some silence, and some pretending on everyone’s part–just like all relationships.</p>
<p>OK, BlahDeBlah, you’re right and your parents are disrespecting you and should stop.</p>
<p>Does that statement change anything? No.</p>
<p>Bottom line - you cannot change your parents. You can only change your reactions to them. You can either resign yourself to the way your parents are, or you can destroy the relationship. And this can happen in any family, be it over religion, politics or the way you make your bed. You keep the peace or create the war. It’s your choice. Hope you can live with whatever you choose.</p>
<p>I seems that the problems you have with your parents go far beyond the matters of attending church. This particular aspect is where you decided to make your stand in matters of “You are not the boss of me anymore” . Otherwise the thought of going to church to make your parents happy wouldn’t feel ludicrous to you. I am a Christian and came to my beliefs as an adult( raised in an atheist country) . My H and my S are definitely NOT Christians( vague pantheists at best) . They know that their presence at Christmas and Easter services makes me happy( especially when they approve of my choice of music, I am a music director :)) . So every Christmas Eve and Easter Sunday they are in the pew wearing ties. The rest of the year is theirs to sleep in on Sundays. :)</p>
<p>See, I don’t actually find going to church to be “offensive”. It’s dreadfully boring most of the time, and when I have to get up early for it I end up yawning a lot, getting a headache, and being tired for the rest of the day (that last point was especially a problem in high school and middle school when I was constantly sleep-deprived and needed every minute of extra sleep I could get on the weekends). I mostly just find it pointless (for me), and I stare off into space and daydream and make mental to-do lists of all the things that I should do when I get back home, and could have been doing if I wasn’t sitting in a church instead. Now, I don’t like to say that very often because I would think that most Christians would be offended if they knew the person sitting in front of them was thinking that, but that’s just a guess.</p>
<p>But it’s not the actual sitting in church part that’s a problem, it’s the way the whole issue is addressed.</p>
<p>So, instead of making it a big drama, why not join your parents on Easter morning with a real smile and say, “I love you Mom and because I love you I’ve decided to go to church with you at Easter and Christmas.” It will suprise the heck out of them and make two (okay, maybe just one) out of three people extremely happy. </p>
<p>Get over yourself, they’re not dragging you any more and should have stopped making you go when you were in high school, but they didn’t so now deal with the situation like an adult. Sometimes in life there are things you just don’t like to do, things that bother you to do but they’re not morally wrong, not even painful and if they make someone you love happy, you do it anyway.</p>
<p>Good luck. I used to have to check Mass times when my parents came to visit me in various towns when in my 20’s. When I eventually was going to marry my husband, who was raised Hindu, he was willing to do the Catholic bit, I was not. Mother had died several years before, father had met and liked future husband, but there was dead silence on the phone when I told him it was not going to be a Catholic wedding- I was over 30. He came to our wedding and now goes to church without us, we give him the needed information. When child was young I tried to take him for Christmas and Easter since we were doing the secular bits, but finally quit because I couldn’t stand listening to the religious bigotry. I attend weddings and funerals but don’t do the kneeling, etc.- just like my husband and other strangers to the church.</p>
<p>I can relate to what you’re going through, it’s a tough situation. You’re 22 now, right? I’m hearing you venting on this forum because you are really dreading next weekend, again. I suggest that you compromise and attend the service quietly (I have told some people they don’t want me at their church telling them how wrong they are…) when you are home for holidays. I would get your mother to compromise also by having her not insist on church attendence at any other time you visit, but I would raise this issue on the telephone, not at their house on a holiday. </p>
<p>It’s a power struggle. Distance helps. Hopefully you will be able to resolve your issues with them over time. Be thankful you don’t have to live with them anymore. BTW- to all the church believers, consider this- at at least one point in your family someone broke with the faith/traditions of their parents (religion or location away from the family); it’s nothing new to upset your parents by rejecting their religion. You are under no obligation to make your parents happy, no matter how much you love them.</p>
<p>Being asked nicely to do something never obligates you to do that, it is easy to as kindly say no. Not all invitations need to be accepted. Enough of my sermon…</p>
<p>Hard when parents believe their children should be conduits of their own beliefs. In our family, son will probably marry a Hindu, and grandkids will probably be raised in that religion. Even more disturbing–son says he may be a Republican!</p>
<p>Ha ha–it’s all fine with me, an atheist liberal. I’m proud the kids are finding their own ways. And thrilled that they don’t think they have to please me by cloning me. Maybe I feel this freedom because my grandparents were Swedish immigrants who left a culture and religion behind. They did fine.</p>
<p>Blahdeblah, for a 22-year-old, you sound kind of immature to me, because you are still engaged in a power struggle with your mom.</p>
<p>When my son was a boy I used to insist that he come to see his little sister’s dance recitals, which he hated, but I made him come anyway, even though The Nutcracker as danced by children was equally boring ever single year she was in it. However, I know my son had grown up when he was 22 and had to work one Sunday, but made arrangements to get off work early and take an hour long bus ride so he could arrive at the theater just as the curtain was coming up for the performance – and all he asked in return was that I give him a ride back to his work later on. </p>
<p>If you are 22 and don’t live at home any more, and don’t want to attend church on Easter… then don’t go home on Easter. Tell your parents you have something else you have to do, you can’t make it, you were invited somewhere else, whatever… but don’t insult them by showing up at the house and refusing to accompany them to church. Whatever your mom did when you were 10 is irrelevant, unless you always want to be the child struggling against a parent. If you want to have an adult relationship, you have to act like an adult. Right now, it seems that you are still having the same tantrum over the same issue that you used to have when your mom would drag you screaming out of the house.</p>
<p>At 22 I would think you would have grown past it.</p>
<p>(Note: I had a big conflict with my mom over something when I was 17. I did resolve it by not returning home again. I was in college and I did not go home physically for several years – I got jobs in my college town over the summers, I did other things during breaks. I did reconcile with my mom, but I rarely went home to visit. My mom died unexpectedly when I was 24. Think about it.)</p>
<p>For those of you who don’t think hell is an issue for the OP’s parents, consider that the Pope describes hell this way: “hell-- of which so little is said in our time-- does exist, and is eternal for those who close off their hearts to His love.” <a href=“Missing Page Redirect | Catholic Culture”>Missing Page Redirect | Catholic Culture;
<p>(Personally, the more I get preached to, the less I want to do something. And I’m 51 years old. I don’t think it’s a maturity issue. But the OP does need to decide which is more important TO HIM: being hypocritical by going to church, or not getting along with his parents.)</p>