Adam Lanza's father speaks In New Yorker article

Parent Cafe
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<p>Peter Lanza will live in the kind of hell I can’t bear to imagine for the rest of his life. I have read the article twice and don’t see what more the man could have done to prevent this most horrific tragedy, given what he knew, his son’s refusal to see him or address his illness, his ex-wife’s denial, legal and medical restrictions on mental health care, and what any human being could reasonably anticipate. Given the reactions of some here (and, I suspect, many Americans), the thought that he sought the interview to “rehabilitate his reputation and gain public sympathy” is laughable. </p>

<p>I have thought about this crime every day since it happened. Peter Lanza has always had my sympathy, which in no way lessens the pain and sympathy I feel for the victims’ families. And my reading skills must be lacking if the article in any way represents “a soft ball.”</p>

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<p>IIRC, Peter Lanza says an hour doesn’t go by without him thinking about this. That’s his own special Hell, I would imagine, and should bring comfort to those who wish him ill.</p>

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<p>Adam’s increasing social isolation led to Nancy’s isolation as well. Without emotional support and a “reality check” on her indulging Adam, it seems the two of them slipped into their situation together. I also wonder why the guns were not locked and inaccessible to Adam, but it is possible that Nancy, in her isolation, also shared his delusions or denial. We don’t know the answer, but the concept of “Folie a Deux” (shared metal disorder) is known to occur.</p>

<p>Autism, and Asperger syndrome do not imply violence. Children and adults on the spectrum are prone to anxiety and frustration. They can have tantrums. However, this kind of pre-meditated mass murder is not a result of autism, but something else. Something different led to this. Whatever it was, perhaps both Adam and Nancy needed intervention.</p>

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<p>^I agree that both of them probably needed intervention. The best person to intervene would have been Peter Lanza. Through the article, he comes across somewhat passive. I don’t know why they stopped homeschooling Adam Lanza in middle school. Middle schools is hard on everyone. According to the article, Adam Lanza had a particularily difficult time there He was doing so well until then home schooled. With a child like him, I would’ve held onto whatever worked as long as possible.</p>

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<p>l have been trying to remember “folie a deux” this whole thread. I have read a few books about autism and relationships, due to my own experiences, and I’ve read about that sort of a concept in all of them where the person who functions as a caregiver can get so buried in the dysfunction of the autistic person that they begin to exhibit some of the dysfunction themselves. On a lesser scale, I have noticed this in my own home. The over sensitivity and the little things that get under my skin get under my fiance’s skin in a way they didn’t before, but he has spent so much time bending his life around mine to help me that things start to warp. Sometimes he automatically does something that is technically strange but is something that normally helps me, and I think, “wow, how did he know to do that.” In a way, his brain starts to function like mine does. It just happens when things are difficult and you have to actively combat it, this is something you work on with therapists. The two of them living alone together was probably not healthy for either one of them. I am only a little bit dysfunctional so I can only imagine how much bending and warping takes place with someone like Adam Lanza in the house. I don’t mean this to say that Nancy didn’t make any mistakes, because obviously she did-- I am not sure that anyone really thinks she didn’t, but I think she may have been sick, too, by the sounds of it and may have done the best she could even if it wasn’t enough. That doesn’t make it okay but it doesn’t help anyone if we just condemn the Lanza family without truly trying to understand what happened here. It’s speculation, but I wonder if Nancy’s brain was bent and warped around Adam’s so that she couldn’t see clearly anymore. </p>

<p>I appreciate the emphasis on the fact that autism does not make people do this. I remember a collective gasp in horror in the autism community when it came out that Adam had Asperger’s. Some people with asperger’s literally fear for their lives when something like this happens for fear that people will think they are mass murderers in the making. I was afraid to say anything about my own condition on facebook for a while for fear people would look at me differently. Statistically we are so very likely to be the victims of violent crimes rather than the perpretrators. My experience in the autism community has been some of the sweetest and most compassionate people. I liked the distinction the article drew between different types of lack of empathy-- the inability to understand the emotions of others vs not being concerned about inflicting pain, they are different. A lot of people that I know with autism, myself included, are hyper-empathetic and have to avoid some emotional situations because we feel the emotions of others so strongly it feels like it will kill us-- which looks the same of lack of empathy but it isn’t. I still demonstrate the autistic “lack of empathy” sometimes but it is not in such a blatant way as the phrase implies, it is more… you say you are upset about something and I feel terribly for you and launch into trying to help without actually stopping to say “I feel terrible for you” because I assume that my trying to help demonstrates that, or some similar type of unintended offense where I am feeling the right emotions but not expressing them in a way that reaches the other person’s brain. I am seeing people, not on CC but elsewhere, throwing this “lack of empathy” wording around and using it to imply people like me carry great potential to become violent, but that isn’t what those words mean. We don’t. I appreciate Peter acknowledging this and saying that he doesn’t want the autism to mask whatever else he had going on, people need to keep repeating that.</p>

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<p>I’m as anti-gun as they come, and agree that Nancy Lanza should not have kept guns in her house (she could have kept guns at the shooting range where she took Adam), BUT, he had access to get guns on his own, and did so. </p>

<p>As many others have said here, Adam was mentally ill over and above Aspergers or Autism. His parents tried their best knowing what they knew, when they knew it. Could they have done more? Perhaps. Perhaps not. Easy for us to analyze/criticize from afar. And in hindsight.</p>

<p>What I do know, is that mental health problems are very difficult for all involved and resources are sorely lacking. I have nothing but sympathy for all involved in this horrific tragedy - the children and adults killed at the school, their surviving family and friends, AND Nancy and Adam Lanza, and THEIR surviving family and friends. </p>

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<p>All the time I waste on CC is worth it to read something as moving and educating as Emaheevul07’s last post. Thank you so much for that gift. You should work it into an op ed and see if someone will publish it.</p>

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<p>Rainman is my main source of autism:) I never associated autism with violence. Quite the opposite. But I see the point much like we are calling out terrorism in the missing Malaysian airplane case as soon as we heard Iran.</p>

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<p>^^ I agree, JHS. Superb and very helpful post, Emaheevulo7</p>

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<p>The article about Peter Lanza was very interesting. </p>

<p>If ever a tragedy would cause some real changes to be made in the gun-control laws, this Newtown tragedy was the one. While the VT massacre involved more deaths, there were not tug-on-the-heartstrings-young-children involved in Newtown. But even the Newtown tragedy didn’t cause any significant changes in the laws. </p>

<p>Civil liberties rule, above all else. By golly no one will limit the ability of Americans to own guns (or the kinds of guns). And better the deaths of many people rather than one person be institutionalized/treated against their will for mental illness who shouldn’t have been. </p>

<p>This is the America of today. </p>

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<p>I agree about Emaheevul07’s post - very moving and I learned from it.</p>

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<p>CTTC: I might be willing to let one, or a dozen, people be institutionalized and treated against their wills in order to prevent the deaths that occurred in Newtown. But I fear it would not be one, or dozens, but tens of thousands or more. Awful as Newtown was, I am not ready to do that. Our governments have simply been terrible, unforgivable, in their warehousing and inadequate treatment of the mentally ill in the not-so-distant past. Just this past weekend, the article in the New York Times about the men who were effectively indentured to a turkey processor in Iowa for decades made me cry.</p>

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<p>Just too complicated. Even if you’re suspicious that doesn’t foretell tragedy. But I would NOT have kept guns. That said, she was a gun fan, I’m very much not anyway.</p>

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<p>I tell ya…my son was a freshman at Va Tech in April 2007. We talked about it quite a bit. In the end I told him that a crazy person is going to do what they’re going to do no matter what. We can talk things to death but unless the perp goes to someone and says “if you don’t lock me up right now, I’m going on campus and kill as many people as I can find” and shows his guns and that person gets put into a mental ward to try to sort things out, it is going to happen. We are all sitting ducks…wrong place, wrong time.</p>

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<p>Did the mother have friends and family? Did she socialize? The article mentioned something one friend said, but were there others who wondered and worried about the situation? </p>

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<p>I haven’t had a chance to read all the pages in this thread, but I did read the article. Wonderful to hear the dad’s perspective of the challenges of raising a son like Adam Lanza.</p>

<p>As I read, I kept wondering how my son didn’t end up like his did. They started with lots of similarities. At which point did my son turn outwardly, while Adam turned inwardly? I think the biggest mistake the family made in dealing with Adam was allowing him to stay at home from school. I mean, why would they do that? Doesn’t someone who struggles to relate to others need the MOST number of opportunities to relate to others? Sure there were problems in having my son go off to school, but school is still far more helpful than trying to avoid the problems in the first place. Not only that, but by homeschooling, they allowed Adam to dictate the situation. Here’s this kid who isn’t getting along with others, so the family keeps him home? And look at later examples of Adam’s obsessions evolve: With his mother having to have conversations with her son, who has put black bags over the window, through a door! Then, when the mother goes away for a weekend, he kills her the day after she returns. </p>

<p>So when did Adam’s issues really start to appear? It’s so very sad to read parts of his early childhood because for awhile, and everyone everything was happy. He got to play with his brother. He enjoyed interesting conversations with his father. His parents were still together. Life should have stopped then. To me, that’s why Adam went back to his elementary school. He didn’t want to grow up.</p>

<p>To Adam, it all started to fall apart by middle school. His routines were disrupted. He had to switch classes and experienced all sorts of different teachers. Kids seemed mean because they were growing up and didn’t have the supervision they had in elementary classes plus hormones. My guess is that Adam was a ‘late developer’ and that made it even worse. Instead of working with the teachers who saw Adam day-to-day, they closed the door. Worse was that the mother tried to do everything herself. Sure she and his father went to specialists as they grappled with a diagnosis, but they ignored the best help that was available to them: keep him in school. </p>

<p>There was a time when I truly worried about my own son. And there was good cause. He was obsessed about guns. Drawing guns in particular fortunately; we don’t have any guns. Middle school, for him too, saw lots of changes. That’s when he switched schools. That’s when the kids became true bullies, especially in the hallways. My son yearned for happier days. I remember once I had taken my son shopping for clothes and on the way back from the dressing room, he spotted an adorable outfit, size 3T, that my kids might have worn. My son asked if I could buy for his youngest brother. But eerily, his brother was already 8 years old. Why did he pick out an outfit that clearly wasn’t his brother’s current size or style, I wondered. He said he wanted to go back to the days when he was little and people were nice.</p>

<p>The good news for him is that he stayed in school. It was a challenge sometimes, but we knew even then: school provides a lot of benefits including academic growth and emotional growth. That’s something Adam was missing.</p>

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<p>It is not particularly helpful (to me), to second guess another family or situation. None of us really can know what was going on and why one path was chosen rather than another. </p>

<p>I feel like a broken record but firmly believe we as a nation need to devote more resources to effective options and help for folks with mental health issues, preferably at much younger ages as well as after they reach their teen years and beyond. We as a nation really have very little that is offered families dealing with mental health issues. There is so much stigma attached and so much misunderstanding. Many of the medications are very “hit and miss,” and the kid/family may not be interested in trying another med/treatment plan when the first/second/third has bad side effects.</p>

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<p>I don’t think we have enough information to know whether it was a good idea to pull him out of school. I wonder if he would have just shot up his own school instead. I’m a lot more “high functioning” than Adam and continued exposure to school never made me any better. It was like having a bucket of acid dumped over my head every day, a constant emotional and sensory assault. Going to work today was not much different. I just don’t have anything else wrong with me, and I’m physically capable of coping, so I suffer silently. Given how much he apparently struggled, I find it doubtful he could have been successful in any school without a special education program the likes of which I’ve never seen. The idea that going to school would somehow have helped him doesn’t seem realistic to me. Do you realize how hopeless school is for most kids with mental and learning disorders? If they and their parents can’t drag them through on their own they don’t stand a chance in most schools. Resorting to home schooling is a common occurrence after trying and failing to find a better solution. </p>

<p>I agree the isolation was bad for both of them, but the school being the solution is a joke. </p>