I think part of the problem that someone like myself can have when it comes to identity and heritage like the OP and others have posted, is that our identity is so different. I am literally a mutt, in that my father was Italian (he was born there, but his real allegiance I think was to the Bronx and the Yankees lol), my mom was a mix of British and German with some other bits and pieces, and my family was not the least bit religious (someone asked me what my family’s religion was, I said antagonistic, and that was pretty much close to the truth).
It is also very, very hard to understand what it is like to be Jewish and what through so much in history it meant to be a Jew, it was a history where their basic survival meant constantly having only themselves, they were the consumate outsiders, feared, hated, at times tolerated (ironically by the supposedly hostile Muslims, at a time when Catholic Europe treated Jews lower than dogs, they were living in places like Grenada and were treated at least somewhat decently, it is telling that when Isabella and Ferdinand took back Grenada from the Moors, their first act was the kick out the jews living there). People talk about the “Chosen” people as some sort of arrogant boast, when quite frankly it was one of the things that kept the Jews going through pretty horrible things. The community you see with Jews, where the whole community is supposed to be responsible for others, came of that, it is something few can really understand I think. I am sure there have been and are arrogant Jews who have an attitude of superiority, there are ultra orthodox Jews I have met who I suspect feel that way, not nice people to deal with, but that is not what Judaism is about. It is ironic that a group that has been so persecuted, mistreated, who have faced anti semitism and sadly today are facing it again in its old haunts, countries like France and Eastern Europe are once again hotbeds of it, are as a group of people often have been some of the first trying to help others, take a look at charitable foundations in this country, and groups trying to help various ills, cure them, and Jews are often over represented in numbers, and that isn’t exactly what I would expect from a group who thought they were superior. The Chosen people as a sign of arrogance has often been used by anti semites against Jews, and quite frankly it makes me sick to think there are still a-holes who think like that.
I will be the first to admit that I don’t like tribalism, I have a lot of problems with religion and its heating up of that tribalism, I don’t particularly respect the idea of ethnic purity, of clannishness and such, I think the world would be a lot better place is human beings simply identified as that, my son has dated girls of other racial and ethnic groups, and all I care about is that they be a good person and do the right thing and keep my son in line lol. However, I also understand the feelings of rockvillemom and others who have posted on here, and I respect them, these are good people who were expressing their opinions and I sense none of the arrogance or looking at others as ‘not good enough’ for their kids, rather they are expressing their feelings and fears about what a kid marrying outside the faith might mean, there was nothing mean about it, nothing arrogant about it, and from what I know of these posters from being on here a while, I doubt very much they would treat a non Jewish spouse or the kids as anything but a member of the family, and that what is important.
I just hope that the posters and others who would post their feelings on here don’t feel dissuaded because some people don’t get where they are coming from. My advice to @rockvillecentermom and others would be to talk to their kids about this and also maybe compromise a bit, that if they marry outside the faith it would be important to you that the kids know of their family’s faith and history and culture and traditions, a lot of very secular Jews I know still are careful that their kids are immersed in the culture and history so they can pass it down:).
What I would say to some of those who are criticizing @rockvillecentermom and others that in my experience the arrogance they are talking about is not particularly endemic around Jews, that tends to be the hallmark of fundamentalist Christians and the uber Catholics, both of whom tend to believe their faith is the only true faith and at best any other faith is ‘second class’ (and before someone argues with me, official Catholic teaching is that only Catholicism is ‘perfect’, that other Christians faiths and non Christian faiths are necessarily imperfect; on the other hand, many Catholics see that for what it is and ignore it and see Catholicism as simply good for them), I have never heard from a Jew, ultra reform to ultra orthodox, that I was going to hell because I wasn’t of their faith, I certainly have heard that from a lot of Christians, what I tend to hear from Jews is that what is important is how I live my life and treat others, the rest, as H’lel said, ‘is commentary’.