<p>Oh- was I criticizing?
I was making a point that young women who aren’t dating in high school, may not be doing so be cause they are * uninteresting*, but rather because their dating pool is too smal. ( and maybe unimaginative?)</p>
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<p>Sounds like attributes to be proud of from my side of the table.</p>
<p>I think gravitysrainbow provided a valuable perspective. It’s not what we, as middle-aged parents, find attractive that’s the issue. The issue is what young men find attractive or what puts them off. Because at the bottom of it, the young woman is not happy with the situation and it seems that she’s interested in dating young men, not moms!</p>
<p>but I would be interested in * why she isn’t happy*
Is it because her peers are paired up and she feels left out?
Is it because her friend is a tease and a flirt and plays with her head?
Is it because she is interested in someone else, but doesn’t feel comfortable asking him out?
Or is it because there isn’t anyone she is interested in ( besides the tease) and she fears there never will be?</p>
<p>I feel like the various replies making negative insinuations about either people who start dating* early or start dating late are off the mark. It’s about the person. Like I said upthread, I didn’t date until I was 21. My little sister started at 13, I think. Neither of us took our particular route because we were damaged or had a bad relationship with our father (we are both very close to our father, actually). There wasn’t a big maturity gap between us at the same age. We just approached the issue differently, and both of us were happy with our own approaches.</p>
<p>I agree with z-mom and others, the problem here is that the daughter is unhappy with her situation. I still think that it would make sense to find out if there are any specific boys that she might be interested in, and if so, encourage her to ask one out.</p>
<p>*In my world, “dating”/“going out” may or may not have anything to do with “dates” - it’s a general shorthand for “being in a relationship”, as in “X and Y have been dating for six years.” But going on dates can also be part of “dating”, and a potential precursor to the more serious, committed, part.</p>
<p>I think young girls may go through a phase where they wonder what is wrong with them for not dating. Then they realize there is nothing wrong with them; my D realized there was no one attractive to her at her school, the “It” guys, which she liked in junior high school but now thinks are simpletons, are only looking for the “It” girl to raise their own profile, the girl with 2,000 pictures of herself on Facebook, or someone that they know will put out (or someone who knits themselves matching mittens and scarves. D knits, but for other people, not herself). I think the OPs D is a junior, and she will grow a lot before becoming a senior, and recognize it for what it’s worth.</p>
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That’s exactly it, and mom telling her that “I think you’re wonderful and it’s their loss” doesn’t do anything for her.</p>
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Right, which is all part of the same thing. You probably talked to your daughter and, more importantly, listened to what she had to say. That’s what needs to happen here.</p>
<p>lol it’s funny how my anecdote has seemingly gained a meaning of it’s own. I don’t know if you guys/girls are using it facetiously, seriously, or if I’m just reading into it too much (I just pulled an all-nighter so my reading comprehension is skewered), but it’s not some sort of allegory for kinky, unabashed sex. She actually knit, and I actually found it to be attractive. Either way, the bottom line is that some girls (and a lot of people in general) are either (a) uninteresting, or (b) lack the confidence to display their interesting traits/hobbies; and if you ask me, there’s a significant connection between that and a lack of dating experience. That just happens to be my opinion as part of the relevant demographic.</p>
<p>Interesting and good looking are two different things. You may not want to go on a second date if the person is not interesting. You may get the first date if you are good looking. I think OP’s daughter is still wondering why she does not get the first date.</p>
<p>Whole situation is still better in comparison to 20 years old who has no desire to date at all.</p>
<p>^Miami, sounds like my niece, 21, very attractive, very smart, and talented. I think pre-med courses have something to do with it.</p>
<p>MiamiDAP, I don’t really see a problem with that. If she doesn’t mind, there is no problem. :)</p>
<p>I frequent this discussion site as well as one for young widows/widowers. And this dating discussion is pretty much the same on both. People delving back into the dating pool after 20 years might as well be 16 again. And gravitysrainbow’s perspective would be useful on that site too. Too many attractive boring people writing generic profiles on internet dating sites that don’t understand why they aren’t attracting attention. And yet the quirky, positive sounding folks are getting more than they can deal with.</p>
<p>Interesting thread that has developed. It certainly has opened up a bunch of discussion between daughter and I. You know my husband and I have interesting conversations sometimes about why men cheat on their wives (spurred by friends who’s marriages have been rocked by infidelity, as was my first marriage) and he has some very interesting insights that I have seen reflected on this thread. To him, men have two very separate attraction patterns. One pattern is that they search for a women who they visualize will be a good wife and mother. Beautiful, yet modest, loving, giving caring, stable. They also like the “excitable” women who are dating material, just not marriage material. Now as a women I believe a woman can be both, yet in his man world men view them as separate situations. Now he admits as he ages, he realizes that you can have both in one package and if men would embrace the sexy side of their wives, infidelity would possibly decline.</p>
<p>As for our daughter I believe she is a mix of beauty, wonderful sense of humor, and out going personality and really is just beyond the appreciation of her high school peers. I find it interesting all the “looks” she gets at the hospital from young doctors an interns who find her funny and interesting and dedicated to her love of medicine. Of course she is way too young for the young to mid 20 set, but as see gets older she will come into her dating own.</p>
<p>Collegeshopping, you’re SO right! I look at the girls who are popular with boys in my son’s HS class…alot of them are pretty showy, LOUD, and flirtatious. That gets attention at 16 because boys are immature and these girls are easy to "be"with, but a daughter like yours may take someone with more maturity to appreciate. I’m not saying girls with BF’s in HS are ALL like that, just some anecdotal observations. (and I have an 8th grade daughter who I actually hope won’t be dating in HS. No rush, no rush…plenty of time for that later.)</p>
<p>^That very well might be. Pre-med here also + 2 minors and tons of other staff, including MCAT prep class 2 times / week.</p>
<p>^Ops, above post was reply to "Miami, sounds like my niece, 21, very attractive, very smart, and talented. I think pre-med courses have something to do with it. "</p>
<p>I think it’s great that you recognize how beautiful and special your daughter is and I’m sure you’re right that her true peers will catch up with her. But if, as you indicated in the first post, she is feeling frustrated, please make sure she knows that you respect her feelings and validate them.</p>
<p>Zoo…I 100% do that. It is not rare for me to flat out say, “honey, I know this sucks, and I can’t promise you it will get better this week, next week or next month.” Most girls want the “fairy tale” of a romantic prom date, the beautiful gown, great dancing, etc. Maybe it is not in the cards for her (they are already selling prom bids at school which is what I believe started the whole the cycle). I know she is feeling disappointed. We are actually going to do some ball gown shopping in Las Vegas over the holiday break for the purpose of having some beautiful photos with her instrument as well as a part of senior pix. It will be a bonus to her if she gets wear it prom. If she goes with “just girls” she will be fine, but I am sure there will be nagging disappointment. I will be here no matter what. I have so much love for that child and my other seven…but she is so easy to love!</p>
<p>other seven!!! Oh my God!</p>
<p>Good luck to you. I can’t imagine.</p>
<p>"alot of them are pretty showy, LOUD, and flirtatious. That gets attention at 16 because boys are immature and these girls are easy to “be"with,”</p>
<p>It’s also because many of the boys are shy. It’s hard when one gender is expected to make all of the romantic approaches. Saying this as the mom of a very nice, but still shy, young man who probably is very much like his dad was when young. His dad didn’t start dating until college, and then it was very rarely. He didn’t really have a girlfriend until after grad school. He’s a nice, sociable but nonpartying guy – was h.s. class VP, valedictorian, head of a couple of other clubs, and was on a sports team and in a music group, but was shy when it came to romantic advances.</p>
<p>S, 21, is very similar – has lots of friends of both genders and is very active in clubs, but is shy approaching girls romantically. He also doesn’t drink at all, so doesn’t use alcohol to boost his assertiveness with girls, as some guys do.</p>
<p>I hope that he eventually will meet a nice girl with my kind of assertiveness. H and I were coworkers on the night shift when I asked him for a ride home (He lived around the corner from me), and once in the car, I suggested that we go out to dinner – dutch treat. I was literally being friendly, though I did think he was a nice guy. That, however, was the start of our romance.</p>