Advice

Parent Cafe
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<p>I just found this post and wanted to give you {{{hugs}}}.</p>

<p>I’m not sure I have anything to add to what’s been said, although my head is swirling with thoughts. You’ve been given a lot of good advice here – wait to talk to her, don’t go to police at least until you’ve had the chance to talk to her, get dh and yourself on same page, get counseling, seriously consider option of having her live with grandma. </p>

<p>But one question that I don’t remember being answered is, Is grandma OK with zgirl’s behavior? Would she be willing to take her in? You’ve said she’s strong and patient, but is she fully aware of what’s going on?</p>

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<p>Just a couple of thoughts for zoosermom…</p>

<p>Wow, our children have captured our hearts and rightly so; it’s just so hard when life gets really complicated. I felt like such a great parent when they were younger; that’s what I was made for. But I feel so unsure a lot of times in how to parent teenagers and how to guide them through this age of discovery, independence, etc. I think I have the beginnings of an ulcer from the worry of it all. Especially when an event occurs that really brings home how precious and fleeting life is, these are important things we do.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Remember that many very good people who later went on to lead very good productive lives had some wildness in their late teens and early twenties. It can be a very tumultuous time as young people learn about themselves, try to find their place in the world, understand the meaning of life, etc. Not everyone has or is struggling, but for those who do, it can feel very lonely and scary. So many young people today seem like they know just what they want to do and are achieving it. That’s got to be intimidating to the ones who are just starting to know themselves.</p></li>
<li><p>Sometimes children are careless in what they leave laying around that they know can be found. Sometimes it might just be careless/lazy, but sometimes it is a cry for help: save me from myself.</p></li>
<li><p>My own belief is that we are entrusted with the soul of “this” particular child for two reasons: one is what we can bring to that child and one is what that child will bring to us. We become better people all around when we expeience a deep crisis. Better for ourselves, our families, often times for our communities. It is in what that child brings to us and how we are able to respond that we will bring about change in them and in ourselves. Not everything is bad; most of it is good, very good.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Hang in there. I have great confidence in you and H’s ability to handle the situation in a fair, meaningful way that is appropriate to your family’s situation. You are on the right path: holding off until she gets back, getting all of your ducks in a row until then with the counselor, etc., getting information (I’m big on exploring lots of options and gathering information). I would worry about the legalities and telling the friends until you, H and DD get things all ironed out. You may find out that everything is not as it seems. I would suggest that the younger sibilings not be a part of this. Instead, a catchup time with them later to explain (in overview) actions, reactions, consequences; I think you may have more honesty and openess without having to tailor what is said in front of the siblings. They should know the overview at a minimum later. </p>

<p>I do send out my thoughts and prayers to you, and that peace will settle over and aournd you and your family so that in peace you will be able to get things set right in all of your lives from here going forward.</p>

<p>Love and hugs!</p>

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<p>Hey Zooser,</p>

<p>{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}} to you and I am sorry that this is happening to you. I am glad that you have had the gift of time to take a step back from the raw emotion of finding out what your daughter did. I know that it is not an easy when you come to the realization that someone you love has violated your trust in them and through their thoughts, words or deeds has done something that is contrary to the values and ethical code that you and zooserdad has set in place for your family.</p>

<p>You have probably gone through a whole range of emotions over the past couple of days and what ever decision you make will not be an easy one. I totally agree that you and z-dad must think about how zoosergirl’s actions wil affect your younger children (especially your youngest). I also understand your concern over some of the things that she has done in your home, because it does compromise or endanger your other children (especially if her actions lead to an ACS case that could possibly have the 2 younger children removed from your home). I understand that you are looking to talk to the police, but I would also recommend getting the advice of a lawyer too to protect your younger children in making sure that z-girl’s actions don’t affect them. I commend you for doing whatever you feel you have to do to save your child in the long run.</p>

<p>Yes, it has been a rough year in your house, but hang in there because one thing is abundantly clear; you are a good mom and you love your family. Please do not lose sight of this!</p>

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<p>zm, I hope that you were able to get some sleep last night.</p>

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<p>ZM–</p>

<p>Just one thought…is there any chance that your D’s decision to come home and go to CUNY is related to these activities? Is there a chance that the real reason she wanted to return was to be able to continue whatever she is doing?</p>

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<p>Jonri, no it really isn’t because the kids with whom she engages in these behaviors are leaving next week and I can document with certainty the medical issues and the problem with her major. I think it’s exactly the opposite. She feels that she was forced to make a change she didn’t want and is going to lash out at us as a result.</p>

<p>I’ve since found out that another escapade is planned for this weekend. I don’t know what to do. If I pretend not to know and someone gets hurt I couldn’t live with myself, and if they get arrested for their stupidity, their lives will be ruined. Ugggggghhhhhhh! I need chocolate.</p>

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<p>maybe an anonymous letter to the party hosts informing them that the cops have been informed there will be underage drinking at their house this weekend?</p>

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<p>ZM, you are in my thoughts. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I recommend Ritter Sport Dark Chocolate with Hazelnuts.</p>

<p>Do you have a sense for how the police in your town would deal with this kind of situation? Ideally they would give the kids a good scare but save the big guns for the parents that allow this to occur under their roof. What about asking your therapist or someone who has had experience with the interaction between the police and teenagers in your town? If I were faced with this the first person I would call/email for advice would be our school district’s psychologist, as he has seen it all over the years.</p>

<p>Sounds like whatever living situation you decide on, continuing therapy, both individual and family, should be part of the equation. I also vote for a physical checkup. I recall that after I got mono it took me a full year to start feeling like myself again. Also, I’m pretty sure that mono was the trigger for Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, which wasn’t diagnosed until quite a few years later. On top of feeling angry, depressed, etc. due to the illness and change of school, ZG may not be feeling quite up to snuff physically.</p>

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<p>When I was younger, so many moons ago, 18 was the legal drinking age. So often, I use that as a gauge for how seriouslly I take wrongdoing.</p>

<p>For instance, if I found out my kid was doing something NOW that is illegal, but was legal back when I was young, I would handle it differently, so long as there was no driving involved.</p>

<p>I am not saying this if for ZMs family, just what my perspective is. Something else I think about as well, when our kids are in college, we really have no idea what they are doing. We think we do, but we don’t, and our little angels may be doing all kinds of things we just shudder to think about.</p>

<p>I do think while they are living at home, they have to respect us as parents, but at the same time, they are adults. My point is this, they will do stuff that is icky, and we can micromanage their lives, and set very strong boundaries. That is our choice and its their choice to live at home.</p>

<p>I do think, however, is that we as parents do have to let go of the image of the ideal child we have, and the expectations that they will always keep our values. For instance, there are some parents who will kick out their child if they date “outside” their race, tell them they are gay (our city if FILLED with young people kicked out for those very reasons- they didn’t live the “moral” life their parents wanted and are now on the streets). </p>

<p>I guess I am trying to say this, ZM, before you do something really drastic and make ultimatums, which you have every right to do, it is your home, really decide what you are really angry about. If these same events happened in our day, when the legal age was 18, would you be reacting the same way, if the “illegal” portion was no in the picture, as it was not in the picture when I was in college, and I bet when you were 18-19, would you have the same reaction?</p>

<p>If so, fair enough. But it is something to consider.</p>

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<p>"I’ve since found out that another escapade is planned for this weekend. I don’t know what to do. If I pretend not to know and someone gets hurt I couldn’t live with myself, and if they get arrested for their stupidity, their lives will be ruined. "</p>

<p>People’s lives aren’t ruined for being arrested for underaged drinking.</p>

<p>People’s lives are ruined if they are maimed or killed due to something related to underaged drinking.</p>

<p>Seems like just anonymously letting the police know would be the best thing to do.</p>

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<p>Something you could do is send a letter to the homes where the parties are, saying something to this effect: (if the parents are still around to get it)</p>

<p>Hey, can’t WAIT for the party!! Where should we have the keg delivered? Hope you don’t mind, but we invited some kids from ABC HS to come as well. They have the BEST dope.</p>

<p>I have reported parties in my local park to the police and leave my name and everything.</p>

<p>ZM- my post was to give food for thought. I sense that when the time comes, you well do what is best for your family and your daughter. I usually don’t have issues with 19 year olds hanging out and having a few beers watching tv and playing pool and just chilling, I did it my wife did it, and we survived. But that is very different from wild parties with 15 year olds, driving, and binge drinking- there is a difference in my mind, and you know your situation best.</p>

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<p>zm, Your family is in crisis, and I gather that the major responsibility for dealing with it falls to you. I think that all your emotional resources are going to be needed to help your daughter and deal with this situation. If I were you, I would stop doing whatever you did to get the information about the upcoming escapade. (I am assuming that your daughter will not be participating!) Once you have the information, you will feel compelled to do something about it, or guilty if you don’t do anything and something bad happens. The escapades in the other houses are not your problem now that these people are out of your daughter’s life, and worrying about them will only distract you from the situation you must focus on now.</p>

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<p>It would have been illegal in any era. The alcohol is just part of the picture. The fuel?</p>

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<p>Regardless of whether your D is home by this weekend, I would urge you now to go to the police. I’m not sure whether the parents will be present while this is occuring, or if they have plans to be away.</p>

<p>I’m surmising that part of your issue with your D has been consuming alcohol and driving (your proposal to revoke driving privileges makes me think this).</p>

<p>If I’m correct, these kids will be doing the same thing. Personally, with this knowledge I could not sit idle. Seeing one of the offenders involved in a mv accident is bad enough; potentially taking innocents along with them is a distinct possibility.</p>

<p>You are potentially saving life or limb here. Food for thought.</p>

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<p>ZM,
Do get some individual therapy for yourself. Based on my experience several years ago with older S (I accidentally found his blog and learned that he was living a lifestyle involving heavy partying and other things like driving drunk that were very against our family values. I then started obsessively reading the blog very day and becoming more and more concerned and worried about what to do. The situation was compounded by the fact that S was a very young adult who was living several thousands of miles away), I imagine that you may be carrying the family’s burden of anxiety about your D. You also may be wracked with misplaced guilt wondering where you dropped the ball on parenting.</p>

<p>While family counseling certainly could be helpful, there’s a good chance that you could benefit greatly from individual counseling. If I hadn’t had that, I doubt that I would still be alive. I think the stress and grief would have killed me.</p>

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<p>I’m with Violadad on this - I couldn’t sit by either. You wouldn’t be able to forgive yourself if someone was hurt because of drunken behavior in a car. It doesn’t even have to be someone in a car - several years ago a neighbor’s son driving close to 100 mph jumped a barrier and crashed into someone’s living room. Thankfully no permanent damage to any humans, but it could have been much worse.</p>

<p>It occurred to me that based on what I have heard about the wild parties in our area, if it were my daughter I would want her to be tested for STD’s, whether or not you think she has been involved in any risky sexual activity. Something to discuss with the therapist, as you can’t very well force her to go see a gynecologist.</p>

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<p>I agree with violadad and marinmom about notifying police.</p>

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<p>Wow. I think that’s a great idea. A high school guidance counselor, police/school liaison (my son’s school has a police officer assigned to the school full time), parent liaison… all of these people would, I expect, be able to offer some guidance and may be able to act as the go-between.</p>

<p>:: files the idea away in case she ever needs it ::</p>

<p>I also like the suggestion for Ritter Sport Dark Chocolate with Hazelnuts, and hope you have some, ZM!</p>

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<p>If you have discovered that an event involving these dangerous activities is planned for next weekend, I would suggest first calling the parents at whose house it will take place and telling them. If you are not satisfied that they will take steps to prevent it, <em>then</em> I would call the police.</p>

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<p>You may want to touch base with an attorney, before even thinking of notifying authorities, zoosermom. If zgirl can be implicated in any of the illegal “escapades” (and she is over 18, so she’s no more kid in terms of potential consequences), this can come back to bite her, even though she’s currently out of town. At least find out and know what you are dealing with - school officials may be obligated to report, regardless of what’s in the best interests of the young people involved.</p>

<p>I would consider talking to the other parents if the circumstances are such that you really can’t justify not saying anything. You can always take it a step further. Not so easy to do the reverse.</p>