For all the horror stories out there, there are 10x as many stories of people acting ethically, honestly and consistent with their life-longer character throughout their divorces. I trust fauxmaven’s judgment when she says her husband is not going to steal from her in the event of divorce.
Just don’t want FM’s next thread to be “my husband cleaned me out financially”.
And this could happen!
I strongly second this as IF it turns out your belief in his being the most ethical honest man is misplaced, it’d likely already be too late to act.
The strong belief the divorce-initiating spouse will be ethical and honest has been the downfall of many divorce non-initiate spouses when that belief proves to be misplaced.
It’s much harder to remedy the effects of the divorce initiating spouse’s hiding and moving assets after it has been accomplished than it is to prevent it in the first place from seeing what transpired in several friends’ divorce cases.
Another thing to think about is if your H starts “consulting” with attorneys in the area…even if he doesn’t hire them means they are likely to be conflicted out due to conflict-of-interest. Some posters here on other threads have mentioned this being used as one strategy to make it hard for one’s soon-to-be-ex to hire his/her own divorce attorneys in the local/regional vicinity.
FM, Please listen to the advice you are getting here. See an attorney, the best, most experienced divorce attorney in your area, for two reasons.
1-if it comes to divorce, and I truly hope it doesn’t if that is what you want, you each will need your own representation. You will need to understand the usual accommodations your state law provides for a SAH spouse, as well as the possibilities.
2-once one party has discussed the case with an attorney, they are ethically obligated to recuse themselves from representation of the other party. You will want to be sure the best attorney is on your team. I had a friend find this out the hard way when seeking counsel.
Your husband may well be wonderful, but you can be sure his attorney will negotiate the best scenario for his/her client. You deserve the same consideration.
I can count on ONE hand the threads on this forum where everyone who posts agrees. This is one of them.
See a lawyer.
“Unless you are sure there is enough money…” Means in hand or in your name only. Otherwise you’re not protected.
What’s really going on?
I understand that someone can be the most ethical person you have ever known. My sister is that person. She was the executor for my parents’ estates and I never had a single concern about her dealing with things in an above board manner. I would trust my sister with all of my assets. And I’m taking @fauxmaven’s word that her husband is one of those people.
Nevertheless, there is absolutely no harm in having a consultation with an attorney, just for your own protection.
I’ve been staying off this thread, but I feel compelled to jump on. I bet fm’s dh is an overall good guy. If not, I don’t think she’d still speak so kindly of him after the actions of the past few weeks. I have a friend whose dh left her once their only child went to college. Things hadn’t been sexual for a while, and he admitted that he was gay. A great dad, nice guy, good provider, but he had secrets the whole time.
I mean, all the time we tell people – women, especially – that it’s better to be alone than in a bad relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. I can see her dh deciding that he’d like to give alone a try. Or maybe there is someone else. But I don’t think we have to vilify him for wanting a change. True, he could have been more tactful, but he has the right to live the life he wants, even if it hurts others.
fm, can you talk about how your family finances are structured now? Over my dh’s objections, I insisted from Day One that we have his, mine and ours accounts. How have y’all done it?
I, for one, have a brother who was extremely generous to his ex when he was going through a divorce. In fact, as the financials were being settled, he made sure to set her up with a financial advisor to help her make the most out the money she was getting in the settlement. They are practically a textbook case of how to behave respectfully during a divorce - it was during the marriage that he would NOT have been a textbook case on how to behave in a marriage, and he openly admits it.
But I’ll bet my ex sister-in-law had an attorney of her own, which was wise.
Mmm… not among people I know. Neighbor across the street, her ex served her with papers through the mail with no warning. He is a physician, and she trusted him too much in the process and pretty much got screwed financially. He seemed like a stand up guy (she thought so, too), until it was time to establish a household with someone he had “found chemistry” with. My ex thought he was going to get the house, the kids, the lions share of the retirement accounts, AND that I would pay him alimony. He, too, had another “chemistry” interest. Needless to say, he got none of those things. Guys aren’t thinking with the nice part of their brains when they leave their wives for “chemistry” reasons, and they can rationalize all to be their ex’s fault AND then rationalize some more that they earned or are owed whatever they are trying to take.
I would trust my husband to be financially fair as well. That’s the kind of guy he is. I don’t understand why there is no physical intimacy in this situation. If you are going to stay together, I would think that needs to change.
It’s not about being nice or not nice. Once FM’s husband gets a lawyer, wheels will start turning and the husband will have someone looking out for his interests, not FauxMaxen’s. She needs someone protecting her interests because they are not the same. It doesn’t mean the situation has to turn ugly, but one doesn’t enter into a legal matter without representation and expect a good outcome, even if both sides are completely ethical.
If he is so fine and upstanding he should want you to be protected.
I’m sorry it’s come to this. I have only one person I know who has divorced and they made a pact to never speak ill of each other in front of the children and for many years lived in the same neighborhood to make it easier on the kids. However once he got remarried he tried to squirm out of paying for the kids college how it was set up in their divorce agreement. When they went to court, he ended up having to pay more.
At least make copies of all the bank accounts, statements from financial institutions. Copy taxes from past years.
I’ve known men who begin having their own accounts a few years prior to mentioning a divorce. The trail is cold, especially if the account is in another country.
You may be right in that your particular spouse has integrity, and then you can use a mediator. Buts before that, speak privately with an attorney to learn what you need to do NOW.
I disagree on the lawyer advice. For most couples in a non-acrimonious divorce situation, I think the best plan is for a couple to AGREE when they are going to consult lawyers and to SIMULTANEOUSLY engage lawyers who are specifically identified as COLLABORATIVE divorce lawyers. Once one side has engaged a regular, typical cut-throat divorce lawyer, this option is off the table and the expenses and acrimony are at risk of becoming sky high.
My husband left me for another woman. We nonetheless managed to get through our entire divorce WITHOUT hiring attorneys, and by using a single, collaborative mediator to come up with a settlement before the divorce papers were even filed. We were both committed to dividing our assets fairly and as cheaply as possible. We made it out the other end with no acrimony over financial issues.
I think the hardest thing in fauxmaven’s position if there is a divorce will be to figure out the spousal support issues if her husband is still working. Otherwise, as far as existing assets, just figure on dividing everything in half. It helps if you are in a community property state since that’s basically tge law anyway for most couples who have been married 30 years.
(And as far as forensic accounts went – I certainly was NOT interested in spending 10s of thousands of dollars down every dime that my husband had spent on the girlfriend.)
I respectfully disagree, nottelling. I think fauxmaven should consult with a lawyer and get a sense of what she should be considering. It absolutely does not mean the divorce will become acrimonious, in fact exactly the opposite. It allows her to know what questions to ask and what to look out for. Do we absolutely know that the husband hasn’t sought counsel?
Sorry, Nottelling, but FM’s spouse has already said hurtful remark to her in counseling. A truly nice guy would not have done that. I never suggested she hire and pay a retainer for a barracuda, just that she do dilegence in learning what assets they have.
Someone upthread said “there was 100% agreement on the lawyer issue.” I thought it was important to let fauxmaven know that was not true – there is not 100% agreement. I already know that most of you disagree with me.
It doesn’t matter if he is a great guy or a heel. Yeah, maybe they can settle things in peace. BUT. The unknown. A lawyer doesn’t always have to come out with sharp teeth.
I don’t necessarily think she should retain someone with an eye toward divorce, unless he already has, but a consultation to clarify issues, rights and obligations can be a very good thing.