If you don’t see an attorney, I WOULD make copies of all the financial papers…taxes, bank accounts, credit card statements, investment statements, anything and everything. Put them somewhere safe just in case.
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I know who quit having sex with his wife after she refused to have her tubes tied when their 5th kid was born “because (she’d) already be in the hospital.” And I know how long she put up with it before she filed for divorce.
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I wonder why HE didn’t get snipped?
I second @momofthreeboys ’ advice, except that you should do this whether or not you see an attorney. Start tomorrow morning. It’s that important.
Well, do you want to wait and see if he’s such a nice guy, after all? You want FM to take that chance because one or two had satisfactory experiences or think most divorces are easy? And wait to maybe find out he’s not as agreeable and kind after all? Or let her consult a pro and then if things are sweet, fine. That’s what CYA is about: being prepared.
And if you do sit back and assume, FM, then what?
I think there’s a big difference between divorces where both spouses have “real jobs”…and divorces where one spouse has been “homemaker”.
Even if the H intends to be fair, unless the income is so high that he can easily support her and him in separate households, this will not likely end well once he sees how much he’ll have to give up.
There was a mom who posted on CC whose H made a very high income…very high…and at the beginning he insisted that he wanted her to get her fair share. Well that ended when he started seeing numbers in “black and white” and realized the overall impact to him.
Another vote to get an attorney. There is really too much at stake here. If DH is above board, all the better. Nothing much lost there. It’s kind of like getting fire insurance on your home. You really don’t expect to need it, you hope you never need it, but you still get it. You know, just in case.
Even if he is as kind and ethical as FauxMaven thinks, her husband won’t be looking out for the ways in which her best interests diverge from his. He will be looking at the situation through his own eyes, and if Fauxmaven isn’t informed enough to do the same, she could unintentionally be harmed. He knows what he’s done, what he knows, what he is planning. FauxMaven doesn’t really know any of that and would be well served to get some sense of what she should be considering specifically for her own security. He may be the greatest guy in the world, but if no one is asking the right questions for FauxMaven she won’t get the best answers.
I remember reading somewhere that sometimes that atty of the employed spouse will advise him (usually the H) to start depositing paychecks into an acct that only the employed spouse has access to …in order to “starve” the non-working spouse and forcing her to quickly accept terms that are less favorable to her. Without access to funds, it’s much harder for her to come up with the retainer to hire her own strong atty.
Not all spouses even know where all the money is or how much is in the 401k, investments or how the pension works. At the very least FM should do her best to try and find that out now rather than later. Even if they stay together it’s a good idea anyway since women usually out live men. My grandmother always took care of the bills and knew where the money was so when Grandfather died she was fine. MIL on the other hand didn’t have a clue FIL had always put money in a checking account to spend on groceries and stuff when he died DH had to figure all out for MIL.
FM you say you aren’t worried about the money. Does that mean you know where it all is and have access to everything?
Just thinking of my own case. H and I did our own divorce. Despite being awful the last few years of the marriage. he did believe in being fair, and it was a 50/50 split on paper. Did he hide money? Maybe, but what I received in the split, the house and subsequent child support was ok, enough to keep me able to work part time while my kids were young. We were able to have long talks at that time, negotiated time well, did holidays together with the kids, communicated fairly on the harder details. He had a gf, but I never saw her.
But, once a new and stronger partner came into the picture, that old companionability was toast. The worst of it was taking the kids jointly saved college money under his wing to invest, and then claiming it was “lost” in the market downturn around 2001. I trusted him, and had no way to prove a thing.
So, moral of the story. That good will you feel now, mixed with guilt in the conscientious protagonist, can dissolve once the bonds weaken, and a new partner becomes primary in the ex spouses’ life. Figure out fair, have the records to back it, and be the initiator in protecting your own interests. Right now, while things are still good. This is especially important, having been a SAHM.
Don’t know why I didn’t think about former love interest possibly having connected socially with FM’s H. This happened to two people I know, and both within a year of each other.
A friend with a 24 year marriage and a HS daughter still at home - HS daughter found the computer was on his FB page and found the info where this former GF was pursuing friend’s H. W knew about this gal when she was dating H. This gal is a little younger, has never married, and lives with her mother (kind of a pampered princess; works FT job but enjoys luxuries w/o having to spend money on housing etc). I guess she decided she now wanted my friend’s H, and she even told him she didn’t care that he had a W and kids. She wanted him.
H was like a dog in heat. He immediately started trying to hide assets. W even had the info on their OOT rendezvous - GF lived in a distant state. H had a business trip. So I guess that tryst fueled him to keep going on.
W was able to download the series of communications (H was an eng, but he acted like a dog in heat which I guess shut off his brain cells). She was able to forensically find all the money trail (forensic accountant). He had worked for a large corporation and they knew how to divide the retirement for long marriage.
One time H was trying to call GF and started talking like he was talking to GF - W and DD were driving in car and had the phone on speaker phone…
W knew it was over with H’s behavior very quickly. He even was very cold to DD for a time, and an obvious strain on relationship with children. H refused to help DD with college expenses.
W was able to get a favorable divorce settlement. She has a FA that she grew up with that put her on a ‘budget’. She since has been able to find a job she is happy with that has some more earning power than the job she had previously had. She had inherited money years earlier after the death of her parents, but had not kept that $$ separate from marital assets.
The months before the divorce were the worst because the H, W and DD all lived in the same house (W didn’t want the house). W and DD could hear the phone conversations between H and GF.
W and DD were able to move into a nice place right after the divorce, and DD was able to finish at her HS. W and kids were traumatized because of selfish behavior by H and his GF.
One of the gals my DD got to know at HS and became a college room-mate – her mother confided in me about what transpired with H. When one DD was in 8th grade and one a HS senior, H secretly took an apt that he ‘shared’ with his former GF and current love interest for trysts - she was cheating on a H too (and they had connected up with social media where the GF pursued the H). After a few months of this, H decided he wanted to go forward, and told W he wanted a divorce (that was the first she ‘officially’ knew). W was working PT in a scientific field, and fortunately she was able to move into full time work with her employer. W was able to get a decent enough split to move on - purchase a new home for herself. DDs are traumatized but trying to move forward. They all have to deal with the new reality.
FM - do you truly have a grasp on why H is thinking of divorce?
I know it is difficult with one foot on the dock and one foot in the boat, but are the two of you making efforts and any headway on the couples counseling? And if you are in individual therapy, what does your therapist think about your decision date?
The last few years, DH has been making incredible sums of money on his investments of our money. I am 50% owner of his business, so I sign off on all of them and know where everything is. We recently did extensive estate planning. When we are gone, our assets go into a trust. Stories like many in this thread make me very glad we have done this. We can’t keep our Ds from co-mingling the money they will receive in increments (and I wouldn’t want to do that, since our own marriage has been a financial partnership as well as personal), but in the event of a divorce, the principle in the trusts remains in the family, not subject to a divorce.
DH will get an inheritance from his mother, in a family trust started by his grandparents. If we were to divorce, that money would be protected and only accessible by DH or by our children. I have no problem with that.
It’s not always pleasant to talk about money in terms of a potential divorce, but it’s one of those necessary evils. You have to do it! Just like wills, living wills, directives to physicians, POAs, etc., responsible people look at these things, hoping for the best, but planning for the worst.
As a divorced attorney, I too urge you to see an attorney. Many county bar associations have a legal referral service that will allow you to consult an attorney for a minimal fee. Before seeing a mediator, it’s good to get a handle on what you are likely to get if the case went to trial. It’s a lot easier to negotiate if you know what you are “entitled” to.
Go to the meeting well prepared. Have all your financial documents in order and take them. You want to use your consultation time as efficiently as possible.
The H here may be completely ethical. That doesn’t mean he hasn’t investigated what the financial consequences of leaving will be. Because I’m divorced—with a heck of a lot of divorced friends—I’m cynical enough to think that the year to decide may be intended to be a year to line things up to his benefit.
@nottelling it all,worked out for you…but if it had not worked out…you would be singing a different tune, I bet.
I’ll retract my 100% agreement comment. It’s only 99%.
I agree…no need to become hostile. Ever. But getting if rotation on protecting your financial interests is important. It’s especially important because FM didn’t earn any of the miney siring the marriage.
Hoping she lives in a community property state.
Two of my favorites … Chris Stapleton and Gary Clark Jr!!!
ETA: And now Bonnie Raitt!!!
ETA: Oooops, wrong thread. =))
@Youdon’tsay, wrong thread!
But I agree with you completely, lol!
I had every reason to think my divorce would go smoothly and remain amicable. It has not. When I contacted an attorney I felt like I was betraying the trust we had for so many years. And H certainly made me feel that way. But I’m glad I did. It’s difficult in such an emotional situation to also be practical. But listen to all this great advice you have received. Hugs.
I am a divorced attorney too. I agree with the others to protect yourself. Other than that the advice that I have seen in effect is the best settlement you will be offered will be the first one…when he is still feeling responsible and guilty. Make sure you know what is on the table.
(PS my ex was also 100% above board with money, despite his other faults, and we did a consent decree)
Best to you.
Here we go again.
Tired of hearing the same old story, “my X husband was a dirtbag, I got a good lawyer showed him” Guess what ladies, I can only imagine what the X is saying:)
Try and wok it out first, if that cant be done then protect yourself, as he will.
Good Day Ladies