If this were one of the male posters out here saying his wife was thinking about getting a divorce, and she was looking for more “chemistry”, we would tell him the same thing – get a lawyer!
I got divorced just before my 30th birthday. A LONG time ago. I had a lawyer…so did my former husband. Guess what? We are still friendly…had a very amicable divorce. The lawyers helped us with things like drawing up the new deed to our house, and dealing with car titles. We had no difficulty dividing up our assets.
Neither of us was a vulture…but both of us wanted advice. Nothing wrong with that.
I I were getting a divorce I would hope to use mediation rather than engage in an expensive legal battle. But I would definitely consult an attorney anyway.
Having a consult with a lawyer is very different than engaging in an expensive legal battle.
My former husband and I each consulted with a lawyer…once…to get the info we needed. Then one of the lawyers actually did the divorce filing. It was uncontested,and not contentious in any way. My former husband never thought I thought he was a dirtbag because I contacted a lawyer…and i never thought he was.
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Tired of hearing the same old story, “my X husband was a dirtbag, I got a good lawyer showed him”
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I don’t think the stories have been: “I got a good lawyer and showed him”. I think the stories have been: "this lady didn’t get an attorney and had a bad result, " or “this lady got an attorney so that nothing horrible would happen.”
Obviously if they get to the point where they decide to divorce they likely will each have to consult and engage lawyers. Hopefully they will jointly agree that they will each engage collaborative family law attorneys (a specific specialty different from regular divorce lawyers). Everyone I know who has gone that route has bern pleased with the outcome.
But they are currently in the phase of trying to repair the marriage, and OP has said she doesn’t feel it is necessary to consult a lawyer yet. To me, that’s a perfectly rational decision. I just disagree with those saying she MUST consult a lawyer RIGHT NOW.
Honestly, I’d love to hear the advice that everyone thinks was so valuable and urgent that you got when you consulted lawyers BEFORE you decided to divorce. It is not like the OP is going to start dividing up the assets now into separate accounts, or start hiding assets on her own, or file a lawsuit to get a restraining order to freeze her husband’s assets or something. It is not like she is going to start trumping up the household expenses so she’ll have a [fraudulent] basis to get a higher settlement. It is not like she is going to hire a PI to try to catch her husband at something. Given all that, what is the lawyer going to tell her other than, let me know when you are ready to file? The lawyer may let her know what her state’s rukes are for dividing property, but she can get that advice just as well if and when they actually decide to split.
I, of course, agree with the point that she should be aware of the balances of their joint accounts, but I would advise ANYONE to do that. If anything, I’d advise the OP to get a good handle on her expenses so she knows how much it is actually costing her to live. An appointment with s financial advisor may be more useful than a lawyer at that point.
And if they actually do separate, yes, it is probably time for each of them to consult lawyers. It causes way less rancor when both parties tell each other that they are doing so.
ETA: If the OP had said she WANTED to consult a lawyer now, I’d say, “Sure, go ahead.” If it were me, I would tell my spouse I was doing so and attempt to get agreement about the kind of lawyers we were going to use.
Actually… I will raise my hand and say my ex was a dirtbag (a cheating one, too), and a good lawyer did help keep him from fulfilling all his fantasies. But women can be dirtbags too… and BOTH spouses should consult an attorney in a divorce, no matter what.
Regarding what the attorney will advice her, I expect they will say to understand the current value of ALL assets, not just what is in joint account. I expect they will recommend that she get a copy of last year’s tax returns if she doesn’t have them, collect and copy all statements coming to the house, etc. And help her understand what the impact of certain moves might be (eg, what if SHE decides to move out of the house?). Having an attorney you have talked to once gives you someone you can contact again if questionable behavior or questions about how to proceed come up. Actions that seem innocuous (like moving) are not. Understanding the entire financial picture prior to any moving around of assets is critical.
@notelling I agree!
Tire of all the haters:) I am sure all your X’s have lovely opinions as well:)
I asked very simply what to do about our assets in the event we divorced. The lawyer was excellent. He gave me very good advice about the very limited assets we had…no huge bank accounts…just a car and a house.
My former husband got very similar advice, and this helped us.
FM’s situation is far more comp’icated, in my opinion. Her husband has been the sole worker in this marriage. They have been married much longer. She has much more to lose if not given good advice.
To those of you who are saying wait…what is the problem with getting some advice about protecting assets, and learning about how to deal,with her future income, pensions, etc? Her husband doesn’t have to deal,with this. He has a good job and is earning the money. She isn’t working.
“Honestly, I’d love to hear the advice that everyone thinks was so valuable and urgent that you got when you consulted lawyers BEFORE you decided to divorce.”
It sounds like the decision whether to divorce may not really be in the OP’s hands. In that circumstance, I certainly would think it would allay some of her fears regarding:
- What does the state's law say about spousal support?
- How would a pension/401K/other retirement accounts be split?
- What should I do or not do once my H says he wants a divorce?
- What happens about debt incurred prior to separation? After separation? What about assets acquired during those times?
- Will I have to sell the house? If not, will he be required to help me stay in it?
- Is it OK to buy a car now, since my old one is on its last leg?
etc etc etc
Many attorneys will do an initial consult for free. There is nothing to lose and everything to gain by seeing an attorney at this time.
I have never been divorced. I hope to never be divorced. I am not the product of a marriage that ended in divorce. I adore my wife, and believe her to be an honest and forthright person, and incredibly kind.
Nonetheless, if she were to tell me tomorrow she wanted a divorce, I would contact a lawyer right away. I would do this alongside requesting that we attempt to repair the marriage through family therapy. I don’t see the conflict between those approaches—the latter is an expression of hope, the former is a recognition that if said hope is misplaced it’s good to have expert, outside advice.
“Haters”? What is this, middle school? Sheesh.
My brother’s ex was an attorney, and cheated on him, and had emptied the bank account, and initiated the divorce. She quit her job so he would be forced to pay alimony. She reported him for sex abuse to try to win sole custody. Despite all this, he was gracious. For him though, at 32, he had a lot of years ahead to retool as a single parent and refill the coffers. FM, that’s the one thing you don’t have. What df said, it’s not a sign of disloyalty to see a lawyer.
My husband and I have been married for 30 years and two months. We are very happy. But we considered divorce during a dark period a dozen years ago. We both visited attorneys for information purposes, and the information we received was a reality check that helped us understand that neither of us wanted to go through a divorce. There were some hard truths that we heard that dashed our expectations of greener grass.We recommitted to the marriage and eventually were on good footing again. We both learned that for us marriage is cyclical, and if we are committed to the marriage, the downs will turn up again. All because we sought truthful information before making any decisions.
A friend of mine is divorcing her husband after 25 years together simply because being married to him “made her happy for a long time, but now it doesn’t.” All of their friends–and her husband–were shocked, because they seem like the most compatible couple ever and get along very, very well. Watching it from a distance has made me think that there’s really no such thing as an “amicable divorce,” especially when one person is still in love and the other isn’t. Even when there isn’t open fighting, everyone gets hurt emotionally–it seems really rough, and IMO, that seems like reason enough to take any and all steps to avoid financial or legal damage on top of that.
The american way lawyer up!
How about marriage counselor first?
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FM’s situation is far more complicated, in my opinion. Her husband has been the sole worker in this marriage. They have been married much longer. She has much more to lose if not given good advice.
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I agree. Some here who’ve posted about their divorces and their results were in a different situation…both spouses had good incomes, shorter-term marriages, younger when the marriage ended, and so forth.
From what I understand, even though some states/courts will recognize that a 60+ women who hasn’t been in the work world for a very, very long time will need some support, often the support is not enough or for a long enough time.
I don’t know if FM’s husband is a very high 6 income earner, or not. But it takes a VERY high income to support two households, especially if FM will soon be forced to purchase her own health insurance.
I know that FM wants this marriage to work out. If so, then she needs to consider why they’re no longer having sex and maybe address that (if that’s what’s bothering her H). I know that some here take offense at that, but there are many spouses that wouldn’t put up with a sexless marriage unless they were quite elderly.
Visiting with a lawyer to determine what your rights are and prudent steps to take is common sense. It isn’t “lawyering up”… you typically are either getting the consultation for free, or for a few hundred dollars with no commitment after that. If you think someone should go through a divorce in the American system WITHOUT a lawyer at all, that is nuts 95%+ of the time.
I don’t want to belabor the point because I actually don’t feel all that strongly about it, but I personally would have been very very upset if I had learned that my husband had already engaged counsel during the period in which we were trying to repair our marriage – at least without telling me. It really would have bothered me, and I probably would have just shut down on further attempts if I had learned about it. That’s just me, and that is coloring a bit of my opinion on timing of engaging lawyers. I understand OP’s primary goal is to repair the marriage.
I had a firm understanding of our finances, though, and a basic understanding of each of our rights.
When my husband and I sought counsel, we each agreed to that as a fact finding mission and both thought it was a great idea. The difference was that we had minor children and no real understanding of how custody or support would work, and the reality that we each heard was very different from what we had imagined so it was money well spent and no hard feelings because no sneaking.
We also didn’t engage lawyers, we sought counsel.