@nottelling - Then maybe FM should ask her husband if he has consulted a lawyer. If he hasn’t then that’s one thing but if he has then she should too.
@zoosermom - I have a close family member who did something similar; once they visited lawyers they decided they didn’t want to divorce after all. Still married today and they seem happy.
Two year ago H was planning his retirement and we met with the person dealing with the annuity.
I asked what happened in the future in the case we divorced. H knew I was going to ask. We were in a very good place in our marriage at that time. I simply wanted to know what would happen if in the future we divorced.
The woman who I asked had no idea. I refused to sign until she got me the answer.
No way was I not protecting myself and as I pointed out, “I marched in D.C. for Women’s Rights in my 20’s”. So just get me the answer already and do look so alarmed.
H and I are happily celebrating out 34th today. But I still am glad I asked.
Always get information. Always.
We learned to ask ourselves if we were unhappy with our lives or unhappy with each other, and those are very different things. If our lives are the problem, then we can make changes together. We don’t always remember that at the same time, but one of us usually does! But, again, our expectations had no basis in legal reality and we would have traded in stress and busy in a two-parent household with all its benefits, for stress and busy with finances split between two households and no one to share the burden, that wouldn’t have been better because we were generally unhappy, tired, overwhelmed - the usual parents of kids life - rather than experiencing a deal breaker.
Oh, of course, I agree entirely. Even during the happiest days of my marriage, I’d always ask our accountant, with my husband present, whether I was going to be responsible for all the debt he was incurring with his harebrained schemes and to make sure the hairbrained schemes were set up so that I would not be responsible for any debt flowing from them no matter whether we stayed married or got divorced.
Eta: just to be clear, this is in response to Oregon101
Just read this quote so I thought to share.
“When you fully trust someone without any doubt, you finally get one of two results:
A person for life
or
A lesson for life.”
I hope FM you get the person for life.
I agree with that Zoosermom. The most down periods in H’s and my marriage was because one or the other was unhappy with something in our life not related to each other. Generally working out changing individually whatever it was put us back on an even keel. Hard to explain, but I get what you are saying.
<<<
But, again, our expectations had no basis in legal reality and we would have traded in stress and busy in a two-parent household with all its benefits, for stress and busy with finances split between two households and no one to share the burden, that wouldn’t have been better because we were generally unhappy, tired, overwhelmed - the usual parents of kids life - rather than experiencing a deal breaker.
<<<<
@zoosermom very wise thinking indeed. I wonder how many couples have split up only to later realize what y’all did ahead of time.
@fauxmaven, of course you know your husband much better than we do but because of what he said in counselling about the lack of “chemistry” one really has to wonder.
You say that “My husband is the kindest, most ethical man I have ever met” but as outsiders it’s not hard to see that the chemistry comment was really very unkind and unfair. After all that you’ve invested into the marriage it’s very understandable that you really want to stay with him but please be aware that even people who have behaved well in the past can change.
Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.
Excluded middle, really—there’s also the possibility of doing both simultaneously. It’s not an either-or—why act like it is?
“Even people who behaved well in the past can change.”
We don’t like to believe this but it truly can happen. With marriage comes attachment which puts us in a very vulnerable position.
Do we not all go into marriage hoping for the best? Don’t we think we are marrying the most kindest and most ethical person?
When we are planning our wedding we are hoping to spend a lifetime together.
We are not thinking to prepare for the worst.
It is hard to have a healthy marriage thinking with that mindset.
Unfortunately after hearing of so many peoples experiences you really do have to “hope for the best and prepare for the worst.” As couples go through divorce I am sure there are those in disbelief thinking I knew this person so well.
I trusted them so much enough to marry them. How is it possible that we knew each other so well and today we are sitting with lawyers helping us through a divorce.
People do change. What we hoped for in our 20’s changed when we were in our 30’s and our goals were different in our 40’s. As we age and experience life our personalities change and sometimes we are not the same person we were when we first married. Raising kids does take its toll on a marriage. All the unexpected turns really do test the commitment and strength in a marriage. Not everyone has the stamina to face all the obstacles that are put in front of us in life. Everyone reacts differently.
without reading to the end, sorry…FM why not see a lawyer? What is the worst that could happen if you do?
“The american way lawyer up!
How about marriage counselor first?”
And what if one of marriage partners refuses to attend marriage counseling and wants to go straight to proceedings?
Both have to be equally committed for any marriage counseling to work.
It’s not going to work if you have one person fighting to save the marriage and the other person doing whatever they can to end it.
Phunt, you seem to be posting without actually reading Faux’s posts.
It’s not helpful.
If the counselor didn’t see each of you individually to find out what you want to get out of counseling I would be concerned. The comment about chemistry could have been revealed by him to the counselor. I think the comment was terribly hurtful and I, like many here, think the old flame may be in contact on Facebook. IME the unhappy spouse has had months and years of stewing and plotting an exit. A lot of people use the counselor as a gentle way to break the bad news. I like the idea that you’ve given him 'til May 1.
FM, since the thread began what have you done to radically change your life for yourself? I think you should find something to give yourself some new contacts. Volunteer, find a job, take a class, embark on a fitness routine. Anything to change the status quo.
There is no perfect solution, counseling, new job, starting a business or adventure, loosing a family member, quiting a job, traveling, going back to school, having another child, adopting a pet, getting sick, moving to a new house/town, separation and divorce, either can bring some spouses back together or push others apart. Do what seems right to you. I’m sorry that you have to go through this but whatever happens, you’ll find a way to survive. Humans are resilient beings.
Consulting lawyers can help each spouse ensure that his or her financial interests are protected. This can help the two people feel safe. I suspect that marriage counseling would be more likely to be effective if people feel safe.
Phunt, you’re a freshman in college (at least per some of your posts; the others are where you are pretending to be a parent). The posters on this thread have mostly been in long-term relationships/marriages, know how things can change over time, and have seen good people turn “bad” in divorce. The fact that almost every single adult has said “contact a lawyer” is meaningful.
People behave differently when they are divorced. I was very surprised on how my ex and I went from 30 yrs married couple to be almost like strangers.
When we were married, everyone thought the Ex was the best father and he would give his right arm for the well being of his children. Since we got divorced his priority has changed. I recently asked him if he was going to D2’s last dance recital in school. He said the expenses were high so he didn’t think he could make it. But then I found out he is going to Europe with his new GF. Even my kids are telling me that their Dad is a new person and they are trying to get to know this new person.
I have posted before that I think when it comes to divorce, it is not just between two people, it affects everyone in one’s life. So when one decides to leave a marriage, by definition that person is thinking about him/herself. It is about what would make him/her happy, not about how other people may feel. When the other person doesn’t put your needs above theirs then you need to do what you can to protect yourself.