Good assessment of the process of separating, Old Fort. There are a series of more minor heartbreaks in addition to the major ones.
FM, hopefully you are not overwhelmed by the volume of responses and heated opinions on this thread. Thinking of you.
yes old fort. exactly
Check out marriagebuilders.com to learn about Emotional Needs (stuff you need to do) and Love Busters (stuff you should stop doing).
@oldfort:
That is very true and wise about divorce, that it isn’t just about the two people, there is a circle of people around the two people that are involved, too. Having not gone through a divorce, but gone through rough times, I can understand how someone can be focused on their own stuff, and not see the rest. The hard part I have seen with divorcing couples is when they forget about everyone else, especially the kids, to ‘do their own thing’, and it is very easy to lose sight of the other people around. Not talking about the parents who tell a child divorcing “you shame us” and the whole religious nonsense, but rather, for example, what if a person’s parents like their ex and their family? Or shared friends? Having been the friend of divorcing couples, it was really difficult, as much as I liked both people, to be put in the middle of it, and as a friend I (rightfully) should be at the bottom of the list, but if it affected me so, how does it affect people even closer?
As far as seeing a lawyer, the reason isn’t as one poster of snarky disposition said “lawyering up”, it is about being practical, of knowing what divorcing entails so they can make decisions. Divorce isn’t easy, the divorce laws aren’t always so simple, and it is akin to having a medical condition and not getting advice on how to treat it…
Yes, it’s about being practical. It’s about taking some moderate action, not just passively reiterating the feelings and any confusion. Lots of people don’t want to move from the warm spot, they let inertia take over.
<<< @oldfort
When we were married, everyone thought the Ex was the best father and he would give his right arm for the well being of his children. Since we got divorced his priority has changed. I recently asked him if he was going to D2’s last dance recital in school. He said the expenses were high so he didn’t think he could make it. But then I found out he is going to Europe with his new GF. Even my kids are telling me that their Dad is a new person and they are trying to get to know this new person.
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This is a good point. I think that there is such a thrill, almost a drug-experience, when in a new relationship, that the person prioritizes to keep getting their “fix”. Sadly, kids often lose out when the choice is New Love High and them.
I feel lost and blind when I have a new medical condition and no idea what I should be doing, so I see the best MD in the field that I can, to get some context and better understand my options. I have always done this for myself and those I love.
Similarly, if I was facing a possible situation that was totally new, like a divorce, I would gather all the info I could–financial info (accounts, balances, tax returns, etc.), marriage and family therapist and consult with an attorney to get a better idea of options and all that they entailed.
To me, knowledge is power and I prefer to make informed choices, especially as they will likely impact my future and my kids.
Not sure if you are a Christian, but there is a good book by Stormie O’Martian…power of a praying wife. Even if you don’t think he deserves it, it softens your heart. I’ve also heard challenges from churches to commit to 30 days of sex with your spouse. It can be a real relationship changer.
Which Duggar thought that one up?
FWIW, the OP has said she’s not Christian and not interested in religious things.
Let’s see … Having unresolved issues / anger at a spouse (over things that could be as trivial as leaving the toothpaste cap off or as meaningful as adultery or gambling issues) and then gritting your teeth to have sex with them for 30 days. Uh, no thanks. Sex is an important part of a relationship, yes, but you can’t “paper over” issues with sex.
Not sure if the OP is still reading the comments, But just in case…
If your husband states he is considering leaving the marriage, take his comments seriously.
- Interview prospective divorce lawyers now. Most sit for a “free consult” and explain the basics of divorce in your state. This should give you an idea of where you stand. Try to see at least 3 and get three different prospectives.
- Make hard photo copies or safely store PDFs of as much financial info as you can. Tax returns, bank statement, credit card statements, et al for at least the last five years.
- Remember it takes two to tango. If your husband is not engaged, then there is little you can do to change him. I know this sounds harsh and it may be too soon for you understand. But just keep it in the back of your head.
Often I see women approaching a divorce like just another marital compromise. Most women have compromised away their individual needs for decades and have a very hard time tuning into “whats best for them individually” as opposed to “whats best for the marriage”. When a husband states after 3 decades of building a life together he wants out, the first thought many women have (understandably) is “how can I fix this”. Putting effort into “trying to save your marriage” takes effort away from “how can I best protect myself and my kids”. Put aside a little time each day toward developing a plan to protect yourself–sort of like car insurance–paying the premiums and hoping to never collect the benefits.
On a more personal note, you’re still grieving the loss of your parents. Crappy of your husband to pull this when you are down.
“I’ve also heard challenges from churches to commit to 30 days of sex with your spouse. It can be a real relationship changer.”
Yeah that could be a real relationship changer alright. Especially if one spouse feels forced into it.
Hi all- my husband was an Ivy League Investment Banker for most of the last 30 years. He quit his job 2 years ago to follow his dream of being a Social Worker! He has not worked in 2 years. In Sept, I began a long term Sub position working as a Resource Teacher with Preschool Disabled 3 and 4 year olds. We are living on our savings presently. New Jersey is a Community Property state. My husband is brilliant and could screw me financially if he wanted. I do not want to see a lawyer at this time! If things start to change for the worse, I will. PS- no more Christian referrals please. I have plenty of brilliant financial people to talk to if I need it.
- I am parent married 25 years with three students (jr in college, soph college, senior HS)
- Daughter has posted here
- I believe working on marriage is first priority
- lawyer up after # 3
- Seem many here are assuming the worst and not giving the marriage a chance! ( but not all)
- done with this thread!
FM writes: “My husband is brilliant and could screw me financially if he wanted.”
And you’re not brilliant, too?
Take care of yourself honey.
30 years of trying in already…
OP, your H sounds like he is in the throes of a pretty classic midlife crisis. The first move (job change) wasn’t enough (or not working out for him), so he is on to making another change… Does he blame you at all for his lack of employment? Was it a topic on tension before he brought up divorce?
Cynical me says he will get divorced, avoid alimony, and eventually go back to the investment business. Also that he may have encouraged you to go back to work to avoid paying alimony (guy across the street did that) because now you are getting some work experience and income.
fm, is he just not done with school yet? Is that why he hasn’t worked in 2 years?
FM, please, get your lawyer involves ASAP!!!
Your husbands choice to leave well paying job, do social worker gratis, etc, screams Divorce and how do I pay my wife the least!!!
I am smart, not Ivy League smart. My husband has an MBA. I am more artistic.