No harm in chatting with a lawyer or four. On ounce of preparation is worth a pound of cure.
@amandakayak, as usual, you crack me up.
FM writes: “I am smart, not Ivy League smart. My husband has an MBA. I am more artistic.”
Rock. Paper. Sisors.
In the real world of relationships and family:
Ivy League smart is just about as useful as an egg beater in a rowboat.
Artistic smart means you’re sensitive to and effected by world around you.
Your paper covers his rock.
Don’t don’t doubt yourself. and please, in the hard months to come, don’t confuse compromise with coercion.
I hope this isn’t too personal, but did YOU ever feel romantic chemistry with him earlier in the relationship? I’m starting to come around to the view that he might just be forgetting the chemistry you had. Those “Ivy-educated investment bankers” usually have plenty of choices when it comes to women and it seems very unlikely that he would have settled. I wish there were a way for you and he to rekindle things in that department – it doesn’t sound like there are layers of anger and resentment that are often the true impediments to rekindling intimacy.
On another thread, I admitted that the biggest waste of money I ever did was planning a ridiculously expensive vacation in an attempt to save my own marriage. Therefore, it is very ironic and perhaps naive for me to suggest this, but could the two of you get away together someplace romantic? Is he interested in perhaps attempting to find chemistry with you?
It sounds like you really love and admire the man. I’m sure you’ve told him that, but maybe he doesn’t totally understand that? I think 75% of romantic chemistry is based on feeling loved, admired and understood by the other person.
This may sound like the hokiest thing in the world but there was some research that came out a few years ago where they had complete strangers ask each other a specific list of intimate questions over a few hours while staring into each other’s eyes. A remarkable number of the couples reported feeling a deep romantic connection from this exercise. I don’t remember the details but I wonder if you could try something like this with your husband.
Also, has your husband been worked up for depression? Or for health issues that could cause depression?
Also, have you been worked up for depression? Some people have a very, very difficult time being in a relationship with a clinically depressed person because they can feel themselves start to be sucked into the deep, dark, depressive vortex along with their loved one. I have no idea if either of you is suffering from clinical depression but it is obviously something that can interfere with attempts to rekindle joy. If that happened to be an issue for either of you, getting good treatment should be high on the priority list.
“Your husbands choice to leave well paying job, do social worker gratis, etc, screams Divorce and how do I pay my wife the least!!!”
"Cynical me says he will get divorced, avoid alimony, and eventually go back to the investment business. "
Not sure how you folks are jumping to these conclusions. The OP state previously that money was not an issue. After 30 years in investment banking, the family’s assets might be very high. It’s not uncommon to leave investment banking prior to traditional retirement age. Plenty leave a lot sooner than 30 years in. It’s a stressful line of work with long hours.
If the assets are split, there may not then be enough for both to live in the style to which they have become accustomed. That is why I suspect he may go back to investment banking eventually.
Well, she’s not going to contact a lawyer.
The cards are all in her husband’s hands.
Seeing a lawyer now isn’t so much about the " money grab" as it is about emotional and logistical homework.
If the OP lines her ducks in a row and IF hubby drops the hammer, she’ll stand steady on a foundation of smart ground work. In other words, she won’t be a sloppy, distracted mess when meeting with lawyers for the first time. Participating intelligently in those meetings is not easy under the best of circumstances. Adding a layer of life changing emotional adjustment makes a horrible situation hell.
Thats why you finish some homework now by seeking appropriate representation for yours and your kids’sake—just in case.
Sort of like, “GEEZ I should brought that new coat that I loved when it was on sale (and I had money in my pocket) last spring. Now its snowing, I have nothing to wear, I’m broke, Im cold and I’ll have to pay full price for a coat that doesn’t even fit right.”
IF the situation deteriorates and only after the situations deteriorates, the OP can have nitty-gritty conversations with her counsel. With so many decades in investment banking, the big concerns are stock options, differed compensation, capital gains, pension payouts and alike. But, I agree, on that level, with FM. The nuts and bolts conversations are for later–or hopefully never.
I wonder how many people like me are following this thread closely for their own reasons? Thank you @fauxmaven for being so honest and open about what you and H are experiencing.Good luck in having a happy life!
I’m on the bus, and this is the most active thread at the moment, so I’m reading it. Having some experience with being a crying shoulder to a good friend in times of distress and an armature financial adviser (yikes!) I can relate, especially to this:
“Given hubby’s previous profession, it won’t be as simple as “who gets what” more like “how and when”. After decades in investment banking, the big concerns are stock options, differed compensation, capital gains, pension payouts and alike.”
It is not as simple as dividing an $X by 2. FM, you sound like a nice and kind person, and please correct me if I am wrong, did I hear that your H handles your family finances? Please - if the worst does happen - do not let anyone use your kindness to their advantage and leave you with less $$ than you deserve because finances are just “too complicated for you.”
^If he’s left the business 2 years ago, tany deferred comp, stock options, etc. are already a thing of the past.
Agree, but wifh a caveat. We don’t know if he was doing any consulting, was a BOD member, or if there was some other crazy compensation deal. It is all speculation at this point.
@BunsenBurner Crazy deals occur in crazy times. Also depends upon “how” he “left”. Vesting, Bonuses and all that. A knowledgeable attyn will ask the correct questions.
After a few consultations the OP will gain understanding. Knowledge is never wasted.
Just a brainstorm … maybe suggest that you do the taxes together this year (assuming not too complicated,… and that the MBA guy usually does them himself). Then on the chance you need to do your own you’ll know how or at least be familiar. Also you’ll get more familiar with the family financial picture.
Another thought - maybe try something together (walks?) and less screen time. He may feel lonely that you have so much “pretend friends” online (that’s the term my kids use), and he does not.
I never said one person is forced to have sex. There are studies out there and plenty of blogs that say trying the sex for a month or week brings a couple closer. Try googling it, it’s a thing. I thought she may be still trying for reconciliation and they talked about chemistry. This doesn’t seem like someone she despises.
Well, that’s the physical connection but couples still need emotional and intellectual bonds and plain old affection and appreciation.
True that it’s physical but there are often side benefits of feeling close throughout the day.
There is also the 5 love languages, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time and physical touch. If each spouse can communicate to the other what makes them feel loved it can go a long way. Just look at Christmas threads…some never exchange gifts, because to them that isn’t their love language. Others are devastated by their spouses careless attempts. I’m a words of affirmation person. My husband is an acts of service and quality time person.
I know everyone is shouting legal representation from the rooftops and I don’t disagree, but why not also offer tips on making a marriage stronger.
My tip is play. I am not talking sex although that is important but just plain playfulness. Goof around with each other. Do fun things together. Cook together, watch a corny movie together, walk together. Do the sort of things that you did when you first met. Become his best friend. I find that little gestures can mean a lot and it goes both ways. I wish you all the best, FM.