^ Love it, eyemamom. I had seen it with the idea you try to touch all those bases, some will matter more than others, at different times.
It helps to drop some of the me-me-me and try to show you care in the ways they want to feel it. And never assume that what you prefer, or what’s good enough for you, is good enough for the other.
Consulting with a lawyer doesn’t have to mean that you’ve given up on your marriage. It’s just a way of being informed and ready should the marriage end.
@fauxmaven, As a parent and SAHM, I have to ask why you wouldn’t see a lawyer, especially given the fact that you think your husband is so brilliant he could financially screw you if he wanted. You have a responsibility to your children. Assets that you built up together are half yours and you should have access to them to live on and the ability to leave your share to your children.
As a SAHM, I view my marriage as separate from our finances. Business is business. My name is on everything we own [including our home, which my in-laws (who loaned us the money) didn’t want] and I have access to every account. I know what my husband earns because I see his pay stubs and I read the tax forms our accountant prepares, and I regularly check all of our accounts to see if we’re on track to meet our goals.
We structured our finances the way we did so our children and I would be okay if anything happened to him (he’s in construction and sometimes has to work alongside busy highways), but I’d be okay in a divorce too. We have a joint credit card but I also have one in just my name (too many widows who were SAHM’s have no credit), my car is in my name, and I’ve made an effort to network so that when my daughter graduates in 2 years I can put my college degree to good use. I trust my husband, but I am prepared to land on my feet in case anything untoward should happen. And as much as I love him and would be devastated if he left, I’d have no qualms about fighting for an equal share of what we built so our children could benefit from it. That’s who we’re building it for.
Similar to hearing the weatherman predict rain. And purposefully not packing an umbrella, because the sum loves you.
FM- Post # 402 makes a lot of sense to me. It’s not unheard of for the breadwinning partner to be very supportive of the SAHP until a possible split. Then the breadwinner looks at it another way and decides “I made the money so I should get more” - totally forgetting that the SAHP parent was a financial partner in the marriage. If a third party is involved that person can influence that way of thinking.
I hope it works out for you. But please look after yourself.
I truly am baffled at how these two sentiments can co-exist. The first statement seems to me to be the very best reason to not only have a lawyer in your back pocket, but a forensic accountant as well.
I hope I’m wrong, but I see bad things ahead for the OP, and that makes me very sad.
Post 402 and 404 make a lot of sense to me. The more knowledgeable you are about ways to protect yourself the more peace of mind you will have moving forward in life. The only one who can take care of your best interests and needs is you. Only you are responsible for your wellbeing. I would say the same to my own mother or sister. There are no guarantees in life and you can’t take anything or anyone for granted. Anything is possible and things can change overnight. As a parent I feel responsibility for myself and my children. We wish you the best and hope that everything turns out well for you.
+1 to post 402. What DH and I have created is part of my kids’ legacy. I would fight to make sure I gave the opportunity to pass something on to them. My kids would tell me not to worry about them and to make sure my interests are protected.
Fauxmaven, a spouse with investment banking experience is going to be pretty financially savvy and may have deferred compensation/stock grants, etc. that doesn’t vest/pay out until potentially after a divorce. He’s had a long time to think about his exit strategy. You need a plan, too.
I figure my DH knows that a judge would take a dim view of someone in a 30+ year marriage wanting to screw over a spouse w/cancer and heart failure. He also knows no one else would EVER put up with him. 
But I also know every detail of our financial picture.
In addition to being a big career change (and seeking a different kind of work fulfillment) - is this H’s attempt to figure out how he can be happier in life? How he is toying with your emotions on such a serious step is beyond me, other than the thought that men can be incredibly selfish beings, and perhaps cannot see what is truly going to make himself happy.
You may know him better than he knows himself. That may be why you have given him a firm date to make a decision about moving forward on a divorce or not. Or was it that you have to have this ‘limbo’ be over?
Are you observing any changes with him as this divorce introduction/conversation has taken place?
How many marriage therapy sessions have taken place, and are they productive? Are either of you in individual counseling? Do you see any progress?
Hoping that you can hang in - maybe the light bulb will go on in H’s brain that continuing marriage is the better path to continuing life with happiness.
Along the lines of wondering if your H may be depressed, I also wonder if his testosterone levels might be low as they often are in aging males. The lack of spark (which he now says he never felt but was happy presumably to act on for 30 years) may now just be missing the pilot light.
Deciding on May 1 to stay doesn’t mean this is over. I would want to see a qualitative shift for me and for him. Otherwise, the cloud is still over your head.
The part about FM’s husband not working for the last 2 years worries me. I know he went back to school but what has he been doing for the rest of the time? I really hope he hasn’t met someone who he thinks he has chemistry with.
I am also wondering what he thought about the May deadline. Was he ok with it? What if he hasn’t made a decision by then?
FM, I am very sorry for what you are going through. I haven’t read the entire thread, but I’ve tried to read all of your posts to the thread. It seems that your H has regrets about the way he has lived his life–career choice, relationship choices, and even continued uncertainty, now. On top of that there have been significant family stresses, including prison, and family illnesses and deaths. It’s good that you both are talking about this with a counselor. It may take beyond May 1 to figure things out, so I hope the date can be flexible if you feel things are progressing.
FWIW my suggestion would be for you to proceed on two parallel tracks. You obviously care for him deeply, so it makes sense to keep trying to work through this difficult patch. Reading between the lines, it seems he cares for you more than he is willing/able to admit right now. I, personally, think people can actually learn to talk more deeply with each other if they are willing to work on it, and accept help from outside. (I say this from personal experience, as well as having practiced domestic relations law early in my career.)
In parallel, though, you should make sure that you start to cover your own bases. Find a trusted relative, not a child (say, a brother or sister). Make photocopies of your federal tax returns (and all schedules) for the past three or four years, including the last full year that he worked for the investment bank. You probably filed jointly, so you signed each of these returns.
Put together a family net worth statement, listing all of your assets and liabilities. This should include all joint and separate bank accounts (include account numbers for each), brokerage accounts, stocks and bonds, and retirement accounts. Include all personal property (jewelry, cars, etc) and all real property such as your home. Photograph everything. And photocopy appraisals if you have them. Make a list of all your insurance policies, and any cash value that has accumulated. Photocopy the most recent statement you have received on everything–brokerage, IRAs, mortgage statement, EVERYTHING. Some statements come monthly, and some come quarterly. If some statements come electronically to a personal email account that you don’t have access to, then pull together everything else that you can, first. And then ask him–he’s smart, he’ll understand. Then give everything to your trusted sibling for safekeeping.
Divorce lawyers are expensive. You will save a lot of time and money if you simply hand over a thick file of all this information at your first meeting.
Next, if you don’t have a written family monthly budget, put one together. Include everything that you both spend money on, down to the penny, including gas, dry cleaning, and newspaper delivery.
Last, if there are any firearms in the house, remove them. Depression + emotional uncertainty + stress + firearms do not mix.
You are not in any way being disloyal by taking any of these steps. All spouses should know how much there is, and where it all is. If you eventually need to see a lawyer, then you’ll be ready.
Good luck to both of you in the coming months, and to your children.
Now that is very sensible advice.
No guns in our house! I figured out SAHM. We have private therapy times 2, plus marriage counseling. Things seem to be getting better. We have our Couples session tonight. I have almost no family! My brother and sister really don’t talk. On a positive note, I invited a woman I have known casually for many years to go out for coffee, something I never do! I told her I don’t have many friends, and " need to get out more". Keep you all posted.
My daughter in Europe ( the post Harvard sustainable farmer) is getting married to a Dutch guy in the Netherlands. We were there in the Netherlands last Christmas week and met him and his lovely family. He bought a fixer upper in Sweden (like no plumbing of heating) and a fair amount of land. Something to look forward to.
One weird aside about Sweden - don’t hold onto currency. Every few years they seem to update currency and that old 100 crown note may be unusable when you go back to visit 5 years later.
Good to know. We just give our currency to daughter at the end of our visit!
Glad to hear its been a more positive week, for you, @fauxmaven. I’m rooting for you, girl!
FM you and your husband seem to be very caring people. Is there a volunteer opportunity you could enjoy together?
Feeding America can connect you with food bank volunteer openings in your area. 1 in 7 people struggle with hunger in the US.
I was online and I heard about this book called, “Choose Me Before We.”
I was just reading the reviews and it seems to talk about thinking about what we want for ourselves in life.
We tend to lose our own identity as we get busy with our duties and responsibilities We need to take the time to take care of our needs before we can help others. Thought this would be an interesting read for a woman of any age. The author is a motivational speaker. Discusses how to have fulfilling relationships. You can read the first few pages here.
http://www.amazon.com/Choosing-ME-Before-WE-Womans/dp/157731641X#reader_157731641X