Sometimes taking a step like going to see a lawyer makes this all “real”, and FM is still hoping the situation can be worked through and resolved. Those who are looking at it from the outside are reasoning with their heads. At present it sounds like FM is thinking with her heart.
I agree FM is thinking with her heart. But I think taking steps to remain financially secure is important even if the marriage continues.
If my spouse ever mentioned he was thinking about leaving, I would take steps to restructure assets whether he decided to stay or not. I’d want our liquid assets split into 2 separate accounts – half in only my name and half in his – with the bill money deposited into a joint 3rd account and the balance split evenly between our individual accounts. I’d also discuss options with our lawyer for protecting our individual interests in our assets. How could we deal with pensions and investment accounts? Would we need a trust? A prenup type contract?
Contemplating dissolving a business partnership has repercussions. If my husband intended to split our assets equally in the event of a divorce, he should have no issues splitting them equally during our marriage. It may not be the right path for everyone, but in my opinion it would be unreasonable for my husband to not expect a serious reaction to what I consider a serious action on his part. If a condition of his staying is my risking my (and our children’s) financial future, I firmly believe I would be better off without him.
You know…FM has been married to this fellow for 30 years…so rhey would be in their 60’s, right?
Time for FM to get involved with the finances…and understand them. I mean…what happens if Mr. fm has a massive heart attack and dies? She needs to understand what is going on financially…where money is, how to,access it, how to budget, pension and retirement, etc.
Maybe this can be brought up in their counseling sessions. If Mr. FM balks at sharing any financial information…that would be a tip that maybe getting legal advice sooner than later would be good!
Heh. Maybe. I was married 30 years when I was 50 years old!
Two thumbs up, thumper. I was going to say the same thing: it is wise to get smart with finances even if for the purposes of estate planning. Does he have a will? Does FM have a will? How are his personal (if any) and family assets are held? What happens if he suddenly dies? Is there a trust? Non-probate assets?
If FM’s DH was in a previous marriage and/or has children outside his marriage with FM, she needs to be VERY aware of what beneficiary designations are in the will, 401(k), IRA, life insurance, etc.
What makes you think she isn’t aware of all that already? I assume she is.
Many years ago when I worked in banking, widows would come to the bank sometimes clueless because their husband always managed the accounts. I remember one lady not even knowing how to fill in a check.
Every woman should be knowledgeable about their families finances. They should keep track of where all the accounts and important paperwork is located in the event something happens they know exactly what needs to be taken care of.
It upsets me when I hear, “I have no idea, my husband takes care of everything.”
I grew up pretty sheltered being the first of four girls. My mom was a SAHM. I think then how naïve I was.
Now my mom and my sisters get surprised how does she manage everything by herself. My Bil’s are clueless when it comes to car repairs but some how I am able to manage it all.
It was because there was no choice. I had to learn about things really fast to survive.
Had I known then what I know now or had I had so many people on a forum advising me I could have avoided some mistakes and saved myself some money on attorney fees. How I wish then that there had been someone to give me some sincere advice.
When you go through bad times you really find out who is truly sincere to you and who just pretends to be.
OP, do you have a good knowledge of all the finances for your family?
Know what? Aside from the details of family finances, when divorce threatens, you go to a lawyer to have the right ally on your side, someone who’s educated, not the neighbor or a friend for sympathy. A good lawyer won’t push your marriage off the cliff. An attorney once told me that only a fraction of his guidance work leads to a filing. At different times we all need wise counsel holding our hands. It’s not filing. It’s not lighting a match.
^^You’re right. It is better to be proactive then to be reactive to a situation.
When you are proactive you are able to go to several attorney’s for a consultation to see who will work best for you and get some guidance.
When you are in a situation where the other party already has an attorney and you are getting a letter to obtain counsel then the other party is one step ahead of the game and you are trying to play catch up.
Would much rather be proactive than to have to go to the first attorney who is able to meet with you who may not best be able to help you.
I’m going to trust FM on the lawyer thing. She is the only one here with first-hand knowledge. It’s her feeling she does not need a lawyer right now and may be well-founded and unshared.
Hope the counseling works for you. I know some couples who nearly split up, some more than once, but managed to find new reasons to stay together happily.
FM may indeed be aware of the family finances. But in many families, one person handles the bills and investments… often the s[ouse that is more familiar with finances. (At our house, I handle the bills and checkbook since I have more tolerance for the paperwork. DH has an MBA and handles investments, including my 401K. But we keep each other aware of what we do.)
This discussion makes me wonder in general i fthe trend toward more online statements makes it harder to track things when a spouse divorces or dies.
Online tracking only is easy if you know all of the usernames and passwords. Just saying.
I still suggest you create a spreadsheet of all accounts, with account numbers, websites, passwords/logins, personal representative if you have one, and balance as of a recent statement. Make a photocopy of the most recent statements and get copies of your last few years of tax returns. Put this all in a safe place.
We do keep a spreadsheet of all accounts, usersnames and passwords. (For many things I also still have snailmail accounts too). But I can see how things could get confusing if somebody died (or ditched a spouse) and did not list of electronic accounts. Hmm…if we ever move, it would probably still be a good idea to update address info, even if we have converted to electronic statements.
While it is helpful and important to have all the electronic account and password info, it is unless when trying to protect oneself. If both spouses have the ability to change and account profile one could easily lockout the other with a simple password change.
If a marriage exists in a state where one partner has exclusive knowledge - whether intentional or by default - of all the financial information then it’s an indicator of how the couple chose to manage their partnership.’
When the option, possibility or threat of ending the partnership is presented AND one partner is not informed of the financial info and structure it is incumbent upon them to inform themselves and to not intentionally leave themselves vulnerable.
As far as I can tell from info to this point…we do not know the status of the OP’s internal financial information structure.
Dietz. If you have something that says you have a joint account worth $xxxx with Fidelity or whoever, account number 12345, and here’s a copy of a statement from Jan 2016 - she IS protected in divorce even if she doesn’t have a log-in / password. The lawyer will do the rest.
I think there is something we can all learn from this discussion. Being informed about finances, accounts, and passwords can apply to different scenarios. For example since my dd is above 18 I am thinking I should share all my information with her including passwords. I have a binder that she can access with all the important paperwork and I think I probably should write down all the account numbers, passwords, and important phone numbers so that it would be easy to close out all accounts and handle everything should something happen to me. I am a single parent and she is an only child. It’s a good reminder to have our paperwork in order.
^ I agree raclut. H and I have talked about sharing with D (and possibly S) locations of password lists, paperwork and our financial advisor’s contact information, etc. in case something would happen to both of us.