Am I Wrong for Wanting D's Relationship to Be Over?

Parent Cafe
1

D is back home in CA this summer after successfully completing her freshman year at a top university in a large mid-western city. D is incredibly mature, bright, talented, and ambitious. She’s the kind of kid that works hard, gets good grades, and never gave me an ounce of trouble. D and I have always had an amazingly close and open relationship with zero conflict. Until now.

D started dating BF near the end of her sophomore year. He was a graduating senior, so two years older than her. DW and I were never thrilled with the relationship, but we figured it was a teenage romance that would eventually fizzle out when D went off to college. D’s GPs, with whom she is very close, were always much more direct with D in expressing their dissatisfaction with the relationship. GPs were ecstatic that D was going to college 2,000 miles away and gladly contributed to the cost of attendance, figuring that the distance would finally put an end to the relationship. As you can guess by the subject line, D and BF are still together.

So what’s our issue with BF? He’s a nice enough kid, but somewhat shy and lacking in work ethic. He did finish his AA degree from a local JC and is transferring to a 4-year state college in the fall. But at 21, he doesn’t have a driver’s license or own a car. D does all the driving. Before D went off to college, BF would eat dinner at our house 2 or 3 times a week – sometimes more – but never offered to help with the dishes, take out the trash, etc. He just stayed glued to D and followed her around like a puppy. His constant presence in our household often made D’s younger sisters uncomfortable. There is also a huge disparity in socio-economic status. We are upper middle class and GP’s are wealthy, while BF is a first generation US resident from another culture who was raised by a single mom who does not speak English and cleans houses for a living. We live in a nice suburban home in a good neighborhood. BF lives in a small, run-down house next to an ethnic restaurant on the “wrong” side of town. BF has worked part time on and off, but when he does I understand he has to give his money to his mother to help pay the household bills. Because of BF’s financial situation, D often pays for their dates. I recently learned that she loaned BF the money for his housing deposit. She says he’ll pay her back.

When D arrived home for the summer 2 weeks ago, she and BF renewed their old pattern of hanging out on our family room sofa watching movies and eating dinner at our house. Sisters went on the war path and DW (D’s step-mom) lost her cool and demanded I take action. I was pretty fed up too and finally told D the other night that I was disappointed that she had not ended the relationship when she went off to college, that I had greater hopes and expectations for her, and that I really wanted her to get the most out of her college experience by meeting and dating new people. I told her that I could not tell her who to love or who to date, but that I simply could not support her relationship with BF. This was the first time I had ever expressed this to D and, frankly, it came as a surprise to her. She is now feeling very hurt and says that we are being unfair. She says she loves BF and doesn’t understand why GPs, DW and I are so against the relationship. As far as she is concerned, BF is a kind, loving kid who is just struggling to get ahead in the face of economic adversity and ethnic prejudice. She says GPs and I are just being racist and classist. She obviously told BF about our conversation, and now apparently he feels hurt and rejected because he always liked me and thought he was welcome in our house.

When she is not out with BF, D is now miserable and moping around, crying, and giving me the silent treatment. For the first time, D and I are not getting along. This is tearing me up inside. DW says I’m just doing my job as a parent and need to stick to my guns. GPs are thrilled that I am finally backing them up. Yet I feel like the bad guy. It’s killing me to see D so unhappy. Am I wrong for what I did? Am I just being a racist, classist jerk? What do I do now?

2

Yes you are beeing a racist, classist jerk.

Just be happy, that your daughter is with a guy that treats her well. Let her make her own experiences and mistakes. It is not your life, iti is hers.

3

Oh dear…

No use second-guessing now. Just reading your post, it does seem like you bowed to pressure from GP and family to be the bad guy. Imagine the couple’s shock, after 3 years, to find out nobody likes “them” and the GP financial contribution was used as leverage against them (GP seem to feel money gives them a right to disapprove)

But to answer your question, yes, you do sound classist. This guy who makes her happy, causes no problems and contributes to his own family’s expenses isn’t good enough for your perfect girl. You have remarried? (there’s mention of a stepparent?) so you already know that the “perfect” match is often terminally flawed. If ahe’s the one with money, why can’t she pay for dates? Would you approve more if they hung out at his house? When the sisters have Bfs, don’t they want to have them at your house?

At this point, I would sit the couple down, apologize for handling things badly, and then tell them the problem areas – sisters want more privacy. DW wants more too. BF needs to do dishes. Be specific about the nudges. But honestly, the complainers are going to get what they wanted – the couple will find a new place to hang out. This was a relationship that probably would have died on its own and now you’ve breathed life into it. So double down, set parameters, and as long as she’s safe you have to stay away. She’s not meant to be your emotional companion, she’s meant to be someone else’s. Let her go. And tell the GP to voice their concerns to her themselves, not make you do it.

4

This is a difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. We want what’s best for our children and it’s so hard to stay on the sidelines while we see them make mistakes, even if they are mature for their age. I think you will need to apologize to your daughter ‘without using the word “but.”’ By that I mean just apologize without explaining your feelings. Just say to her that you were out of line and will support her in this relationship. What she wants is your unconditional love and the space to make mistakes. She is probably aware of peoples’ misgivings about her BF. She says she loves him but I imagine she had nagging doubts in the back of her mind. My guess is that this relationship will eventually end due to the disparity in incomes, cultural traditions, etc.

You can however set some house rules - you can insist the BF help clean up after meals, limit the number of meals he had at your house, etc. it sounds like BF comes from a culture with strict gender roles, but it is your house and you can insist on chores, frequency of visits, etc.

Good luck to you. Keep up the communication with your D. Keep us posted on the progress of the relationship.

5

No you are not wrong for wanting the relationship to be over. But imho you should not have given into confronting her about it. You can’t control everything, and you can’t control an adult child. What happens when you do that is alienate your relationship, which sounds like what happened.

Lots of us have kids with SO’s who we don’t love. But we are not in a relationship with them.

What you could have done is set some parameters as to his time spent in your house and what he is expected to do. If you wanted him to chip in with the dishes, tell him, don’t let your feelings fester.

I’m not going to address your feelings on why you and family don’t think he is right for your D. Plenty of other posters will ;). I’ll be here with the popcorn.

6

I feel very sorry for your daughter and her boyfriend. If she were in an abusive relationship, it would be a different matter, but it appears that her boyfriend’s only “fault” is not being born rich. Most teens/young adults, rich or poor, do not offer to help with chores, but will do them (not necessarily willingly) if asked. Did you ever actually ask him to help with chores?

7

Wow, Dad. This was a huge blunder. No wonder your daughter is hurt. I feel as if you have done real damage, the kind she’ll remember forever, even if the relationship ends. If you thought you were in the right, I doubt you could have written the OP.

I’m sure she’ll always love you, but will she trust you with her emotions? Your choice - validating your daughter as an adult and acknowledging her right to determine her own personal happiness, or hurting her in order to uphold the stepmom’s/grandparents’ POV. No question you have the right to expect certain behavior in your own home, so make clear what it is that you want in terms of sharing the space.

People make mistakes, even loving parents. I would humbly apologize in an attempt to salvage my relationship with my daughter. And I’d tell the stepmom and GPs that it’s time they recognize the boundaries between themselves and this mature, bright, talented and ambitious kid.

8

DG, sorry about your dilemma. I feel your pain, we are sort of on that struggle bus too with our kid even though in our situation, the GF’s family makes more in a minute than they could spend in a lifetime, we find their family culture so at odds with ours, very draconian and controlling.

I don’t care if you’re an Eskimo or Martian so it’s not that, I just worry about their future in a family dynamic like that. Honestly, if I felt that the relationship enriched them both, I would be ok with it, but it doesn’t. The long distance is really tough on her and add to that her family’s extreme demands on her and of him and the whole thing’s just a train wreck. But they are in love, Nothing we can do, DH thinks they’re probably secretly married by now. Of course, he says jokingly, they probably had DS sign a pre-nup lol.

Wish I could say deterrents or inducements help, they don’t. Not for us anyways. Best to just leave it alone and trust their judgment. You never know, I have friends who married paupers from humble backgrounds and they still happily and surprisingly well off. By contrast, I know a ton of divorced people from all sorts of backgrounds. Long as he’s not a golddigger, and he’s loyal and loves her, you couldn’t ask for more from the relationship gods…well you could but that would be greedy :slight_smile: Good luck DG!

9

My D had a boyfriend that I did not like, but it’s because I thought he was emotionally abusive at times (and of course I thought she could do better). So here’s what I did: nothing. I was her sounding board when things went bad, and I offered her advice when she asked, but I never issued ultimatums or told her I was disappointed in her. Boyfriends may come and go (and they may not - have you thought about what may happen if she chooses to marry this boyfriend some day?), but the bond between parent and child can get tricky when that child becomes an adult… and sometimes that bond can be broken over what seems (to us parents) to be trivial matters.

Yes, I think you’re being a racist, classist jerk. It sounds like this guy treats your daughter well, maybe even supports her academic goals, and is not abusive or dangerous. According to your account, his only sins are his socioeconomic status and perhaps his lack of drive; however, I look at your story and I see a kid who has had a rough life but who works to help his mother with the bills and who is moving on with his education.

I found several statements in your post disturbing, but I’ll take my own advice and shut up.

Yes, I think you should apologize. Apologize profusely and sincerely, and try to keep the lines of communication open. Good luck!

10

Oh, and as to your thread title: you’re not necessarily wrong for wantingher relationship to be over, but I think you are wrong for essentially forcing her to choose between her feelings for this young man and her relationship with you. Because that’s what it may feel like to her.

11

To me, he actually sounds like a keeper. He’s overcome quite a bit to get as far as he has. Who knows what he’ll be able to accomplish in the future?

12

the only real issues I can find here is that he doesn’t offer to do dishes, and his presence is annoying to the sisters. I could be wrong, but I’m going to guess that these are half-sisters to your older D, and that the step-mom is their mom. Everything else you say is either positive–he’s getting through college at a normal pace, despite working and helping his mom with bills, or suspicously classist, borderline racist:

“There is also a huge disparity in socio-economic status. We are upper middle class and GP’s are wealthy, while BF is a first generation US resident from another culture who was raised by a single mom who does not speak English and cleans houses for a living. We live in a nice suburban home in a good neighborhood. BF lives in a small, run-down house next to an ethnic restaurant on the “wrong” side of town. BF has worked part time on and off, but when he does I understand he has to give his money to his mother to help pay the household bills.”

I think you made your position very clear there, and if you made the same points to your D, I am not surprised by her reaction.

I think you need to really examine what your real objections to him are, and own them. Then your D can really understand where you are coming from and react accordingly. Or alternatively (and better), you can examine your real objections and seek to change yourself–harder, but ultimately more likely to lead to a positive relationship with your wonderful-sounding D.

13

We have a D like yours who is incredibly accomplished and driven. Her boyfriend of about 4-5 years (I can’t remember now) has a difficult family life and had a lot of struggles. She is going into her last year of her master’s program and he will be graduating with his undergrad degree a semester after she finishes her master’s. He is quite a bit behind her and my husband and I grappled with many of the issues that you have raised, but ultimately we realized something. Our daughter is very driven. She has huge dreams and has accomplished a lot even to this point. The boyfriend makes her happy (he is a good person with great values, but has had challenges to overcome that she has not) and loves her very much and hubby and I both realized that if she were involved with someone as driven as she, it just couldn’t work. She needs someone who will, as we jokingly say, be the male partner to her female pair skater. In other words, she is the star of the show and he just presents her well. I think he will be a great husband someday and help her have a stable, happy, well-run home, which is important. he just wont’ be a superstar and that’s ok because two driven people can often have conflicts. Your daughter sounds like a dream child and this young man doesn’t sound like has character flaws, so I think you made a mistake and have caused harm that might be difficult to fix. Hopefully the young man will want to prove to you that he is worthy of your D and you would be gracious enough to acknowledge his accomplishments if they arise.

As far as doing the dishes and stuff, did anyone ever ask him? Coming from a different culture, why would anyone expect him to read minds?

14

I agree with the others who have said that an apology is necessary. It definitely is. You may wish the relationship to be over but you were absolutely wrong in the way you approached things with your D. I hope for your sake that you have not irreparably damaged your relationship with her. Your objections to this young man are, in my opinion, petty. As the mom of 5 Ds, we’ve had numerous boyfriend relationships in our experience, with boys of varied socio-economic backgrounds. We are very fortunate to be at the top of the economic scale and have welcomed our Ds’ boyfriends who have been at the opposite end, a couple who sound like very similar situation’s to your D’s boyfriend. We’ve always loved having our Ds’ friends and boyfriends in our home. One of them lived with us for nine months during a time where his parents were being dysfunctional.

If a young man is treating your D well, if she’s happy, if he’s continuing his education and working to help with his mother’s finances, I can’t imagine how you would feel right confronting her in the way that you did. Apologize, with no conditions. And if I were you, I’d tell the stepmom and the grandparents to butt out.

15

This is a common scenario, most famously depicted in “Romeo and Juliet”- where when parents oppose a relationship between two young people in love, it drives them together. Sometimes a parent may have valid concerns, but but the child “in love” may not consider them. In addition, your D knows her BF better than you do and may see his good qualities more clearly.

This situation was illustrated well on the show “Parenthood” where the parents had concerns about their 16 year old daughter dating a 19 year old man who was living on his own and a recovering alcoholic. These could be reasonable concerns for parents- but the young man was an exemplary character. He was also a different race, which was not why the parents were concerned, but the daughter accused her parents of racism and this became a rift between her and her parents.

This was a great illustration because one could see where both sides had a point and both sides were blind to an aspect of the relationship. The parents saw the differences in maturity between the two- but the daughter did not. She saw the strong character of this young man before the parents did. Not to spoil it, but each side had something to learn from this.

Since you have welcomed your D’s BF in your home for many years and said nothing, the two of them may be indeed blindsided, hurt and upset about this. I agree that to repair the relationship - you need to make amends to both of them and let them know he is still welcome in your home. You can also ask him to follow your house rules- such as helping with dishes and such.

Although it is possible to criticize your concerns as racist and classist, taking this perspective can shut down dialogue. So rather than do this, I will consider the feelings behind it.

This relationship may or may not progress to marriage. I think those of us who have been married a long time are aware that marriage is not always easy, and that differences in culture and economic challenges can cause stresses in a marriage. It would make sense that a parent would want their child to have a marriage free of as much stress as possible.

However, I think we can all cite examples where marriages between people who are very different at first glance can be happy and fulfilling, and marriages between people of the same background that are miserable. Although it is understandable that you would be concerned for your D, the truth is that your concerns are not valid reasons for your D to break off with this BF and she knows that. Regardless of your reasons, this is her choice to make, and she knows that too.

One of the toughest lessons for us as parents is that- your D is an adult now, can choose her own relationships and will do so regardless of what you say. If you take an opposing stand to this relationship, she may choose him over you. Don’t make her choose, love her unconditionally and accept that she chose this young man, for now. This doesn’t mean you need to keep silent in the face of serious mistreatment, such as abuse, or be an enabler to serious dysfunction, but it seems there isn’t that now. You can also start a dialogue about relationships with her, but in the middle of one, this isn’t likely to be well received. You can also be sure you have discussed contraception with her, and if she has not seen a doctor about this, set up an appointment for her with a gyn- to go alone- no questions asked.

16

OP’s D is how old, 19?

If he talked to her as he described, I think he did fine. I really believe there are plenty of fish in the sea, and if his D is as he described, she will easily meet someone else and has plenty of time to do so. Of course, the final pick could be a worse choice.

Since she is an adult, there is nothing stopping her from continuing to date this guy if she really wants to, but OP has the right to forbid him in his home.

17

Well, the OP may well have just solidified that relationship by being critical of it.

18

"But at 21, he doesn’t have a driver’s license or own a car. (snip) BF lives in a small, run-down house next to an ethnic restaurant on the “wrong” side of town. BF has worked part time on and off, but when he does I understand he has to give his money to his mother to help pay the household bills. "

If they are that poor that he has to give money to his mother to pay household bills, then it seems perfectly understandable why he doesn’t have a car.

I think you need to distinguish between “what he has now” and “what his ambition is.” It’s one thing to ding him for his ambition / work ethic, it’s another to ding him for what he has when he comes from nothing.

19

My BIL’s wife once said that none of us 4 wives of FIL/MIL’s sons were the women that (upper-middle class) FIL/MIL would have chosen for them. Two of us were Methodists and had to convert to Catholicism. Two of us were divorced from previous marriages, of which only one was annulled. Two of us grew up on the “wrong” side of the tracks. My background was one of extreme poverty and dysfunction. I finished my BS 10 YEARS after I graduated from HS. One wife never went to college at all and had an illegitimate child.

Of those 4 marriages, one is now at 27 years, another at 25 years, and a third at 18 years. Only one son is now divorced. And MIL/FIL have come to love and accept all of us, and to appreciate that their sons are not, actually, perfect.

Maybe you could suggest to BF that you would help him learn to drive and get his license. And stop being the bad guy or you won’t be seeing much of your grandchildren.

20

Wow. I think everyone above has already said it.

Some things to think about.

Do not trigger a permanent break. If this relationship ends up being “real” and long term resulting in marriage and children, you could currently be creating the groundwork for never knowing your grandchildren.

I suggest you think about how you would feel if your d was actually a boy and the less affluent significant other a girl. I wonder if the situation would concern you as much.

You might also think a little more long term. It is not easy for both people to have “high powered” careers and children, if that is in the cards for your d. If your d ends up with an intense career, having a bf or spouse who can support and make that primary can make her life a lot easier.

This is the 21st century, afterall.