You should count your lucky stars that all your D is doing is giving you the silent treatment. I wouldn’t have been nearly so nice if my parents were racist, classist jerks who cared more about my partner’s bank account than how s/he treated me.
OP, as another person here said, you aren’t “wrong” to want a different relationship for your daughter. But yes, it sounds to me as if you are judging this kid because of his race and class, which are beyond his control. Have you considered just trying to get to know this young man better yourself? Perhaps that would help you to see what your daughter sees in him.
"When D arrived home for the summer 2 weeks ago, she and BF renewed their old pattern of hanging out on our family room sofa watching movies and eating dinner at our house. "
A young man who doesn’t have a lot of money - who is in a position where he still needs to give his money to keep the electricity turned on - isn’t going to HAVE the money to entertain his girlfriend by taking her out to restaurants, movies, etc. So I’m not sure what you object to. Would you rather he spend money he didn’t have taking your daughter to restaurants while his mother shivers in the dark?
You should be glad that your D is sensitive enough to realize this and is content with enjoying his company in your home.
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BF would eat dinner at our house 2 or 3 times a week – sometimes more – but never offered to help with the dishes, take out the trash, etc. He just stayed glued to D and followed her around like a puppy.
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^^This stuff bothers me. That could have been handled with a simple, “hey Susie and Johnny, help out with the dishes.” or “Johnny, the trash is full; can you take it out?”
As for the comment about “work ethic,” I’m not sure how you’ve determined that. He has a job, he goes to school, he helps his mom with finances…where is the evidence of a lesser “work ethic”?
The other stuff is petty and ugly on your family’s part.
Anyway, your D just finished her first year at UChicago. She has 3+ years to go for her education. With her BF in Calif, and her life getting busier in Chicago (maybe a summer internship somewhere), the relationship may not survive the distance in the long run.
BTW…the wealthy grands are no examples of knowing what’s right and wrong with people. If I remember correctly, their DD (your exWife) is a spoiled brat still living off her wealthy parents.
Unless I am reading this incorrectly, it sounds like you wanted this relationship to end because this young man doesn’t measure up to your economic and social expectations. That is troubling to me.
Is this young man kind and considerate to your daughter? Does he treat her well?
So what if he comes from a less wealthy background, and a single parent household. So what?
It sounds like he is working to overcome some significant financial disadvantages, and wants to achieve. It also sounds like he cares about your daughter…and she cares about him.
I think an apology is warranted, but don’t be surprised if it falls on deaf ears. You have made a statement about this long term relationship, and likely really hurt your daughter in doing so.
I think it is clear that the OP made a mistake. However, he loves his D and now is faced with the task of repairing the relationship if at all possible. In addition to an apology to his D, I think he needs to also apologize to the BF and open some dialogue between the two of them. Surely this BF has heard about this from the D and even if he is told he is welcome, I would guess that he would feel uncomfortable in the OP’s home.
I also don’t think this is an uncommon situation- where parents are upset about a child’s choice of a partner for a number of reasons- the couple stays together and the parents are left repairing the relationship. Parents can and do make mistakes, but this is hopefully a lifelong parent- adult child relationship that can endure this- and maybe even recover stronger than before.
The concern here are the r/s between dad and D, and also dad and BF, because he is most likely feeling very hurt by this- and since D cares about him, this would upset her. She also does love her dad and so may feel torn and upset by this too. I think ultimately most parents want their children- and their children’s SO’s to be in their lives, so how can he accomplish this?
You know, @DGDzDad , there are guys out there with the right pedigree, the right job, and the right education who are alcoholics, drug abusers, cheaters, sociopaths, or just plain jerks - plenty of 'em. I hope none of your daughters ever winds up in that kind of relationship. Two of my ds have had completely awful boyfriends, though they looked terrific at first. These daughters are now in happy relationships with great guys whose resumes are less impressive, but who make them happy and treat them with respect and consideration for their feelings. My husband and I are thankful every day that we kept our mouths shut about hoping our girls would dump the bad boyfriends, and treated those guys as welcome guests in our home. They may not have deserved that, but our daughters did.
Your situation is different. Your daughter is in a happy relationship with a guy who treats her well. Their lives may yet take them in different directions. That’s not up to you to decide - but the kind of relationship you want to have with your adult daughter is.
Pennylane makes a very good point. The father could help the young man to know what is more appropriate behavior in a higher-SES home, maybe even offer some career or social mentoring. Young people who don’t grow up in those kinds of families often don’t know basic things that others take for granted. Things like how to go on a business lunch, interview etiquette. Social etiquette that might make the extended family more comfortable. He knows he’s different and it is possible to provide support rather than judgment.
I would just tell DD you want to talk to her, and then just say you are sorry. You’ve already said things to her about him, so I wouldn’t visit that anymore. Tell her, however, that there needs to be some rules in the house. Like another poster stated, just tell her that there needs to be some groundrules about visiting. i wouldn’t want my DS’s GF’s over all the time, them constantly hogging the couch. I’d also state that everyone needs to help out with dinner to some degree…these things that are bugging you. Just say he’s welcome, but there needs to be boundaries and rules and then just leave it at that.
EDIT: Frazzled makes some good points above.
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Here are your ( daughter’s) issues.
What rough outline of a future together does she see? Is she expecting a career of her own, or one where, if they married, boyfriend would be the breadwinner? Can that happen? Is he bright, ambitious, logical? Is he studying something that can lead to employment, or is he going to flounder? Is daughter happy being a breadwinner in that situation? He is going to school, so maybe this can work out decently, although you seem to question his ambition.
Maybe she doesn’t really see this guy as marriage material, but as a charity project. (Harsh, I know.) But that is a reasonable question, and the answer might suggest that it would be more fair to everyone to end the relationship. Based on what you’ve said, I doubt that this is the case.
Any couple can make anything work out if they’re both ok with it. But sometimes they go down a road with unstated assumptions that aren’t well-founded. There’s an old saw that women marry men thinking that they’ll change, and men marry women thinking that they won’t change…and that both are mistaken. There’s some truth in this, and it would be a decent reflection for your daughter to consider what man she expects this young man to become, and whether he seems to share that vision for himself.
As far as you being a jerk, I don’t see that. You’re responding to a home situation where no one in the family wants this guy constantly in their space. They probably all have their own reasons for that. But you’re the one who has to communicate it. It probably was not possible to do that without it spilling over into some of your own concerns about your daughter’s well-being and choices. Congratulations for caring about your daughter (and the others) enough to not be cowered by fear of being labeled.
My best wishes for things working out well for you daughter.
He is going to college, it sounds like. Is he getting a degree in something that he should be able to support himself with? If he is as poor as you make him out to be, how is he attending college? Financial aid? A job? As for the laziness around the house, yes, have you asked him to help out with chores?
Zoosermom has a good point too. If this young man is being raised by a single parent and they are financially struggling, then he may not have had the chance to have much social and career mentoring. Finances may limit opportunities such as meeting people for dinner in restaurants, meeting people over business, career role models.
However, be careful as helping people navigate these issues could be crossing some boundaries. I think it might be safer to just include him in family activities and be a role model. You could start by asking him what he is interested in -in school, and then take it from there. He may be interested in a career where you have contacts, and that might result in an introduction to someone in his field of interest.
Keep in mind though that your D chose him according to who he is and his values, and not try to change him, but to support his dreams and aspirations as best you can. Even if the r/s doesn’t work out, it is still a good thing to have helped a young man take steps towards a career.
One does need to tread lighter on this situation.
If he is a ‘friend’ versus if he truly is a BF. I wouldn’t push one way or another.
DD is bright, but she does have to figure out her emotions and her feelings - short term and long term.
My older sister married a man that was only a couple years younger than our mother (and 5 years younger than our father) - he was divorced (41) and sis was 24. I never would have dated him, but he was her choice and they have been married 36 years now and have two great kids, and three grand-kids. My sister has made it work, and 1 on 1 he probably is very good to her. My BIL was a jerk to parents, angry (over many years) that they expressed concerns during the sit down when they came to parent’s house to discuss engagement (tiny ring on finger) and marriage plans. BIL would not allow sis to stay overnight at parent’s home until after first child was born (his first wife left him and went back to her parents). Now that parents are dead, he is warmer to the family. He was also an only child (like my mother - they butt heads because both wanted to control my sis). He also didn’t have money. Sis finished college and had a good running used car thanks to my parents’ financial help trickling in for her birthday, Christmas, when tuition was due. BIL was able to advance better in his job thanks to being married (Minister for a major faith).
I am one of 5 siblings, and only this older sis and I have remained happily married to our first and only spouse. Two are happily married to their second spouses, and one is twice divorced.
This BF is comfortable to DD, and may be a ‘first love’. Only over time will the differences between them be something they can have work out or not as a couple. She has opportunities away - of course your hope is that she fully explores these opportunities.
I have two DDs, 19 and 21, and the younger has a college BF who we have not met yet. It sounds like he has had some challenging circumstances in his young life, but he is academically in line with DD. Neither had a BF in HS. Both are attractive, articulate, college scholarship students.
One can change majors, change careers, but if one enters into a sacramental marriage - that is a different story. Plus once you have a child together, you have a bond between the mother/father and their families linked by the child.
Try to have a 1 on 1 talk with DD, and try to smooth over any harshness/gaffs you made in the first obviously traumatizing to her discussion. Maybe you need some instruction on this aspect of parenting/relationships - she is a young adult and you have to respect that. If you keep letting her know you love her and want the best for her but maybe do not handle things well because you are human…
I would limit sharing things with GPs who are well-meaning but it is DD’s life, not theirs.
If he’s 21 and living in CA, I’d want to know why he doesn’t have a driver license. His employment opportunities will be limited without one. If it’s because he has a DUI or drove without a license and was penalized, that says something about his character. If it is because he didn’t have access to a car to learn or take the test, that is another thing.
Consider yourself lucky that they want to hang out at your home rather than always trying to escape to be alone.
Hopefully that hasn’t been ruined by the recent conversation.
Yep, OP, you’re being both racist and classist and a few other things I can’t put here without violating the TOS. The young man is doing everything right to move BEYOND his circumstances and he treats your D well, obviously cares about his mother, and has plans for the future that don’t involve remaining in poverty. As others have said, money doesn’t mean a guy will be “better”, there are creeps, druggies and abusers even in the upper income brackets.
You know what? I MARRIED a guy like your D’s BF, although before she died from overwork, his single mother did teach him how to help around the house, because she was tired of working for people of means who thought of her as “less than”. Oh, and while she was still living, he helped support her with his “low level” job at a call center. But it had hours that he could keep while going to school. When I met him he didn’t own a car and he’d only been out of college for a few years because it took him 8 YEARS to graduate, having to pay for it all himself, even with starting at a CC. We didn’t go on expensive dates, and I did all the driving.
Well, guess what? H has steadily moved up in the working world, he has his own car now, we own a home, and by god, he’s the most considerate, supportive, caring husband and father a person could ask for. He accepted my two older kids as if they were his own, and NEVER forced me to take his side against them.
I feel so sorry for your D and you. What you said may never be reparable. If I were that boy, I’d run for the hills so as not to have to suffer being around you, but I hope he doesn’t. Your D sounds like she’s learned some things you never did, and I think they’d be a good match in many ways. She’s lucky-my own D’s first “great love” was a complete jerk who mistreated her in many ways. But it had nothing at all to do with his class, his race, his education or his social niceties. He did the dishes at my house. He also emotionally abused my D for years. He had a car, too. SO WHAT?
Wow. This is horrible. If I were the daughter, I wouldn’t talk to OP either - in fact, I would be a lot more harsh that that. Just wow.
OP checking in here… sorry not earlier, but I wrote that post in the middle of a sleepless night and just woke up. Thanks to all of you for your well thought out and considerate responses. Much food for thought. To answer a few particular questions, 2 sisters are my children, 1 is DW’s. BF intends to major in the same subject as DD, political science. He says he may want to go into education. Not sure if he is just “following in her footsteps.” I have no reason to believe that he is abusive to her in any way. They are having sex and she is on B.C. No issues there. We had mentioned BF’s lack of pitching in even before she went off to college. She took the hint and the next time they did dishes, or whatever, but went right back to the same pattern. As far as work ethic, there have been a couple of other incidents… he was working part time at a local hardware store but complained he didn’t have enough time for both work and school so he quit after a couple of weeks… yet he still had plenty of time to hang out with DD on the couch watching tv. I wonder too if he might be a “charity project” as someone put it. DD helped him with school assignments and his college applications and I doubt he would have got this far in his education without her. I have repeatedly told GP’s for years to mind their own business and just let this run its course and it will probably run out of steam on its own, but they are impatient. I finally lost my patience as well when I realized the year away did not break them up naturally. I think I’d feel the same way regardless of the kid’s ethnic or socio economic background because I just feel that having a long-distance relationship with a BF back home has a chilling effect on DD’s college social life. Nevertheless, I have already apologized profusely to DD and will continue to do so, and I will offer to speak with BF myself and apologize. I will let them know he is welcome at our house with some reasonable rules designed to respect everyone’s space and privacy, such as 1 dinner per week. I think that covers it. Thank you all again for the insightful comments. Very helpful.
Considering that your objections are mainly based on his family background (low SES immigrant single mother family living on the “wrong” side of town) rather than any specific ill treatment of your daughter, it is easy to see why your daughter thinks that your objections are racist and classist.
Also, it does not look like he is lacking in work ethic, since he has completed an associates degree and is transferring to a four year school to complete a bachelor’s degree, all while helping support his mother.
Two political science majors is worrisome, but it’s not like it’s solely his problem. Your solution sounds good.
I wish I could know your daughter and how she and her BF kept their relationship vibrant over 2000 miles. That’s pretty impressive. I’m going to be facing a long distance relationship soon, with me in college.