OP lives in California, where the community colleges are relatively inexpensive (California residents pay $1,380 for 30 credit units that are a normal year’s full time course load), and good financial aid is available to low income California residents at state universities.
The OP said the boy complained of job taking too much time from school, yet has lots of time to hang with DD and watch TV. Of course, I don’t know if this is just a summer thing. Is BF going to summer school? Does he work at all now?
Some of the most ambitious men, from my parents generation, grew up in poverty. My aunt eloped with a man who was fixing cars, trying to work his way thru college. Her family helped with his tuition. He became a very successful engineer, leaving behind a large estate. He was the nicest man ever. My aunt proved to be the smart one. RIP
“I MARRIED a guy like your D’s BF, although before she died from overwork, his single mother did teach him how to help around the house…”
Being from a poor (immigrant) family does not instantly make one a good person. The second part of the sentence makes a world of difference, trust me. Big kiddo used to date a guy like that - religious refugee immigrant, poor family, got into the big U, overcame yadda yadda, but… the guy expected to be catered to, because that’s what men in their (Eastern European) culture demanded from women - even male children were catered to. I wonder if a similar thing is going on here, and it is the norm in the BF’s family. Lack of work ethics is what is worrisome here, IMO.
It’s entirely possible that the job the BF quit wasn’t compatible with his school hours. My H worked the night shift for years to be able to take a full load of classes when he could afford it. And it sounds as if the D ALSO wasn’t helping after dinners and has the same “lack of ambition” in regards to her major. The number of people with blinders on here is pretty incredible.
OP, I am glad you apologized. I hope your D comes around, but don’t be surprised if she doesn’t. No one likes to be told that they’re an idiot for choosing such a mistake of a person, which is basically what you did.
One more thing to add to the mix:
By forbidding your daughter to entertain her boyfriend in your home, you may have put her in a situation where she has to put herself in physical danger in order to spend time with him.
Because they go to school far away from each other, they probably want to spend as much time as possible together when they’re home. They need to limit their spending on recreational activities because he has very little money, so they have been hanging out at your house instead.
What will they do now that you’ve taken that option away from them? Can they spend time at his mother’s home? Will she allow it? (Remember that she may object to the relationship, too, because your daughter is of a different ethnic background.) Is her home a safe place, or is it in such a bad neighborhood that your daughter, who has to drive there and back on her own, would be unsafe there? And if they can’t go to his mother’s home, what will they do? Hang out in your daughter’s car in parking lots late at night? I wouldn’t want my daughter doing that (or my son, either, for that matter).
I don’t see anything in the OP’s description of the young man that says he lacks a work ethic. He’s going to college, isn’t he, despite what must be formidable obstacles?
It is possible that because of cultural differences, he has attitudes about household chores that might irritate your daughter in the long run. If you hadn’t objected to the relationship overall, this is the kind of subtlety that you could have discussed with your daughter.
“The number of people with blinders on here is pretty incredible.”
Wow, you shared your personal story, I shared mine. NO blinders here, just a different perspective based on personal experience and knowledge of other cultures. And if you are wondering… no, we did not say a word… smart kid dumped the BF eventually.
I see nothing wrong with his not having a liscence.
Some families do not have a car/ extra car for children to drive.
Its a huge expense and responsibility.
I dont think I got my liscence till I was 21, my kids were older.
You can take some credit however, for raising a daughter that did not absorb your own prejudices.
I can see why you would worry about this because an adult who is away from his/her significant other might have difficulty having any sort of social life. A person in that situation doesn’t fit easily in with the social life of couples or that of singles.
But social activities at college today are much more amorphous. Groups of people do things together, and it doesn’t seem to matter that some are couples, some are singles, and some are dating a person who is elsewhere. It’s just a bunch of people on a Saturday night going to an event or playing video games in somebody’s room.
My rule of life as a parent you watch your kids. Trust them. If a parent objects to a possible kid in law I have found that two things occur: If they get married the new kid in law will never forget what you have said. If you break up the relationship…you are telling your kid that they can’t trust their choices. And you may find yourself out of your grandchildren’s lives.
Trust me. My in laws hated me because I am Jewish. The reason that I am not driving to see her is because I don’t want to. Our kids don’t care. Mr. Ellebud doesn’t visit often. I have to remind him to call. Trust me.
“I don’t see anything in the OP’s description of the young man that says he lacks a work ethic.”
Maybe not ethic - but definitely motivation. OP mentioned that the young man spends hours and hours on the couch with the GF… borrowed apartment deposit money from her. I wonder how he is supposed to pay her back… Lack of driver’s license is not a good excuse, unless BF lives in a remote village, which is not what I read here.
And sseamom, I do have another point of reference: the other kid dated a very nice young man from a single parent family. Dirt poor. The kid made the cut and got into a (very prestigious by CC standards) college where students do work their tails off to get decent grades, but he also found time to work to be able to have spending money. Could not drive and did not have a car. From what you’ve posted about your H, this young man fit that description well. 
Ah, BB, I worded that wrong. The people with the blinders on are the GP’s the father and the stepmom. Not those on this thread. And I don’t see the kid in the OP as lacking motivation. Isn’t he ALLOWED downtime? My H did work his tail off, but I’ve met his best friend, and I can tell you, they had plenty of time for all kinds of recreation. You can only work so many hours in a day. And my H did in fact, need to borrow money for large sums like a deposit on an apartment. I have a friend right now living in an expensive area (like Seattle or Cali) and she needed to come up with 1st, last AND a security deposit. Not too many kids working PT and going to school can manage that unless they’re from a well off family.
BB, I work with families like the boyfriend’s. And knowing what he likely had to do to even get where he is now, I would never think that he lacks motivation. He’s already done more than many, many kids in his situation would have managed.Maybe he hasn’t got it all figured out yet. We cut our “kids on the couch” some slack, why not this kid?
Why does the father think it’s OK for the OP’s daughter to major in political science but it’s not OK for her BF to do the same?
Agrree that we can WANT whatever for each of our kids, but VOICING it is something else entirely. This young man whom your D professes to love sounds like a very sweet person who treats your D well and is good about helping support his mom. Those are all commendable in my book. If the family has SPECIFIC things they want the couple to change like having him help with dishes, having a time limit in the TV room, etc., those can easily be spelled out for your D.
As others have said, it really sounds like this young man is a good person and is good to your D. He has overcome a great deal of adversity as well and sounds like he will continue to do so. Your D lending him money for a deposit for his U doesn’t sound unreasonable and it sounds like he will pay her back.
I agree that a PROMPT apology to your D and her BF is in order, as well as spelling out the particular changes you’d like from the couple, as explained in the first paragraph above would be useful.
SSeamom, I understand. What I am saying is that I’ve seen the other side of the medal, and I wanted to bring it up to balance the perspective. I too have seen immigrant families coming to the US with zero $ in their pockets, parents escaping real nightmares and working hard to provide for their kids, and yet said parents would cut their male kids so much slack - just because it was in their culture. Armenian, Ukrainian, Bosnian… When I said “overcame yadda yadda,” it was sarcasm. The kids did not overcome anything. Their parents did. What OP wrote about the bf sounded much like what I’ve seen… Which may or may not be the case here, because we only have the OP’s words to interpret.
Maybe it is a cultural thing or standards in your area that everyone is having sex, but sex is a very physically binding thing.
And birth control pills can fail!
I hate any idea of ‘friends with benefits’ too.
So is sex something very casual or is it part of a serious bond? If it has a chilling effect on her social life at college, it is probably because she is a monogamous dater and maybe she is holding out that she will have a life with this BF - or that is her choice for now. And maybe at school she is having fun with friends in a group and not looking for a BF.
So what do they both want to do with a political science degree? She probably knows to be seeking out internship or maybe even study abroad for next summer…
I know many think teen sex is OK, but it is playing with fire and IMHO takes away from a marital commitment between H and W when there are others in the past sex history. Water under the bridge with this gal and her BF, but she can choose to regain her chastity from some time going forward.
Your DD may have a low self esteem tied in with the sex. Maybe not, but the sex puts the BF relationship on a stronger level IMHO.
Perhaps you don’t want younger sisters to go down this same road - and perhaps this has more to do with their mother and them than father/daughter discussions.
I would not mind DD ‘helping him’ in some of the smaller financial ways and with his career. Personally in our household, the sex would be a very big problem. Maybe academically he could not do well with working some hours during the school year - however it also is not good to see him with a low work ethic.
Has DD had previous non-sexual BFs or is this the one and only?
DD likes her school and is excited to go back in the fall? Does she think she will continue with this BF and not look around during her next year at school because of her feelings for BF?
Life is complicated enough without teenage sex making it even more complicated.
One reason I know of for students in low income families to not have a licence and car is the cost of insurance. I think it is required to show proof of insurance to get a driver’s license, and the cost of insurance for a young inexperienced male driver is significant. I can only imagine it is expensive in CA.
I have seen this situation between parent and adult children play out in a similar way for families for a variety of reasons. I made this mistake myself- for different reasons. I felt the relationship was unhealthy and my kid was showing signs of stress from it. Still, saying something caused a rift between us, and I had to back off.
I don’t think the OP is wrong to want this relationship to end- but his D also is her own person with different feelings. I know I wanted that one to end, but I had to learn to step away from the situation as it was not my place to decide. It was a learning experience for both of us.
I think the best we can hope for is that our children choose good people and are happy. If your D seems happy in this r/s then it is likely she did make this choice.
She’s 19. Yes, she is “technically” a teenager by language but she is a legal adult. BCP can fail- so maybe she should use something more permanent and reliable. Implants are more effective than tubal ligation.
I relate to your D. I was poor but I dated someone much, much poorer in high school. We were together 5 years before the relationship naturally ran its course (we broke up sophomore year of college). He was not driven but he was good to me. He got his GED instead of finishing high school and I don’t think he ever got even an associate’s. But, he worked his butt off and was one of the hardest workers I’ve ever met. On his off time, you bet your butt he sat on the couch and did nothing.
My parents never said a word. They supported us even though they knew it wouldn’t last and we were too different.
And yes, I had sex with him for most of the relationship. That made no difference in how much it hurt (or didn’t, really) when the relationship dissolved.
If your D needs help from GP’s to pay for college where is she getting the money to loan him? Shouldn’t she use her money for her own needs first? If I was the GP this would bother me. Shouldn’t they both be working over the summer?
It is not required in California to have car insurance to get a driver’s license. However, if his low-income mother has a car, then adding a new male driver to the household may make her car insurance unaffordable, since insurance companies will assume that any licensed driver in the household can regularly use any car in the household. And if neither he nor his mother has a car (or wants or is financially able to buy one), there may be neither the need nor the opportunity to practice driving to get a driver’s license.
My DH is the only guy I ever dated in a remotely serious way. My parents barely knew him but my Dad, when they were introduced, said “My daughter is one of the smartest people I know, so you must be a great guy”. The joke in my family after 30+ years is that Dad sometimes forgets that DH isn’t his own son. My MIL was reviled by her own MIL as “trash” and swore she would embrace whomever her children brought home. So she accepted me – a girl she didn’t know, had nothing in common with other than both being crazy about her son.
I wouldn’t be too hard on the OP. Who among us hasn’t had a head-slappingly stupid moment of parenting we’d like to do over?