"Your DD may have a low self esteem tied in with the sex. "
Oh please. Breaking news: Young women of 18, 19 or so have hormones just like young men do. There’s nothing in this story to suggest she doesn’t want to be intimate with the young man or that she’s being forced into something that she’d rather not be doing. This is NOT the focus of the OP’s issue.
“One reason I know of for students in low income families to not have a licence and car is the cost of insurance.”
How about the freakin’ cost of the car? This is when, sometimes, CC-ers just act as though they are out of touch with the real world. Isn’t it more than a little arrogant to assume everyone has the money for his own car? Good grief, my upper middle class teenagers didn’t even have their own cars, gasp.
This kid comes from a dirt poor background where he needs to give his mother money to cover the utilities! Gee, let me scratch my head here and wonder why he doesn’t have a car. Gosh, this is a toughie. I wonder also why he doesn’t take my daughter out to Cheesecake Factory once a week and buy her flowers on Valentine’s Day. @@
(not directed at you, poster above!)
There do seem to be many old beaters in California (no rust) that cost less than the yearly car insurance bill for a new male driver. Granted, the typical (high SES) poster of these forums probably wouldn’t consider buying such a car…
Still, even the cheapest car, plus insurance, plus fuel, plus maintenance, is more expensive than taking public transportation.
In CA, insuring a male under 26 can cost $2k+/year, even with good student discount. I’m sure other states also charge a bit extra to insure young males. The car and maintenance would be additional costs. I can certainly see why a young man helping his single mom pay bills isn’t driving–can’t afford it!
I was not ignoring the cost of the car. The discussion seemed to be focused on the boyfriend not having a license so I was addressing the cost of getting that. I speak from experience with students who may be able to borrow a parent’s car, but they can’t get a license because of the additional cost of insurance. I also speak from my own experience. I do not assume students have cars . I did not have a car in college. My parents helped me get one when I was employed after graduation and could afford the upkeep. But I did have a license and could borrow theirs when I was at home.
I didn’t see your comment about the post not being addressed to me when I wrote this- but it can clarify that there are economic barriers to getting a license.
Uh, no. No it doesn’t.
Yes, having a license doesn’t mean you have to have a car. Some jobs require it, so you take yourself out of the running for those jobs if you don’t have a license.
Ucbalumnus has a point about lack of access to a car too. This could result in someone being hesitant to drive and not being able to practice to pass the test.
Some states require proof of insurance to get a license - I guess CA does not but one still needs it to be added to the policy to drive a parent’s car.
I think you have to show proof of insurance for the car you are driving during the test in CA. So it could be a friend’s car that is insured.
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he was working part time at a local hardware store but complained he didn’t have enough time for both work and school so he quit after a couple of weeks… yet he still had plenty of time to hang out with DD on the couch watching tv. I
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Ok…that doesn’t sound good. It can be an impulsive choice to quit a job just so he can hang out more often with his GF.
However, if your DD was working, THEN SHE WOULDN’T be available so much. Why isn’t SHE working? What’s up with her work ethic?
To the person who asked why he doesn’t have a DL… Likely, he has no car to drive. Having a car, car insurance, car registration, gasoline, etc…are very expensive. His mom likely can’t afford him to have a car. She might not even have a car.
dad is an attorney. Likely DD has similar hopes with her Poly Sci degree and then law school?. Maybe BF does too?
I can understand the concern that having a long distance BF during the school year is having a chilling effect on her college social life. If they’re spending much of their free time texting, calling, etc, then that’s kind of sad.
Re the car and license: maybe it’s different in CA, but in NJ, the minute my kids got licenses, I needed to add them to my insurance. Which raised it quite a lot. So I can see why he wouldn’t want one. (and also, if no car, no need for one–the whole idea of “gotta get my license the day I can” is very baby boomer. Lots of young folks don’t have them, these days.
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recently learned that she loaned BF the money for his housing deposit. She says he’ll pay her back.
As far as work ethic, there have been a couple of other incidents… he was working part time at a local hardware store but complained he didn’t have enough time for both work and school so he quit after a couple of weeks… yet he still had plenty of time to hang out with DD on the couch watching tv.
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Is he working now? or is he not working now because he quit his job so that he could spend more time with your DD? If so, then the concern is that he “threw away” a job when he knew he had a housing deposit to pay for. That is not only short-sighted, but kind of suggests that he “knew” he could get the money from his more affluent GF.
I think that while you may have a couple of VALID concerns, you “muddied” any possible legit concerns with statements that aren’t relevant and are, actually, ugly. As an attorney, I’m surprised that you’d make those missteps. 
If he pays your DD back, then super. If he doesn’t, then she’ll have learned a valuable (but not too pricey) lesson…and I hope she “connects the dots” that quitting a job is not a wise thing to do when a person has “bills to pay.”
As I mentioned earlier, the Grands’ opinions aren’t really relevant. I wonder why they haven’t thrown a fit that their own spoiled daughter is with a man who seems to be a complete loser.
Someone mentioned that this young man may not have been exposed to certain social skills. Well, take him under your wing! You don’t have any sons…he can be the son you never had! lol It doesn’t sound like he has a father in his life. He probably admires you and your success (except right now, he’s bruised). Time to man-up and fix that.
When your kids’ friends and SO’s respect you and like you, then they’re willing to listen to any respectfully-given advice you can offer (they may not take it, but they’ll at least consider it).
You have an opportunity to be this young man’s hero…I wouldn’t take that opportunity lightly.
Yes, this is the issue in California if his mother has a car – if he gets a license, his mother’s car insurance will increase greatly because he is now a potential (and risky from insurance company viewpoints) driver as long as he lives in the same household.
garland - my car is registered in NJ and D2 is not on my insurance. She has a license, but she can’t drive, and my insurance company didn’t have an issue with it.
OP - does your daughter spend any time over her BF’s house? If not, why? I would also ask her what kind of life style she wants to live in when she is on her own. Who would provide for it? Do you know what is it about the BF your D loves?
When I was in college, a girlfriend of mine went out with a townie. They were madly in love. They went out while she was in school. She came from a very wealthy family and he was blue collar worker in a very small town. Over a summer, she invited him to visit her at home. He packed a huge suitcase for a 2 day visit because he wasn’t sure what to bring. She said her parents were very nice, but her BF felt completely out of place. They ended up breaking up because they knew there was no future for them.
I have a daughter who is going out with someone who is below our SES, and another daughter who is going out with someone who is way above our SES. I asked both of them if they felt comfortable with their BF’s family. I told them if they didn’t like the BF’s family they should re-consider their relationship.
When you get involved with someone, you are involved with his/her whole family and upbringing.
I think you got pushed my DW, just a little pressure. I don’t care or mine about the SES level but I want my kids to have boyfriend who has strong work ethic. Heck, I don’t want my kids to get all stressed out for supporting a bum. Trust me, I have a relative who married such bum and lived to regret it. Of course it was love at first sight for that relative too.
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she and BF renewed their old pattern of hanging out on our family room sofa watching movies and eating dinner at our house. Sisters went on the war path and DW (D’s step-mom) lost her cool and demanded I take action.
They are having sex and she is on B.C. No issues there.
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Assuming that he’s not spending the night, are the 3 younger sisters bothered that they’re having sex in the house with them around? I can understand why younger sisters might be a bit “put off” if their big sister and her BF disappear in a bedroom for awhile, knowing what’s going on. I know that you didn’t say that they’re having sex in your home during the daytime, but from the sounds of it, when and where else would they be having sex?
I agree that it is certainly your right to wish the relationship had not survived your daughter’s freshman year at college- but it did. This is where you needed to just keep your mouth shut and let her figure it out for herself- or not. This young man may be the love of her life and be the one she marries, or she may decide in the next year that she is missing out on meeting other boys at college that she might want to date. It’s up to her.
My parents (somewhat surprisingly) did exactly the right thing. I had a much older boyfriend my senior year in high school- and I don’t mean just a couple of years. He was a wonderful man, but way below my family in social stature and education. My parents figured out that he was a really good guy and they enjoyed his company, too. His family members (siblings) expressed concern to my parents that we might marry and that it was a problem because I was not Catholic. My parents told them “She is not going to marry him. Just leave it alone.” They were right. I did hold onto the relationship through my freshman year away at college and much of the way through sophomore year, but I finally ended it because we really were quite different and I was going to be headed for law school. He remained a family friend and still is to this day- 46 years later.
I dated a boy my parents didn’t like. They almost prevented me from going to Northwestern (he was already there, a year ahead) because of him. And in hindsight they had valid points. But they also tried to take him under their wing like m2ck suggests. They bought him a winter coat and a suit and they tried to expose him to a better standard of living. We wound up breaking up my freshman year and I moved on to now-H.
UChicago? Not much opportunity for finding replacement BF, not really, not a very social campus.