^^
My comment had nothing to do with SES. My comment simply mentioned that his mom speaks little English, but I don’t know the ethnicity. He may also be white…we don’t know. If I were to guess, I would guess that he’s Hispanic, but that’s just a guess.
I’m still wondering why there was a mention that there’s an “ethnic restaurant” next to his home. Why does that bother the OP and what is that “telling him”???
^It could mean that he lives in a mixed-use neighborhood, rather than a residential zone, which in CA probably (not always) means a lower-income area, but that goes without saying if his mom is a single non-English speaking house cleaner.
I’ll overlook the SES issue and stick with what sticks out to me in this situation. The BF is three years out of high school and just now finishing his AA degree? That should only take two years. Then there’s the work ethic. Does he or has he ever had a job? Any job while getting the AA degree. You didn’t mention it so I’m guessing, no.
Giving the OP the benefit of the doubt, I think we would all be concerned that the kid lacks work ethic, maybe lacks drive or ambition. What kind of grades did he get in community college or high school?
I wouldn’t worry about ‘marrying down’ in the SES department but in the work, drive, intelligence, ambition, etc. area, those are valid concerns.
Mcat, in my neighborhood the whites aren’t always richer. I’ve known people who are in similar situation maybe 20 years ago, the girl was rich Asian and the BF was a white kid from poor single white mother.
I made that particular comment because as I read it’s eerily similar. But the rich(as in better than poor, but not top 1%) patents were accepting of the poor white kid.
Not everyone can go to school full time. CC is obsessed with “on time” crap when it comes to college. Not everyone has that luxury. In fact, many don’t.
The OP did mention jobs. He works and gives money to mom. It does say he works on and off but there could be any number of reasons for that especially if he doesn’t have transportation.
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BF has worked part time on and off, but when he does I understand he has to give his money to his mother to help pay the household bills. Because of BF’s financial situation, D often pays for their dates. I recently learned that she loaned BF the money for his housing deposit. She says he’ll pay her back.
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As far as work ethic, there have been a couple of other incidents… he was working part time at a local hardware store but complained he didn’t have enough time for both work and school so he quit after a couple of weeks… yet he still had plenty of time to hang out with DD on the couch watching tv.
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This is one of the dad’s concerns about work-ethic. He doesn’t seem to be working this summer…likely so he’s available to hang out with DD.
It is bothersome that he quit a needed job when he knew that he had upcoming expenses…housing deposit, helping his mom out, and occasional dates.
Is there any similar “sanity check” to tell whether a GF of your love one will likely be a good wife in the future? Like: “How does she treat her father?” Or, how does she treat her younger siblings (if she has any)?
^^
Good question. Actually, in both cases, I’d look for red flags (as warnings) and a good temperament (as a plus).
The boyfriend in question is transferring to an unspecified state university (UC or CSU).
EFC = $0 California residents (which the boyfriend probably is) would probably see a $8,500 to $10,000 net price at UCs, which is the expected student contribution (federal direct loan + expected work earnings). Add $22,878 (the additional non-resident tuition) for non-residents.
So $10,000 is still a lot of money, that’s why most students go to CC also work part time for the money.
But then they get criticized if they take more than 2 years to get an AA (which isn’t unusual if people need to work to support themselves and help their families).
This is assuming to that he lives somewhere with public transportation as he doesn’t have a car/license. That is a whole 'nother barrier.
This can be debated in theory, but is really irrelevant. Asian (or any other race/ethnicity) parents can be racist and classist with respect to their kids’ choice of SOs, just like white parents.
Or has to fit part time work and average-of-2/3-time school together into his schedule.
Um… I know a lot of Euro-American house cleaners. It isn’t that unusual especially if you live in a predominantly white area.
If the Grands really love OP’s D, they could help this poor young man out with a small fracton of their wealth. They could find out in the next couple of years whether this young man has work ethics and the D could decide whether he is a keeper or not.
Do they really have such a big heart and wisdom to do so? I doubt they do.
My daughter’s friend did finish his pre-reqs in 2 years while working part time. He is now able to transfer to UCB. The rest of her friends had planned from beginning to graduate in 3 years and they are on track to do that. I mean the part time job didn’t hold him back.
Mcat, these grandparents are already paying for private college, I assume, since OP stated that public was all he could afford, on another thread.
Some peoplw may feel that if they are paying, then they have a say. Often in things that arent ant of their business.
Im wondering if the grandparents are now committed to helping the siblings as well, going by OPs declaration that he wouldnt accept any money for oldest otherwise.
OP, I went and reread an old thread because I thought I vaguely remembered some details and I wanted to clarify before posting.
If I understand correctly, your ex-wife didn’t have a strong work ethic and in fact it seems like she didn’t work at all. Yet, you married her and had three children with her. Is this possibly a reason why you’re having such a strong reaction to your D’s relationship? Or is it OK for the wife not to work but not the spouse?
“But then they get criticized if they take more than 2 years to get an AA (which isn’t unusual if people need to work to support themselves and help their families).”
It drags out the tuition and in the end costs more. Moreover, a HS student can get really creative and cut the time and $$ in half using programs like running start etc. that allow kids to take college classes for free and then get AA in one year after graduating from HS. Where there is a will, there is a way. For molly’s sake, kids in my 'hood go to law school full time and (although nowadays it is not technically allowed by the ABA) work full time to support families. One of the lawyers I know did that because 4 years of night school would have been more expensive than 3 years of full time.
A big question is whether this young man really needs a 4-yr Poly Sci degree… My father did super well in life as a welder with no college education. A couple of my female friends (both PhD holders) married guys with no college education; one moved up the ladder in the plumbing business, the other is an artist. Not stay at home dads. Not everyone needs to go to college; there always will be houses and cars that will need fixing. A good seamstress is worth her weight in silver thread. A good car mechanic is worth his weight in Pd or Pt (think catalytic converters 
). A good plumber is worth his weight in copper piping. My hair stylist charges $70/cut, and it is hard to get onto her list. Just sayin’.
" If I understand correctly, your ex-wife didn’t have a strong work ethic and in fact it seems like she didn’t work at all. Yet, you married her and had three children with her…"
Ahem, romani… taking care of 3 kids is a lot of work.
It does not sound like this is what the plan here. At 19, D is too young to plan that far ahead.