Yes, but they presumably didn’t have 3 children when they married and he has custody of the 3 kids.
BB, it’s true some don’t need to go to college to succeed in life but has this BF give college his all yet? It seems like he’s a not really sure or think through things. Possibly he studied Political Science because his GF does, who knows?
Just wanted to say before I bow out of this discussion. We all come here with our own little biases, influenced by our own experiences, and look for confirmation of our biases in the OP’s writings. It is very difficult to provide objective advice in these situations. The most reasonable, level-headed advice in this thread, IMO, was offered by oldfort.
California community colleges charge tuition by the credit unit, so tuition charges are not increased by spreading out attendance over more semesters. Of course, going through college part time can increase opportunity cost (i.e. working at lower paid non-college-graduate jobs while going to school rather than graduating earlier and starting work at usually higher paid college-graduate jobs earlier), but there are various reasons why students may find that upper middle to upper class norm of full time college attendance immediately after high school to be difficult (financially or otherwise).
Wouldn’t the same question be reasonably asked of the OP’s daughter (or stepdaughter)? Or is there an unstated assumption that this question is only to be asked for people from low income families, and that going to college for a bachelor’s degree is to be expected for those from high income families?
The OP mentioned that the boyfriend is somewhat shy, so I’m getting the impression that Dad and BF may not have spent a lot of time talking, even though DD has been dating this young man for three years, and he spends no small amount of time in the family home. If BF is kind of taciturn, there may occur more instances of awkward silence than Dad feels comfortable confronting. A silent lump on your sofa or at the dinner table can indeed be off-putting. Just conjecture here, given that OP really hasn’t given us information about BF’s personality, just a bunch of situational facts that may or may not have any baring on whether dad should really be concerned about the relationship.
None of us knows anything about the personality of the BF, having never met him. Perhaps if we did, we’d not be crazy about him either. Or perhaps we would. The point is, only the OP has actually has the opportunity to gather multiple impressions about BF over time. I wonder if the BF’s shyness erects a wall that the dad feels he can’t push through in order to get to know him, so he’s left to wonder why DD is so crazy for the guy that her head remains unturned, even though she has gone away to college clear across the country.
I’d really be interested in reading what the OP thinks of the BF as a person, not as a bunch of socio-ethnic Factoids. How does the BF interact with DD? Does he seem to love her, or does he seem to take her love for granted? What kinds of things do they all talk about when gathered together? What interests (other than apparently, D) does the BF have? When you look into the eyes of another person, all kinds of things can get communicated back and forth in an instant, not the least of them being, respect (or lack thereof), a sense of integrity or dishonesty, humor, fear, trust or Guardedness, intelligence, acceptance or resentment, on and on and on… I’d kind of like to be a fly on the wall during some of these times when the whole family as been together with BF. Dad indicates that no one, other than DD, seems to like the BF. Why exactly? And I mean, exactly. Not things like the fact that he’s never offered to do the dishes (which honestly sounds kind of small, unless it factors in with a number of other negative impressions he gives off).
The OP has disavowed the idea that his misgivings are about the BF’s race and class, so I’d like to take him at his word (despite some contradictory statements). I know he’s probably feeling being somewhat attacked here, and so has not been back to lend much more in the way of insight. I understand how he might very much be regretting posting about this, in light of the response. I think I’ve come to understand how very much this rift with his D is causing him pain. That alone makes me feel sympathy. He’s feeling guilty and conflicted and pressured from every side. (The grandparents sound like people whom I’d not particularly want to know…). I personally decline to pile on. But, if OP feels so inclined, I’d be interested in reading what impressions he feels he’s gotten about the BF, as one human being to another. Everyone wants their child to be well matched. Most certainly so on the level that matters most: human compatibility.
Of course we all come in with our own biases but so many of the posts/questions in this thread show that many people here have ZERO idea what it’s like to be poor in this country and it’s breaking my heart.
I get that no one wants their kid to struggle financially when they get married and whatnot. I’m pretty sure some CC parents would have a heart attack if they knew what Mr. Romani made. Yet, I truly believe that as long as you have enough to pay the bills then it’s all about how your spouse treats you. Maybe I worked at a DV shelter for too long that I have “low” standards.
I grew up poor but I grew up with so much love and acceptance that I wouldn’t trade a minute of it. It was hard and I hope that my kids don’t have to grow up in poverty like I did but if it’s between raising them with high incomes and two parents with high-powered, demanding careers and growing up poor but with at least one parent that has chosen to put family above a career, I’d take the latter every day of the week and do it with a smile on my face.
Whole heartedly 2nd this.
So now we’re criticizing him for even GOING to college?? Oh good grief! Running Start is great for some kids, IF you can get to the college and IF it doesn’t clash with any classes you might still need at the HS. You also need the principal to sign off on your attending, and they don’t all rubber-stamp. At D’s school, they tried to dissuade one kid from doing it because they felt he would not get the challenge he needed.
The most common reason it takes longer than the “correct” time to be at a 2 or 4 year college is that whether or not a kid is working, they don’t always have the money to take a full load of classes, or some required classes are offered at the same time as a needed job. In addition to his triple major, those are both reasons it took my H longer to finish college. Because this kid, like my H did, is also helping pay his mom’s bills, sometimes emergencies come up and you need to spend tuition money on a repair to the car, or a prescription, or some other household matter. Sometimes H took less than a full load for exactly that. Or the work hours are cut, and there’s not enough to go around. Or your position at work is changed and it’s either take hours that conflict with school or lose the job (also something that happened to H).
Some here are right-we DON’T know what the BF is really like. But there are lots of very valid reasons that would explain why he’s not working FT or maybe even consistently, why he’s at a CC and not a 4-year school, why he doesn’t drive, and I think a lot of people are either missing these or just have no real frame of reference for the kind of life he has.
Some of the kids from such situations overcome astonishing odds to even finish HS. Some don’t have teachers or guidance counselors to help them, others don’t even have supportive parents. But it seems like this boy can’t win. He should be at a 4-year college because they’re “free” to the poor. He should have gotten through his 2-year program faster because that he didn’t means he’s not very bright or good with money, or maybe just has no ambition. He shouldn’t have even GONE to college because you don’t need it (guess only the “right” kids should go). Is it any wonder some kids in his shoes just throw up their hands and don’t even try when for some of those who could help them, they cannot do it right no matter what they do?
"has this BF give college his all yet? It seems like he’s a not really sure or think through things. Possibly he studied Political Science because his GF does, who knows? "
How do you figure that? THe boy already HAS his AA, so didn’t HIS choice of study come BEFORE the D’s? And even though he’s COMPLETED a degree, has been accepted to a 4-year college, all while helping support his mother, he “isn’t sure” and isn’t “thinking things through”. SMDH.
What IS ok here? Full-steam ahead at a “rigorous” 4-year college only, whether or not he can afford it, and with plans for only a certain number of CC approved jobs? I can see what this poor kid is up against given many of the comments here.
"If the Grands really love OP’s D, they could help this poor young man out with a small fracton of their wealth. They could find out in the next couple of years whether this young man has work ethics and the D could decide whether he is a keeper or not.
Do they really have such a big heart and wisdom to do so? I doubt they do."
Oh come on now. The grandparents are not obligated under any circumstances to give one penny of their money to this young man in the hopes that he is a keeper. It is ludicrous to suggest that they have any moral obligation to do so.
it’s really easy to spend other people’s money, isn’t it? Wealthy people’s money is just there for the taking if they aren’t actively using it? IIRC the grandparents are already funding or helping fund an expensive college, which is extremely generous.
I’ll get pilloried for saying this, but in the absence of knowing what ethnicity this young man is, and of course in the absence of knowing him as a person, there are ethnicities where a work ethic and can-do spirit appear more prevalent than others. Perhaps that subconsciously influences the OP if the young man is not one of those.
For example, in my city, the Polish people are known for having a tremendous work ethic. They may be doubling up in apartments and cleaning houses, but they are working hard at doing so, have ambition, value education, and are also saving every penny they can to try to better themselves, keeping out of trouble, etc. (And yes, of course there are exceptions to the rule.)
I see this exemplified in my H’s office - several of the employees have college age children, but there are clear differences between the Polish immigrant office manager who scrimped and saved and is now preparing to have her talented daughter apply to good schools, and some of the others who just frittered away money on fancy cars and eating out and drinking and exhibited short-term thinking and are all “what happened, puppy?” now that they have to confront college costs so CC it will be because they never grasped that if they’d packed a lunch at work they could have saved $40/week and if they didn’t have a margarita after work on Friday they could have saved another $10.
You know what my children’s “wealthy grands” owe my children’s dates, mcat? Politeness and courtesy. That’s it.
That really, really frosts me that you think people who work hard for their money are obligated to give it away or they “don’t have a big heart.”
There has been a lot of conjecture as to the BF’s background and culture and the reasons why he isn’t working, isn’t helping out when a frequent guest at someone’s home who is being very generous with him. None of us know the reasons for this.
Several here are giving him a pass for possible cultural reasons and/or think he is owed something by the OP or his family.
Is it a weakness or blindness on the part of the OP’s daughter, some sort of emotional dependency? She wouldn’t be the first person whose good judgement was clouded by their emotions.
None of us know anything about the OP and his families circumstances. Some of you seem to have a recollection of prior things in his families history or have researched it (a bit creepy).
Maybe the BF represents or provides a particular constant for OP’s daughter. Who the heck knows!
What I do know is that the BF is severely lacking in manners and awareness. If he is not working at his age, that is absolutely not okay, the description of his work circumstances and whether he is contributing to assist his Mother is not very clear to me.
This notion that he is owed something is troubling. He has to play the hand he was dealt like we all have had to do. With courtesy and respect to others and the continual development and improvement of himself he will see more generosity and kindness and opportunity come his way.
I hope the OP is sitting back and laughing his head off as his family and life is picked apart in 16 pages. Some legitimate advice has been given and some legitimate questions asked. The rest, though…geez.
I’m a little concerned about the young man’s choice of major.
Political science is not one of the better choices for someone who will most likely want to get a job after graduation rather than immediately going to a graduate or professional school. But this young man – a first-generation college student – may not realize that.
Some people who post here may not understand how little a first-generation college student may know about college and careers. Long ago, I was a first-generation college student, and I had no idea whatsoever about what life was like after college graduation. I had never met a college graduate except for my teachers (and I knew that I didn’t have what it takes to be a teacher and therefore wouldn’t major in education). I had no idea that some college majors led to better job prospects than others do. I wonder whether this young man knows.
Romani - you don’t get to corner on being poor. Many of us came from poor family and we didn’t get to be where we are at making some tough choices. Do you think I decided to major in math and Econ because I loved those majors? Do you think I even pick up wsj if I could help it? My dad told me I was not going to be able to earn a living by being an artist or a violinist. He said unfortunately I was not born into such a family to afford that kind of work. But guess what, my girls were able to afford 15+ years of ballet training because of me, and we are able to attend regular ballet performances in NYC. My kids were also able to grow up in a very loving and supporting family, and we are not poor now. I grew up in a poor(relatively) family, but my family was very close.
In my opinion, the BF didn’t have the luxury of taking a humanities major without a clear direction of what he wanted do with the major. Knowing his mother was scrubbing floors, if he was a responsible young man, he would had a full time job while going to school. Many self supporting adults do that. They do not give up good paying jobs.
Many posters on CC know I just ended my 30+ years of marriage, so there is a lot of self reflection on what happened. Without going into details, my advice to my girls (and anyone who would listen) is to be self supporting and look for an equal partner, who is also self supporting.
Here’s what I’m learning here:
- a person’s race, ethnicity, SES level, family circumstances, where he lives, what businesses he lives near–all have nothing to do with what another person thinks of him–yet need to be described in detail, so you’ll know what I’m talkin about…
2)poor people have bad manners cuz they don’t know any better. that’s the only reason they’re not in the kitchen, doing the dishes.
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only rich kids should choose from all the majors–this kid clearly should have majored in accounting. Or welding (and skipped higher ed entirely.)
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the prejudices against rich Grandparents are appalling. Something needs to be done about this.
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some ethnic groups are just harding working than others. White ones.
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Poor kids should be better at negotiating the whole college system than our kids.
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Anyone who takes three year to get AA is a lazy bum. Or at least shows troubling character questions.
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That CC is a GREAT place to really learn about people.
The kid needs some manners. Lift a finger and offer to help out if he is fed a meal in someones home. Makes absolutely no difference what his ethnicity is.
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Political science is not one of the better choices for someone who will most likely want to get a job after graduation rather than immediately going to a graduate or professional school. But this young man – a first-generation college student – may not realize that.
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This could be true. He may have selected that major because his GF did (and maybe the OP did as well), so he may not realize that if you don’t go the grad/prof school route, his options may be limited. Or, he may truly want to teach, and polysci and teaching is his passion. We don’t know. I think the OP is concerned that he doesn’t show any passion…other than for his D 
The D has long been very self-directed. That may be part of his attraction to her.
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5) some ethnic groups are just harding working than others. White ones.
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I do not think @Pizzagirl was saying that “white” folks are harder working. She just used the Polish folks she knows as an example. She could have used Vietnamese people (or others) who are similar. Not every culture has what we used to call the “Puritan work ethic”. It doesn’t necessarily mean that those cultures are lazy, it just means that they may have other values.
@Pizzagirl made some very good points. Modest income people, like everyone, make choices on how they spend their money, and there can be very different results. Some will get their paychecks and waste some on cigarettes, beer, and some shiny item. Others will take that same money and save it for a rainy day. It’s not a racial thing.
No one here thinks “white folks” are “harder working.” All of us know plenty of white folks who are outright lazy, mooching, bums.
If the D has been dating this guy for three years and no one in the family likes him yet, that says enough for me. I hope they break up.