The D is dense or just doesn’t care either. I don’t think it is all about the BF. There is some co-dependency going on here for reasons we are not aware of. I am also surprised it took so long for the parents to speak up.
Is there a moderator around? I think this thread is a good candidate for closure. We’re in the weeds people, in the weeds…
From the perspective of a young person, I found it helpful when my parents would broach the subject of a future with my SO in a roundabout way. What would he like to do after college? Would he have to move to do what he wants? She will start thinking about it and ask him those questions. If he’s actually anemic (which I think is too big a chasm for a relationship, but some disagree), it’s likely she will notice the difference between her classmates and him. If he has dreams, but doesn’t know where to start, she will likely have helpful advice given her environment.
I will admit this struck a cord given that I am an immigrant and fit many of your other descriptors. A lot has already been said on this, but here’s another thing: many families come with baggage, but it’s difficult to see your own. I have an ex whose parents, I am sure, think he’s just a catch – tall, high SES, outgoing, ambitious, brilliant. Would have been perfect if he didn’t down three beers before sleeping and didn’t break his phone against the wall in moments of frustration.
All of us on this thread, including OP, get zero votes on how the BF should live his life. We can have opinions, but we don’t get to choose.
The only choice to be made is the one OP makes about how he relates to his family. He could set some general ground rules about how visitors to the home should be treated, he could tell the GPs very courteously(so as not to take away from the college funding) to mind their own business about his daughter’s social life, and he can keep his own mouth shut and mind open about anyone his daughters bring home. Or he can pick a fight. His choice.
I’m not saying this is easy. But it is simple.
On whether the OP should have posted, or should regret it now- maybe it was a good idea after all. Not because it helps to have a bunch of people pick apart your life, but it might help to get some outside perspectives that are different from what he has been hearing within the family. We are all entitled to decide our family is right and the outsiders are whack jobs, but it is important to know that not everyone looks at things the same way,
I’m surprised that GreatKid is the first to mention this. I was a child of divorce myself, and as a teenager, my boyfriend was my port in the storm. My parents loved me, but they were not really attentive to my needs at all because they were going through so much of their own stuff. My mom divorced again in my early twenties, and that was even harder, which one wouldn’t expect, but when you are coming of age yourself, having a lot of turmoil in your family is unsettling. Having a confidant that you know, who cares about you, who has seen you through a lot of negative stuff really helps ease the stress and pressure. This young man may be what’s keeping the OP’s daughter out of therapy.
There has been an assumption here that the young man is doing all the taking. I wouldn’t be so sure. She may have emotional needs that are only being met through this relationship.
Sure, why not?
@sseamom, I echo @oldfort comment. Many of us came here to this country without a dime. My brother and I were exactly this kid, we came here as teenagers. Worst yet, we couldn’t even speak English, I remembered someone asking me “how are you” and I didn’t know how to answer back. My brother verbal skill worst a lot worse. My dad stayed back in the country or was in jail( political jail), but nevertheless, it was the same. My mom not only didn’t speak English but was a handicap. So in many ways we lived through this. I worked part time, almost 30 hours and went to college full time taking 12 units per semester. I took the bus, there was no car until I earned enough money to buy them. And we also had to send money to help out my dad in jail so he could eat.
Many immigrants have the same story, I’m not the only one.
Are you sure that what you are seeing is associated with ethnicity, versus immigration? Immigration tends to have a selection effect (it tend to take a high level of motivation to move to a different far-away country, and immigration rules can apply additional selection, e.g. for skilled workers or PhD students), so what you may be seeing as related to ethnicity may actually be related to immigration.
Ucb, I didn’t know that immigrants have high level of motivation. Certainly not for my brother and I, we were two dumb kids. In fact my mom didn’t want to go when the time came but she took one look at the two dumb kids and realized she had better go. If anything we were slackers at our old country. The reason we became anything is because we had no choice but work, there was not a safety net period. In hindsight, maybe that was a good thing.
Maybe the D isn’t really traumatized by Dad’s confrontation at all, and is dramatizing the entire affair and dragging it out for Dad’s continuing attention. If I were the Dad, I’d give her the attention she needs, but I wouldn’t back down on my evaluation of the relationship.
The difference is the BF of OP’s daughter doesn’t seem like doing all that much. He isn’t working 30 hours or taking 12 units per semester. The way OP described him makes me think he is mainly drifting around. That is a cause for concern for most parents.
This thread has helped me see my own DD’s BF in a more positive light. BF treats her like a princess. He is kind, caring, polite. Has a full time job, and a smaller part time job. His family is different from ours, but also adore my kid.
No he doesn’t help with the dishes…but I’m now saying “so what?”
The number of hours someone worked 20 or 30 years ago might not apply today, since the job market has only recently begun rebounding in some areas. Some colleges, particularly community colleges, have had to cut courses or even entire majors, as they navigate the funding issues caused by the recession. So it may not be as likely that ANY kid ANYWHERE can actually take a full course load AND work nearly FT, but who knows? I’m surely not changing any minds.
And AGAIN someone thinks that it’s ok for the “driven” D to major in a “soft” major, but not the BF. Oh no, he’s just drifting around (despite having been working and supporting his mom and going to college). He’s just not doing it hard and fast enough. But the D-she’s not working, SHE’S on the couch not helping, SHE’S majoring in humanties, but the boy isn’t good enough for her.
Garland nailed it. All of it. But I agree with Bay-the should break up. But not for the same reasons she thinks. I think the boy can do better.
@sseamom, I’m sure with the CC crowd, there’s always a reason why one can’t do it. 35 years ago, it was NOT common to find a job as a teenager either, let alone a teenager who didn’t speak English properly. 30 hours work job was easy because I did an ROP with the bank and the bank had 6 months of my free labor before they hired me. We now call these jobs internships. My brother was not so lucky, he got fired doing the gasoline job. And I forgot to mention, we had plenty of discrimination back then too, if not worse. I was not allowed to do a teller job because of my English. So I quit that bank and worked for another bank that treated me better with better pay.
From the dad’s description, the daughter sounds like she has been a hard-working, motivated young lady. No description of her as a manipulator or drama queen, so why throw this into the mix, bay? She sounds hurt, and perhaps concerned that she has upset both her family and her BF, which is understandable.
“5) some ethnic groups are just harding working than others. White ones”
I NEVER said that. I gave an example. I could have easily used others.
I think the boy can do better too. If he really loves this girl, then now that he is enlightened, he should take the opportunity to show her family what a great guy he really is. Get a job, bring the mom some flowers he picked, send a thank you note for all the hospitality, sit with the dad and have some conversation about his goals in life, spend more time with D away from the house, pay her sisters some nice compliments now and then. In other words, give the family a reason to like you and want you around. Its not that hard, regardless of one’s background.
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All of it. But I agree with Bay-the should break up. But not for the same reasons she thinks. I think the boy can do better.
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Oh good heavens. There may be nothing wrong with either kid.
This is just OP in reverse.
OP…what are your REAL concerns (assuming that this BF might become a life-partner)?
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that he’s from a poor family?
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that he’s from another race/ethnic group?
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that he may be from a different faith (I know that your family is atheist, but I’m guessing that this young man may not be.)
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that he may become a modest-paid teacher?
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that he seems to be more of a follower than a leader?
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that he’ll hold your daughter back in some way (if so, which way?)
Which are your concerns? or all of the above? anything else?
oldfort, I enjoy reading many of your posts. I think I had a “similar” talk to our son regarding career paths and majors when he was growing up. I agree with you that the BF could not afford to be in a major without knowing how such a major could potentially help him advance his next stage of life. A poor new immigrant can not afford such a major unless he really knows what to do with what he learns from such a major. He needs a “safer” career (say, by making a decent amount of money to pay for his and his family’s living expenses in the near future.)
BTW, talking about the new immigrants: since we are already in the “weed” on this thread, having had tangents in all directions, let me indulge this a little bit here: somehow I really enjoy looking at the pictures of Elaine Chao’s family when she was first taken to this country on a cargo ship as an elementary school kid.
Let me see if I could locate those early pictures.
Here are a nice set of these pictures. I especially like the one on the cargo ship (mother and 3 daughters, without the father) and the very first picture her family taken on the first day her family were re-united after 3 years of separation: (look at the smile of Elaine in the latter picture!)