Some cleaners have their clients pick them up at the bus stop. I know several people who would do that for a cleaner they liked a lot, and then take them back to the bus stop or wherever they needed to go.
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Your daughter is majoring in political science. Her BF is majoring in political science. Why is your daughter’s planned future OK, but the plans of her BF are not? Is it because he doesn’t attend University of Chicago?
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@thumper1 If I remember correctly, the DD intends to become an atty…perhaps will join her dad at his law practice. The BF (I think) “just” wants to become a teacher. Clearly, the OP wants his DD to have a mate who is her economic equal or better. lol
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We’re not sending her to UChicago so she can end up coming back to marry the poor hometown kid and live in a shack
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lol…well, not if she’s later working at pop’s law practice and inheriting the Grands’ money. :-bd
I don’t know why @DGDzDad , you think that this young man will be forever poor.
Can you clarify? (for an atty, you haven’t done a very good job arguing your case… :-q )
Without any mentions of his mom, her job, their home, living near an ethnic restaurant (??), can you name 5-10 facts that have convinced you that this person won’t be successful (and I don’t mean making millions, just happily earning a decent living), and why he’d not be a good life-partner for your DD? I’m not saying that he would be; but you know him, so what are the FACTS that would suggest this to you (without including those irrelevant things like his mom, etc)
Or she may be driving or riding in vehicles owned by the cleaning service company.
Sure. If she does not, guess we are back to the same conclusion: kid has no access to wheels. 
Just a heads up - D just told me the other day that “one sure way you can tell a racist is when they start naming types or colors that don’t even exist (i.e. green, purple, polka dot (heard that one on Tuesday))”. So maybe a good idea to rein in your list there. 
The latter statement does make it look like you think his background makes him unworthy for your daughter, even though his progress toward a bachelor’s degree (and perhaps influence from your daughter) very likely makes him upwardly mobile (rather than the apparent assumption that associating with him will make your daughter downwardly mobile).
I’m in sort of the opposite situation of the OP as my daughter was in a long distance relationship but we are the lower income family, he had the car and a lot of money and we have little. Anyway, I understand OP’s feeling that his daughter may be passing up social opportunities at college because of the BF and just hanging on to her high school life and not growing. My DD’s relationship was long distance even in high school because we moved, but it did affect her studying and social life because she was always talking or texting or skyping with BF, who lived 3 time zones away. She’d ask me if I liked him, and I said I didn’t like how SHE acted when she was with him. I felt she’d become secretive and selfish because of him, always thinking of how/when they’d next see each other, not caring about my opinion of how she spent her money, not caring if she missed family events to be with him. I found him very whiny, wanting her to always visit him. They broke up before college started, but I’d made it clear that she would not be spending her college days skyping, texting, plotting to get to California to see him.
I had no control over him and his lifestyle, but I did have control over hers. I made my daughter get a job, limited the money she had access to, insisted she pay for her books and spending money, made sure she still had chores and responsibilities around the house. I think OP made a mistake in saying those things about the BF because I think the focus should have been on how to deal with his daughter’s behavior, not BF’s. The BF wouldn’t be at OP’s house so often just hanging out if his daughter didn’t have so much unstructured time. Don’t tell her to do the dishes and clean up once or twice, tell her every single night until she (and he) gets the message.
And I can’t believe her sisters never said anything! My other daughter was pretty vocal about the BF and that she didn’t really like him.
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And I can’t believe her sisters never said anything!
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? was there an update or change? I thought the OP said that the younger sisters were annoyed?
Frankly, I think the younger sisters are also annoyed about the sex. I’m guessing here, but since the couple seems to hang out at her home, and they’re having sex, and he’s not spending the night (I don’t think) then the younger sisters may be “weirded out” at their sister and the BF going off into the bedroom during the day to have sex (otherwise, where are they having sex? ).
Home is not a college. Peers in dorms expect this sort of thing. Younger sisters at home do not.
I am with OP on this one. I don’t believe he thinks the bf is not right for his daughter because he is poor. He sees the kind of behavior in the BF that doesn’t make him believe BF will work hard and get ahead in life some day. OP’s daughter is going to law school paid by OP. What’s BF’s plan with his poli sci degree? If he was a hard worker, he would be working at multiple jobs in the summer and during school year. As a poor college student many years ago, I worked at multiple jobs, especially over the summer.
This Dad is getting pretty beat up throughout this conversation! There is no justification for racism or criticism of someone’s economic circumstances unless they are not making effort to change those circumstances.
None of us can conclude sufficiently what the nature of his daughters relationship is. This father is witnessing it. There is no excuse for bad manners and especially so if you are at someone’s home regularly and they are feeding you regularly. I wouldn’t think or feel that I had to suggest that they take initiative to pitch in. That in itself is very telling of the BF’s character. If the daughter was aware and wanted to have her BF be in the good grace’s of her parents she should have let him know to get up and help out.
In our family we had a similar situation with our daughters first BF. When my wife and I first met him he was slumped on our couch watching TV with our daughter. We walked in to the room he didn’t sit up or get up to acknowledge us and introduce himself. I looked at our daughter and she knew immediately what I was thinking and she prompted him to get up to introduce himself to her parents.
In my mind he was done and that relationship couldn’t end fast enough.
It was her first BF and she wanted to maintain their relationship when they went off to different colleges. Fortunately the relationship dissolved as the former BF left her in a mean spirited way that was representative as the kind of person he was.
A parent has a right to express themselves but of course they also have a responsibility to be tactful and considerate of their child’s feelings.
We as parents if our relationships are close and meaningful with our children have enormous power to influence but to also hurt, so we need to be very careful how we convey our feelings and opinions. But, we absolutely have the right to express these things, hopefully we do things in such a way that it is clear that we are looking out for them and that we assist them in arriving at their own conclusions. The first two questions I always ask are, does he respect you in every way and is he kind to you? If those are yesses I can help out with the rest.
"In our family we had a similar situation with our daughters first BF. When my wife and I first met him he was slumped on our couch watching TV with our daughter. We walked in to the room he didn’t sit up or get up to acknowledge us and introduce himself. "
I absolutely 100% agree the right thing for a young man to do is get up, introduce himself, shake hands and engage in some pleasantries and small talk rather than remain a bump on a log. However, some people simply weren’t taught that. It sounds like this young man is from an overall disadvantaged background. Perhaps the daughter can help introduce him to a better standard of living. For some young men, that can prove very inspirational – oh, the world doesn’t have to be just like my circumstances.
The BF has been going to the years for a while now and still hasn’t figured out he should help out around the house. Either he is a slower learner or OP daughter doesn’t care
He is not from a disadvantaged background not even close.
I am sensitive to these things to a point. It doesn’t cost money to be a nice person or to be considerate and respectful. If a young person by the age of 20 or 21 hasn’t arrived at those conclusions that would have me very concerned. To me it shows a huge lack of awareness.
I am bothered that the BF isn’t working, I am also bothered by the perspective of some here that think that because he is going to college that is enough.
It is not enough, if he wishes to make something of himself and build a life that is successful. It really bugs me that he doesn’t appear to be working. If that is the case it speaks to his character very negatively.
When D1 and her BF were living in different cities, they made a great effor to see each other. D1’s work schedule was crazy, and the BF had very little disposal income because of his student loan payments. The BF got a job working at a restaurant after his day job at a consulting firm so he could have the money to visit D1. He never asked D1 to help out with his travel. D1 said he was often exhausted on weekends after working at 2 jobs. From that, I knew this young man cared very much for my daughter and he was not above in working hard, even at a minimum wage job. if they were to have a family, most likely he will do what he needs to do to support the family.
I stated in a previous post that I think the dad has recognized that speaking out against his D’s BF was not effective- and so, I don’t see how it is productive to continue to emphasize this. Many parents have found themselves in this “Romeo and Juliet” pattern for various reasons. I think it is helpful to recognize this so parents can be aware of it- it is generations old and the theme of many books, movies, and plays.
I think parents get upset about these situations out of fears for their child. Maybe the fears are more or less founded, or not at all, but the fear is a real feeling. I also think that young people in love are not fully aware of challenges that lie ahead in relationships.
When the dad mentioned " I didn’t send her to UChicago to marry the home town boy"- I think he means that he didn’t send her far away to a diverse and interesting city and college for her to essentially “stay” home emotionally- with her ideas and experiences. I know a woman who did just that. Went to college, but came home every weekend to hang out with her old friends and her boyfriend. Because of this, she didn’t really get involved in college, make new friends, get exposed to new ideas. Economics is a reality for this couple and they struggle with limited employment opportunities- the BF has limited education. Yet he is a truly nice man, and yes, there are plenty of economically more stable jerks out there, but also truly nice people who have stable jobs- but she didn’t take the opportunity to meet a lot of people to even have these choices.
However, these were her choices to make.
UChicago is far away so coming home isn’t an option for the D. Hopefully she will take advantage of this opportunity to have new experiences regardless of whether or not she continues to be in a relationship with her BF.
I think we need to be cautious when interpreting posts because they are short and limited- and anonymous. Picking phrases out can change the context. I think it is established that racism and classism are out of line, but I think the basis of the OP’s concern is fear- fear that may not be founded or materialized, but he feels this regardless. As a parent, he has been concerned about providing economic security for his family, and he hopes that his D chooses someone who will do this too. It is very possible that this young man will have a stable career, he just doesn’t know that yet.
I would be willing to bet that their isn’t a parent among us who has not had fears as our kids step out of our protective nest and into the world to make their own decisions. We want to protect our kids, but we also need to learn to let them become adults. It’s a learning experience for us too.
Pennylane you make it sound like she failed because she maintained her old relationship, stayed home emotionally. Maybe it’s the other way around. She “stayed” home because she wasn’t ready for a bigger world. She held herself back and her boyfriend was just an instrument to that. We tend to blame “the other” in an undesirable relationship of someone we are close. But I think every relarionship has a reason for it. If the young lady was ready for a big world, her new environment would have excited her and grow from it so much that her old homelife would have looked stale.
Igloo, you are correct that it is about both of them.
I don’t see this as a failure but something they chose. The BF chose to not leave town or pursue higher education. She chose to stay with him even though she had the opportunity to go off to college.
If I am honest, I would say that this isn’t the path I would choose- because I wanted to be financially independent from my parents and I want this for my kids. This has nothing to do with classism- as financial independence is achievable at a wide range of incomes and is also effected by how people manage the income they have. One can have a high income and also risk instability by getting into debt.
There is a downside to my choice. I live a distance from my parents, and I know that my kids may choose to live a distance from me as they pursue their dreams. This couple lives close to parents, and sees them almost every day. This results in a very close relationship.
So it is complicated. There is a family closeness that one can not put a price tag on- it is precious. Since this is a different choice than I would have made, I can understand a parent being fearful of this as it is an unknown. I think the reality is that most choices have pros and cons to some extent.
Very true. But kids who are going places are aware of their surroundings and identify those things on their own. If you have to take their hand and explain it to them, they just dropped down into a group with a much smaller chance for success.
It’s unclear whether the boy wouldn’t proactively offer to help with the dishes, etc. because he came from a culture where that was women’s work and it just wouldn’t occur to him, or whether he’s just lazy and couldn’t be bothered. I think the question is - does he act that way with the D? (for example, if they were making their own meals or snacks, would he expect her to clean up after him) It’s unclear what his cultural background is and how “assimilated” he is to the US. I think JOD’s point is well taken, though, that kids who are going places observe and figure out these things on their own.
Third possibility: The daughter didn’t help or offer to help, and he followed her lead. She, after all, is the person who is familiar with the customs of her household. I would expect him to learn those customs from her example – just as people here are expecting him to learn the manners and ways of upper-middle-class (probably white) America by observation and analysis.