<p>And to think if she’d apologized instead of accusing a guest of installing the tip jar, much could have been avoided. This has to be time consuming for you. What a pain!</p>
<p>Maybe the tip jar was a vase brought to the reception as a wedding gift? ;)</p>
<p>How unprofessional of the caterer to put <em>their</em> shortcomings on you. To me, that is even worse than not living up to what they had stated in the contract.</p>
<p>frazzled, So, why do they need a photo of the tip jar if they have already told you that a member of the wedding party put it there?! Around here, a bartender would never work a venue again if he did something like this. I agree with you that it is embarrassing to the host to suggest that guests should be reaching into their pocket for tips that are supposed to be covered by the host. The caterer ought to be bending over backwards to apologize to you for their contractor’s lapse in professionalism, not blaming you. </p>
<p>As for all the glowing reviews, check out the NY Times article I linked recently in the Good Buys thread. The posts you saw might very well be legit, but with good reviews a commodity to be sold to the highest bidder, how do you really know? It might also be that you are more knowledgable and aware than their typical host - which wouldn’t make their response to you any less inappropriate. </p>
<p><a href=“http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/20/technology/finding-fake-reviews-online.html[/url]”>http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/20/technology/finding-fake-reviews-online.html</a></p>
<p>Oooooh, I am so naive! Thanks for the article, roshke - it’s fascinating. </p>
<p>Thanks to all for backing me up on the tip jar. I’d have been perfectly happy to just let this go, even with the other service shortcomings, if I’d only received a genuine apology. Not “I’m sorry you’re the only person in 16 years who objected to the tip jar we said wouldn’t be there” or “I’m sorry your guests drank too much vodka” or “I’m sorry your expectations are too unreasonable to see that we are practically perfect in every way.” Just “I’m sorry we goofed and your event wasn’t all we told you it would be.”</p>
<p>That is obviously not going to happen. It’s crazy - an apology costs them nothing. They don’t even have to mean it!</p>
<p>Having been in a similar biz, I think I can answer Roshke(post 43). It is a not-so-diplomatic way of saying the caterer is skeptical that the bartender actually had a tip jar. Note that I said “skeptical”, not lying. Perhaps with proof, the caterer would take a harder stand, but I doubt it. My experience had been that the caterer got his money, he has a hundred other favorable reviews, and to any future potential customer that asks, he could say you were one of those that could not be satisfied. Not true, but an effective sales pitch. Certainly not trying to take the side of the caterer, but there are times when wedding guests will complain afterward about aspects that they gave no indication bothered them the night of the event. And, some of those complaints are justified. But when a provider hears many over the years that aren’t justified, he becomes skeptical of all complaints.
A personal example from me: one wedding party, the Mother said- “Whatever you do, don’t play [a certain song]”. Later in the eve, the new bride begged for that song. At the end of the evening one thought I was great, the other thought I was horrible.</p>
<p>I mentioned my nephew’s wedding upthread. Yes, it was a merry affair; yes, bartender was tipped, early and often; yes, they ran out of beer, drank up the beer for the next wedding and had to go out and buy some more! It was quite an achievement. The DJ announced it and everyone applauded! Not the classiest events, but a heck of a lot of fun!</p>
<p>My daughter has worked for an entertainment company as an MC and dancer manager at bar and bat mitzvahs for 7 years and has also worked as a day of assistant for a wedding planner for the past 3 years. She routinely interfaces with dj’s, musicians, caterers, decorators and photographers. The professionals she works with would choke over the notion of putting out a tip jar to solicit tips from guests. Gratuities are the responsibility of the hosts. </p>
<p>On the other hand, it is unbelievable the number of event hosts who won’t hesitate to spend a small fortune on their parties and then fail to tip the staff who bust their butts doing all they can to make the event a memorable success. Tipping is an essential aspect of the staff making a living wage at these affairs and yet far too often is ignored because of an assumption that it is “unnecessary” or a belief that it is inappropriate. At the affairs we have hosted, we have always given tips to the working staff, usually given to the maitre’d for the catering staff and the MC for the entertainment staff. For that matter, we have also always fed the working staff. Between travel to and from the job, set up and break down and the party itself, it’s easily an 8 hour day.</p>
<p>I spent a few years working at a country club and worked more wedding receptions than I can count. We have a no-tipping policy (club-wide) but are occasionally tipped for big events like weddings. Seems like the most popular (and most gratifying!) way was for the parent(s) of the kid getting married to dropped off a short but gracious thank you note to the manager after the fact which included a nice stack of cash to be distributed to the staff. Maybe we just have an honest staff, but I always saw the cash and the note was always posted near the time clock. </p>
<p>As far as recognizing someone who gave you superior service, I’d start by personally telling them. I loved hearing that I did a great job! I’d also make sure to mention it to the manager, who will almost certainly pass the message along to the employee. Even with no cash attached, a genuine compliment for a service that is often thankless sure feels great.</p>
<p>And as far as the tip jar goes, in my experience guests occasionally tip the bartender like, a dollar per round or drink, and after the bartender says, “Oh no, you don’t have to do that!,” the guest insists, bartender accepts tip, and pockets it (to split up later). As far as I remember, no one ever set up a real tip jar.</p>
<p>I’d say these were typically receptions with open bars, sit-down/multiple course dinners, 250ish guests, and a full wait staff. It sure was a blast!</p>
<p>The weddings I have been were mostly catered at hotels. There were tips added to the bill that was charged on credit card. I don’t recall ever adding to the tip, on top of the 18% that was already assessed. Don’t recall ever tipping folks at the wedding above and beyond the price they set, which we paid. NEVER saw a tip jar at the many, many parties & weddings I’ve attended; would think it very tacky OF THE WORKERS to put one out, not the host/hostess.</p>
<p>When we have had caterers prepare food & deliver it, we often provide a tip.</p>
<p>I agree with everyone that you should write up and specify the problems you had with this caterer. Perhaps it would encourage other brides to be aware–they might be very interested in this RECENT review that is negative, as I often like to look at the more recent reviews over older ones. Would definitely spread the word through the grapevine too–that can be extremely effective. ICK!</p>
<p>I have finished my letter to the owners and wish I could think of a way to include the wise comments in this thread. I refer to “numerous friends” who have not seen or would not tolerate tip jars at wedding receptions, and I mean you guys as well as my friends IRL who have been appalled by this story.</p>
<p>I could get over the tip jar if it hadn’t been for the absolute refusal of the coordinator and her supervisor to acknowledge a shred of validity in my complaints. My d’s friends are getting married at a mad pace (good - none of them are likely to go with our caterer) and she says it’s common for guests to tip bartenders, though not necessarily via a tip jar. I believe in good tipping - the tip I provided was generous. I feel like such a moron for not monitoring this whole thing more closely.</p>
<p>Interestingly, poking around in this situation uncovered a problem with another vendor none of us had been aware of. This vendor, though, responded with an immediate profuse apology, followed it up in writing, and gave a generous and appropriate partial refund. Those folks have saved their 5 star review.</p>
<p>What was the other vendor issue? Hope it didn’t affect the wonderful celebration. It really sounds like everyone had a wonderful time! This is great to hear!</p>
<p>I am still appalled at the caterer/planners behavior. First they claimed a guest put a tip glass out ("when the bartender was too busy to notice-- really?? REALLY??), then they said a member of the wedding party requested it (a BOWL? Really??) and now they want you to provide photographic proof of what they have already admitted to? Are they simply trying to figure out which bar/bartender did this? If so, they should be direct. You can probably get that info from whoever told you about the tip jar. Regardless, they should be conciliatory, not argumentative.</p>
<p>I smiled when I read post # 14, frazzled, where you said
Do you have another engaged daughter? Otherwise I think the fiance is now your SIL!! LOL. 
BTW, excuse my ignorance, but what are MOB’s?</p>
<p>younghoss- A dj?? Fun!! How did you resolve the play/no play song? Did you play and announce that the bride requested it? You can’t turn down the bride’s request!</p>
<p><strong>edit</strong> forgot to mention-- when I was the Maid of Honor at a good friend’s wedding <em>many</em> years ago (think the 70’s) my instructions were to be sure that under NO circumstances was the band/dj/ whatever it was back then to play “Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'round the old Oak Tree”. It was pretty popular back then. It was a “don’t you dare play it” instruction! They didn’t. My work was done :)</p>
<p>I don’t understand why a caterer would demand to be tipped. How was this presented? “Oh, by the way, our bill for $5000 isn’t really for $5000, it’s for $5000 plus a 10% tip, so it’s actually $5500.”</p>
<p>And no, there shouldn’t be a tip jar. </p>
<p>A caterer is hired to provide food and staff for a private party. They should be relatively invisible to the guests, who should simply be amazed that it’s such a great party, with such great food. References to money at a private party? Utterly without class. </p>
<p>I hire caterers regularly; I organize our company’s parties regularly. I expect the caterers and restaurants to outline all the costs IN ADVANCE when I am planning the party; I don’t expect to tip outside of those costs. I do ask explicitly about service fees (which is the correct name for required “tips”).</p>
<p>JYM: an MOB is a Mother of the Bride.</p>
<p>I seem to remember when we organized out kids bar mitzvahs there was an add-on that included tax plus tip (I forget the numbers but it was presented that way, as a percentage of the bar bill, IIRC). Was also true for the food service, but calculated based on the cost of the food, which was predetermined, as opposed to the bar bill, which was not. I’ll never forget the printout of the bar bill at younger s’s bar mitzvah. They unrolled it like a scroll and it fell to the floor! That thing must have been several feet long!</p>
<p><em>edit again</em>* AHHH- thanks dmd. I have boys… I couldn’t figure that one out…</p>
<p>frazzled, I am sorry about your situation but appreciate you posting. I have never seen a tip jar at a wedding, but will know to have someone watching out for this when I am doing the planning. It never in a million years would have occurred to me, without this thread, that this needed to be on the “list”. So thanks for sharing!</p>
<p>frazz…I would follow this letter up with a call to your credit card company and dispute a portion of the charge. (Equal to one hour of open bar and the cash gratuity that you paid) They are in violation of their contract, (as a MOG last year, but responsible for the open bar, my issue would have been with the lack of liquor of your guests choice…I don’t give a rat’s backside that there was “other” liquor available, the guests are the focus here…and the tip jar will become a he saw she saw situation). Frankly, your words don’t hurt them. You yourself said that the three star and under reviews were viewed as people that must have an issue (I would still write the review…the more under four star reviews and maybe a trend will establish) But when they receive that letter from the credit card company I assure you they will take notice. Then maybe they will realize that you are actually serious. Don’t wait for them to do the right thing because certainly you can see they are not interested in that. Take control of the matter, file the dispute and that will get the ball rolling.</p>
<p>I’ve been really thinking about this tipping the caterer thing and think as so many other things this must be a regional difference. My stepdad owns a neighborhood package store that caters (liquor, beer, wine) all the big parties in their city. There has never been a tip jar at these events. Also, he charges the clients for the bartenders at an hourly rate and then pays them. No reason for tipping - they did their job. Now, if a host wanted to tip the bartenders for service beyond what was expected, I’m sure they could, but it would never be expected and added to the bill.</p>
<p>Definitely agree with collegeshopping!</p>
<p>I completely agree with dmd77 in post #52. Caterers should pay their own people, and if a “service charge” is part of the bill it should be stated up front. The way it is when you go to a restaurant and it states that a service charge of X% is added to the check for parties over a certain size. Holding up the hosts or guests for more $$ that can be spread around under the table is obnoxious, IMHO.</p>
<p>We recently hosted an event. It never occurred to me that there would be a tip jar. I would have stepped behind the bar myself after I fired the bartender. </p>
<p>And when you sign a contract the price includes a 20% service charge for the bartenders/waiters etc. So this begs the question: Does the caterer give the staff the gratuities to which they are entitled? Or is the service charge for the owners? If the latter is true, then the caterers should be exposed for being fraudulent. </p>
<p>I admit that we always give a bonus tip prior to the beginning of any event that we host. It is done quietly, before the guests arrive.</p>
<p>“We recently hosted an event. It never occurred to me that there would be a tip jar. I would have stepped behind the bar myself after I fired the bartender.”</p>
<p>ellebud, I know quite a few people who would do the same!</p>
<p>I think the caterers have to be aware of the fact that in some cultures such a tip jar would be an insult to the hosts (and some guests), since it is customary that the hosts are the ones who are paying for everything and therefore they expect their guests to simply show up and have a great without being nickeled and dimed for tips etc.</p>