<p>I’m not sure why we are assuming the bride is not seeing a therapist already. My therapist often suggested I was making things to hard on myself by putting myself in situations that would trigger my grief, and not mean as much to others. I could see the parent dance falling in that category.</p>
<p>In my upbringing it was traditionally a father/daughter dance, the mother/son dance being added as an after thought. When little girls dream of their wedding, dancing with their father is right there. </p>
<p>I suspect the request blind sided the bride. Why, if there is no father in the picture, would they even consider a father/daughter - mother/son dance? Why would anyone want to make the bride sad at her own wedding?</p>
<p>I think other mother/son pictures, such as his mother pinning on his boutonniere, or straightening his tie, might be a cute picture both the mother and bride would cherish. A picture of a dance that makes the bride sad would just be one of those pictures wistfully skipped in the proofs, or ordered and hidden by the groom’s mother.</p>
<p>Will there be any formal picture of the groom & his mother? I know that at my wedding, and those of my daughter’s generation, there were formal pictures of the bride, groom & her family, the bride, groom & his family, the bride & her parents, the groom & his parents, the b&g with one or the other or both sets of parents, etc. Will the bride forbid all pictures of the groom & his mother/step-father because she doesn’t have a father, or is it only the dancing part that gets her? If the former, that’s a big slap in the face not just to the MIL but to the groom. If the latter, then it’s not as big a deal because Mom will have the “milestone” pictures with her son. Just not dancing.</p>
<p>I think this is something that the groom needs to discuss with the bride. While her father is not in her life, her MIL is, and does she really want to alienate her? The bride should remember that, as much as her father’s absence made her who she is today, the MIL raised her son to become the man she loves. Perhaps if she looks at the issue in this light, it will help resolve her feelings.</p>
<p>If I were in the MIL’s shoes and had wanted/requested the mother/son dance and had been rebuffed for the reasons given, I probably would drop it and not think about it again. But if I understand zooser’s posts, the bride has further indicated that she will not allow the photographer to take even a photo of the mother and son dancing. That would, to me, be a red flag. Where else does this kind of stuff lead? I would actually be a little wary about how this would play out in the future with respect to my relationship with my son. That’s why I think counseling would be so beneficial. By her own admission, bride has all these unresolved feelings about her father. What happens on Father’s Day when her DH wants to spend the day with his Dad? Does she stay at home, feeling sad or possibly abandoned by DH? Does she forbid him from celebrating Father’s Day because it will make her feel that much worse? Does she go along, but actually sabotage the day with her sadness or perhaps envy over her DH’s good relationship? I don’t even know if the groom has a father around, but if having a photo of her husband dancing with his mother on his special day is such a problem for her, it seems possible that other things DH does with his parent(s) could generate these sad feelings in her and cause more conflict and hurt feelings down the road. </p>
<p>All that said, I don’t think a MIL really has any role in if, when, or where the bride gets counseling. So unless the new husband suggests it or the bride comes to that conclusion on her own, it probably doesn’t happen. Scenarios like this play out frequently and often do not improve over time.</p>
<p>^^I sort of did think several posters said that, so I really get garland’s point and totally agree. I am not really so into weddings as many women, so it’s easy for me not to care about the details. Also, I’m with Consolation on not particularly liking the wedding directed by a DJ. But that has to do with the biases of my upbringing.;)</p>
<p>As an aside, my brother and his wife took no pictures of our side of the family at their wedding. NONE. Not even of our parents (fa and mo of groom). The only photo my mom had was an informal 3X5 shot of the b&g at the reception. They were not given a single professional photo and again we were in none of them anyway. It was definitely a message of things to come.</p>
<p>Yeah, I’m not much of a traditionalist, raised by Hippies, I hardly even knew what most of this stuff was til I was older.</p>
<p>In general, I’ve taught my daughters to try to pick their battles. If something is very important to someone like a future MIL, and it isn’t going to involve you? There’s really no need to weigh in.</p>
<p>I would hope my D’s would just say, “I don’t care which song. You two pick a song.”</p>
<p>MIL and H danced to a song they didn’t pick. It was just being played.</p>
<p>I think part of the issue, these days, is that the whole wedding thing is a bit over the top, just in general. So, it gets very, very fraught.</p>
<p>My perspective on the young woman getting married, and since she will never hear this from me anyway, as the daughter of a man who was mostly absent, is that HER life will be easier if she finds a way to work through the pain and feelings and gets to a point where he matters as much as he warrants. Very little. </p>
<p>Jym–the original issue was that, as I read it.</p>
<p>Niquii–if you’re going to continue to razz at me, you need to be a lot more entertaining than that. I’ve been heckled by much funnier folk than you.</p>
<p>We all have biases. I confess I always groan inwardly when I hear brides say “I just want my wedding to be perfect. It’s my special day, after all.” If I do nothing else right, I will feel good if my daughters let go of the notion of “perfect” on their wedding day, as well as the concept of a wedding being a “princess for a day” event rather than a celebration of the love and commitment between BOTH the bride and the groom.</p>
<p>I think we are rehashing the same thing over and over, and overanalyzing/dissecting it. Perhaps zoos can clarify, but I read it as a question the MOG posed, simply asking brides opinion about a song, with reasonable expectation, based on their culture and what is done at their weddings, that there would be a mother/son dance. And MIL recoiled when she was told “hell no” and “no pictures whatsoever”. Thats my take, at least.</p>
Weddings are a good indicator of what is to come. Take my cousin and his wife. Little things here and there that would exclude his family. Fast forward a good amount of years and a couple kids…same tricks…just a different day. </p>
<p>
I strongly, strongly agree with this. Hopefully, one day, I’ll get to that point. I hope she’ll get to that point as well. :)</p>
<p>
Bridezilla segments pop into my mind when I read these…</p>
<p>My bias about the myth of the perfect wedding has to do with several girlfriends who picked out the perfect groom, the perfect ring, the perfect dress and finally planned the perfect wedding for more than a year (which took quite a bit of time out of my life, too) and then were divorced or separated before I even got married at the very old-maidish age of 23. My own wedding was as low key as possible without causing scandal. As it was, there was quite a bit of speculation I was pregnant. I wasn’t. We waited some time for children.</p>
<p>adding: If my mother and MIL hadn’t had other daughters to plan weddings for, I would have done differently. They had LOTS of wedding planning opportunities.</p>
That is the question. The bride has set out very specific timetables for her own family and there doesn’t appear to be any time set for the photographer to be with the groom and his family. It may simply be a lack of communication because the MOG is trying very hard not to be that MIL and isn’t asking even the basic questions right now.</p>
<p>Yes, that’s where it leads for me too. Saying “I prefer not to have the mother/son spotlight dance as it sort of highlights that I don’t have a father for a father/daughter dance and it will be painful” – I can be sympathetic to that (and if I were the MOG, let it go – I don’t have a vested interest in a dance with my son anyway). But the “I won’t even be comfortable if at some point in the evening you dance with your mother and the photog takes a picture” – that isn’t reasonable. Is the groom never allowed to dance with his mother at any family events ever again?</p>
<p>You’ll get there, Niquii. You will be surprised some day how little you care and how grateful you are for your history being exactly the way that it is.</p>
Your take is exactly right. I didn’t convey this well, but the initial question came up in casual conversation. My D was there and they were all talking about music at the ceremony (the DJ likes a list ahead of time of favorite songs to be played) and they were talking about all sorts of songs and the Tarantella (is that spelled right?) and the chicken dance, etc. and it casually came up as part of the DJ’s list and it was immediately apparent that it was an issue. It simply never crossed the MOG’s mind that it wouldn’t happen because it always happens here, and it wasn’t a set-up of the bride, just a natural question in the context.</p>
<p>Going back to the original post, the thing I find hardest to understand is the MOG being “shocked and devastated” at her request being denied. I have a son, I have never once thought about dancing with him at his wedding. My only expectation is to be invited, and we are really close. Perhaps an equal suggestion of therapy could be made for the MOG. Is she having trouble letting go? Her son’s wedding could be triggering a sense of loss.</p>