<p>Last thought and then its back to being one with the pillow.
An analogy, in response to
My DH and DS’s are computer whiz’s. I can fumble-bumble my way through things on the computer, but I am no expert. It will take me twice as long to figure out how to do something in a word document or a powerpoint presentation, or what have you, and yes I will feel some satisfaction for figuring it out on my own, but it will take twice as long and probably engender a lot of unnecessary frustration and elevated blood pressure and stress in the meantime. That said, I will do my best to figure it out on my own if I can. Also true if I run into some problem or error on the computer. I will try to fix it on my own without calling for help, but usually by the time I realize I am in trouble and cannot fix the problem on my own, I’ve made a big mess of it and it will take longer for them to untangle it than if I’d asked for help earlier in the process. And usually I’ll ask them to teach me to problem-solve it as they did so that I can learn the skill and handle it successfully on my own later on if the problem, or a similar one arises later. There is no shame in asking for help. It is a gift to realize when you need to ask.</p>
<p>Oh, good grief. Most of the posters who have commented that this bride could benefit from therapy were NOT reacting to the original premise that the bride didn’t want a big to do about a mother/groom dance. It was the further edict that there would absolutely be NO photos of mother and son dancing together (even if only in a casual, unofficial manner) allowed if she could help it. To most of us that sounds either downright mean spirited, or more likely, an extreme reaction to her own feelings of abandonment. It doesn’t sound remotely reasonable to FORBID photos of her groom and mother dancing. This girl clearly has issues which need addressing because she is obviously in pain and projecting her own negative feelings to others. That’s exactly the kind of issue that therapy can address, and it’s not about making her conform to a “norm.” It’s about giving her peace and helping her and her new husband avoid more conflicts to come.</p>
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<p>Since no one has proposed the idea that “every conflict” would or should benefit from professional intervention, that’s just more hyperbole.</p>
I can’t stress enough how surprised the bride has been by the feelings that she has been dealing with in the wedding context. She really had thought this was all behind her in childhood, but, as someone posted earlier, seeing friends/relatives of her generation get married has put the whole thing back in front of her again, kind of like the father/daughter dances in her school years. She absolutely believes that she has some unresolved issues and some feelings that she never worked through that are now in her face. I still think there will be a good resolution, but there really aren’t any *****es here. They all get along very well. (Although there are A LOT of strong women in the groom’s life, but that’s another story!)</p>
<p>Okay. I do think the B’s character got a little beaten up here, but i’ll cry uncle. I do believe therapy is a good tool for many people; I don’t believe it’s a necessity or the only possible path to healing/change/etc.</p>
<p>Right, right. no one said that. :)</p>
<p>But anyway, a poster who doesn 't know me from adam has shredded my CC card, so I shouldn’t be posting here anyway, lol. (I might allow jym or zoos that privilege, but the list is short.)</p>
<p>We would never do that, garland. We love you too much. Plus I aspire to being your neighbor someday. I feel terrible that I’ve given the wrong impression about the bride. She is not a monster or a whackjob (that is my niece!), but I have gotten some good suggestions here that my D is going to discuss with her, so it really was a helpful conversation.</p>
<p>Zoos–actually it had seemed to me that that had happened re the bride; that was one reason I spoke up–the impressions looked to be going awry from what you were saying about her.</p>
<p>Oh–you guys didn’t get your cards? I’ll speak to management.</p>
<p>I also think we are reading through our own filters. As a recent MOB, it makes sense that you would sympathize with the bride, garland. As a mother of s’s, I can see things from that perspective. Neither is right or wrong- just different views of the elephant, as they say.</p>
<p>My perspective is that of a MIL. What would/could I do in that situation? First, do I want this marriage to take place? Or do I think banning me from photos is indicative of behavior so troubling that I want my son to pause and think this relationship through a little longer? Do I feel the bride needs therapy? Am I the one to suggest it? How is that going to go over?</p>
<p>Bottom line: either I want to support this relationship or undermine it or derail it. How do I best accomplish my goal? If I want to support the relationship and consider the bride now one of my children - how do I best help her?</p>
<p>good questions, alh. I also meant to mention above that posters filters include seeing this situation as a child of a divorce or single parent, a single parent raising an only child, etc. It all shades how we read/view the same words on the computer screen.</p>
<p>Did anyone read the links posted in post #161. Both were pretty sage advice, IMO, from people in the “wedding industry” who see this a lot and have thoughts on whats going on and how to handle it successfully.</p>
And if a parent questions the child’s choice of a spouse or in any way tries to undermine or derail the relationship (which is a risky plan anyway) they risk sabotaging their relationship with their child. If the son feels the need to “take sides” he may make a choice the mom doesn’t want. Its a delicate cakewalk, since the mom wants the best for her child, but may be taking a risk by speaking up.</p>
<p>jym, I get your point about filters, though I honestly don’t think that’s where my stance came from. I hope to be a MOG someday, and I hope to be as gracious as my own MIL was, and as my D’s MIL more recently was. (the groom’s family had some dynamics that could have caused some major issues, but they all did a heroic job of keeping them under wraps for the day. I believe that there was a lot of stress involved in doing so.)</p>
<p>My commenting originally came for from my very engrained bias on things having to be a certain way (dances, who’s giving who away, and the rest). I’m pretty consistent on being prejudiced against those sorts of things, so yeah, I think that was my filter.</p>
<p>To add: a get a shoulder twitch any time someone says “I’ve always dreamed of having X or Y or Z in exactly this way.” Like I said, my bias.</p>