<p>niquii–sorry, being sarcastic. not a fan of classic interventions, either. Just riffing on maybe I need one to correct my indiscretions on this thread.</p>
<p>Ok. Lets just assume the bride is a self focused b*tch. End of story.</p>
<p>jym. of course. should perhaps not equate the two phenomena. Recently read one too many “your kid didn’t fit the norm? he must have executive function issues?” threads.</p>
<p>I totally realize real LD’s exist.</p>
<p>Let’s keep this where this thread is–anyone who doesn’t react like I do needs a therapist.</p>
<p>That’s an exaggeration, too, but we have a MOG who has her heart set on an artificial, made-up ritual, and a young woman who doesn’t want a similar ritual at her wedding.</p>
<p>but only one has issues.</p>
<p>Every New Yorker has a good shrink, masseuse, dermatologist, manicurist, and if you are over 40 then I would include plastic surgeon. Trust me, I am well equipped. I am a much better person today.</p>
<p>Jym. really? she needs a therapist, or she’s a b*tch? Really???</p>
<p>“Let’s keep this where this thread is–anyone who doesn’t react like I do needs a therapist.”</p>
<p>That’s not at all what was either said or implied. It’s a shame that so many of you still have this stigma around therapy.</p>
<p>@garland Look at her reason. If she really didn’t want the “ritual”, she would’ve said so. Instead, she uses childish reasoning, in my opinion: I can’t have it. Neither can you.</p>
<p>
Then I must start at once. :)</p>
<p>OF–glad I live in NJ. But that sums up my argument. thank you.</p>
<p>PG–could say that sums up the stigma against not availing of therapy, too.</p>
<p>Garland-
I guess I was too subtle. Apologies-- was just responding to one overgeneralization with another. On purpose. For effect.
I agree with PG- no one said that just because they have a diffferent view that she needs therapy, nor did anyone say that the mil “has her heart set on a made up ritual”. There is a lot of rewording being done for effect. </p>
<p>Sounds like the mom brought it up because in their custom/community the mo/son dance is common custom and when the MIL inquired about the song the future DIL reactied quite differently than was expected. And IMO, if we are getting it without hyperbole, then the brides initial reaction seems over the top. I’ve explained what could be going on from a family systems standpoint, but it really doesnt take a trained eye to see that.</p>
<p>Go to therapy or don’t.</p>
<p>I don’t care if the young woman doesn’t want any pictures of her husband dancing with his mother, but I also think that this is really not auspicious. No pictures? I mean, honestly, who even cares about who dances with who?</p>
<p>But, to believe that therapy is something someone does to be “normal” or to “fit a norm” is silly. People do therapy to get out of pain. </p>
<p>Going to therapy is the difference between learning to put on shoes or insisting they sole the pavement for you. Shoes give you freedom. Waiting for the world to be the way you want it? Prison.</p>
<p>Don’t want to argue with you, jym (really). therapy has been prescribed over and over in this thread. lots of diagnosing going on. I think overall, that seemed directed to correcting the B’s late rejection of a “custom” because of personal feelings. I do think you could turn that around and suggest therapy to the MOG for over-investing in a custom which does not fit family dynamics.</p>
<p>I’d suggest neither. MOG, benignly, has an assumption which does not fit B’s emotional vision of her wedding. No one’s fault, but asking B to reframe strikes me as a little callous.
I could not imagine my own MIL wanting anytihg of my wedding to redefine to fit her view of having brought up her son, nor my mom asking that. Nor would my D be expected to reframe her wedding to countenance the emotional exigencies of her or her H’s parents. We’re all grownups, and we get who’s getting married here.</p>
<p>She needs therapy. </p>
<p>She’s clearly suffering from a long-term PTSD. She should extend her wedding date until her problems are resolved. I suggest individual counseling, followed by marriage counseling. Perhaps, then she would have realized how foolish she was and apologize to her MIL.</p>
<p>^this is what I’m talking about.</p>
<p>The take I get from the OP is that the MIL , who raised her son essentially alone, asked the bride about the song choice for the dance, with a reasonable assumption, because its common custom there, that the son would dance with the mom. From what I read, when the bride had her knee-jerk over-reaction (as was portrayed here) , the mom was upset, but was planning to honor it. Perhaps I am reading more into the brides reaction than the moms, but thats how I read it. And it was explained as because of her absent dad and that the bride was , at that time, inflexible on this issue (no photos at all of a dance is the tipper to me). I feel for this bride. Her dad hasnt been there. But, IMO, she is harboring unresolved anger/hurt/punitive/vengeful feelings that can set the wrong tone in this marriage with her future husband and MIL if the interchange was as harsh as it was initially portrayed.</p>
<p>And whats the harm in talking to someone independently with expertise in the area who can help her sort things out? Weddings, as you know, are stressful times. Perhaps every bride/groom/MIL should have a counselor/therapist on speed dial! Couldn’t hurt.</p>
<p>** BTW, there is a difference between counseling and therapy (topic for another thread). People use the words interchangeable.</p>
<p>Agree with poetgrl. Understanding her history will help her feel in better control of all the emotions swirling around at this time.</p>
<p>I’ll just wait for garland to realize I’m anything but serious. :rolleyes:</p>
<p>jym, I certainly agree that a quick talk with a third party will definitely help anyone see straight in the mess and chaos of a wedding.</p>
<p>i’m not going to change anything here, but I do believe there can be a hurt in the idea that every conflict would (should) benefit from professional intervention. that human nature needs experts to deal with conflicts and uncertainty. that there can be a loss in the certainty that our own “I” can’t cope on it’s own.</p>
<p>Would you like to read that as a condemnation of therapy in general? I wish not, but I have little expectation. We’ve ingrained it into our worldview.</p>
<p>But that is so radical an idea that i’ll bow out and say good night.</p>
<p>Funny- I was in bed but my phone kept dinging with posts/messages and seeing as how I cant quote stuff on my phone, I got up to respond.</p>
<p>I do not see that so many say that everything that is not aligned with their way of thinking requires therapy, nor do I see that blasted all over cc. There are thousands and thousands of threads here, and I would guess (pure conjecture) that therapy or counseling is discussed in a small minority. But to say that it is commonly said “if I dont agree with you, you need therapy” (I am paraphrasing) is an overstatement, and IMO waters down the value of that discussion. In THIS particular thread many posters have mentioned it. Maybe there is a reason for that. Maybe posters from both experience as professionals as well as posters who have benefited from speaking to someone to work through personal or family issues can see the benefit here, in this circumstance. Food for thought. And for the pillow.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>
It’s been proven. Nothing wrong with a third party perspective. </p>
<p>And yes, garland, your CC parent card has been shredded. ;)</p>
<p>Garland has just been through the wedding drill, as the MOB/organizer of what sounded like a somewhat non-traditional wedding. Sounded lovely and went off well. So she has a unique perspective on this. Its a stressful time, and having an unbiased ear or feedback or someone(s) to reflect off of and bounce thoughts and feelings off of is very helpful. Whether its the kind cc community or a helpful trained professional. Ifs all good.</p>
<p>Last thought- again if the interchange occurred as was described and explained here, it DOES sound like the dau has some unresolved abandonment/ fa/dau “issues” which are resurfacing at this time. As poetgrl says, learning to understand them and how to deal with them is very empowering. She doesnt have to try to control it by controlling the photo op.</p>