<p>Ariesathena, I don’t know where you got the idea that the MOG is pushing, she isn’t. I have said several times that there is no question but that the bride’s wishes will be respected.</p>
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<p>HUH? “Go get therapy” isn’t invalidating her feelings at ALL. “Go get therapy” means – your feelings are important enough that if they are causing you pain at what should be a happy time, that you should really examine them and come to grips with them. It is PRECISELY taking her seriously to suggest therapy. Perhaps you think that the suggestion to get therapy is insulting? I don’t. I think it’s no more insulting than “you appear to have a cut on your arm, go see a doctor.”</p>
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Is this honestly your view on therapy??</p>
<p>I suggest any kid who had to grow up with the abandonment of parent to go through therapy. </p>
<p>To be honest, I think the bride feels a bit “empty handed”. She doesn’t have a father. She is going through the emotions again right in her own wedding. She clearly hasn’t come to terms with herself and her father and deems it appropriate that because she can’t have her father-daughter dance, her husband can’t have his mother-son dance. I also believe she feels vulnerable and insecure which would lead to her feeling justified in this decision, especially if her reasoning is “I’m not having a father-daughter” dance.</p>
<p>If I didn’t have a father to dance with at my wedding at grab someone else or just not dance at all. I certainly wouldn’t think to take away a dance from my husband and his mother. It’s a special dance. If they both want to dance who am I to stop it?</p>
<p>She could use some therapy to get her grief and pain worked through.</p>
<p>The goal in a situation like this is to get to a point where the bad behavior of others does not continue to effect you for years and years. Her father left, but he’s still at the wedding if her husband can’t dance with his mom.</p>
<p>I’m not saying she is “wrong” to feel the way she does, just that therapy could get her to a point where she was no longer controlled by his past actions.</p>
<p>Freedom.</p>
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Yes. Exactly. </p>
<p>She needs to heal and move on. If she does not it certainly will effect her marriage.</p>
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<p>Okay, while I can appreciate the bride’s original premise, absolutely “forbidding” a picture to be taken of the groom dancing with his mother in a casual, unofficial capacity, is getting downright weird. </p>
<p>It almost seems as though since she has no meaningful relationship with her father, that she begrudges the relationship her groom has with his mother. I hope that’s not true, because if it is, this is just the beginning of more trouble. Sounds like she could use some counseling to deal with her understandable feelings of abandonment.</p>
<p>I have always encouraged my husband to maintain his close and joyful relationship with his mom. If she’d wanted a dance with him at our wedding, I would have happily acquiesced.</p>
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That, and apparently this too:</p>
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which is really unfortunate. Therapy is not punitive. The bride’s continued, unresolved pain is what is punishing her, and her refusal to allow her husband to have a photo of him dancing with his mom is her punishing them for having a healthy relationship. This punishment should end-- with therapy.</p>
<p>^^^^Well said, jym626!</p>
<p>As an aside, my wedding was a Sunday morning-followed-by brunch-with -omelet-and -waffle-station kind of thing. We had a trio (arranged by an old college friend who is in the music industry now) playing soft jazz, and while there was no formal “dance with parent of the opposite sex” thing announced, DH did dance with his mother (who wore a bright pink chiffon long dress and wore her purple shoulder-strap eelskin purse on her during the dance :eek: , but I digress). Anyway, I encouraged them to dance. And his mom passed away a few years later. It is a special memory I would not have deprived him of (and the purple bag with her on the dance floor still makes me smile, 29 years later…)</p>
<p><strong>eta</strong> thanks, Nrdsb4. You said almost the same thing. We cross-posted!</p>
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<p>Wow, ariesathena. You couldn’t be more off-base.</p>
<p>I have some issues regarding losing a parent at an early age (wayyy too long of a story and not germane) and it took me til my mid-forties to finally confront it and realize how it impacted other relationships in my life, most notably with my husband. It is HEALTHY to go to therapy and recognize what lies beneath certain behaviors. </p>
<p>You’ve lost a LOT of credibility if you think that the suggestion for her to talk about her feelings about her “lost” father with a professional to help her heal is punitive, or that it means we think she has “problems” on the scale of an alcoholic or drug user. Invalidating her would be to suggest she should just buck up and get over it. That can be easier said than done. She WOULD benefit from a trained professional exploring why her own loss needs to translate to her preventing her husband / MIL from having as much as a picture of the two of them together. </p>
<p>(Shaking head)</p>
<p>Okay. I’m going to echo Aries’ POV somewhat. I, for one, am a little tired of “go get therapy” which is code for “you aren’t being appropriate.” I fully realize that this puts me beyond the CC pale. I actually see it as similar to “have you have your kid tested for LDs?”.</p>
<p>Because there are norms. and if you don’t fit the norms? you need therapy, or tests. something.</p>
<p>Sorry. prolly just lost my CC parent card right there.</p>
<p>garland, it’s not about going with or against the norm. In this case, it’s about promoting and maintaining healthy relationships and mindset. </p>
<p>What’s healthy about this?
Sure she may never get therapy, but to say there isn’t a deeper problem is…</p>
<p>But, hey, no grown woman has been crucified for being insecure…</p>
<p>Garland: Ok. I’ll bite. I think that’s a serious overstatement. No not everyone needs therapy ( though health growth work can’t hurt ) and not everyone struggling in school has a learning disability, but I find these statements dismissive and perhaps lacking in understanding of the benefits of evaluations and intervention. This brides reaction sounds like she has unresolved issues re: her absent father and is projecting it onto her future h/mil. If not, maybe she’s just a self focused primadonna? Or worse?</p>
<p>I think a lot of posters here could use some therapy, especially the ones who think they are perfectly normal.</p>
<p>I know I could and I have found a great drink that I have made even better by freezing it…</p>
<p>yes. I’m sure you’re right.</p>
<p>there are lots of interventions that can fix this. (I for one find the get therapy/get tested/get a label dismissive of how humanity works.) But like I said, turning in my cc card to say that.</p>
<p>Edit: not directed at you mdmom–I like your style.</p>
<p>I personally don’t think that “perfectly normal” is any kind of reality. So no claiming it here.</p>
<p>@oldfort One must lead by example. :)</p>
<p>@garland An intervention isn’t a type of therapy? 
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<p>Thanks. I knew we cross-posted!
I am sitting here wishing for that darn “like” button.</p>
<p>Seeing as diagnostics and treatment is what I do, I see it from a different perspective. And again I agree that not everyone has LD. But there are many who do who suffer years of labeling themselves as stupid and struggling with self esteem issues until it is identified and addressed. Just sayin</p>