<p>Just to be clear, I see nothing wrong with the mother being walked down the aisle by the groom; it is just something I have never seen. </p>
<p>When my brother got married, it was on a riverbank and we carried our own chairs out to the parking lot afterwards. My DD (17 at the time) somehow ended up with the photographer carrying hers. At least there were no awkward shots of people trying not to trip over tree roots while carrying chairs, lol.</p>
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The way I figure it is that if SHE appreciates the utter perfection of my son, we could possibly get along. If she is gracious about letting me spend some private time with my son, we could probably get along, and if she is a good person all on her own, we will probably be fine. But I will always believe that my son is perfection personified. I just worship him, I really do. Thankfully, he is the kindest and most considerate person I’ve ever met. Has always been that way since he was very young.</p>
<p>I always thought I wouldn’t like future sons-in-law, either and it is an interesting dynamic. Both girls have serious boyfriends, but the one I prefer by a long shot is the one who so clearly adores my D. I guess I can overlook a lot if I believe they are truly in love.</p>
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<p>In Jewish weddings, it is common for the parent(s) to escort their child down the aisle. So groom enters, flanked by his parent / parents, and bride enters, flanked by her parent / parents (though I’ve also seen where MOB walks first by herself and stops midway through, then FOB and bride come in, they pause and “pick up” MOB midway down the aisle and all three proceed). </p>
<p>I think that once you get beyond the new bride and groom dancing, no one really pays much attention to who is dancing with whom, which is to say groom will wind up dancing with his mother anyway at one point; it just won’t be as a hush falls over the crowd and all 200 guests watch. And the photog can snap a picture then.</p>
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The bride is absolutely adamant about that not happening. She does not want to see a picture of that and she is paying the photographer. I do think there will be plenty of candids, though.</p>
<p>What are the groom’s feelings? If he wants to dance with his mom at some point and discreetly get a photo taken, he needs to make sure that happens and the bride needs to put on her big girl panties.</p>
<p>ZM, what I take from what people are saying is the following: (1) It is not weird that the bride feels uncomfortable with a big deal being made out of a dance between MOG and Groom with special song, just them on the floor, etc. (2) It IS weird, however, that she doesn’t want a picture taken of them dancing together. I don’t see how the groom’s mother can possibly see this as anything other than dislike of her personally. It seems petty, and will not be conducive to a good relationship. It also doesn’t leave much room for compromise.</p>
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<p>I’m sorry, but given that the MOG is completely blameless in the B’s situation there is simply no excuse for that level of vindictiveness.</p>
<p>It is normal for people who hire photographers to give them a shot list, and they circulate around taking them. No one would notice. The B can make sure that that picture is not in her album, if it means so much to her to eradicate parents from the scene.</p>
<p>I agree that the obvious thing to do here is to have the mothers “give away” the B&G. People do it all the time. I also agree with ellebud that there appears to be something else going on there. </p>
<p>I think she should get some therapy, NOW.</p>
<p>My gut feeling is that once she works this all out of her system the bride will come to a compromise, I think her mom will insist on it if nothing else. I’m just not sure what that compromise will look like, and neither is anyone else. My D is going to remind her how good the future MIL has been to her and how they went wedding dress shopping and MOG dress shopping together, so she wouldn’t want to harm their relationship when a compromise really is possible. I think she should get a photo of her dad and scream and yell at it until she has said everything she needs to say to him and then move on. Or get therapy.</p>
<p>The bride sounds like she has misplaced anger. Her anger, if she is not ready to let it go, needs to stay directed at her dad, and not at her future MIL (or future husband who may want that special photo with his mom, who raised him alone). There are lots of ways, with a good therapist, to help her let go of her anger, but directing it at these two is not the right way.</p>
<p>** crossposted with zoos.
Would suggest writing a “letter” to her dad and then tearing it up and sending it down a nearby stream or similar symbolic “goodbye” letting go gesture. Yelling and screaming stirs up/escalates bad feelings. Writing them out and launching them lets it go.</p>
<p>MD Mom - I can’t imagine how hard that loss must be. My post said ‘presumably’ specifically because I can’t assume to know all situations and I was trying to allow for that. Again, I apologize if I was insensitive to your personal history. </p>
<p>Poetgirl - I actually don’t feel I’m alone at all. I had several friends who navigated divorced families with tense relations. I am sorry your father chose not to participate in such an important day in your life. </p>
<p>I did say I agree with what I believe the majority have stated, that the dance can certainly happen (and should), and be photographed without a lot of fuss.</p>
<p>Who is paying for this event? I do not mean it in a who has the gold makes the rules way. I am wondering if the bride & groom are paying for the majority of this event. If so, in my opinion, as host & hostess of the event they need to be welcoming and hospitable to their guests including the parents. They are inviting people to help them celebrate their union and their happiness. It is a special day and it is their special day but that does not give anyone (bride included) a pass on manners. If one is old enough to get married and host an event then one should be able to graciously handle this situation. I can not imagine why anyone would not want to be gracious and respectful toward the family members, who have been present in their lives, by working out a request.</p>
<p>The dance issue is one that can be resolved. The no pictures I hope can be resolved but it seems to be coming from an unfortunate place of nastiness.</p>
<p>I know the OP was looking for suggestion to pass along. Sorry to get off that path but it seems that there have been a variety of nice suggestions in this thread.</p>
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I don’t mean to imply that there will be no pictures of the MOG and groom. There will be no pictures of them dancing and, as yet, no other arrangements have been made to ensure that the photographer will get professional photographs of the two of them. The bride hasn’t refused to allow any pictures, just hasn’t yet made similar arrangements as she has for her own family.</p>
<p>Edited to add: the bride and groom are paying.</p>
<p>More and more I don’t think mother-groom dancing is the bride’s issue here. I think she has deeper psychological issues and hope she seeks therapy before she does anymore wedding planning. It doesn’t bode well for a good solid marriage because she is being so unreasonable and uncompromising. Not even allowing a photo of mother-son suggests a head case to me.</p>
<p>"There will be no pictures of them dancing "</p>
<p>Sorry I was typing in haste - I did understand that there was an issue with a specific picture of them dancing.</p>
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<p>At my D’s wedding, we had specific instructions for the photographer to take all photos from a list made by the groom’s families. Yes, families, as he has step-father, step-mother and half-siblings. Separate photos with each family. I paid for the photographer.</p>
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I think she should get a photo of her dad and scream and yell at it until she has said everything she needs to say to him and then move on. Or get therapy. <a href=“Grits%20teeth”>/quote</a> So this young lady does not know her father, not because he’s dead, but because he chooses to not be a part of her life. She struggles with that. Ergo, she needs therapy? </p>
<p>Contrary to what it is fashionable to believe, kids need a mom and a dad. Not having one of those people around hurts. Someone who needs therapy would be a person who is being downright nasty, or trying to fill the hole with drugs or alcohol. The fact that she’s hurting isn’t a reason to stuff her in a shrink’s office like a delinquent student sent to the principal. </p>
<p>Nor is it a reason to disregard her feelings, and “Or get therapy” smacks of doing just that. Nice way to invalidate her. </p>
<p>(Maybe the MOG should get therapy, because it sounds like she’s pushing this issue so hard because she doesn’t want to admit that raising your kid without a daddy might cause long-term harm. Easier to blame the bride than to acknowledge that the bride’s feelings might be a rather d-mning indictment of the MOG’s own choices. Ever thought of THAT?)</p>
<p>Aries. Easy does it. Not sure what your experience or image is of therapy, but it is a helpful resource for someone to process feelings that are having/causing a negative impact on the quality of their life, to help put things in perspective, to be mindful of what and where she is now, separate from her childhood loos/abandonment issues, to help them develop healthy coping skills, to understand themselves, their feelings and how they impact their lives, to learn to manage their affect and to develop healthy problem-solving skills. No need to be derogatory about the experience. It isnt punitive, its healthy.</p>
<p>Also, we do not know that the mom is “pushing the issue hard”. Haven’t gotten that impression from the posts at all. Rather, it sounds like she was merely asking about a song for this dance, with no indication or expectation of the response/reaction she would receive from the future DIL and was taken aback.</p>
<p>Relax. Take a deep breath…</p>
<p><a href=“Grits%20teeth”>quote</a> So this young lady does not know her father, not because he’s dead, but because he chooses to not be a part of her life. She struggles with that. Ergo, she needs therapy? </p>
<p>Contrary to what it is fashionable to believe, kids need a mom and a dad. Not having one of those people around hurts. Someone who needs therapy would be a person who is being downright nasty
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<p>No one is blaming her for having strong feelings about being abandoned by her father, and I think everyone agrees that if she wants to skip the parent/child dance hoopla it is perfectly reasonable. </p>
<p>What is not reasonable at all and IS downright nasty is to literally forbid the photographer to take a picture of a mother and son dancing together, when she knows that it would mean a lot to the mother and she knows that in the social circles she and the mother live in the parent dances are an expected thing. </p>
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<p>Apparently you missed the fact that the MOG managed to continue a sufficient relationship with the groom’s father so that he was involved in the groom’s life. It was her OWN mother who was abandoned completely, one gathers. </p>
<p>I don’t agree fully with your assumptions about “what a child needs,” but this is not the thread to argue that point.</p>
<p>I’m late to this thread, but have to comment…</p>
<p>I had no father at my wedding. He had died years before. We were so very close and I was very saddened that he could not be with me on this, the most special of event of my life.
There was no one who could take his place, so there was no special dance for me with a “father figure”.</p>
<p>But never once did it ever cross my mind that my husband would not dance with his mother.
One of the things that I loved most about him was his love and respect for his family - including his mother.</p>
<p>I can still remember (and am reminded by the photos) that special dance between the two of them. They were both so happy. It is one of the many moments I still cherish from my wedding.</p>
<p>This bride needs to think about her new husband and her new family and not let her father’s actions ruin part of the day. Allow her MIL and her new husband a few minutes. She will be so thankful that she did and her MIL will always remember the gesture.</p>
<p>H’s brother just got married. His mom died many years ago. The bride had her dance with her dad. And the groom danced with. . .his new m-i-l! I was sort of surprised to see this, but it was touching. I wonder if there is some other father-figure that the bride would like to dance with-- uncle, grandfather, brother? Or would she like to dance with her new f-i-l? (I didn’t read every post, sorry if this was already mentioned.)</p>
<p>I can see how she would feel “out of balance” if he has his special dance, but she doesn’t have hers.</p>
<p>I think the groom’s mom should just give up on the mother-son dance and let the bride have her way since the bride has “issues” with it. A bride has so many little anxieties on her wedding day, the m-i-l should give in and that will help her out with their relationship in the future. IMO, in this case, whoever gives in WINS as she will come out looking more considerate of the other woman’s feelings. But I feel it is more the m-i-l’s place to give in to the bride–just because the m-i-l is older and more experienced in life, and, well, just because the bride is the bride. I do think the bride is being unreasonable-- I don’t see the point of having NO PHOTOS of mother/son dancing together. Just eliminate the special, separate dances.</p>
<p>H and I had neither m/s, f/d dances at our wedding–never even thought of it. There is a photo of H dancing with his mom, none of me dancing with dad. (Neither of us had particularly close relationships with our parents.)
Personally, I always thought these dances were a little creepy. If any of my 3 sons gets married, I really don’t want to do a mother-son dance.</p>
<p>My brother’s stepdaughter is getting married in a month. I’m waiting to see how this all plays out at HER wedding (her bio dad has not been involved since she was about 7, but he has supported her financially, she uses his name, and he has shown up for major events. Stepdad and bio dad get along with each other. But I think the bride considers her stepdad as her “real” dad. So, I’m wondering who will walk her down the aisle and if there will be a dance.</p>