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I think she raised her son by herself…? (I don’t remember exactly.) If she did, I can imagine she is feeling a lot of loss. I haven’t read any posts of her reaction from zooser. </p>
<p>Good job, electron, for bring that perspective into play!</p>
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<p>Since I think this thread now has covered so much more than the OP, I wanted to respond to this. My father lived to regret breaking up one of my sister’s relationships. Long before my sons were in serious relationships, I told them I would do my best to never object to a significant other unless it seemed to me that individual was abusive in some way. They knew I was serious and have always made a point of asking me privately, “what do you really think?” I am very very very careful what I say… usually that choosing a life partner is an extremely personal decision. I focus on what I see as positives in the potential partner.</p>
<p>I focus on what I see as positives in my own kids, too. They aren’t perfect either.</p>
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Maybe it’s not the custom in your area, but it is absolutely the custom among Italian American families in my area. Now, I think the MOG should have considered that and might have done so if the father had been dead, but since the wedding is pretty much folliowing the local script, she assumed this would be the case, too. I am sure she is having some sense of loss, as well.</p>
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<p>Okay, and it didn’t happen at my wedding either (didn’t even occur to either me or my DH as an idea to reject), but zooser has said more than once that this is the custom there. So we cannot apply our own “culture” to this situation.</p>
<p>EDIT: cross posted with zoosermom</p>
<p>I agree with that Ahl.</p>
<p>In fact, my oldest knows she can call and be angry about her fianc</p>
<p>I’m not far from zoosermom geographically but from a different cultural background. I know I danced with my father at my own wedding, he chose the song. I think my husband and his mother joined in on that song after the first part. It’s not that I’m not aware of the popular customs, I just don’t see the worth in attaching a lot of weight to them I guess. I’d rather share a smile and a wink than a dance. It seems sad to me to let something like this detract from a celebration. This is the bride’s call and it has to be accepted and I hope the mother doesn’t make an issue of it with her son. There are enough sad times, funerals, etc in life, let this be a day of happiness.</p>
<p>These wedding threads have led me to make a list of things I may have t brace myself for if I am ever the MOG.</p>
<p>Here is a list of wedding things that would strongly displease me: engagement parties especially if people are supposed to give gifts; multiple showers (one I could probably tolerate 
); a highly religious ceremony, especially where the celebrant assumes that everyone present belongs to their faith; an MC DJ especially if calling out parent/child dances; the bride carrying a purse in which to place envelopes; a dollar dance (I can only imagine what that is based upon Upton Sinclair); any of that stuff with garters; throwing the bouquet (demeaning to women although nowhere near as bad as the garter vulgarity); a big gap between ceremony and reception for any reason; a videographer; any kind of bachelor/ette party involving strippers (S would NEVER do this, so I’m probably safe on that front ); an over-priced extravaganza for hundreds to which I am expected to contribute especially if also expected not to have an opinion on any of the above. (And I haven’t even gotten into the menu 
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<p>Sounds like your kiddos should elope, consolation! :D</p>
<p>I have not been to lots and lots of weddings, but I did attend five last year and people do so many different things, it seems that something lovely could be done instead of the mother son dance. </p>
<p>As was mentioned up-thread, a young Jewish man escorted his mother to her seat. The parents were no longer married and not cordial. It was a nice touch and I thought that I would like my son to do that although we are not Jewish. At another Jewish wedding, the families and friends danced around the newlyweds, which I also thought was a wonderful, symbolic tradition. Perhaps someone with more knowledge than I could explain those traditions, but I thought they were great. There may be a wonderful new tradition for this young couple to start(or adapt).</p>
<p>No, he should just have a modestly-sized, tasteful wedding, to which I will happily contribute wonderful favors and any other foodstuff they desire, including the cake. “Reasonably-sized and tasteful” runs the gamut from fields and barns and backyards to hotels and restaurants. It does not include fountains in the cake. :D</p>
<p>But in reality I am prepared to smile and nod. :)</p>
<p>Good point, MdMom. I like the Jewish custom of having both parents escort their child up the aisle. I also liked something I saw at someone’s wedding, and adopted it at ours: in the giving away part, both of us were “given” by our fathers, who said “Her/his mother and I do.” We regarded this as symbolic of the participation of the families in creating a new family, and less redolent of the idea that the bride is chattel.</p>
<p>fountains in the cake sound wonderful. As long as it has nothing to do with me and I just get to eat it. Oh, and also I would prefer it to be chocolate… the fountain. :p</p>
<p>As a chocolatier, I can assure you that the chocolate in a chocolate fountain is inferior. At S’s wedding, you could gorge yourself on my truffles instead. :D</p>
<p>Unfortunately, at the NJ wedding halls, it was all too common back in the day for the fountains to be lavender water. To coordinate with the 12 lavender bridesmaids. :D</p>
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Oh and I swear to you I would.</p>
<p>If I were getting married again I would have a mashed potato bar, a french fry bar, a chocolate bar and a bakery bar.</p>
<p>If I were invited to that wedding, I would arrive in a dress one size too big. ;)</p>
<p>If I were getting married again, I would have the red hot chili peppers play so my kids would come.</p>
<p>I’ve been to several weddings that featured no mother-son, father-daughter dancing, just a the couple’s first dance. I think the MOG ought to be sensitive to her DIL and if alternative suggestions don’t fly, just drop it altogether. </p>
<p>There are some other options , but my sense is that the bride won’t agree, and as much of a disappointment as it may be to the MOG, I really do think that the bride’s sensitivities need to be respected. If she’s open to it I especially like mathmom’s idea of groom dancing with each mom then the bride. Also the bride and groom dancing with their respective moms. I realize she has no father figures in her life, which may be influencing the bride’s decision as well. But I doubt the bride would go for anything that she thinks draws attention to the dynamic. </p>
<p>We are all assuming that no photographs of groom and mother dancing means no candids of them dancing. Do we know that is true? My interpretation, which may be wrong, is that bride was uncomfortable with a formal dance and obvious photo session while hundreds of guests watch. But if she means no photos of the two of them out on the dance floor at all, I think that’s totally insane. Bride doesn’t have to put the candid in her album, but MIL should at least be able to order it from the proofs for herself. Bride and groom don’t have to pay. </p>
<p>I think people can use the “you need therapy” line as a weapon or to marginalize and also that there are more people who need therapy than get it. The two are by no means mutually exclusive.</p>
<p>Honestly the one thing I won’t tolerate at my kids weddings…is the increase in the music volume as the evening goes on. I want the guest to be able to dance, etc. but I want folks to be able to converse without yelling or leaving the reception room, and I would like everyone’s hearing not to be damaged.</p>
<p>I’ll put that in the contract. It so annoys me.</p>
<p>Wow, you’re a tough cookie, Consolation. Or maybe a tough truffle :-)</p>
<p>What’s wrong with an engagement party, especially if the groom is from a different city and the bride’s parents are introducing him to their friends / family? </p>
<p>As for multiple showers, there are often different “factions” who want to give gifts – the MOB’s friends who have seen the bride grow from childhood; a same-age girlfriend of the bride. Those groups don’t typically overlap. I’m not sure what the objection is. </p>
<p>I wouldn’t do the dollar dance or the bride carrying a purse for envelopes if you paid me (ha ha), but it’s hard to argue that it isn’t an ethnic tradition for some, as tacky as it seems to others.</p>
<p>And really, throwing the bouquet is kind of a harmless, meaningless tradition that people do. it takes about 1 minute out of the festivities. Sometimes you just have to have a sense of humor about things!</p>
<p>Engagement parties were the norm in my parents’ social circle when I was a girl, but they were <em>never</em> about gifts and only about introducing the families to each other and their closest relatives and friends. Often, the guests were unaware of the purpose for the dinner party until the announcement was made just to make sure it didn’t appear to be a gift grab.</p>
<p>Contrast the above to what I heard this weekend - I met one of dh’s coworkers and his wife who’ve lived in our area for less than a year and heard, in great detail, about their son’s upcoming wedding. They recently threw a big engagement party for the couple back in their (not the young woman’s) home state. The wife said it was so that all of their many, many friends who would not be able or willing to travel to the bride’s home town for the wedding next winter could come celebrate and bring presents for the couple. She (the MOG, not the bride) specifically asked her friends and family for a “Love Offering” (i.e.: cash gift toward the honeymoon, suggested “gift” was $100.) Maybe my reaction showed on my face, because she quickly said the cash was not required although she clearly encouraged it and knew who gave at least that much. I was stunned. </p>
<p>On the way home, dh asked if he heard correctly and was similarly shocked. I suggested that may be the norm among their friends, but since we’ve lived in the last two cities where they lived and never heard of such a thing, he’s doubtful.</p>
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<p>That is still the case according to traditional etiquette. The engagement is supposed to be announced at the party, not on the invitation. For just the reason you state.</p>
<p>We are having an engagement party to introduce the two families, and just for fun to celebrate the engagement-- it will also be the first time most of our family has seen our new house. I really, really, really do not want any gifts. But we’re not making it an announcement at the party, as nice as that would have been— it would have been difficult to keep things under wraps until then and we wouldnt have wanted any hurt feelings if anyone important heard through the grape vine, and only family are coming.</p>
<p>As sad as it is, I don’t think my relatives would have taken time off work to come over for just any party I was having. They wouldn’t be coming if they didn’t know why.</p>