<p>You nailed it. My Step-D and many of the brides I have known lately have bought into the TV created myth of “IT’S YOUR DAY” and anything you say, goes. And, the grooms go along to get along, I suppose. </p>
<p>As we tried (and failed) to explain to Step-D, this is a day that not only celebrates you and your groom (and at times we think she forgot a groom was involved), but also blends two families forever. </p>
<p>I am happy to say that Step-D2, who is getting married next year, seems to understand this much better and I’m hopeful her wedding will be a much more pleasant experience.</p>
<p>I remember that when H and I were married, the minister emphasized to us in our sessions beforehand that this was a joining of two families. </p>
<p>Sounds like this “friend” is deeply insecure, if she needs to openly gloat about making more $$ than her friends. It’s too bad, but your D is well shut of her. As someone said, when people tell you who they are, believe them.</p>
<p>She’s nobody’s friend. What a jerk. Not worth the time of day.</p>
<p>I do have to say, though, that I don’t think weddings are about the “joining of two families.” I don’t feel my husband’s family and mine really have anything in common other than the grandchildren. They are each very nice in their own way, but just very, very different, and honestly, they don’t spend time with one another except in occasions where it’s necessary (e.g., an event for my children). They are friendly and warm to one another on those occasions, abut they aren’t really “joined.” And that’s just fine. They have their own sets of friends.</p>
<p>When I talk about a wedding blending two families, I don’t mean they will be forever joined at the hip. Of course they still have their own friends and may not see each other very often. But they are family - joined by the new couple. They now have children, and someday, grandchildren in common. They will celebrate the same birthdays and other life events. They will deal with the same struggles and hardships. It would be nice, and helpful, if they’re not complete strangers. And a wedding can help start that process get off on the right foot.</p>
<p>Wow. I just read through this thread over lunch, and it’s so sad just thinking how people can treat each other. I thought early in this thread that the bride was a control freak and self absorbed. “My father left us therefore I won’t permit any pictures of my husband and his mom” Really? But when zoo sermon commented that the groom was surrounded by strong women in his life, it was pretty obvious that he married one, and he will probably be subservient the rest of his life. And heaven forbid if he doesn’t earn enough to meet her expectations. She will begin to disdain him, too. </p>
<p>My son got engaged recently, and I think his choice of wife makes me as proud of him as anything else he has done. I’m really looking forward to getting to know her family because if she’s a reflection of them and their values, they must be wonderful people. I wish other people could be as lucky.</p>
He has known for a couple of years that she plans for him to stop working when they have kids. He is also a CPA and, interestingly, has a “better” job than she.</p>
<p>I hope that the almost-inevitable split happens <em>before</em> they have kids.</p>
<p>But who knows, maybe a miracle will happen and she will see a therapist who will help her deal with this stuff. Either that, or the marriage counselor will. ;)</p>
<p>It also comforts me to think that the MOG has other children who may have grandchildren. It would be very sad if this were her only child.</p>
<p>Seriously, maybe this guy will be perfectly happy to have a organized, dynamic spouse who rules the roost. Some people are. It is when the organizing impulse slips over into controlling and is mixed with meanness that it really becomes a problem.</p>
<p>I’ll interrupt this thread with a happy update to #120–the bride with TWO dads. Biological dad showed up. (He is an alcoholic, came with his new biker chick wife.) Both dads walked bride down the aisle, and the bio dad sat down immediately. At the “Who gives this woman in marriage?” the stepdad answered “Her mother and I.” At the reception, the stepdad gave a little welcoming speech (host’s toast? never really seen that before). For the father/daughter dance, the bio dad started, then halfway through, the stepdad cut in and finished the dance. Everyone was fine with it. A bit awkward with bride’s mother’s family who have hard feelings for ex, but at least he was there. This is the only daughter for both men, so it was a special event for them, and everyone seemed pleased with how it worked out–no murmuring among the aunts/cousins. I can’t remember the father/daughter dance song, but the bride and groom, who met in a college swing dance club, danced to Count Basie’s “Solid as a Rock”–really cute dance!
The groom is a DJ who has worked at many wedding receptions, and I think his experience paid off–they knew what to do/not do, and how to make everything run smoothly.</p>
<p>Hmmm. Photographer did not shoot me pinning S’s boutonniere. He did get pics of my sister (in shorts and t-shirt) doing so. S did not walk me down the aisle to my seat. OTOH, DIL did not want her mom in the dressing room. They are oil and water. </p>
<p>S & DIL did not spend much time thinking about processional type things. Photographer did not get some of the shots we wanted. Had I kept my wedding consultant hat on through the entire day, these things would have happened. But nah, I decided to be present" and put down my camera/manager hat instead…</p>
<p>I did get formal pics with S and me after the ceremony.</p>
<p>Am not angry with S and DIL. It worked out OK.</p>
<p>This behavior, based on the earlier descriptions, was predictable. People, regardless of whether they are the “star” of the day (ie bride/groom) or are the ones paying for the event should not, IMO, make any “line in the sand” demands or edicts. There are a lot of personalities and a lot of feelings involved here, affecting a lifetime of relationships. One needs to look past the day and think about the overall family dynamics and relationships.</p>
<p>Jym, yes and no. Some things are so egregious that they destroy the relationship permanently. In this case, the MOG has already said she will get over it and the relationship will be basically the same. In the case of my Wretched Niece, the relationship with my mother is over. Maybe because there was a lifetime of ill will, whereas the new MOG and wife don’t have a long and personal history together. I actually do think it’s fine to communicate early and respectfully that some accommodations need to be made.</p>
<p>Edited to add: my D has a bet with another bridesmaid that the bride will come back from the honeymoon and act like none of the conflicts ever happened and expect everyone else to do the same. Her belief (the bride) is that when one is planning her wedding, all rules of decorum and courtesy can be suspended with no consequences. Because it’s her day.</p>
<p>Sounds like the MOG is being more than understanding (way more than many would likely be), but it would be quite understandable if she felt hurt and it both took a long time to get over and tainted her feelings towards her new DIL. It may likely affect how MOG feels about future choices/behaviors/demands made by this new DIL. There are holidays to deal with, and what about when kids come along. </p>
<p>I am planning to attend a wedding of a relative soon. I know the relationship between the groom, dad and dads current wife and groom’s mother have been very strained/broken for a long time, but when I saw the mothers name on the invitation I thought things were perhaps a little better. Discovered later that the mother is not planning to attend her own son’s wedding (how sad) and I then got the impression that I was supposed to decline the invitation (we’d already RSVP’d in the affirmative). Its not my battle and I feel uncomfortable being pulled into it. There will apparently be no one else from our side of the family in attendance. That is going to feel awkward, as we will apparently know no one except the groom, his sibling and his father.</p>
<p>Zoos,
In our religion, I think the parents of the groom usually walk down the aisle together (I will pay closer attention at this next wedding). Is that true for you as well? If so, how will it work for your to be seated by your son? Will you walk down with your husband and then son will seat you, or will you walk down the aisle with your son? If so, who will your husband walk down with?</p>
Brings back thoughts of the earlier recommendation-- this girl needs therapy. First it was all about her issue with her late dad, but now it sounds like its more about her, her, her. This doesn’t bode well for future relationships with her new H or family.</p>
</p>