<p>
</p>
<p>At least in my experience, breastfeeding isn’t hard or stressful at all, provided that you and your baby are together (almost) all the time. It’s actually quite easy; you hook the kid on, and it eats. No preparation, no cleanup, no equipment. But breastfeeding while holding down a job is an entirely different matter. I am in awe of the mothers who manage to do it. I don’t think I could have.</p>
<p>“I think it’s very important for both partners to be on the same page with regard to working and childcare.”</p>
<p>Zoosermom, I couldn’t agree more. I resent my husband AND the kids, because I felt all three saw my value to the family as being nothing more than a paycheck that was necessary to their easy lifestyle–a lifestyle I did not want or value at all. My goal was to work for an aide organization in Africa. I couldn’t find a job doing that right out of school, so took what I thought was a very temporary stop gap job until I could get what I wanted. I unexpectedly got pregnant and the rest is history. H’s friends used to joke that I was a keeper because I was an RPU, which stood for revenue producing unit. I’m still not laughing. It’s very hard to quit and/or scale back to a lower paying job when no member of your family supports you in that decision. The kids liked their nannies and wanted me to keep working as much as H. </p>
<p>Someone made a comment that they didn’t understand why anyone would have children and then have a nanny raise them. If you have a job, you need child care. If that job involves frequent last-minute travel and your husband cannot be counted on to be home, then that child care must be live-in. If quitting said job is not supported by your spouse, then the choice looks a lot like divorce, in which case the kids would be raised by a nanny anyway because I would still have to work the high paying job to afford to pay alimony to spouse (which several of my friends ended up having to do).</p>
<p>My point to the college students reading this thread is that life often throws us difficult choices. My getting pregnant put my future H in a difficult bind, as well. We both had to make a lot of compromises to make this last. Ironically, H and I are getting along much better now that I’m not working because I am happier. In addition, I’ve told him he is free to quit his job anytime. I have no problem making the lifestyle changes this would entail–never did. The kids are virtually on their own–college is fully funded–so it no longer hurts them for me to quit, at least the way I see it. They still seem to have some doubts, but at least H is finally on the same page.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>In order to feel like I actually WAS a mother, I chose to breastfeed after I went back to work at 10 weeks. We used a combination of reverse-cycle nursing and pumping often to ensure that the kids never tasted a sip of formula. They nursed well over a year and I spent that time pumping in the bathroom and lugging my ice packs and pump on my 3-4 hour a day commute. Those nursing relationships are what I am most proud of in my life.</p>
<p>
Exactly. I came from a nice family and never, in my wildest dreams thought that I’d marry someone who is functionally illiterate and that I’d support for years.</p>
<br>
<br>
<p>Getting started was hard and stressful for me–this latching thing looks so easy in the animal kingdom, but turned out to be a bit harder than it looks in real human life.</p>
<p>Oh, oh–if we’re not careful, we’ll have to start the female equivalent of the “Man Cave”.</p>
<p>Do y’all hear that?</p>
<p>Someone said breasts and now I hear a stampede coming from the direction of the Man Cave!</p>
<p>Breastfeeding definitely <em>is</em> hard and stressful at first. At least, it was for me! I expected it to be easy and come naturally, and it didn’t. But once it is well established, well, there’s nothing less stressful and easier. I remember being at a bottlefeeding relative’s house when her infant daughter woke and began to cry for a feeding and watching the new mom scramble around to fix a bottle, when all I had to do was pull up my blouse. 
I highly recommend putting up with the initial learning curve and discomfort. It’s worth it. :)</p>
<p>I tried for my s, the eldest born to have breast milk when I went back to work. For a baby of 4 months, he didn’t gain weight for a whole month. He got formula after that. My children were 16 months apart and I had live-in help. It is still not easy as we have no family around. For short periods of time we tried day care as well. I lived in fear they are not getting enough attention, esp. when they were babies. My d did not take to daycare at all. She cried every morning for a whole month. And then she lost weight. I sometimes wonder if the first day care s went to at 4 months somehow dropped him on his head, resulting in his fairly severe lds. It may seem silly to an independent observer, but these are a mother’s fears and anxiety.</p>
<p>Working simply became too difficult for me, esp. when there were no compelling financial reason. We could live on h’s one income, though we had to be frugal. For the longest time I regret my lack of professional accomplishment. My best friends are all pillars of society and at the pinnacle of the careers and sometimes I wished the same. They do have family support and lots of help. One friend, a senior VP at a big bank, always had two maids to look after her four kids, and family close by.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I have a few friends who are new moms and claim it was incredibly difficult for them to get into the groove of things. I think it’s somewhere between what I originally said (hard, frustrating) and what you are saying (easy), or rather it often starts hard and becomes easy. My one friend put it like this… well I am paraphrasing: “The first several weeks can be miserable. My nipples were sore and cracked, L wouldn’t latch correctly… I felt like a failure. I thought that breastfeeding being natural would translate to breastfeeding being easy, but when it wasn’t, I almost give up. A lot of my friends with babies L’s age gave up. But with time, as my baby and I got the hang of it, it became easier. It’s now much easier for me than it is for my friends who bottle-feed.”</p>
<p>Short story: It can start hard and then get easy. But I wouldn’t say it’s easy for all women because I’ve known so many who find it miserable and feel that they are failures as mothers because they can’t do something that is supposedly so simple. It’s unfair to assume it will or should be easy for every woman… it creates expectations that aren’t always realistic and that can cause new moms a lot of distress. The hospitals around here have lactation consultants just for the women who have difficult times breastfeeding.</p>
<p>Lactation consultants can provide priceless assistance, as can La Leche League volunteers. I think moms need to know that it often takes six weeks to get into a completely comfortable groove and that it’s worth being patient for. The lack of good information can be scary. So many nursing relationships are ended prematurely for lack of a proper latch.</p>
<p>SAHM’s have been the mainstay of volunteer organizations for many years…fundraising for Symphonies, Art Museums, Halfway Houses, Women’s causes, Hadassah (which built and supports at least two hospitals, an orphanage, and a nursing school) and many more. Besides the good the organizations do, the skills honed here have often transferred to paying jobs. </p>
<p>And re the division of household labor–my H and I have long had a plan: Whoever cooks doesn’t have to do dishes. Works like a charm. Occasionally gets suspended when DH goes straight from work to an evening meeting, but I get profuse thanks for the favor. :)</p>
<p>I made a conscious decision not to breastfeed from day one. I had a pediatrician that was very supportive of my decision. My babies were extremely healthy, bonded with me immediately, and we couldn’t be closer even today. I was very happy as a new mother without having to breastfeed. My pediatrician used to say, “what’s important is to have happy mom, everything elese is secondary.” It was the right decision for us and I would do it all over again.</p>
<p>I could mix a formula with one hand in a car. My older daughter would only take her formula micro waved for 30 seconds and the younger liked it cold.</p>
<p>I’ve finally come to appreciate the fact that hubby does most of the housework, a lot of the cooking and all the shopping. I didn’t appreciate these things for a long time, so this is a big thing in our house!</p>
<p>I was a SAHM for a few years then an unexpected business opportunity joined up with an unexpected pregnancy and my DH ended up working out of a home office as Mr Mom whilst I worked FT and more. He did drive the baby to work for me to breastfeed twice a day, but I definitely stopped sooner with her than the others.</p>
<p>I loved being home, I did not love working and missing the baby times. Over the past many years, for some reason, there have been several occasions when DH has played Mr Mom to that same D and they have the most amazing close relationship. He got to be Mom, but so am I. Sometimes I get a little envious, but mainly I am so blessed he had the chance to experience that closeness, he is close to the others, not nearly as close as to the one he “raised” She is a lucky girl and he is a lucky man to have had that opportunity. He did make some career sacrifices along the way, but I suspect in the long run, he’ll be glad he followed the path he did.</p>
<p>After a few years I was able to extricate myself from that business and ever since have worked, but had the flexibility to be at most every sporting event, dance event, etc. Sometimes I travel and that’s when DH steps in as Mr Mom again.</p>
<p>One really nice side effect of me working and him being home was that no one is the main house keeper or cook, each of us does whatever works best.</p>
<p>One clue o the ease of breast-feeding, or rather the ease of stopping- don’t decide to wean your toddler by dropping her at Grandma’s and heading to Mexico, I sincerely do not recommend it, though you will look amazing in the bikini for a day or two ;)</p>
<p>All my ads in the left-hand column on this page are about breastfeeding… reminds me of the llama thread. Write about llamas for a while and start seeing ads on the left for alpacas…</p>
<p>Sorry for this commercial interruption. Back to the topic at hand…</p>
<p>^^ I have baby alpaca ads!</p>
<p>This is such a good discussion. I’ve been in both roles, and they were both fulfilling and challenging. And I’ve found both roles are frequently unappreciated and misunderstood.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I understand this (I grew up in a household with a severely disabled twin, and am well aware that life can throw you serious curveballs). I’m not actually trying to argue against this. The only thing I’m arguing against here is that valid points like these are made in society to women, but not, from what I have seen, to men. At least, they only seem to be made to women in the context of discussing having a career outside the home vs. staying at home. If they were made equally to men and women, I would have no problem with them (they are true, after all…life <em>does</em> throw unexpected curveballs, and people <em>do</em> end up leading lives that they never would have foreseen; I’m not so young as to have not noticed this).</p>
<p>Jessie, I see your point, and I think that it is very valid.</p>
<p>In my younger, ignorant days, I used to consider stay-at-home moms & housewives “parasites” leeching off their husbands. I had thought that only a woman without her own merit or means of survival would settle to stay at home. After all, anyone can stay home and be a mom but not everyone can be out there working a “real job”! (My mother was a working mom whereas all of her sisters were stay at home moms.) It was through my mother-in-law (whose three sons became dentist, lawyer & doctor) that I have learned that a stay-at-home mom CAN & DOES contribute to the society in ways not measurable by mere “salary” alone. At the beginning, it was hard for me to reconcile these two polar standards of a woman’s role & value. What finally made me see the light was when I had to admit to myself that in the domestic arena, I really did NOT measure up to my sisters-in-laws ( who were stay-at-home moms). Their homes were always neat and tidy whereas mine was messy by comparison. I had to get off my high horse and begin to RESPECT the job of a homemaker & a mother before I could really learn this important life lesson!! A SAHM has to be self-motivated and self-disciplined to get all the chores done! The house doesn’t stay clean all by itself! Someone has to do the cleaning, the cooking, the grocery shopping, handling all the home repairs, catering to the children’s needs…etc. After 23 years of marriage, I’m happy to say that I’m very much at ease for being a fulltime homemaker who had raised two wonderful kids, both of whom are currently attending a top Ivy. DH appreciates my contribution to our family because our children have benefitted immensely. </p>
<p>I do believe in the equality between men and women, but I define equality as placing EQUAL RESPECT and VALUE on the ROLES played by the two genders ( the spouses). I have seen some marriages where the husband’s income is HIS money only and the wife’s income is HERS only, and they chip in an equal amount to cover common expenses. Maybe this setup works for many people, but for a romantic like me, this would not be MY ideal marriage. It would make me feel as if DH and I are just two roommates rooming together. Whatever happened to “for better, for worse, till death do us part” if H & W can’t even share their money with each other?! To me, marriage is like a soccer team, the success of which depends on the “teamwork” between the forwards and the defenders. DH is the forward of our team while I’m the defense player guarding the home front. I am raising my son to be a provider for his family and I’m raising my daughter to be a “mid-fielder” who will pitch in WHATEVER ways her family needs her. IF she has the higher earning potential, then she can be the breadwinner while her husband stays home with the kids, or vice versa, or they can each do half-half. There has to be some sort of division of labor to get all the bases covered. That’s the key to a successful marriage and life in general. BTW, “success” is not necessarily measured in terms of material acquisitions, fame, or social status either. To me, success has more to do with how at peace one is with his/her existence in this world. For me personally, I define success as having a harmonious relationship with all the people in my life and doing my best in the roles I’ve been cast to play in this lifetime, such as being someone’s daughter, sister, wife, mother, friend, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, colleague,…etc. But, that’s a whole new discussion…</p>