I am very late to the party here, but I have to say that I could have wondered that about my D and her friends (but I was pretty much like that myself …). D & friends are all happy and well-adjusted with friends and great lives. Some, including D, are engaged (or married) - most have significant others. My S was also like OP’s D … although his friends all partied and had GF’s. S is now happy, well-adjusted, has a great GF, and has a good life. Both kids are with their only serious partner … and H & I are each others’ only serious partner (we’ve been together 39 years).
D made a comment after college graduation: She said her life was a mess & she was not ready to let anyone else into it. Once she got herself settled in her career, she met a great guy & the rest is history.
But even if my kids didn’t have significant others, I wouldn’t be worried about them. Two of my brothers never married & live quiet but happy lives. One of my very best friends never married … while she really would like to have married & had kids, it never happened … but she is happy and has a full life.
" One of my very best friends never married … while she really would like to have married & had kids, it never happened … but she is happy and has a full life."
But you never know when lightening strikes. It may be too late for raising kids but never too late for love and a fulfilling relationship.
Yes. A patient who f mine, from 35+ years ago, has moved near me. She is now very happily married, I delight in hearing nag of the special qualities in their relationship
I haven’t read through the whole thread, so please excuse me if I’m just saying more of the same. I just want to share that I was a “librarian with cats” type and not at all happy about it. I was very interested in boys/men but apparently acted like I wasn’t (seriously, at one point some guys I knew told me they had thought for years that I was married!). If any men were ever interested in me, they sure as heck didn’t let me know. Also, I’m not an average person, so the pool of men I could be serious about is smaller than average, which made things harder. But…it all worked out in the end. I’ve been married 20 years and have both children and cats (and a dog). My children also seem to be late bloomers in the relationship department, but unlike me, they don’t seem tortured by it. I think the cultural expectations have shifted a bit and there is more tolerance (at least among the young and intelligent) for all varieties of social and relationship styles and patterns, not only for others, but also for themselves.
“Are my daughter and her friends all destined to be librarians with cats?”
You should wish. This thread makes me laugh. I never dated in high school or college, just not what I was doing at the stage of my life. After college I moved into my own apartment, got two cats, and a job as a… wait for it… a librarian. Within a year I was married to the man of my dreams and 38 years later, he still thinks I am the hottest thing going. Love him.
Thanks for sharing @lololu , lovely story. It’s nice to know that late bloomers find romance too. I guess my D is so different from me that I find it worriesome. By her age I had already had two real boyfriends and a different date for the Sadie Hawkins dance. But I was the last of my siblings to get hitched, because I was too busy having fun.
Meanwhile, there is an interesting (maybe) development with a friend from her college. Since the end of the school year just over a month ago, they have already met up three times. She insists they are just friends, which is fine with me. But he has actually driven over here twice (an hour’s drive) to spend the day hanging out, so I guess we shall see. I will invite you all to the wedding, haha!
Yes, by my D’s age, I had dated rather a lot and had 3 boys/young men that had contemplated and discussed marriage with me. I had also met and started dating H. D has also faced and overcome a LOT more adversity than I had faced at her tender age, which has put a wrench in a lot of things, including any energy for romantic relationships. Hopefully the physicians and tincture of time can work some magic to give her a good quality of life. I’m grateful she’s happy and making the best she can of her situation.
S is having a lot of fun and I believe some relationships. He is keeping his friendships to himself but we hope he will share when he is ready. His dad took his time so he doesn’t say anything, since S is way younger than H was when H met me.
Our kids sure have a different timetable than I did.
I tried not to seem too excited when D (college junior, limited dating experience AFAIK) mentioned several dates with the same guy near the end of spring semester. She’s home for the summer, 10 hours away from him, and I don’t know if anything will resume when she gets back in August; but for her birthday, he sent her a Spotify play list, which cracked me up – the modern equivalent of a mix tape!
My two daughters both want families and children. They have more guy friends than girl friends, and both love engineering/gaming types. They have had many opportunities to date.
My oldest is adamant about having children at an early age (mid twenties.) I got married at 30, had children in my forties. She will definitely do it differently. Both will probably be stay at home (work at home) moms with technical or business degrees.
They aren’t religious, aren’t conservative. But when it comes to children, they insist on marriage, hands-on parenting, financial security, and good husband/father types. Very old-fashioned and risk-averse when it comes to children.
I wondered about the same thing too as I have many female cousins who never married. My girls are 17 and 14 now and it’s clear that they are both “girls who date”. But it used to worry me a little, I even thought that there may be something genetic… It just puzzles me why some girls, pretty and fun, never seem to date, and not for lack of interest or effort. I do think that it has something to do with being flirty, but not always.
DD1 has THE definition of the “resting B face” on top of being a generally oblivious person and yet she gets plenty of attention. Just last weekend, we were checking in at a hotel in Baltimore. Also checking in were a group of HS baseball players in town for a tournament. As soon as we walked in, they started boldly checking her out! In front of her parents! Then one of them said to her “Nice hat!” As I expected, my oblivious 17yo completely missed the entire episode. Her sister and I filled her in later.
I can see my 14 y/o D making little baby steps. We went to the mall and she actually picked out shorts that don’t go to the knee. What??? We bought clothes in some popular teen chain stores, still working on the teenage grooming.
It’s not just daughters. My oldest son is alone, and he is not a loner but was badly burned by his first gf, and then years later when he finally ventured out again, got burned again. He’s all the things women say they want, but watching the young women I know date, I’m not sure they mean it. There’s a lot of talk about strong , steady, employed and interesting … but they are dating immature, grabby, drinking, underemployed guys who just play video games and hang out. And with little intent to do more than just date-and-dump. Men have feelings too, or at least the good guys do!
I can only speak from the male side as I have sons. My take is that something is changing. Kids seem to be pushing off getting into relationships. Most of boys I know in my son’s class do not have girlfriends. I talk to him all the time about it as it seems very strange to me. My son just laughs it off and says that I am old fashioned and that kids don’t date like they used to. Has the species changed? Have hormone levels plummeted? Is the biological urge to mate not inherent in today’s youth? I doubt it. A species does not change in one generation. But something is off.
To me it is wasted years. To me, one needs to get the awkward conversation, kissing, dating out of the way in HS and College. Lets face it; relationships are a skill like anything else that takes practice. One needs to practice in HS and College. How can you start the process when your 30 years old?
Am I cynical in blaming the internet for this? All this texting and you tube watching? Do kids even talk to one another anymore? Do they ever look up from their phones to catch someone looking at them who is trying to make contact? It must be hard meeting people today when nobody looks at you and everyone walks around like a drone.
@greenbutton My son is not far off. He too has been burned and is finding the same thing. So far he is a non-drinking, non-drug taking clean cut guy. I too am seeing that “girls just want to have fun”. Can’t say I blame them. Which mom out there is telling her daughters to find a husband in HS or college? Most say to just have fun and not get too serious.
Well…maybe that woman author who said females going to Princeton need to find a husband because they will never have such a great pool of guys to choose from…I digress…
@MassDaD68 and @greenbutton But your sons have been dating! I think many posters here just want their DDs to date… at all. To have the experience of dating in HS and college. Your sons are doing just that. I guess you want them to do more of that and I can’t blame you.
I think that there’s something to the concept of “nice guys finish last”, especially when the girls are young and immature. DD1 (rising senior in HS) seems to exclusively date and “talk to” boys who are very alpha and don’t hesitate to start major drama. At a minimum, she told me, the boys have to be varsity players in the “right” sport, which around here are soccer, hockey, swimming and lacrosse. DD1 is very friendly with several boys in her Calc BC class but she’s never dated any of them. But I can already see her taste maturing a little. She is currently “intrigued” by a college boy who is working in the same HIV lab she is working at this summer. I think she’ll be done with the drama-filled lacrosse players by the time she gets to college and start dating boys who’ll make good husbands and fathers (like her dad )
My son is a lax player and is non-dramatic. He’s been dating the same girl for a year now and still going strong. Meanwhile, my D is meeting up with guy friend from college, again. And because I have nothing better to worry about, what if she turns off other guys because she spends so much time with this guy?
Some possibilities from observing those in my generation(Tail end Gen X) and younger friends:
Massive educational loans far more burdensome and on a wider scale than was the case in previous generations tend to impose serious financial constraints...and debt-laden individuals tend to to make those who are debt-adverse or have substantial debt burdens of their own very wary of entering into a relationship...especially a legally binding marriage.
State of job market for many is such that un/underemployment is a reality which is another serious financial constraint.
Many in my and younger generations have experienced our parents or known of close friends/neighbors whose parents were stuck in bad marriages and/or had horridly contentious messy drawn out divorces along with widespread media coverage of such problems. Many in this group are of the view that if those are possible outcomes from observations of their own parents or those of close friends/neighbors, marriage is just not worth it.
The confusion from changing gender roles in the last 4-5 decades. Even nowadays, I still hear of and get asked whether males should pay for all dates, pay for the first date, or go dutch. Not helped by the fact this can differ greatly depending on culture(i.e. Many German women would feel it retrograde if the male insisted on picking up the entire tab as it seems splitting the tab is much more widely accepted there than here currently).
And the pat answer that the one doing the inviting should always pay doesn’t necessarily help because of generational inertia in the socialization in our society and many others is such that males are still expected to/do the vast majority of initiating the invite.
Related to #3....the lack of desire among many singles to add on the burden of dealing with potential conflicts/back and forth with in-laws due to having witnessed bad in-law relations with their own parents, extended relatives, and those of close friends/neighbors.
In an era when being single has become an increasingly acceptable choice in our society as opposed to it being socially unacceptable with much social pressure imposed on those who are/choose to remain single just a few decades ago, more people are deciding being single is an affirmative choice and feel free to ignore social pressure from parents and more traditional(a.k.a. old-fashioned) sectors of society.
I agree with @MassDaD68’s comment about college being a good pool of possible mates and a most opportune time to hone relationship skills. That was my experience anyway, and I’m sorry it isn’t working out that way for our son. I posted earlier that he is waiting to complete his service years before considering serious relationships and marriage because dating at the academy is tricky due to company bonds and hierarchy. Most cadets avoid “cadating,” and the divorce rates are sky high for cadets who marry after graduation. He would like to be in a relationship (was happier in HS in this regard), and would love to meet all of your librarian daughters but has little opportunity. He’s been into the city a few times with other cadets and was bowled over by the “availability” of (non-librarian) women, so he keeps to post.
@MassDaD68’s comment about these being “wasted years” and starting the process at 30-ish resonates with me. There’s nothing I can do about this, but I worry for my son the same as many of you are worrying about your daughters. There must be some way we can hook these terrific kids up…
@bestmom – dated, past tense. He had not dated in years,and then had a very bad experience w a presumably lovely new grad who, as it turned out, was dating several guys, didn’t want to even stay friends. he has quite a few female college friends he is still friends with…But none of those long-term friendships show any signs of morphing into something. Might be fear (better to stay friends than to risk it all) or might be some women’s misguided notion that you can’t be independant, smart, and happy if you are in a relationship. HIs bio clock is ticking loud enough for me to hear, too-- and then there’s the “are you sure he’s straight” questions. (he is) . Meeting people is really really hard in your late twenties.
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