@greenbutton Sorry to hear that 
Men in their late twenties still has plenty of time, but I can understand why you are worried. We believe so strongly that having a family is key to happiness and we just want our kids to have that.
I work as a librarian in a very small town (850 pop.) so I get to know all the kids well, and have for the last 20 years. I can tell you that the kids who have responsibilities early in life, have a healthier dating life and in most cases, start that dating life earlier, and in many cases they marry earlier and better. It has led me to a theory of development when it comes development of person hood. When you are a baby, you are responsible for nothing, all of your needs are taken care of for you. The first stage of development is to learn to be responsible for yourself, this starts at about 18 months for most kids and lasts until they are about 13, 14 years old, although all of these stages bleed over into the next stage, there is not a nice clean cut off. The next stage is learning to be responsible TO someone else. This is when we learn how to be a partner, and normally starts sometime in the teen years and lasts into the early twenties. Next comes learning to be responsible FOR someone. This is what it means to be a parent and is best learned only after passing through the earlier two stages. The next stage, and paradoxily one of the hardest stages to manage, is learning to let go – let your child take the reins of their own life. And as my mother-in-law has taught me, the last stage is learning to let someone else be responsible for YOU, as you age and can no longer take care of yourself. When one of these stage is required out of order (say be teen pregnancy) or is delayed (say by protecting a child from his bad decisions) it throws things out of whack. The concept of delayed adulthood is not new, and while it may not be the whole answer to this issue, I think it is something worth considering.
My oldest granddaughter is 23, and not in a relationship. When she first went to college and watched her sorority sisters date and fall in “love”, she worried about it quite a bit. But when those same sisters expended massive emotional effort and still got dumped, she decided to live her life for a while before she looked at the opposite sex. She has graduated from college, but still has grad school looming; she has a very active social life and was in many organizations in school, but that certain someone hasn’t come along. She’ll be fine, and she’ll be a great “catch” when the right person crosses her path.
I think my kids having chronic health and stamina issues for the past decade and counting has hindered their forming enduring romantic attachments–there simply hasn’t been much energy to spare.
I’m hopeful that moving forward they will devote more time and energy to these attachments. In the meantime, I’m glad they have enduring friendships with many males and females.
@lololu Interesting theory. It’s directly contrary to what seems to be the prevailing theory here – that the more mature and academically focused girls are too focus on their futures to date or that boys are too intimidated by such girls to ask them out.
Since we are sharing theories, here’s mine: I think that there’s something “contagious” about not dating and ultimately not marrying because I find that very often when I meet someone who has never married, he or she will have at least another sibling who’s also never married. This may happen to close friends too, but that’s not something I could find out as easily as siblings.
Among my sibs, only one of the 7 of us is still unmarried and at > 60 years old likely to remain so. Similarly my H has one sib married and who who died unmarried. I haven’t seen the “contagious” not dating and not marrying personally.
Not sure it is about being contagious so much as if there are siblings/friends who are unmarried, it’s a sign the decision is not only considered an accepted choice, but also affirmed by those friends/siblings.
It’s not too different from the common phenomenon in the area of rural Mississippi where a branch of my extended family is based in which it’s considered “normal” to be engaged/marry at HS graduation or not too long afterwards and getting married after one’s early 20’s is considered “marrying very late”.
Since my younger cousins from that branch family didn’t fully buy into those values and had and felt close enough with relatives/friends who also don’t buy into those values*…they are already past the age of “marrying very late” when one married and his sibling is still happily living life as a single person.
- Understatement as normal average marrying age in my extended family for males tends to be somewhere in the mid-late '40s and mid-30s-early 40s for the women. The few who married earlier all ended up divorced due to either not being ready for marriage at the time or finding the first spouse left much to be desired in the character/maturity department(a.k.a. Revealed himself to be a flaming jerk on his best days).
I know some folks who married their HS sweethearts, while others married college beaus. There are also others of us who married after we were totallly done with school.
For folks like me who are chameleons and “pleasers,” it is really important to figure out who YOU are at your core before making lifelong commitments to a partner. That is something I feel VERY strongly.
Folks can change a great deal between the ages of say 18 and 28, growing closer or further apart with those changes. I think my kids have a good sense of who they are at this point in their lives and both seem fairly open to more serious relationships. It will be interesting to see how things develop. Most of their friends and young relatives are still single so there isn’t huge pressure for them to find “the one” and marry immediately.
This resonated with me this weekend. My late 20’s daughter is finding dating very difficult. She broke off a 5 year relationship and after that dated someone on and off for another 9 months. But now she finds herself utterly single and trying to date.
She’s trying on line dating and it’s not going great. She was stood up again Saturday night. She is picky about who she will attempt to meet. She wants a college educated man who is into fitness. They talk, things sound good and then they flake out at the last minute. It’s frustrating.
She’d really like to date, I keep telling her that it’s going to happen. I’m sure it will. But this stinks right now. She’s having fun with her girlfriends and her busy life but seriously this girl is smart, attractive has a great job and is a fitness instructor. And she’s having trouble meeting someone?
“that the more mature and academically focused girls are too focus on their futures to date or that boys are too intimidated by such girls to ask them out.”
This doesn’t ring true to me in practice although it is a trope that seems perpetuated by movies and tv. Both my kids go to competitive schools where lots of kids - including academically focused young women - date and have relationships. Academically focused young men at competitive schools value and seek out smart women.
“I think that there’s something “contagious” about not dating and ultimately not marrying because I find that very often when I meet someone who has never married, he or she will have at least another sibling who’s also never married.”
I’ve noticed this as well. I’ve often chalked it up to being raised in a household with a poor marriage example, more introverted types and/or low libido.
Some people are natural flirts and have higher sex drives. Others just don’t based on my observations.
I think that the mature and academically focused girls don’t want to waste their time dating guys who are not good matches - so they may date less. I think the contagious thing also works in the other direction - hey everybody I know in my age group are in serious relationships - maybe I should more actively look for somebody to date.
My grandfather had 2 brothers and 1 sister. One brother and 2 sisters lived together in a house their entire lives. One of the sisters didn’t work and took care of the house and the other two had jobs. We joked all the time about imagining living with a sister and brother your whole life.
My son is ready to start his first real job. He has only dated a couple of girls, and no one in the last 2 years. He didn’t care for the vibe of the girls at his college. He’s sweet and nice and a computer guy, but he’s funny and wonderful and I’m worried he won’t meet a nice girl. I want him to have love in his life. I know he’d probably marry the first girl he fell in love with and have a house of kids. Normally you’d think he wouldn’t have any problem meeting a girl, but I’m not so sure.
My daughter - I have no worries. She’s never had a problem meeting guys. She took a year off of dating last year and has said, I’m not dating someone just to say I have a boyfriend. I love my friends and my life as is, if a guy can’t add to it I’m not wasting my time. She met someone the end of the school year and they’ve been in contact all summer.
My D1 is 28. Successful at work, busy with friends. Probably the last year or so she has watched friends/co-workers etc. head down the marriage path one after another. I don’t think she’s worried about marrying, but does want to date - dating can be fun! She is not introverted - she’s chatty, extremely upbeat - a generally super happy person. But for some reason, no dates lining up.
She decided to join “Coffee Meets Bagel”. An online dating app that even in my opinion is interesting. Their basic premise:
"Each day at noon, guys will receive up to 21 quality matches – known as “Bagels”. They are given the option to either LIKE or PASS. Then, Coffee Meets Bagel will curate the best potential matches for women among the men who expressed interest.
Women will choose who gets to talk to them among quality men who already liked them.That’s right. No more guessing games! #LadiesChoice"
The app allows you to “talk” with anyone you “like” for a certain period of time on the app after you “like” them - like a week or something. If you don’t talk they fall off your radar.
She has met two nice guys through this app. Currently dating both - though at some point I think she is going to have to “choose one” for dating purposes (is it weird to be casually dating two people at the same time? I never really had that opportunity!)
We have a lot of fun teasing her about what “bagel” she’s going out with - though technically, the women are the bagels!
Anyway thought I’d just share to see if any other millennials here on this app !
Interesting, @abasket. I hadn’t heard of that app before. Here’s a thorough review I found online: http://www.askmen.com/dating/online-dating-sites/coffee-meets-bagel-review.html
^^Yeah, so pretty darn good review!
My D is TOTALLY not someone looking for a hook up. More like someone who is looking for either a relationship or even just to expand her friend crowd. She is pretty darn careful and cautious about everything in her life - not a risk taker!
We will see if anything pans out - relationship or friend wise. So far its been positive.
We watch Shark Tank and I remember seeing the two women who launched Coffee Meets Bagel. It’s a good idea, though I wish there was a similar thing for snapchat. The teens don’t really use facebook. Having said that, do teens need adapting site? Probably not.
^^Do you mean do teens need a “dating” site. In my opinion, no. Coffee Meets Bagel is for over 18 I believe.
@abasket I had never heard of that. Am I wrong from a male standpoint that it seems to give more power to the female? The male makes the first overture and then the female chooses to respond? Is it a one way thing? Can a male be a bagel? Hahaha.
From a (younger-ish) guy’s perspective, sometimes the women who check off all the right boxes are the ones that good guys are more intimidated by. When I was fresh out of college in a new job 8 or so years ago, most of the guys in my friend circle went after the “girl next door” types… the ones who were not 9s or 10s, but were smart, flirty and open, cute, and perhaps not overly obsessed with their careers.
It’s sort of the same problem with guys too… doing everything in life the way you’re supposed to do it is just frankly kinda boring to girls when they’re young and looking for adventure and excitement.
Just my 2 cents.
Who wants to create an app for the librarians, nerds, and girl/boy next door types? Seriously!