<p>My own definition is approx “no relationships by the time of college graduation”, or let’s say after age 20 if college isn’t involved.</p>
<p>I’d probably say late bloomer re dating meant no relationships, even short-lived ones, during the teens. Then again, I am from the Midwest. And I guess I got married fairly young (23; h was 24).</p>
<p>Well, maybe then we should push into Grad. School graduation…which sometime is close to 30. Is it good enough? Well, how about child bearing window? Would we make it too narrow then?</p>
<p>This year my D has had several guys interested in her. I think that some girls are ahead in maturity, then the guys grow up and suddenly girls like her are more desirable.</p>
<p>I have a friend whose D never had a date until she was near the end of her PhD program. They now have marriage plans. The right guy just hadn’t come around yet. I have a theory that an earlier boyfriend would have been a distraction from her academics.</p>
<p>Met my dear husband walking down the street in 1981. Many years and two grown kids later, we are still so happy!</p>
<p>I was very happy to stumble upon this thread. I was thinking I had the only 18 year old hs senior who has never had a date or been kissed (she is not gay). I was worried about sending her off to college with no dating experience when I am hearing from other moms about how they are getting their daughters on the pill before they go to college, or about their son’s friends with benefits, or their children’s post-prom night plans which include a co-ed sleepover with no parents around. Guess although she will be in the minority she won’t be alone!</p>
<p>D2 is attending a formal tonight. She is a senior in college. This might be her first official date. She went to HS prom with friends.</p>
<p>She told me she was straight. I did not ask and do not care. And she knows this. (Dad feels the same) </p>
<p>I understand HS. She is very tall (5’10 or 11) and big boned (not fat). Guys were smaller. But she says the guys in college are not her type. She is an independant in a college with a
large Greek presence. Ironically, she is going to a fraternity formal tonight.</p>
<p>My S is also a late bloomer. He is 25 and has never had a serious girlfriend. He has had unrequited love. He has dated.</p>
<p>Neither H or I was a late bloomer. D1 has had multiple boyfriends and is serious with one now. Did we do something so that 2 out of 3 children can’t, won’t or do not want to bond with someone else? I don’t really get it.</p>
<p>Morrismm, I’d guess you didn’t “do something”. Seems many people are in similar situations for many reasons, or no reason. H and I were not late-bloomers either, though neither of us was “popular” or startlingly gorgeous. If anything, whatever influence we have may have helped give the kids emotional grounding to avoid anything-for-attention depressingly anonymous sexual encounters.
On the topic of parental influence, there’s a very interesting (and even funny) book called “The Nurture Assumption” by Judith Rich Harris. Theme is that we don’t influence their personalities or ways of dealing with the world very much. I can’t paraphrase it without making it sound trite, which it isn’t.</p>
<p>I think that in the case of me and my son, any resemblance in that area is both superficial and coincidental. At 22 (as of last week), my son hasn’t yet had anything more than a very casual relationship, and he didn’t start going out with people at all until he was in college. Which, I think, had a great deal to do with the fact that there were almost no other boys in his high school who were out as gay. As for college, although he may have been engaging in a certain amount of rationalization, he told me more than once that he was reluctant to get involved in an actual ongoing relationship in college, because he was concerned that it might detract from his academic focus. Whenever he’s ready, though, I have no real worries in that regard, given how self-accepting and sociable he’s become, and the fact that he has no difficulty in forming friendships and getting close to people. Wholly apart from his being the most brilliant, kind, and wonderful young man on the planet, of course! </p>
<p>When I was 22, I not only hadn’t been in any serious relationships, I hadn’t been in any casual relationships, either. My first relationship of any kind – in fact, the first time I ever went out with anyone – was when I was 26. (And even that was something that just kind of happened, without any initiative on my part.) After that, there was another long period of complete inactivity, until I was 31.</p>
<p>But that had everything to do with my gender issues, and my complete lack of self-acceptance. Something I didn’t really start to deal with meaningfully, let alone get past, for another 20 years even after I was 26. </p>
<p>So, my son is – fortunately – in a different universe from the way I was at his age.</p>
<p>DonnaL, not to pry, but did you feel like you were the wrong gender, or seeking the wrong gender, or something else? That’s a pretty enormous complication. Congratulations on raising such a nice guy.</p>
<p>Thanks, seren50 – I give him most of the credit!</p>
<p>As to your question, the answer is the former. But that’s all in the past, as much as is ever possible. (I don’t want to derail this thread, so if you’re interested, you can look at this one: <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/734344-ill-probably-out-touch-while-after-thursday.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/734344-ill-probably-out-touch-while-after-thursday.html</a>.)</p>
<p>WOW, Donna, what a story. I’m in awe of your endurance and eloquence. Hope all is well now.</p>
<p>DonnaL, Whew… I just spent nearly 2 hours reading the thread you linked above. I wish that I could have been there for you during that difficult time. And, wow, you are an incredibly strong woman. What a long and scary time you experienced in a succesion of hospitals stays. So glad to hear that you are back to normal. And, I’m wondering… how is your son doing? I wish you both the best.</p>
<p>Thanks, seren50 and familyof3boys. And my son is doing just fine. We’re still as close as ever, and have lengthy phone conversations at least a couple of times a week unless he’s incredibly busy, and in less than two months he’ll be graduating from the University of Chicago. Where he made a number of very good friends, and his academic performance was outstanding, and the comments he recently got back on the senior thesis he worked on for close to a year were <em>so</em> impressively complimentary that they were almost hard to believe. I couldn’t be more proud of him and happy for him. (This probably belongs in the bragging thread, but whatever!)</p>
<p>He still worries about me a lot, though. That entire experience was probably at least as traumatizing for him as it was for me. Whenever he calls me when he thinks I should be home, and I don’t answer (usually because I’m asleep, taking a nap or just sleeping late on a weekend morning), he will call over and over again until I pick up. He gets so afraid that something happened to me. It makes me very sad that he has to deal with that. </p>
<p>Donna</p>
<p>D has had a few casual & some closer male buddies, even some who invited her to proms, where the attended as a couple. She & her brother each had a brief summer romance as well, when they went on a month-long trip out of the country at 18 and 20 respectively. Not sure if S has or hasn’t dated, but he has female friends, none of whom he has introduced us to, as well as a female lab partner for EE.</p>
<p>D had quite a few young men interested in her at CC but she was not in the least interested in them romantically and rebuffed any and all “dates,” even casual beach or movie outings. Not sure if she’s dated at all in college–hasn’t mentioned it but I guess I’ll see if any males hang out around her for graduation. Didn’t notice any in particular when she had her movie viewing last year.</p>
<p>I’m not particularly worried as I figure both kiddos are waiting until the time is right in their lives. They’ve always had LOTS of friends–both male & female, so we have no concerns. H dated extensively, as did I before we met & married. He was a “late bloomer” as he hadn’t started dating until college. I dated from around age 16 until I married many years later.</p>
<p>I do think it can be an advantage to wait before getting seriously involved in a relationship, since it can take a lot of energy. Our kids had enough trouble maintaining adequate stamina to get through their academics (due to their chronic medical conditions) without adding more complications and potential drama to their lives via relationships with significant others.</p>
<p>I always made friends in college but never did meet any boyfriends. I never realized that until i started reading this thread. I stopped and started school over and over again until i graduated. Each time i would go back i would make a new set of friends. One of the best ways to meet someone is through a job.</p>
<p>I worked as a bartender and waitress for a while. If there is one person that everyone want to talk to it is the bartender. They always have fans. There is also always the option of meeting someone at the job. It is easy because people are in close quarters or regularly see each other at the same place.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t worry about them not meeting anyone yet. There is still time. I met one boyfriend at his job, a coffee shop, another when i was working on the waitstaff. My husband and i worked together, very briefly, and that was how we met. I thought about doing the personals and could never bring myself to do it. That speed dating though doesn’t look too bad.</p>
<p>Hello! I have been following this thread and I am glad to learn the American parents perspective. In my family dating was forbidden and academics was always first priority, so I am surprised and happy to learn that many parents care about kid’s social life.</p>
<p>I must admit that I am feeling extremely discouraged. Most seem to agree that having never dated until college constitutes being a “late bloomer”. Due to my shyness and undesirable appearance I have never even been on a date at age 25. I have had plenty of great female friends but with no mutual romantic interest. </p>
<p>When I entered graduate school I started trying to change my luck by going out to meet new people and taking some risks. However I am at a loss to figure out what to do because I never received positive response ever. Normal people my age and younger at least have some experience of success, some even marrying now. Sometimes I fear I am condemned to being unwanted eternally! </p>
<p>But what to do? All I can say that I should keep on trying and if I succeed, great! If not, I was not good enough. </p>
<p>Also, HImom said there can be an advantage to wait, but at the same time I think someone like me could agree that the stress of “waiting” involuntarily can be worse!</p>
<p>In hs, my D was a band geek and a late bloomer; no boyfriends in high school outside of a few dates such as prom and other dances. Freshman year in college, she started to blossom; she joined a sorority and there were more dates and she had a brief “thing” with a frat boy. By sophomore year she had her first real boyfriend (they met playing trumpet in the marching band). A year and a half later, they are still together, but she is the only one of her girlfriends with a steady boyfriend. She tells me most college guys don’t want girlfriends. There are pluses and minuses to having a serious boyfriend at her age (21). I am glad she is so happy, but I worry about her marrying too young. All we can do is encourage her to take things slow and not allow her to live with him while we are footing the bills. He is a great guy and all that, but they are both so young (he is a year younger). But at least she is having a positive relationship, not like the girls on “Girls” (if you have seen the new HBO show).</p>
<p>Carnegiepaper,
Sometimes what we plan for comes but in a roundabout way. Do you belong to any social circle, gym or church?
In order for someone to be attracted to us, we have to be happy with ourselves. Work on your inner confidence and nuture yourself, then your inner beauty will shine and that can be the best way to attract someone.</p>