<p>haha I was telling my H the new info and he looks at me laughing “what the…website are you on?” I said CC, he said you talk about that on CC? What does that have to do with college???
I learn something new everyday. Scares me that I know some of you from other threads and it doesnt seem weird at all!!!</p>
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<p>Unless I’m mistaken, I recalled you mentioned you came to the US at 18…so I assumed your high school experiences were in Mainland China. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, the US went through a long period of “abstinence only” education…even in the NE which didn’t really teach beyond “just say no” type platitudes. From what I’ve heard from some Mainland relatives/friends, this was one of the few areas where some parts of Mainland China was a bit ahead of the US in the same given period. </p>
<p>Compared to what they are teaching nowadays in NYC and many other areas of the US…sex education was really in the dark ages back in the '80s and '90s due to the conservative reaction to the perceived excesses of the '60s and '70s. </p>
<p>While condoms are now routinely available in NYC public schools judging by what I’ve heard from younger neighbors and friends who teach…that just didn’t exist during my freshman year in high school. It caused such outrage among some older HS classmates/safe sex advocates that they staged a condom giveaway right in front of the HS in protest in my first year. That protest must have had an impact as they started to become available to be dispensed in school by sometime in my sophomore year. </p>
<p>Unfortunately, there are still certain regions of the US which still are in the dark ages in this regard as one commenter has noted. </p>
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<p>Being “put in the friend zone” may be due to factors such as perceived/actual lack of conventional physical attractiveness, body language/behaviors which exhibit lack of confidence in oneself which tends to repel most potential romantic partners, not taking a more bold straightforward approach to asking her out on a “date”, and/or any behavior/actions which obliterates one’s attractiveness in the romantic/sexual context*. </p>
<p>Being put in a “friend zone” is effectively a rejection. Best things to do is to find solace in trusted family and friends, rebuild one’s confidence through having a life not defined by the “need to date/have a SO”, to forget about the woman who placed you in the friend zone**, and to eventually get back out there when he’s ready/take advantage of any sudden opportunities as they arise.</p>
<p>The above applies regardless of one’s gender and sexual orientation. However, I’ve noticed that those who complain about being placed in the “friend zone” tend to be overwhelmingly male. </p>
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<li>I.e. Being excessively clingy, emotionally needy, “desperate”, or whiny/complaining about issues most people in his age/situation would be expected to handle/deal without complaint.</li>
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<p>** Best to find others where they will have the same feelings about you as you have for them than to waste one’s time pining for those who don’t.</p>
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Wrong on all accounts. I never lived in the Mainland China. My experience of China was touring China in 1981 when it was first opened to the West, then the Hyatt in Peking with “changing sky” pool with my children. How could someone come to the US at the age of 18 back in the late 70’s from China? Think about it.</p>
<p>Trust me, I knew NJ’s can and cannot dos when it came to sex back in the late 70’s.</p>
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<p>Actually, one branch of my extended family was allowed to emigrate to the US in that period. Granted, that was mainly due to a mix of a great-uncle’s severe medical condition arising from political persecution and the mainland government’s view that he/his family would be far less of a thorn to their side in exile.</p>
<p>My family was very straight forward - moved to the US with parents because Dad was legal (student visa, work visa, green card, citizenship) and we were all underaged We didn’t have that many branches of family either.</p>
<p>Cobrat - your experience was certainly very unique, not something I could really appreciate or understand. I am sure made very interesting college essays.</p>
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<p>You have my apologies for my mistake about your origins. </p>
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<p>Thank you.</p>
<p>@oldfort, My family started here in the same way, with the exception that DS was born here. Only two generations (2 in one generation and 1 in the next generation.) We did not have any other branch of family.</p>
<p>My wife once said: Should both of us are not here one day (for any reason), DS would be alone here. This is why we will be overjoyed/relieved when he finds his future wife and eventually started his own family. (and why we are interested in this thread.)</p>
<p>This is a subject that hits home for me. While I am 19 almost 20, I have never been on a date or even thought of as a potential date. I am the form everyone goes to when they want me to hook them up with one of my other friends. However my 16 ear old sister is quite…Uhm, “seasoned” in the dating world. This drives my mother to desperate acts–she has tried matching me up with four different guys now, all of which were not even close to who I would have chosen. Although I appreciate her concern, it is fairly awkward and unsettling. Yes, I would like to have a relationship, but the truth is I am a much more mature person than guy that I have met out there. I want a guy who knows what he wants in life and has aspirations. Perhaps I am too picky, but even though I never talk about it and always try to stay positive, my mother knows it how it tortures me. So I would just like to say that although you parents may think that your child would be upset with you for attempting to make a match, I think that they would also appreciate the concern and the fester of wanting them to be happy. 
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<p>Sent from my ADR6400L using CC</p>
<p>^*fester should be gesture. Stupid lagging touch technology.
Sent from my ADR6400L using CC</p>
<p>^ Thanks for providing the insights from the other side of fence, i.e., not a parent but a child who is “pestered” by the parent.</p>
<p>I believe almost all parents here know it is better NOT to “help” or intervene in this area. The difference is some parents may have a better self-control than others. I think, in our family, we parents control ourselves relatively well, at least up to now (DS is 24 now. He said to his mom at one time: Dad is only concerned about the academic side of his life but not the “dating” side of his life. I “hide” it very well.) We have never attempted to do matchmaking. We even did not ask which friend (especially the gender of the friend) he had gone out with when he happened to mention he had gone out with somebody one evening. (We would ask if he were a high schooler though, but he almost had never dated so it was a non-issue back then.) We know if we are too nosy, his antenna could detect it and from now on we would even hear less about it. We just patiently wait till he thinks he is ready to tell us about it some day.</p>
<p>I heard girls tend to like guys who “look very confident” and more mature than the girls. DS seems to agree at it when we talked about topics: he said several girls say their boys are more mature and very self-confident.</p>
<p>However, it is funny that several guys between age 18-20 who are viewed by their peers as very mature or having more life experiences look immature (mostly just “acting mature successfully to their peers” in the eyes of 50 yo) or sometimes even kiddy by us who are 30-40 years old than them.</p>
<p>I know that my D is pretty picky about who she will date. She was pursued by one or two boys when she was taking courses at her CC but felt they liked her MUCH more than she was interested in them, so quietly but effectively squelched any romance. She was slighly miffed when they found other ladies more attracted to their charms pretty quickly, rather than languishing with broken hearts (she WAS relieved though–complicated). I know that at some point, she will be interested in a relationship but she doesn’t feel like it is the right time for her nor that she has met any male that she wants to date with any frequency, yet. She is 22.</p>
<p>I’m pretty sure S would be interested in meeting and dating, but so far as we know, that it hasn’t yet happened with him new at his job & in his neighborhood. Part of the problem is that his job has him traveling twice a month for longish (up to a week at a time) trips.</p>
<p>I was a late bloomer & my twins are late bloomers as well. I’m hoping they’ll engage in healthy and caring relationships in college. I love this thread!</p>
<p>I think this thread proves that everything in life falls on a bell curve, right?</p>
<p>I have 2 sons. One a late bloomer ( he has never been in a hurry to do ANYTHING in his life, why should this be any different?) and one girl obsessed since grade 6 (but not always discerning, his first kiss was with a girl whom we most recently saw on TV being arrested in Bangkok… a long story). </p>
<p>At this point (ages 24 and 26) they both are seeing lovely young women of whom their grandmother approves and to whom they each are well suited. We will see if the relationships are enduring, but they are certainly meaningful!</p>
<p>Reading this with great interest, as my kids’ situations are similar. I do feel in my gut that things will work out for them, but wish it would start working out sooner rather than later - and of course I have the occasional fear that it won’t, that they’ll be lonely, that they won’t find partners to have kids with, etc…but I keep those fears to myself.</p>
<p>Friends’ D is 24 - dated for a little while in undergrad. She moved away for grad school and that was the end of the relationship. Friend was just mentioning how she’s worried that her D hasn’t really been in a serious relationship yet. Another friend’s D is turning 21 - hasn’t ever dated. Her brother dated a girl in high school for about a year - she was then wondering if she will ever find a special someone! My D is almost 19 - hasn’t been involved with anyone, or go on any dates as such. Too focused on all the work right now. All these kids are first gen American kids - wonder how much the cultural influences come into play. We have hope - another friend’s D (25 yrs old) just got engaged!!</p>
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While DS was in high school, he once said Asian Americans at his school (and feeder school) tend to start dating like 5 years later than the average.</p>
<p>In college, it might be a totally different picture. He said he learned from his high school friend at another college that one girl who had never dated before started to date very regularly. This is the whole point of living on campus instead of living at home as her parents may have a heart attack if they knew about it. (The girl still would not let their parents know as her parents prefer “arrange marriage.” It is south asian american that I referred to here.)</p>
<p>You know your concerned when you start noticing young ladies you see that look like the kind of girl your son just might be interested in. So the question is do I go up to them show them a picture of my good looking well educated son with a great job, athletic build, and sweet as honey personality or do I just keep passing them up on the street. (I don’t know how to make the winky faces.)</p>
<p>Winky face…semi-colon right side parentheses</p>
<p>I think us old folks using the term “dating” are dating ourselves. (Pun intended) One-on-one dating isn’t something that a lot of young people do anymore. From what I’ve seen, kids tend to hang out in groups in high school and college. How a couple goes from the group friend mentality to BF/GF is unclear.</p>
<p>I think that it’s smart to be picky rather than dating just for the sake of it. You can’t regret a relationship you never had. I recall a male friend when we were in our 20’s, who had never had a GF. He was sweet, smart, and a great friend. He was sometimes mocked for being the only virgin among his friends. Of course, he eventually met & married a sweet girl just like him and they now have a lovely family.</p>
<p>^from your mouth to G---- ears…LOL!!!</p>